I just now read tonight's topic, so I didn't get a chance to get out and see the moon. But oddly enough I did take a picture of it last night, because my husband came home and told me how beautiful the moon looked. So here is the picture I took.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Capture your grief, day 16
16. FULL MOON RETREAT | We are now half way through our Capture Your Grief experience so I wanted to take some time to retreat a little and give everyone some rest from all the thoughts and feels. This evening there is going to be a beautiful full moon rising. Google the time that it rises in your city and take some quiet time out to watch it. Share a photo of the moon rising in your part of the world and make sure you share where you watch it from. Today take regular moments out to stop what you are doing and turn your attention to your breathing. Place one hand over your belly and the other over your heart. Close your eyes, breathe deeply as you feel your own heartbeat. I will be hosting a live guided meditation on facebook and everyone is welcome to join in. I will post the time of the meditation closer to the day.
I just now read tonight's topic, so I didn't get a chance to get out and see the moon. But oddly enough I did take a picture of it last night, because my husband came home and told me how beautiful the moon looked. So here is the picture I took.
I just now read tonight's topic, so I didn't get a chance to get out and see the moon. But oddly enough I did take a picture of it last night, because my husband came home and told me how beautiful the moon looked. So here is the picture I took.
Capture your grief, day 15
15. WAVE OF LIGHT | October 15th Wave of Light is a very significant day of remembrance and awareness of our community calendar. At 7pm you are invited to light a candle to honour and remember all of the babies and children who have died. If everyone does this, there will be a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Share your candles and children with the world.
This year October 15th was especially meaningful for us. The Tears Foundation, which is the organization that we walk with every September in Kayla's name and raise money for to help families lay their babies to rest, partnered with a local funeral home not far from where we live to build a monument for lost babies. The monument was debuted last October 15th I believe, and families have the option to have their babies' name(s) added to the monument. My in laws were so kind to offer to pay to have Kayla's name added. So yesterday we attended a brief ceremony in honor of October 15th, and then got to see the monument for the first time, and see Kayla's name.
We met them for lunch first, and then went to the ceremony. It was very nice, the leader of the Michigan chapter for Tears said some words, a man sang a song that he wrote for his child, they read the names of the babies on the monument and as your child's name was called you could go up and take a rose and put it in a vase and look at your child's name, and then they ended the ceremony with a couple singing A Thousand Years (which I love and always kind of deemed to be Emily's song, since we waited so long for her) and they released a dove. It was very nice.
Afterwards we went back up to take pictures, and they had crayons and paper there to etch your baby's name off the monument. The monument is very beautiful and I am excited to go back on a day when there is no one there to just reflect. I think it's also a wonderful thing for parents who maybe don't have a place to visit their children's graves.
Here are a few pictures of the monument, and our candles that we lit last night for Kayla and for all the babies gone too soon.
This year October 15th was especially meaningful for us. The Tears Foundation, which is the organization that we walk with every September in Kayla's name and raise money for to help families lay their babies to rest, partnered with a local funeral home not far from where we live to build a monument for lost babies. The monument was debuted last October 15th I believe, and families have the option to have their babies' name(s) added to the monument. My in laws were so kind to offer to pay to have Kayla's name added. So yesterday we attended a brief ceremony in honor of October 15th, and then got to see the monument for the first time, and see Kayla's name.
We met them for lunch first, and then went to the ceremony. It was very nice, the leader of the Michigan chapter for Tears said some words, a man sang a song that he wrote for his child, they read the names of the babies on the monument and as your child's name was called you could go up and take a rose and put it in a vase and look at your child's name, and then they ended the ceremony with a couple singing A Thousand Years (which I love and always kind of deemed to be Emily's song, since we waited so long for her) and they released a dove. It was very nice.
Afterwards we went back up to take pictures, and they had crayons and paper there to etch your baby's name off the monument. The monument is very beautiful and I am excited to go back on a day when there is no one there to just reflect. I think it's also a wonderful thing for parents who maybe don't have a place to visit their children's graves.
Here are a few pictures of the monument, and our candles that we lit last night for Kayla and for all the babies gone too soon.
Capture your grief, day 14
14. BELIEFS + SPIRITUALITY | Has the death of your child strengthened or changed your beliefs? Share as much or as little as you like. Please be respectful to the beliefs of others today. We are all in this together and our differences are what make this project so beautifully interesting. Choose kindness.
In the days, months and even years after we lost Kayla, I struggled a lot with my spiritual beliefs. I would definitely say I have always been more spiritual than religious. I am not sure if my thinking fits in with the proper definitions, but to me that means having my set of beliefs, and a personal relationship with God, but I am not really a big fan of going to church, or of what many in the "church crowd" believe.
I do hope to go to church again soon so that Emily can grow up in the church. I do think it is important to have a foundation of learning about religion, God, and the Bible. I truly believe that society's' straying away from church has led to a harsher world, less caring people, and more hateful acts. But I guess I view church like I do school. You don't always attend school for your entire life, so I don't believe you need to attend church all your life either.
I believe it is important to learn and form yourself as a caring and kind person, but after the frame work has been laid, I don't put much stock into going to church each and every Sunday forever. I have no understanding nor tolerance of people who go to church religiously (no pun intended) but spend the rest of their week being backstabbing, mean, hateful people. I also do not understand using religion to hate others. I may not be passionate about all causes and groups, I may not march with them, I may not change my facebook profile picture to support them, I may not always understand them or agree with them, but I do not believe my opinion or stance on any subject gives me the green late to hate anyone. I think religion and morals and spirituality should be summed up as, just be nice to people, dammit. You can respect one another, without liking each other. You can be kind, without agreeing. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this (yes it's one of my favorites but I don't know it verbatim), do not hate others just because they sin differently from you. So, just as an example....people who hate gays because they believe it is against God and the Bible. Ok, but did you have pre-marital sex? Do you use God's name in vain? Do you sometimes think bad things about people? have you cheated on your spouse? Have you lied? Have you ever done something morally wrong and/or illegal? Nobody is perfect, nobody is without sin, so just because their sin is different from yours, doesn't make you better than them.
