Coming out of her shell

We've had so much fun lately.  Last week we took the Amtrak train to Ann Arbor and then spent the afternoon at the Children's Hand-on Museum.  We could have easily driven, but the train station is close by and once there it was only half a mile walk to the museum, and Emily LOVES trains, so it was a fun way to spend the day.  She was a little scared when it pulled into the station, but I think she adored being on a real train.  And it was a nice, albeit expensive way to avoid traffic and finding parking.

The museum was SO much fun.  I hadn't been since I was a kid and I barely remember it.  I knew she'd have a good time, but I really had no idea how much fun she would have, and Ryan and I had a great time too.  We only made it through the first floor and the toddler room on the mezzanine.  They offer a fantastic deal for a year membership, AND it covers grandparents so they can take her without us as many times as they want.  Since we still have three more floors to see, we got the membership.  I'm excited to go back.

By the time we got back to the train station to go home, we were all whipped.  Especially Ryan because he works nights, and we left a couple hours after he got home that morning so he didn't sleep all day.  We got there about an hour early and then I got a text saying the train was delayed an hour, so we had an almost two hour wait.  Then there was some confusion about there being another train coming in before ours, so long story short, we waited all that time, and then we almost missed our train because I thought it was the other one.  Thankfully we were sitting outside and heard them yell, last call for train 352.  Whew, I would have cried if after all that we missed our train.

The next day Emily and I met my friend and her two boys at the park so they could play, and we could chat.  I'm so proud of her.  We beat them there by a few minutes, so once I got her sunscreened-up, I told her she could go play, so she ran off and made a bee line for these three girls that were playing on the swings.  Once the boys got there they all played, but then we decided to head over to another playscape across the park, so as we were leaving one of the girls yelled out, bye Emily!  Oh momma is so proud, she made friends and they were sad to see her go.

When she was really little she beat other kids up, and then she went through a really shy stage, so I am thrilled to see her getting along with other kids and not being glued to my leg.  She can still be shy, but I wasVERY shy when I was young.  I don't want her to go through that.  Life will be so much easier for her if she's not so super super shy.  I am sure I would never have run over to 3 girls I didn't know to play when I was her age.  Then my friend's oldest was playing with a girl about his age (7) and the two of them were running and climbing all over the playscape, and Emily was running after them yelling wait up guys, hey guys, wait for me!  She did really well climbing up the "rock" pile, and I've noticed she's just much more open to playing on most everything now.  Before she used to shy away from certain parts of the playscapes, not wanting to go down most slides and kept wanting me to play with her and even climb up in the structure.  I don't think she even realized I was there half the time that day.

A couple days later we were playing in the front yard and the neighbor kids were out.  She gets along really good with Daphne next door, who is also 7.  It's nice because she takes Emily under her wing and kind of watches out for her and takes her by the hand to go play with certain things.  It's too bad they all go to private school, it would be nice if she had an older friend that she knows once she starts school.  But with the way schools are now, she likely wouldn't see her much anyway.  When I went to school it was K-6 at one school, 7 and 8 at another and then 9-12.  But in our city anyway, it's K-4, 5-6, 7-8, and 9-12.  So when she starts Kindergarten, even if Daphne went to that school, it would only be for the one year and then she would move on to the 5-6 building, and then they would never be at the same school together ever again.

Then the little boy across the street came over and he and Emily kicked these big foam dice around the yard for a while.  He's 5, so I think he is starting K this year, so he'll be in 2nd grade when she starts K.  So at least she'll have one friendly face in the school....that is if he goes to public school, I don't know.  I worry about this kid.  We notice he crosses the street a lot without looking, and he also rides his power wheels out into the street, crosses to come over to our side, and he'll go down one driveway and drive in the street and then go up another one.  Our street is residential, so 25mph, but most don't go that slow, and we live right near a curve.  Someone comes around that curve too fast while he happens to be crossing or in the road....I'm afraid to think of what could happen.

His parents are almost never outside with him.  I try really hard not to judge because parenting is so hard, and I don't want to be a helicopter parent, but I really don't think 5 is old enough to be playing out in the front yard by yourself, especially when you're a kid who doesn't do well with looking for cars before crossing the road.  I really do think Emily could be trusted to know better, but never say never, and I still wouldn't let her be in the front yard at 5 by herself for more than a couple minutes.  I am sure (I hope) they keep an eye on him from inside the house, but if the worst were to happen there is no way they could react and get outside in enough time to help him.  And I am sure they are not watching him much of the time or he wouldn't be crossing the road like he does.

