Happy Birthday my angel

On the 24th of March, Kayla would have turned 3 years old.  This year was definitely easier than previous ones, but I know better than to think the really painful days are behind me.  Having a relatively easy time on the anniversary likely means one day when I am least expecting it, the grief will pounce and take me down.  At least when it happens on the anniversary, I am prepared for it.  So the day was pretty crappy, it poured rain all day.  When my husband got up, we went out and got balloons and then went to the cemetery.

Since it was raining the plan was to leave Em in the car and let her release her balloon from the car, but I swear the rain picked up even harder once we got there.  So Ryan ran out and secured her happy birthday balloon, the card, and stuffed puppy dog we got for her at the grave.  Meanwhile I tried writing messages on the balloons, but the rain made it impossible and I couldn't get any of the balloons wiped off and dried long enough for the marker to write.  Plus I am standing there with my car door open, trying to keep the balloons from flying away and I am getting drenched, as was my seat.

So I decided ok, no messages.  So I took the balloons over to where Ryan was, and he attempted to untangle them so we could release.  I had an umbrella but it was raining sideways so it didn't keep us very dry.  While he was untangling them, one flew away.  We got four, so one for each plus an extra.  So then Ryan and I released ours but they flew pretty low and almost got caught in trees, and we didn't even want to stand there and watch them fly since it was so windy and rainy.  Then before he could grab it, the fourth one blew away.  So Em didn't get to do one.  But that's fine, if it couldn't be at the grave, and her kind of knowing what was going on, vs sitting in the car and letting go of a balloon, I'd rather just do it another day.  So the next nice day I'll take Em and let her release her own balloon for her sister.

We were going to go see this new memorial that was put in for lost babies in the next city over, but the weather was just too crappy, so we'll do that another day too.  After that we went out to dinner.  My jeans were glued to me because I was so wet, but I didn't care.  It's not often the three of us go out to dinner because Ryan still gets frazzled when Em makes much noise or misbehaves.  So I jumped at the chance to go.  Dinner was nice at least.

This past week was a big girl week.  Sunday night was Emily's last bubba.  I washed them all and packed them away downstairs.  I also did a ceremonious tossing of the bottle brush, and took the nipple/cap basket out of the dishwasher.  There is so much more room in there now.  She's doing pretty good.  The first night without a bubba was ok, she went to sleep pretty easily.  The second night she was up for quite a while, and tonight as well.  But she wasn't fussing or crying, just quietly playing until she fell asleep.  This time feels different, I think we were both ready to quit the bottles.  When we tried before she cried for hours when I put her down, and I was itching to go get her a bottle so she could go to sleep.  But this time, we're good.  We're done.  She has asked about them a few times, but I just say you're a big girl, big girls don't drink from bubbas, and she drops it.

I also cleaned her jumper and put it downstairs in storage.  We hadn't actually put her in it to play in a very long time, probably not in the last year, but we still used it occasionally as baby jail when I needed to shower or something.  But the older she got, the less she was content in baby jail, and we have things pretty well baby proofed.  When I shower I just leave the door open so she can come in and out and see me, the doors to all the other rooms are closed, the gate keeps her out of the kitchen....I feel ok about leaving her loose while I shower.  And if I really want a nice shower without worrying about her, I just do it when she naps.

I thought all of the packing away baby things would make me sad, but it's not.  It feels good, like the place we're supposed to be in.  She's not a baby anymore, so her baby things aren't needed.  For that reason, I am thinking we're done.  She's only 2, but sometimes the idea of starting all over with another baby is kind of terrifying.  As if we've been out of that stage for so long.  And I am so happy with her, I don't really ever sit around feeling like our family isn't complete, or that we need one more (well, I wish Kayla were here).  But then again, today seems to be a "we're done" day.  Other days I really feel like another one would be nice.  Most days I am about 90/10, that we're one and done.  Some days I am more like 70/30, but I wouldn't say there are any days that the "have another" number is bigger than the "don't have another".  I think what it all comes down to is trying to accept how things are, vs how I always thought they would be.  I always thought I would have two kids, I always thought I would want two kids.  But more and more I am seeing how content I am with just one, but it's hard to let go of that picture I always had of what my life would be like.

I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but when I do have pangs to have another baby, sometimes it is not so much as, I want another baby, but more like, I want to have Emily all over again.  I don't really want another, different kid.  I just want to start the clock over with her so I can enjoy all the fun over again.

So anyway, she has been taking her clothes off a lot, and her diaper.  Even if she isn't wet or poopy, she loves to run around naked.  So I figured, maybe it's time to potty train.  For about 24 hours I was confident I could do it myself without a book or a plan.  After all, I am sure my grandma didn't have a book to potty train her kids.  I already had a package of pull ups that I bought a while ago because it got me double Pampers points.  So last Monday morning, I took off her diaper and said, we're going to wear underwear now (the pull up).  That didn't work so well, she still called it a diapy.