So, that's a little background on my religious beliefs. I am not big on going to church, frankly I think it is boring. I do really enjoy the sermon, but I cannot stand the sit down, stand up, sing a song, go up for communion, say a prayer that you recite by memory every single week (I personally prefer "conversations with God" rather than prayers that someone else wrote and we just memorize) and all that jazz. I also do not believe in God's will, and the notion that God is the puppet master and we are all his puppets and everything that happens in the world is because he chooses it to.
I don't believe that I got in a car accident because it was God's will, I don't believe this person was cured of cancer because it was God's will. I don't believe He sits up there all day, saying "you're going to die today, you're going to "live" but be brain dead, you're going to ace that test, you're going to rob that store and get away with it, your cancer is going to go into remission", etc. I believe things happen, good or bad, and God is there to help us through those things. We have free will, sometimes things happen because of the choices we make or don't make, and sometimes things just happen that is beyond ours or anybody's control.
When Kayla died, lots of people gave me the "it was God's will, it was God's plan, everything happens for a reason" crap. A. it didn't make me feel ANY better, and B. I didn't believe it. It just didn't make sense. I was, and still am content believing that things just happen, and that God doesn't cause suffering, or choose people to make happy or devastate. But after she died, I began to question, what was God for? What was His purpose? If He couldn't control anything, and if he couldn't help anything, what good does He do? Maybe it is a contradiction, because I do pray....but then I thought, why do I pray? I don't really believe that God will hear your prayer and say oh ok, since you prayed for it, here you go. And things do happen all the time whether they are prayed for or not, so why do we pray?
I had an appointment with the minister at my church to talk to her about these things, but at the last minute I chickened out and canceled. I talked to my dad, and he gave me a good perspective on things. He and I have a very similar view point of things, and our talk made me feel a lot better. He basically compared God to a good parent. He created us, he loves us, but he cannot control things for us. He has to sit back and let us make our own choices, good or bad, thus, free will. He didn't make Kayla die, and he couldn't have saved her, but He saw my grief and he grieved with me. It's like the poem Footprints in the sand. When you are at your most low, and you feel like you're all alone, He cannot make your problems go away, but He will be by your side, and He will carry you when you cannot walk on your own. I believe he allows us to feel His love and we gain strength from Him. Now THAT makes me feel comforted. To know that He wept with us when Kayla died, and that he held her in His arms and comforted her.
In the days, months and even years after we lost Kayla, I struggled a lot with my spiritual beliefs. I would definitely say I have always been more spiritual than religious. I am not sure if my thinking fits in with the proper definitions, but to me that means having my set of beliefs, and a personal relationship with God, but I am not really a big fan of going to church, or of what many in the "church crowd" believe.
I do hope to go to church again soon so that Emily can grow up in the church. I do think it is important to have a foundation of learning about religion, God, and the Bible. I truly believe that society's' straying away from church has led to a harsher world, less caring people, and more hateful acts. But I guess I view church like I do school. You don't always attend school for your entire life, so I don't believe you need to attend church all your life either.
I believe it is important to learn and form yourself as a caring and kind person, but after the frame work has been laid, I don't put much stock into going to church each and every Sunday forever. I have no understanding nor tolerance of people who go to church religiously (no pun intended) but spend the rest of their week being backstabbing, mean, hateful people. I also do not understand using religion to hate others. I may not be passionate about all causes and groups, I may not march with them, I may not change my facebook profile picture to support them, I may not always understand them or agree with them, but I do not believe my opinion or stance on any subject gives me the green late to hate anyone. I think religion and morals and spirituality should be summed up as, just be nice to people, dammit. You can respect one another, without liking each other. You can be kind, without agreeing. One of my favorite quotes goes something like this (yes it's one of my favorites but I don't know it verbatim), do not hate others just because they sin differently from you. So, just as an example....people who hate gays because they believe it is against God and the Bible. Ok, but did you have pre-marital sex? Do you use God's name in vain? Do you sometimes think bad things about people? have you cheated on your spouse? Have you lied? Have you ever done something morally wrong and/or illegal? Nobody is perfect, nobody is without sin, so just because their sin is different from yours, doesn't make you better than them.
So, that's a little background on my religious beliefs. I am not big on going to church, frankly I think it is boring. I do really enjoy the sermon, but I cannot stand the sit down, stand up, sing a song, go up for communion, say a prayer that you recite by memory every single week (I personally prefer "conversations with God" rather than prayers that someone else wrote and we just memorize) and all that jazz. I also do not believe in God's will, and the notion that God is the puppet master and we are all his puppets and everything that happens in the world is because he chooses it to.
I don't believe that I got in a car accident because it was God's will, I don't believe this person was cured of cancer because it was God's will. I don't believe He sits up there all day, saying "you're going to die today, you're going to "live" but be brain dead, you're going to ace that test, you're going to rob that store and get away with it, your cancer is going to go into remission", etc. I believe things happen, good or bad, and God is there to help us through those things. We have free will, sometimes things happen because of the choices we make or don't make, and sometimes things just happen that is beyond ours or anybody's control.
When Kayla died, lots of people gave me the "it was God's will, it was God's plan, everything happens for a reason" crap. A. it didn't make me feel ANY better, and B. I didn't believe it. It just didn't make sense. I was, and still am content believing that things just happen, and that God doesn't cause suffering, or choose people to make happy or devastate. But after she died, I began to question, what was God for? What was His purpose? If He couldn't control anything, and if he couldn't help anything, what good does He do? Maybe it is a contradiction, because I do pray....but then I thought, why do I pray? I don't really believe that God will hear your prayer and say oh ok, since you prayed for it, here you go. And things do happen all the time whether they are prayed for or not, so why do we pray?
I had an appointment with the minister at my church to talk to her about these things, but at the last minute I chickened out and canceled. I talked to my dad, and he gave me a good perspective on things. He and I have a very similar view point of things, and our talk made me feel a lot better. He basically compared God to a good parent. He created us, he loves us, but he cannot control things for us. He has to sit back and let us make our own choices, good or bad, thus, free will. He didn't make Kayla die, and he couldn't have saved her, but He saw my grief and he grieved with me. It's like the poem Footprints in the sand. When you are at your most low, and you feel like you're all alone, He cannot make your problems go away, but He will be by your side, and He will carry you when you cannot walk on your own. I believe he allows us to feel His love and we gain strength from Him. Now THAT makes me feel comforted. To know that He wept with us when Kayla died, and that he held her in His arms and comforted her.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Capture your grief, day 13
13. DEAR WORLD | What is on your heart that you want the world to know about your kind of grief? This is your day to choose your own topic. Some topic ideas are pregnancy or infertility after loss. Anxiety or PTSD. Forgiveness. Trust. What is it that you want to talk about?
