Oh the mommy wars, I can't seem to go more than a few days without reading something about it on facebook. And if it weren't for the comment section, I would think maybe, just maybe a percentage of the mommy wars is made up by the media. But no, people really think this way.
The biggest mommy war of course is breastfeeding. Women who breastfed vs women who didn't, women who tried and did not succeed vs women who did not try. Hell there are even wars between women who breastfeed, exclusive vs non-exclusive, those who nursed for a year vs those who nursed till 4. Give it up already.
I did try with Emily, but I suppose I went into it already questioning my ability since my milk did not come in with Kayla. I never thought twice about it not coming in, because I assumed my body knew it was too early. But after talking to several women who gave birth around when I did and even sooner, many woman reported that their milk did come in. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I am sure the physical and emotional pain of your milk coming in for a baby that is not there for you to nurse is like a cruel joke. But I did begin to worry it meant something was wrong.
Not long before Emily was born, I asked the lactation nurse at a class I took, and she assured me that most likely it was my body's response to the trauma and grief of losing her. Still I was leery. When she wouldn't latch in the hospital, I got nervous, especially when she spent the entire second night crying her eyes out. I was certain she was starving, and not getting any food, so I gave in and gave her a bottle. I still tried halfheartedly to get her to latch once we were home, but I became even more worried when at her first pedi appointment she had lost an entire pound since birth.
Even if I had been able to get her to latch then, I would have been too scared to continue nursing, not knowing how much milk she was getting and if it was enough. So there was no way I could continue with her not latching, not eating, and being down so much weight. So we went exclusively to the bottle. It worked for us. She slept through the night by three months, and even before then she often slept a good 2-4 hours between feedings. I knew exactly how much she was getting, and I felt incredibly bonded to her. I read about many fellow moms whose babies were attached to them 24/7, nursing all the time. I already felt like she was attached to me, between just feeding her every couple hours, and holding her for snuggles. As much as I loved it, I also wasn't taking care of myself. I was barely eating, I lost 30 pounds in two weeks and most days I couldn't even remember when I had showered last. I couldn't imagine my baby being more attached to me than she already was.
So I tried and it didn't work. Do I get a cookie for trying? Most nursing advocates would be so kind to say yes. But if I hadn't tried, no cookie for me? That's what a lot of people believe. You have the hardcore nursers who say I nursed all 4 of my children, sometimes tandem nursed, while running a successful business from home, studying for my masters and homeschooling my other children. They'll say, because I did it, anyone can. So no amount of effort is good enough for them. If you tried and didn't succeed, bad mom!
But many people so graciously say, well it's one thing to try and not be able to do it. As long as a woman tries. Oh, so she has to try? Hmm, I guess I missed that in the mother handbook. Who says we should have to justify why we didn't nurse. I say I tried with Emily and didn't succeed, because that is what happened. But if I chose not to nurse, I don't see why I should suddenly be shunned because I "didn't even try".
Not feeding your baby at all? Yes, horrible mom. Abusing your baby? Yes, monster. But since when did feeding your baby (key words, feeding your baby) become a monstrous act because you are not feeding them the "right way". Yes, women have boobs and they were intended for feeding babies. Women have a uterus too, but not all mothers are made through their uterus. Would these same women vilify a mother for adopting vs having their own biological children? What if there was nothing wrong with their ability to have kids, but chose to adopt? What if they did give birth, but got their babies through a petri dish in a lab? I think almost all mothers agree that families are built in many different ways, but they fight over how to feed them?
If we have another kid, given my experience with nursing Em, I am not sure I would even try to nurse. I'll never say never, maybe I would give it the same effort I did with Em and if it works great but if not, head for the bottles. But maybe I wouldn't. Having a second baby is stressful enough (hell, having a baby period is stressful) so it would be super easy to say fuck it, and head for what I know, which is formula feeding (though I did pump also, so E got six months of BM in addition to formula. Does that give me any street cred with the nazi moms, or does the baby have to hang off my boob to count?).
Did I give up easily with Emily? Yeah, I did. Should I have consulted a lactation consultant, or tried a nipple shield (didn't even know these existed until after I quit), maybe. But what part of, I gave up nursing because I was terrified my baby was starving, screams horrible mother to someone? Sooo, I was supposed to keep on, worried my baby was hungry, just to prove that I could nurse? And how many women who didn't try, say they did and didn't succeed, just to avoid the backlash? Why should we have to try? Do children of mothers who didn't "even" try grow up unhealthy and unloved because of this? When people defend the right to an abortion, they say it is the woman's body, and therefore her choice. So many people are fine with a woman terminating her pregnancy, for whatever reason, because it is her body. But those same people want to persecute a woman for choosing to feed her child IN A DIFFERENT WAY, and ignore the fact that it is her body and her choice. We must keep abortion legal so that women aren't human incubators, but it is fine to demand we be nothing but a baby feeding machine?
So we have, aborting a baby, and and feeding in a different way and both have to do with a woman's choice. But somehow ending the pregnancy is acceptable, but feeding your baby via a different method, is somehow the worst thing a woman can do? So yeah, I'll say it right now, if I have another baby, there is a good chance, probably a better chance than not, that I will CHOOSE not to nurse. But if you think this is wrong, think about this. Feeding your child is not the only thing he or she needs. Babies need love, comfort, warmth, sleep, interaction, play, laughter, discipline etc. All of those things require actions from their parents, whether it be co-sleeping or a crib, paci vs no paci, attachment parenting vs free range parenting, etc. I guarantee you, even if you get a gold sticker for nursing the longest/best/hardest, there is SOMETHING you will do "wrong" (even though it works best for your family) that other mothers will judge you for.
So why do women think they can sit up on their high horse and judge mothers for how they feed their baby, when they themselves might let their kid have a paci past one year, or give them McDonalds one night instead of a home cooked meal, or delay potty training because it seems too hard, or not dress them warm enough on a cold day? NO mother is perfect, so stop judging others' imperfections, just because they are different from yours.
<Stepping off my soapbox>. So, my poor baby is sick. We had such a good run, no colds or earaches or anything for almost two years. She was sniffly a month or so ago when her molars were coming in, but other than that, nothing. But this morning she threw up, and had a temperature of 100. I gave her some Tylenol and she took a longer than usual nap today. When she woke up, my husband was like, she even looks like she isn't feeling well. You could see it in her eyes. She was still in pretty good spirits, but she had more cranky fits than usual and she wasn't playing with as much gusto as usual. She was also very snuggly today, spending much of her waking hours on my lap.
So tonight she felt very warm so I took her temp again, now 102. So, more Tylenol and I tried getting some dinner and liquids into her. She didn't get a ton, but I had her drink as much as I could. Luckily she liked the cranberry juice I gave her, it was all I had. When I put her to bed she laid down and asked for a blanket and said thank you when I covered her up. This is very unusual for her. She isn't always hard to put to bed, but she often protests a little. Today there was absolutely none. Once I closed her door I didn't hear another peep, and when I checked the monitor a little while later she was fast asleep. Her temperature was down to 100 before bed, so I feel a little better.
I think I could deal with other aspects of being sick, but fevers scare me. I had to check several sources to make sure I shouldn't take her in for 102. I think if her fever is still up tomorrow I might call her doctor before they close just for some peace of mind.
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