So for the entire day, every 45 mins to an hour I would take her to the potty.  Most of the time she was happy to sit on it, but no results.  In fact she was more excited to push it over to the sink and use it as a step stool like I showed her so she could "ath" (bath) her hands.  I tried giving her one M & M for really sitting and trying to go, and she would get two for pee and four for poop.  By that evening, no results.  Her pull up was usually dry, but she wouldn't go....then at some point in the 45 minutes between potty time, she would go in her pull up.

So on the last pee of the night, she sat and wouldn't go, so she stood up and was playing around in the bathroom for a minute when she just started peeing all over the floor.  I hurried up and got her on the potty.  As I hustled her over there, she did stop peeing, and started again once on the pot.  She bent over to watch her pee, and I was cheering her on.  She was really excited that she did it, so I was hopeful that the next day would yield good results, but nope, nothing.  And she still kept calling her pull up a diapy.

So by the end of the second day I said fuck it, I don't know what I am doing.  Yeah, I am sure I could eventually get her trained with just winging it, but at the expense of how many months and times I want to pull my hair out?  If I can just read a book and have her pretty well trained in a few days, why not?  So I got Oh Crap, which is the recommended book in my mom group.  It said if you haven't started yet, or have given it a go, to just take the next two weeks, put away any paraphernalia and just put PT'ing out of your mind.  Pick a date to go diaper free, and then jump all in.  So the basic idea is there is four blocks.  Block one is being totally naked, and watching her like a hawk all day.  When she begins to pee, hurry up and put her on the toilet.  The idea is that once you do it often enough, you will catch her signals about 5-10 second before she goes, get her on the pot in time and she will begin to make the connection herself.

Block two is clothes back on, but going commando so you can A. easily get clothes off to potty, and B. snug underwear still feels too much like a diaper.  Then so on and so fourth, once they get that down, then on to underwear, small trips out, then longer trips out.  I understand the method, I mean, the two days of using pull ups makes me agree with the author, pull ups are just a diaper that you put on like underwear.  I'm sure it works for some, but I can see how pull ups would prolong things if kids still just go in their pull ups when they can't be bothered to get to the potty on time.

I know Em won't have an issue with being naked, she loves to be naked.  But I don't want to clean up pee from my carpet, so we'll be spending those days in the kitchen.  I've just got to come up with a game plan of fun things to do in the kitchen.  The thing that is giving me anxiety is the commando stage.  The book says you're going to have them go commando for at least a few weeks to a month.  I am fine with clearing my calendar and not leaving the house for the first several days, but a month going commando?  Yikes!  It scares me to think of not really being able to leave the house much for a month.  But at the same time, the idea of leaving the house, with not even underwear on is scary.

But, I would rather get this over with in a month, then drag it our for a year like some have to do.  And I guess once we get to that stage it won't be as scary.  Like the author says, you learn your kids pee behavior.  If they don't do much peeing before noon, you make sure they try to pee before you leave the house, and get your errands done in the morning.  Hopefully she'll be one of those kids that just gets it right away and it's easy peasy.

So I set the date for April 10th to start training, but I just had a phone interview the other day for a job.  It seemed to go well, so we'll likely be scheduling an in-person interview soon which would be for the week we were going to start training.  So obviously I cannot leave her with someone else on day 4 of training, so we'll have to post pone the start date.  But what if I get the job?  It's a work from home position, which is awesome, so I can do all my work around Em's naps, bed time and time she's at her grandparents.  But for at least a week or two I will have to go to the boss's house to train for the job, so we'll have to post pone yet again.  Sometimes it takes a long time to get things going with jobs....hopefully not, but it could mean putting off potty training until like May, depending on how long it takes to get trained and settled in the job, if I get it.

I am actually not too upset about that, I hate potty training.  When I worked at the daycare, the kids that were being potty trained were the worst (the training, not the kids).  I'd seriously rather change diapers for the rest of my life.  But, I just don't want to feel like I am putting it off for reason after reason.  But really what can I do?  If I have to go a few days a week to train for a job, there is no way I could start her training when I wouldn't even be home with her for several days.  Hopefully I'll get the job, and things will happen quickly so we can get back to training.

Lately at bedtime, our favorite book to read is The Night you were Born.  Emmy seems to like it, and I just love it....the story, the words, the illustrations.  It makes me sleepy just thinking about it.  Then I thought, how awesome would that be to have a "The night you were born" nursery?  Our office is already painted a dark blue, a wall quote with a quote from the book, some blown up pages from the book as wall art, and maybe a few polar bear fatheads on the wall?  I think that would be beautiful.  See it's shit like that that makes me want another baby, the excitement of decorating a nursery, and the fun of getting to use our boys name, or the new girls name we agreed on....but those aren't good reasons to have another kid.  Maybe I'll satiate my desire by making Emily some 'night you were born wall art.