I guess it would be, that we are not jealous, or bitter, or hateful. We do not hate you because your baby didn't die. We don't expect the world to tip toe around us, and we don't think we're the only ones to ever go through some sort of tragedy. But we do have strong emotions, and they sometimes involve you and your family.
When you announce your pregnancy, we are happy for you. We are! We never want to hear about somebody going through what we went through. When I hear of another woman, often times a stranger, that just experienced a loss, I don't think to myself, good! Let some bad things happen to other people. I am not happy about it, and I have spent many nights crying over a complete stranger's loss. You've probably heard that loss moms should be treated gently when a friend or family member announces their pregnancy. Tell them in private if you can, especially if you are a close relative or friend. Even better, tell them in writing or social media. It sounds all kinds of backwards, but we need to be told in a way that we can react how we naturally react, and not have to feel bad about not reacting happily to your news. We need to be able to cry, or be angry, or be sad in private.
We don't expect the whole world to tip toe around us, but it is a courtesy that we very much appreciate. It's simple, if you know of our pain, be kind if you can. We don't expect you to not be happy about your good news, we don't expect you to never have kids because we lost ours. But we would just appreciate it a lot if you could take our feelings into consideration. I think people get upset about having to be gentle around loss moms, because they think that we think we're special, or somehow better than other people and deserve special treatment. But trust me, being different for this reason is something NO loss mom wants. I would give up any and all attention, I would gladly revoke my membership in the loss moms club if I could have my daughter back. So please, instead of being annoyed, be compassionate, and be thankful that you don't have to know how we feel.
On that same topic, is fake pregnancy announcements. It's never happened to me personally....I've seen friends comment on a post of someone they know who did it, or I read about a celebrity doing it. But thankfully I've never had a friend or family member do this. But again, we don't dislike them because we want the world to cradle us, and we are not uptight because we cannot take a joke. I'm sure most loss moms have a great sense of humor, but there are just some things that are not funny, and this is one of them. The reason they are so hurtful is because as a loss mom, we dread real announcements all the time. I've had to unfollow many friends, family, and co-workers because I couldn't handle seeing their happy posts about their growing unborn child. Again, not because I am not happy for them, but because it makes me sad for myself, and it is just a huge reminder that they have something I desperately want, and couldn't have. Even now that I have Emily, real announcements are still hard to handle. Why? Because it is a reminder that there is yet another person who (presumably) didn't have to suffer to get their joy. No, we don't always know what goes on behind closed doors, but when someone makes a pregnancy announcements just months after their wedding, it's probably a safe bet they didn't suffer from infertility, and hopefully not from loss (though they could have, I realize this).
So given how difficult it is for us to hear about real announcements, a fake one puts us through that same pain, except it is fake, so there was no need to do it. We know real announcements are going to happen so we deal with them as best we can, but fake ones serve no purpose, and are not needed. It's like I tell my husband....years ago I lived in this second story apartment, but it was an abnormally high second story. So my dad bought me a safety rope ladder that could be hooked to the window so you can climb down. When my now-husband saw it, he wanted to use it to climb out the window. I said no, it's not safe, you could get hurt. He said if it wasn't safe, they wouldn't sell it. I said, but if you are climbing out of a window during a fire, and you fall and break your leg, it sucks that your leg is broken, but you're alive. If you climb out when there isn't a fire, and you fall and break your leg, then you're just an idiot with a broken leg. If we have to endure painful pregnancy announcements, we at least want it to be real, where people are so happy to be adding to their family. Please don't add to our pain for a bad joke. Loss parents aside, it's really not even a funny joke. If you announce a fake pregnancy and someone is upset about the idea of you being pregnant, you'll make them mad for no reason. If they're really excited that you're pregnant, then you just dangled happiness in front of them, only to yank it away. So, it's just a bad idea all around.
I also want the world to know that we are not drama queens looking for attention. I have a friend on facebook...I don't actually know her in person, but a mutual friend of ours introduced us after she also lost her baby, just a few weeks gestation further along than Kayla was. They just marked the first year since their daughter was born sleeping, and with this being October, and October 15th coming up (National infant and pregnancy loss awareness day) she posts a lot of quotes about child loss. I don't know if anyone has said anything to her, but I would suspect there are at least a couple people in her life that probably roll their eyes when they see them, and think "again, another one". People who think she is posting them for attention, or so people think "poor her". But that's not it. We don't want attention, we don't want people to feel sorry for us. We just want to keep our children's memory alive. We want to acknowledge our lost children.
As a parent of a living child, I love to tell stories about Emily. I love to post her pictures of her doing something cute, and so my friends and family can see her growing up. I love to brag when she has done something new, or commiserate with my mom friends when she is being bad. But I don't get to post things like that for both of my children. I don't get to give people updates about Kayla. I don't get to broadcast cute pictures....hell, I don't even get to post any picture of her because I am so scared that someone will say something hurtful or inappropriate because as a whole, the world doesn't want to see pictures of dead babies with bruising all over their face. But most of all, I don't want to not acknowledge my daughter, I don't want to pretend like I only have one. Maybe to other people, they do know I experienced a loss, but they might think I am "over" the worst of the pain and I am happy with Emily. But in our family, in my heart, I have two daughters. Death does not make Kayla any less a part of my family than Emily is. Em is even getting to the age where she knows who Kayla is. She doesn't quite understand I am sure, but when we go to the cemetery she knows we're there to see Keya, she knows when I read her the book "my baby big sister" that it's explaining to her what happened to her baby big sister. She knows the blanket and pillow in the shadow box on her wall belonged to Keya. I don't have one daughter, I don't have any only child, I have two girls. And posting quotes about her and her loss is the only thing I and other loss moms get to do regarding their lost children. No one thinks parents of living children are being drama queens, or not "getting over" how amazing their kids are. So we'd like to be understood. We're not seeking attention, we're just bragging about our kids too.