So while they were playing, Emily ran in the backyard to get something, so he followed her to help her get it.  We've never formally met his parents, and she and him were in the backyard for a good 3-5 minutes.  Had they looked out their window right then, their son would have been nowhere to be found.  There is no way in hell Emily would get the opportunity to dissapear into someone's back yard of a family I have never even met.  They just had a baby girl a few months ago.  I'm starting to get rid of Emily's baby gear and clothes she has grown out of.  Maybe one of these days I'll go over there, introduce myself and see if she could use any of the clothes or gear.  I still don't know how to say to another mom "hey you're not watching your kid and he's going to get hit by a car one of these days", but if I at least formally meet her and maybe get to know her, maybe I can somehow bring it up.  Or at least feel better about him coming over and being in our yard and them not knowing.

So he was riding his little F150 power wheels the other day.  He's cruising down the street with his music on, his shades on....so cute, a little ladies man already.  The older girls next door would hitch a ride in the back now and then, and Emily said she wanted to ride.  I would have let her if he stayed on the sidewalk, but I wasn't about to let her ride with him when he goes out into the street.  I never thought I would be telling my daughter no to going for rides with boys because they are irresponsible drivers already.  She's only 3 for crying out loud, haha.

Speaking of power wheels, my dad got her one for his house last summer, used.  He got it out the other day but despite charging it, the battery is dead.  So yesterday she points at him and says you fix my car, ok?  I can't drive it!  Hahaha, she cracks me up.

Today we went and signed her up for summer dance class.  It's only a 5 week program, but it will be a good intro to dance, and if she likes it, we'll consider a 6 month program this fall.  I cannot wait to see my little ballerina in her leotard and ballet shoes!  We also need to get her signed up for swim lessons, and then next summer she will finally be old enough for the tennis program I do in the summer.  I say finally, but I've been looking forward to this since I found out they start little kids at 4....we weren't even married yet then, so it must have been at least 7 or 8 years ago.  To think all that time has passed, and she is almost the age that she can enroll, that's crazy!  I won't go all crazy sports mom, but I will confess, I will be a little crushed if she doesn't like tennis.  It's one of my favorite things in the world, and it would be so awesome if she genuinly enjoys is too.

We had dinner at the mall tonight, and before that we let her play for a bit in the indoor play area there.  The last time we were there was January I think....yeah because it was MLK day and I forgot kids would be off school and it was busy.  But that time, she wanted us to follow her around the whole time, if any kid tried to use anything she was playing on she would back off and let them do it.  I don't want her to be a bully but I also don't want her to get walked on.  But today she took off playing, I watched as another little girl came up to her and asked what her name is and she said I'm Emmy, and the other one said do you want to play with me and she said yeah!  Those two and another girl all took turns chasing each other around and playing.  Ugh, my heart was bursting.  My little girl is coming out of her shell!

Some of it could just be age, but I really think the daycare at the gym can take a lot of the credit.  We don't go as often as I'd like to, but most weeks we go at least once.  Being around other kids, and other adults that aren't us or the grandparents is so good for her I think.  She's really blossoming.  So happy we decided to join that gym.  Some people seem to think it's odd that we're only doing one year of pre-school for her.  Maybe if kindergarten were still half days, we would consider it.  But with K being all day now, I don't really see the need for two years of Pre-k.  Like I said, she's getting social interaction with other kids at the gym daycare, with dance coming up, the kids in the neighborhood, when she starts swim class, kids at the playground, my friends' kids, her cousins (who she'll see weekly once they're out of school) and tennis next summer.

Maybe if she were struggling with certain things like counting or ABC's or whatever, but I would say she is on track, if not a little ahead for her age.  I know kids like school in the early years, but pre-school starts the lifelong commitment of things she has to do.  First school, then a job, then school and a job, then college, then a career.....why not let her stay home one extra year before she starts all the has to's in life?  Besides, she won't be my baby forever, I'd like the extra year with her too.  

So we ditched the diapers at nap time about a month ago.  She has done really well, I think she's only had one or two days where she had an accident.  Some days remain "inconclusive" if she doesn't take a nap, but I think she's doing well.  I made her a chart and she gets a star sticker after every nap that she wakes up dry.  She still wears pull ups to bed but she gets a sticker for waking up with a dry diaper.  That has been less successful, so I think we may pull the diapers all together soon.  Like I suspected with the nap diapers, if she's got one on, she will be much more likely to go in it than if she didn't have it on.  And in case of accidents, as I suspect there will be many at first, that's why we have a washing machine, and why I make the bed with two layers of sheets and waterproof liners.

Her Nana was going to buy her one anyway since she's bought all of her granddaughter's one, but I told her when we can be done with diapers for good, she'll get to go pick out an American Girl doll.  I showed her the website and her face lit up.  I clicked on one that looked similar to her and she says, I want that one!  I said ok, well we're going to go to the store and you can look at them all and pick which one you like.  She said that one, I want that one!  I said well they have a lot to choose from, they have babies too, and when I brought a baby up she squealed and said that one, I want that one!  The girl knows what she wants.  A store just opened by us not long ago, but it's nothing like the Chicago one.  Maybe when she is a little older we'll take a girls' trip there and she and her doll can have tea and get her hair done and pick out new clothes.  Gosh I just love having a little girl.  I'd have loved a boy as well, or if Emmy had been more of a tomboy, but the little girl in me squeals with delight that she's so girly and we have so much fun together.  