I guess it would be, that we are not jealous, or bitter, or hateful. We do not hate you because your baby didn't die. We don't expect the world to tip toe around us, and we don't think we're the only ones to ever go through some sort of tragedy. But we do have strong emotions, and they sometimes involve you and your family.
When you announce your pregnancy, we are happy for you. We are! We never want to hear about somebody going through what we went through. When I hear of another woman, often times a stranger, that just experienced a loss, I don't think to myself, good! Let some bad things happen to other people. I am not happy about it, and I have spent many nights crying over a complete stranger's loss. You've probably heard that loss moms should be treated gently when a friend or family member announces their pregnancy. Tell them in private if you can, especially if you are a close relative or friend. Even better, tell them in writing or social media. It sounds all kinds of backwards, but we need to be told in a way that we can react how we naturally react, and not have to feel bad about not reacting happily to your news. We need to be able to cry, or be angry, or be sad in private.
We don't expect the whole world to tip toe around us, but it is a courtesy that we very much appreciate. It's simple, if you know of our pain, be kind if you can. We don't expect you to not be happy about your good news, we don't expect you to never have kids because we lost ours. But we would just appreciate it a lot if you could take our feelings into consideration. I think people get upset about having to be gentle around loss moms, because they think that we think we're special, or somehow better than other people and deserve special treatment. But trust me, being different for this reason is something NO loss mom wants. I would give up any and all attention, I would gladly revoke my membership in the loss moms club if I could have my daughter back. So please, instead of being annoyed, be compassionate, and be thankful that you don't have to know how we feel.
On that same topic, is fake pregnancy announcements. It's never happened to me personally....I've seen friends comment on a post of someone they know who did it, or I read about a celebrity doing it. But thankfully I've never had a friend or family member do this. But again, we don't dislike them because we want the world to cradle us, and we are not uptight because we cannot take a joke. I'm sure most loss moms have a great sense of humor, but there are just some things that are not funny, and this is one of them. The reason they are so hurtful is because as a loss mom, we dread real announcements all the time. I've had to unfollow many friends, family, and co-workers because I couldn't handle seeing their happy posts about their growing unborn child. Again, not because I am not happy for them, but because it makes me sad for myself, and it is just a huge reminder that they have something I desperately want, and couldn't have. Even now that I have Emily, real announcements are still hard to handle. Why? Because it is a reminder that there is yet another person who (presumably) didn't have to suffer to get their joy. No, we don't always know what goes on behind closed doors, but when someone makes a pregnancy announcements just months after their wedding, it's probably a safe bet they didn't suffer from infertility, and hopefully not from loss (though they could have, I realize this).
So given how difficult it is for us to hear about real announcements, a fake one puts us through that same pain, except it is fake, so there was no need to do it. We know real announcements are going to happen so we deal with them as best we can, but fake ones serve no purpose, and are not needed. It's like I tell my husband....years ago I lived in this second story apartment, but it was an abnormally high second story. So my dad bought me a safety rope ladder that could be hooked to the window so you can climb down. When my now-husband saw it, he wanted to use it to climb out the window. I said no, it's not safe, you could get hurt. He said if it wasn't safe, they wouldn't sell it. I said, but if you are climbing out of a window during a fire, and you fall and break your leg, it sucks that your leg is broken, but you're alive. If you climb out when there isn't a fire, and you fall and break your leg, then you're just an idiot with a broken leg. If we have to endure painful pregnancy announcements, we at least want it to be real, where people are so happy to be adding to their family. Please don't add to our pain for a bad joke. Loss parents aside, it's really not even a funny joke. If you announce a fake pregnancy and someone is upset about the idea of you being pregnant, you'll make them mad for no reason. If they're really excited that you're pregnant, then you just dangled happiness in front of them, only to yank it away. So, it's just a bad idea all around.
I also want the world to know that we are not drama queens looking for attention. I have a friend on facebook...I don't actually know her in person, but a mutual friend of ours introduced us after she also lost her baby, just a few weeks gestation further along than Kayla was. They just marked the first year since their daughter was born sleeping, and with this being October, and October 15th coming up (National infant and pregnancy loss awareness day) she posts a lot of quotes about child loss. I don't know if anyone has said anything to her, but I would suspect there are at least a couple people in her life that probably roll their eyes when they see them, and think "again, another one". People who think she is posting them for attention, or so people think "poor her". But that's not it. We don't want attention, we don't want people to feel sorry for us. We just want to keep our children's memory alive. We want to acknowledge our lost children.
As a parent of a living child, I love to tell stories about Emily. I love to post her pictures of her doing something cute, and so my friends and family can see her growing up. I love to brag when she has done something new, or commiserate with my mom friends when she is being bad. But I don't get to post things like that for both of my children. I don't get to give people updates about Kayla. I don't get to broadcast cute pictures....hell, I don't even get to post any picture of her because I am so scared that someone will say something hurtful or inappropriate because as a whole, the world doesn't want to see pictures of dead babies with bruising all over their face. But most of all, I don't want to not acknowledge my daughter, I don't want to pretend like I only have one. Maybe to other people, they do know I experienced a loss, but they might think I am "over" the worst of the pain and I am happy with Emily. But in our family, in my heart, I have two daughters. Death does not make Kayla any less a part of my family than Emily is. Em is even getting to the age where she knows who Kayla is. She doesn't quite understand I am sure, but when we go to the cemetery she knows we're there to see Keya, she knows when I read her the book "my baby big sister" that it's explaining to her what happened to her baby big sister. She knows the blanket and pillow in the shadow box on her wall belonged to Keya. I don't have one daughter, I don't have any only child, I have two girls. And posting quotes about her and her loss is the only thing I and other loss moms get to do regarding their lost children. No one thinks parents of living children are being drama queens, or not "getting over" how amazing their kids are. So we'd like to be understood. We're not seeking attention, we're just bragging about our kids too.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Capture your grief, day 12
12. LEMONS + LEMONADE | Have you made anything positive come from this unimaginable loss? Did you find any blessings among all the sadness and sorrow?
This is a really tough one, because in many deaths, you can find some silver lining, and you can find something that puts you at peace with it sometimes. In the case of when my mom died, it had been two years since I had spoken to my best friend. We had had a falling out, not really over anything bad between us, but her boyfriend at the time was very controlling and abusive. He made it his job to do everything he could to make our friendship difficult because without the support of her best friend, it was unlikely she would stand up to him or leave him. The final straw was when she and I got an apartment together (our first time moving out of our parents' homes). She wasn't really ready to move out, and with him making things so hard all the time, she ended up moving back home and our friendship died.
I suppose some would say good riddance if she chose an abusive boyfriend over a true friend, but honestly, I think it is all just proof of how much we meant to one another. After not being ready to be on her own, when I was and so excited by it, I think she felt she had let me down. Her boyfriend was also such a jerk to me, and was a jerk to her because of me...she knew I would always be there for her, but she let his threats scare her into doing whatever he said because she knew he probably wouldn't be there for her if she chose me. Maybe she didn't know it at the time, but I feel by her bowing out of our friendship at that time, it saved us in the long run, because had we stayed friends, I think it was a possibility that he would have done so much damage that our friendship would have slowly declined to the point where it was irreparable. I was never mad at her. I was sad, and dissapointed that things didn't work out like we envisioned them, and I missed my friend like crazy, but I never ever felt any ill will toward her.
Two years later when my mom died, I expressed to my ex-boyfriend how I wish I could call and tell her because I didn't want her to find out through the church our families occasionally attended. But I was too scared to call her, after all that time, and about such an emotionally difficult subject. So he offered to call her for me and tell her. I didn't really have any expectations, I didn't not want to be friends again, but my main objective was for her to know. After he called her, she called me that night and we talked for hours. She came to the visitation and the funeral, and the minute she walked in she gave me a hug that neither one of us pulled away from for several minutes. Our friendship was rekindled from that moment on and it has never been stronger. Last month we celebrated our 25th year of being friends. I like to think that even if my mom hadn't died, we would have found our way back to each other. But what if we hadn't? I missed her so much, and to have her back in a time when I needed her the most was a blessing.
The same can be said of my grandparents. My grandma was always the healthy one, barely ever went to the doctor, didn't have any long term illnesses and she was sharp as a tack. My grandpa had had everything imaginable happen to him; heart attacks, diabetes, had to have EMS called for low sugar many times and was once very close to slipping into a diabetic coma. He even had, and overcame West Nile! So when he was in the hospital for a few months, his longest stint yet, and wasn't getting much better, we were all beyond shocked when we got the news that my grandma had died.
I was so sad, mad, angry....not that I wanted my grandpa to die, but he would finally be out of the pain he had been in for many years. When my mom died, my grandpa was gutted. Not that my grandma wasn't devastated, but my grandpa wore his heart on his sleeve. She was his little girl, and he had to bury her. His physical pain aside, we knew his death would also mean his emotional pain would be over, and he'd be able to see his daughter again. We had been emotionally preparing for his death for a long time, especially then while he had been in the hospital for so long. I knew that if for some crazy reason my grandma were to die before him, it would just be a matter of time before he followed. But we were certain that if he went first, she could probably go on to live at least 5-10 more good years. She was my best friend, and I was devastated when she died. She seemed so healthy, so mentally present. She was 83, which I know is a good long life, but I really saw her living until at least her 90th, and surely not to go as quickly and as unexpected as she went.
As we suspected, my grandpa followed her into the afterlife exactly 23 days later, but mentally he died the same day. He was never the same after she died. He went from a sick, but lucid, emotional (both happy and sad, depending on his mood) man, to just a shell of who he used to be, refusing to eat, sleeping all day and just sitting in his wheelchair out in the hall of the nursing home he was now at. He had deteriorated so much that my brother walked right past him in the hallway going to visit him. He didn't even look like himself. The day my grandpa was told of his wife's death, he later asked his daughter-in-law if she was Ann, and if she was there to take him home.
They thought he was confused, mistaking her for his wife, wanting to go home. But I don't think that was what he meant. I think he thought she was my grandma (or maybe he saw her spirit???) and was asking if she was there to take him home to Heaven. When his body finally caught up with his heart and he passed away, it all made sense to me. My grandparents were that couple that still acted like they were twenty year old newlyweds. They were just a few months shy of their 65th wedding anniversary, they still held hands, and he called her his little momma. When he was first put in the hospital he was so sad to be there without my grandma. She came to visit every day, but that wasn't enough for him. One day I took her to see him, and he was laying in his hospital bed, his whole body shaking because he was crying so hard.
My grandpa had had so many health issues through out his life, we joked that he was a cat with 9 lives, because any one of his ailments could have, and should have killed him. It's like he should have died many times over before he finally did. And I truly believe he held on all those times, because he would never leave my grandma. It's like she knew he wouldn't go without her, so she had to go first, to make it ok for him to finally let go. When I thought of that, my heart was at peace. I miss them both terribly, but thinking her sudden death was meant to be, and they are together and happy, with my mom in Heaven, just made my grief that much easier to deal with.
So, I got off on a little tangent. As I've said, there are no instances that make Kayla's death better, like she was spared from some kind of suffering, and it's not like her dying put her out of any pain or anything like that. Being a loss mom is very hard. I didn't spend all day every day of my pregnancy with Emily in fear, but I was afraid every single day. Even for the first several months of her life, I was terrified all the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something horrible to happen. I still worry about her of course, I'm her mom, it's my job. But my worry and anxiety when she was a newborn was off the charts. But, being a loss mom makes you that more appreciative of the good times with your rainbow.
Sure Emily drives me insane, she tests my patience, she misbehaves, she makes messes. Every kid does. Today I yelled at her so loudly for something she did, I saw her jerk with surprise. She's in the middle of her terrible two's, on her way to the terrible three's, of course some days she is a monster. But I love that little monster with all of my being, and there is not one single day that I don't think about how lucky I am to have her. Not one day goes by that I don't hug her tightly, and thank my lucky stars for her. Never having had a child when I wasn't a loss mom, I don't know how other parents feel. I know they love and adore their children, but I suspect many parents can and do get lost in the daily grind. For people who never had to face the dissapointment of month after month of negative pregnancy tests, or that moment of sheer panic when there is blood in the toilet, or have to give birth to their baby, knowing she likely would not be born alive, and if she was, it was almost impossible that she would live for anything more than days or even minutes, I think it is very possible and normal to take your kids for granted.
They're not bad parents for doing so, not at all. They're busy with work, housework, school, their kids school, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, their marriage, and themselves that I can see how easy it would be for days here and there to seem to be nothing but chaos. And maybe I am wrong, maybe all good parents appreciate their kids on a daily basis, but I just know ho stressed I can get with just one kid, and I don't think it would be hard at all to take them for granted on occasion. But my experience has given me the gift (for lack of a better word) of knowing that life is short, and it can all be gone in an instant. Emily is a good kid, but she has her moments, and she has them every single day. Some days it seems the whole day is filled with those moments. But I am thankful that I know how lucky I am to have her, and I am thankful for every moment I can hug her, and kiss her, and look into her beautiful eyes.
The other blessings that I feel, is just the privilege to have known, and gotten to be Kayla's mom. The love I felt for her, the fierce feeling of being willing to protect her from anything humanly possible was so shocking to me. I had always wanted children, but when the time came, I was scared. Not scared enough to not do it, but I always wondered, am I ready for this? Will I like being a mother? Will I want her around ALL THE TIME? I didn't get that chance, but the answer is yes. I love being a mother, and I wish she was still here. The love I felt for this tiny little thing that I had carried inside me for 22 weeks was like a love I had never known. Despite all the pain and the sadness and my broken heart, I would go through it all over again just to hold her again and look at her face for those 12 hours. I've never ever regretted it, she made me a mother and despite everything, that is a blessing. She also gave me Emily. If Kayla had lived, Emily wouldn't be here. I hate to think that, and I would never ever say I am glad Kayla didn't live. But I also cannot imagine not knowing this funny, sweet, determined, smart, caring child.
This is a really tough one, because in many deaths, you can find some silver lining, and you can find something that puts you at peace with it sometimes. In the case of when my mom died, it had been two years since I had spoken to my best friend. We had had a falling out, not really over anything bad between us, but her boyfriend at the time was very controlling and abusive. He made it his job to do everything he could to make our friendship difficult because without the support of her best friend, it was unlikely she would stand up to him or leave him. The final straw was when she and I got an apartment together (our first time moving out of our parents' homes). She wasn't really ready to move out, and with him making things so hard all the time, she ended up moving back home and our friendship died.
I suppose some would say good riddance if she chose an abusive boyfriend over a true friend, but honestly, I think it is all just proof of how much we meant to one another. After not being ready to be on her own, when I was and so excited by it, I think she felt she had let me down. Her boyfriend was also such a jerk to me, and was a jerk to her because of me...she knew I would always be there for her, but she let his threats scare her into doing whatever he said because she knew he probably wouldn't be there for her if she chose me. Maybe she didn't know it at the time, but I feel by her bowing out of our friendship at that time, it saved us in the long run, because had we stayed friends, I think it was a possibility that he would have done so much damage that our friendship would have slowly declined to the point where it was irreparable. I was never mad at her. I was sad, and dissapointed that things didn't work out like we envisioned them, and I missed my friend like crazy, but I never ever felt any ill will toward her.
Two years later when my mom died, I expressed to my ex-boyfriend how I wish I could call and tell her because I didn't want her to find out through the church our families occasionally attended. But I was too scared to call her, after all that time, and about such an emotionally difficult subject. So he offered to call her for me and tell her. I didn't really have any expectations, I didn't not want to be friends again, but my main objective was for her to know. After he called her, she called me that night and we talked for hours. She came to the visitation and the funeral, and the minute she walked in she gave me a hug that neither one of us pulled away from for several minutes. Our friendship was rekindled from that moment on and it has never been stronger. Last month we celebrated our 25th year of being friends. I like to think that even if my mom hadn't died, we would have found our way back to each other. But what if we hadn't? I missed her so much, and to have her back in a time when I needed her the most was a blessing.
The same can be said of my grandparents. My grandma was always the healthy one, barely ever went to the doctor, didn't have any long term illnesses and she was sharp as a tack. My grandpa had had everything imaginable happen to him; heart attacks, diabetes, had to have EMS called for low sugar many times and was once very close to slipping into a diabetic coma. He even had, and overcame West Nile! So when he was in the hospital for a few months, his longest stint yet, and wasn't getting much better, we were all beyond shocked when we got the news that my grandma had died.
I was so sad, mad, angry....not that I wanted my grandpa to die, but he would finally be out of the pain he had been in for many years. When my mom died, my grandpa was gutted. Not that my grandma wasn't devastated, but my grandpa wore his heart on his sleeve. She was his little girl, and he had to bury her. His physical pain aside, we knew his death would also mean his emotional pain would be over, and he'd be able to see his daughter again. We had been emotionally preparing for his death for a long time, especially then while he had been in the hospital for so long. I knew that if for some crazy reason my grandma were to die before him, it would just be a matter of time before he followed. But we were certain that if he went first, she could probably go on to live at least 5-10 more good years. She was my best friend, and I was devastated when she died. She seemed so healthy, so mentally present. She was 83, which I know is a good long life, but I really saw her living until at least her 90th, and surely not to go as quickly and as unexpected as she went.
As we suspected, my grandpa followed her into the afterlife exactly 23 days later, but mentally he died the same day. He was never the same after she died. He went from a sick, but lucid, emotional (both happy and sad, depending on his mood) man, to just a shell of who he used to be, refusing to eat, sleeping all day and just sitting in his wheelchair out in the hall of the nursing home he was now at. He had deteriorated so much that my brother walked right past him in the hallway going to visit him. He didn't even look like himself. The day my grandpa was told of his wife's death, he later asked his daughter-in-law if she was Ann, and if she was there to take him home.
They thought he was confused, mistaking her for his wife, wanting to go home. But I don't think that was what he meant. I think he thought she was my grandma (or maybe he saw her spirit???) and was asking if she was there to take him home to Heaven. When his body finally caught up with his heart and he passed away, it all made sense to me. My grandparents were that couple that still acted like they were twenty year old newlyweds. They were just a few months shy of their 65th wedding anniversary, they still held hands, and he called her his little momma. When he was first put in the hospital he was so sad to be there without my grandma. She came to visit every day, but that wasn't enough for him. One day I took her to see him, and he was laying in his hospital bed, his whole body shaking because he was crying so hard.
My grandpa had had so many health issues through out his life, we joked that he was a cat with 9 lives, because any one of his ailments could have, and should have killed him. It's like he should have died many times over before he finally did. And I truly believe he held on all those times, because he would never leave my grandma. It's like she knew he wouldn't go without her, so she had to go first, to make it ok for him to finally let go. When I thought of that, my heart was at peace. I miss them both terribly, but thinking her sudden death was meant to be, and they are together and happy, with my mom in Heaven, just made my grief that much easier to deal with.
So, I got off on a little tangent. As I've said, there are no instances that make Kayla's death better, like she was spared from some kind of suffering, and it's not like her dying put her out of any pain or anything like that. Being a loss mom is very hard. I didn't spend all day every day of my pregnancy with Emily in fear, but I was afraid every single day. Even for the first several months of her life, I was terrified all the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something horrible to happen. I still worry about her of course, I'm her mom, it's my job. But my worry and anxiety when she was a newborn was off the charts. But, being a loss mom makes you that more appreciative of the good times with your rainbow.
Sure Emily drives me insane, she tests my patience, she misbehaves, she makes messes. Every kid does. Today I yelled at her so loudly for something she did, I saw her jerk with surprise. She's in the middle of her terrible two's, on her way to the terrible three's, of course some days she is a monster. But I love that little monster with all of my being, and there is not one single day that I don't think about how lucky I am to have her. Not one day goes by that I don't hug her tightly, and thank my lucky stars for her. Never having had a child when I wasn't a loss mom, I don't know how other parents feel. I know they love and adore their children, but I suspect many parents can and do get lost in the daily grind. For people who never had to face the dissapointment of month after month of negative pregnancy tests, or that moment of sheer panic when there is blood in the toilet, or have to give birth to their baby, knowing she likely would not be born alive, and if she was, it was almost impossible that she would live for anything more than days or even minutes, I think it is very possible and normal to take your kids for granted.
They're not bad parents for doing so, not at all. They're busy with work, housework, school, their kids school, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, their marriage, and themselves that I can see how easy it would be for days here and there to seem to be nothing but chaos. And maybe I am wrong, maybe all good parents appreciate their kids on a daily basis, but I just know ho stressed I can get with just one kid, and I don't think it would be hard at all to take them for granted on occasion. But my experience has given me the gift (for lack of a better word) of knowing that life is short, and it can all be gone in an instant. Emily is a good kid, but she has her moments, and she has them every single day. Some days it seems the whole day is filled with those moments. But I am thankful that I know how lucky I am to have her, and I am thankful for every moment I can hug her, and kiss her, and look into her beautiful eyes.
The other blessings that I feel, is just the privilege to have known, and gotten to be Kayla's mom. The love I felt for her, the fierce feeling of being willing to protect her from anything humanly possible was so shocking to me. I had always wanted children, but when the time came, I was scared. Not scared enough to not do it, but I always wondered, am I ready for this? Will I like being a mother? Will I want her around ALL THE TIME? I didn't get that chance, but the answer is yes. I love being a mother, and I wish she was still here. The love I felt for this tiny little thing that I had carried inside me for 22 weeks was like a love I had never known. Despite all the pain and the sadness and my broken heart, I would go through it all over again just to hold her again and look at her face for those 12 hours. I've never ever regretted it, she made me a mother and despite everything, that is a blessing. She also gave me Emily. If Kayla had lived, Emily wouldn't be here. I hate to think that, and I would never ever say I am glad Kayla didn't live. But I also cannot imagine not knowing this funny, sweet, determined, smart, caring child.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Capture your grief, day 11
11. CREATIVE HEARTWORK | Have you done anything special to memorialize your child? Maybe you got a tattoo or commissioned a piece of art to be created. Maybe you have a special piece of jewelry to remember them by or created a garden.
We've done a bunch of things. The first thing we did, just a few days after she passed was go make appointments to get tattoos done. It was my third, and my husband's first. He kept talking about getting one but he didn't know of what, and I kind of joked with him, "Babe, there are certain things that if you haven't done them by age 30, you shouldn't do them". So I was happy he was able to get a very special tattoo for his first, and one that he will never ever regret having.
Here is mine, I got her actual footprint (to scale) and her name and date. I now kind of wish I had gotten it on the top of my foot, but oh well. It's on my inner left ankle.
Here is Ryan's, it's on his lower right arm. I think it is absolutely gorgeous, and while I do love having her footprint on me, I am a bit jealous of his tattoo, it's so beautiful.
After planning for 3 years to do this, we finally got Kayla's garden planted. But, we had a really hot summer this year and our watering schedule just couldn't keep up with the affects of the sun. And on top of that, I let the weeds get out of control, because it was so damn hot out, I just couldn't bring myself to go out and take care of them. I'm very sad that we let this happen, but we'll plant a new garden in the spring and make sure it's taken care of. But here it is the day we finished it.
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So I just wanted to write real quick about a few things. Emily didn't nap today, and boy was she a little hellion toward bed time. But the reason she didn't nap was kind of funny. She had a tantrum about something earlier in the day, so I put her in time out, which is in the corner of the couch. Sometimes she will sit quietly in time out and watch TV, like she must have done today. I got busy with my phone and was enjoying the silence, when I finally looked up after a while and saw that she had fallen asleep. I'm not sure how long she was sitting there, my guess is 20-30 minutes. Poor baby, mommy made her sit in time out so long she fell asleep!
Tonight I cleaned out her closet to make room for fall clothes, but I decided to go a step further and cleaned out her old coats, hats, dresses, pajamas, pants, shoes, and shorts. I normally pack them away in a tote, but I don't have any empty totes at the moment, and our storage in the basement is getting pretty full. I already have a pack n play I want to sell at the resale shop, so I figured why not see how much of the clothes they'll take as well. I ended up with four large bags and one small bag (shoes). I think most of them are very clean and cute, so I am hoping they take almost all of it. There are only a few pieces that have small stains I just couldn't get out. That would be awesome if I get a decent chunk of change to buy her fall wardrobe with.
Packing up these clothes was surprisingly easy. I think because they are obviously her bigger clothes, and they just went straight from closet to bags. I am used to seeing all these clothes in her closet, so it's not like I sat there, going through totes of clothes I hadn't seen in months or years, especially teeny weeny clothes that make me sad that my baby is growing up too fast. Since we know for sure now that there won't be another little one, I would love to get rid of all her stuff in the basement, but I just don't think I'm ready for the first year of clothes, or any of her gear. I guess it's not hurting anything to keep it a while longer.
We've done a bunch of things. The first thing we did, just a few days after she passed was go make appointments to get tattoos done. It was my third, and my husband's first. He kept talking about getting one but he didn't know of what, and I kind of joked with him, "Babe, there are certain things that if you haven't done them by age 30, you shouldn't do them". So I was happy he was able to get a very special tattoo for his first, and one that he will never ever regret having.
Here is mine, I got her actual footprint (to scale) and her name and date. I now kind of wish I had gotten it on the top of my foot, but oh well. It's on my inner left ankle.
Here is Ryan's, it's on his lower right arm. I think it is absolutely gorgeous, and while I do love having her footprint on me, I am a bit jealous of his tattoo, it's so beautiful.
After planning for 3 years to do this, we finally got Kayla's garden planted. But, we had a really hot summer this year and our watering schedule just couldn't keep up with the affects of the sun. And on top of that, I let the weeds get out of control, because it was so damn hot out, I just couldn't bring myself to go out and take care of them. I'm very sad that we let this happen, but we'll plant a new garden in the spring and make sure it's taken care of. But here it is the day we finished it.
*********************************************************************************
So I just wanted to write real quick about a few things. Emily didn't nap today, and boy was she a little hellion toward bed time. But the reason she didn't nap was kind of funny. She had a tantrum about something earlier in the day, so I put her in time out, which is in the corner of the couch. Sometimes she will sit quietly in time out and watch TV, like she must have done today. I got busy with my phone and was enjoying the silence, when I finally looked up after a while and saw that she had fallen asleep. I'm not sure how long she was sitting there, my guess is 20-30 minutes. Poor baby, mommy made her sit in time out so long she fell asleep!
Tonight I cleaned out her closet to make room for fall clothes, but I decided to go a step further and cleaned out her old coats, hats, dresses, pajamas, pants, shoes, and shorts. I normally pack them away in a tote, but I don't have any empty totes at the moment, and our storage in the basement is getting pretty full. I already have a pack n play I want to sell at the resale shop, so I figured why not see how much of the clothes they'll take as well. I ended up with four large bags and one small bag (shoes). I think most of them are very clean and cute, so I am hoping they take almost all of it. There are only a few pieces that have small stains I just couldn't get out. That would be awesome if I get a decent chunk of change to buy her fall wardrobe with.
Packing up these clothes was surprisingly easy. I think because they are obviously her bigger clothes, and they just went straight from closet to bags. I am used to seeing all these clothes in her closet, so it's not like I sat there, going through totes of clothes I hadn't seen in months or years, especially teeny weeny clothes that make me sad that my baby is growing up too fast. Since we know for sure now that there won't be another little one, I would love to get rid of all her stuff in the basement, but I just don't think I'm ready for the first year of clothes, or any of her gear. I guess it's not hurting anything to keep it a while longer.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Capture your grief, day 10
10. SYMBOLS + SIGNS | Do you have a symbol that represents your child? Maybe it is a butterfly, tree or bird etc. Share how you came to find that symbol and what it means to you. Do you believe your children send you signs at all? Have you had any? How did they help you?
It's kind of a cliche, but the symbol that represents Kayla is a butterfly. It is a commonly used symbol, especially for children because the butterfly represents the child's short life essentially ending on earth as the caterpillar, and then gaining their wings and going on to live a wonderful life in Heaven as a beautiful butterfly.
But that isn't actually how we came up with it. Kayla's nursery theme was going to be butterflies and when we were looking through the catalog of the available symbols you can put on the grave stone, nothing was really standing out to us. We didn't get to know her, we didn't know her personality, whether she would have been a girly girl like her sister, or maybe a tomboy or a little of both. So it was hard to just pick something without having meaning. But then I saw a butterfly and since it was what we had chosen for her room, it just felt right.
We originally chose two butterflies to be at the top of her stone, side by side, but when the proof came back, something about it just seemed off. My husband suggested they be turned to an angle slightly, so it looked like they were flying. When we got the second proof back, we were overwhelmed by how perfect it was. Being the only thing we would get to buy for our little girl, we spend a lot of time thinking about how to make it just perfect, and we're both really happy with how it turned out.
I always smile when I see a butterfly. They just look so peaceful and graceful which is how I hope Kayla is. When I see them, I feel like she is with me. I feel like she sends me a sign when we go to visit her grave and her pinwheel spins. Often, it only spins after we have said something, like when we say hi to her and that we love her. It's like the pinwheel spinning is her acknowledging that we're there.
It's kind of a cliche, but the symbol that represents Kayla is a butterfly. It is a commonly used symbol, especially for children because the butterfly represents the child's short life essentially ending on earth as the caterpillar, and then gaining their wings and going on to live a wonderful life in Heaven as a beautiful butterfly.
But that isn't actually how we came up with it. Kayla's nursery theme was going to be butterflies and when we were looking through the catalog of the available symbols you can put on the grave stone, nothing was really standing out to us. We didn't get to know her, we didn't know her personality, whether she would have been a girly girl like her sister, or maybe a tomboy or a little of both. So it was hard to just pick something without having meaning. But then I saw a butterfly and since it was what we had chosen for her room, it just felt right.
We originally chose two butterflies to be at the top of her stone, side by side, but when the proof came back, something about it just seemed off. My husband suggested they be turned to an angle slightly, so it looked like they were flying. When we got the second proof back, we were overwhelmed by how perfect it was. Being the only thing we would get to buy for our little girl, we spend a lot of time thinking about how to make it just perfect, and we're both really happy with how it turned out.
I always smile when I see a butterfly. They just look so peaceful and graceful which is how I hope Kayla is. When I see them, I feel like she is with me. I feel like she sends me a sign when we go to visit her grave and her pinwheel spins. Often, it only spins after we have said something, like when we say hi to her and that we love her. It's like the pinwheel spinning is her acknowledging that we're there.
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