A womb with a view

I couldn't sleep one night so I was browsing facebook trending news and I came across this story about artificial wombs. Reasearchers at Children's Hospital of Philidelphia have created an artificial womb in hopes of giving preemies and micro-preemies a second shot at life if they were born too early to survive outside of mom.  Right now they are testing it on fetal lambs and it has allowed them to sustain life long enough for them to grow and develop more for the outside world.  It's basically a fluid filled bag that brings them oxygen and replicates the safe and nurturing environement of the mother's womb.

I was amazed when I read this.  I clearly remember thinking when Kayla was born, that I wish there existed some kind of bubble they could have put her in that would keep her safe and allow her to continue to grow, when my body could no longer do that for her, and here it is!  This is exactly what I had wished for then.  I'm not sure how long the baby could stay in there, I think I read that right now it's not meant to sustain life until term, but even giving the baby an extra couple weeks to develop their lungs could make huge strides in fetal demise.

The article said they are currently examining the lambs bodies (they had to be put down afterward for further testing) to make sure there isn't any kind of adverse affects on their brains and organs and they hope to begin using artificial wombs on pre-term human babies in as little as 3-5 years.  I am just blown away by this.  When I had that thought, it was in the back of my head that this could be reality some day, way way in the future, like 50-100 years from now, but to think this could come to fruition in just under five years is awesome.  It would be 7-9 years too late for our girl, but if this could save even one family from going through the heartbreak that we did, then I am so happy for this extraordinary advance in medicine.  Had this existed when I went into labor, they could have done a c-section since Kayla was breech and then zip her up in this giant ziplock and let her bake for at least a few more weeks.  Imagine being able to see your baby inside the womb, outside of you.

Of course for moms who sadly find out that their sweet babies have already passed in utero, this won't help them.  But the CDC estimates that one out of ten babies will be born prematurely.  Of course not all of that statistic are micro-preemies....many of those could be babies born at 36 weeks who are perfectly fine, or even 30-35 weeks who are relatively ok and just need some time in an isolet in NICU (not that that is any less stressful for mom and dad I'm sure).  But still, 10% of babies being born premature still means that's a lot of babies born during a time period in which this artificial womb could mean the difference between life and death.  I would have given anything for Kayla to have just at least had a chance.  For her to have a chance and the liklihood of her having any long term affects like vision or hearing problems, breathing problems, cerebral palsy, and developemental delays decreased because of the artificial womb allowing her to bake a little longer would have been absolutely amazing.

I'm sad that this couldn't benefit us, but I'm so happy and grateful that these amazing doctors and researchers could come up with something like this to save other babies.  I have no idea if incompetent cervix is hereditary or why I had it, but knowing that the artificial womb could be in use for 12 years or more by the time Emily is grown and starts her own family is a comforting thought.  My step-sister has cerebral palsy, she was born early too...my step-mom can't remember exactly how many weeks she was, but she didn't weigh much more than Kayla did, I think maybe a few more ounces (Kayla was 1 lb 1.6 ounces) so she must have been born somewhere around 22-24 weeks.  Of course that was 45 years ago, so it's actually a miracle she even survived.  But I see how she and my step-mom suffer from CP.  Imagine families in the future not having to go through that, their children not having to live that life because of this.

Reading the comment section on the article was hard though....but I did it anyway, because I am glutton for punishment.  Half the people didn't read the article and thought they were developing this so that rich people could grow their babies right from the start in an artificial womb.  Even the ones that did understand that it's for preemies to have a chance at life, many people were of the opinion that "maybe mother nature gets it right and these babies shouldn't be saved".  Ugh, I wish there was some spell you could cast on people who don't know what they are talking about so they would be physically unable to speak on the subject.

I did not go into pre-term labor because there was something wrong with Kayla, I went into labor because there was something wrong with my body.  Off the top of my head, all of the reasons why women go into pre-term labor is because their body, or something affecting their body brings on labor, such as incompetent cervix in my case, a bacterial infection, hypertension, placenta abruption, etc.  I suppose if the baby died in the womb because he had some condition like heart problems, trisomy 13 or 18, missing organs, etc. the body could go into labor, sensing that the baby has passed.  But, in that case the baby would have already passed away when labor began and could not be saved.  But I don't know how often the body does that.  I know a lot of women who had to have D&C's or D&E's after their baby passed because the body did not go into labor on its own.

So more than likely, any baby born early enough to need an artificial womb is one that could and would continue to grow and develop in his mother's womb if allowed, so the mother nature argument is ridiculous.  That's like saying the passengers aboard Titanic should not have been rescued by life boats or another ship because their ship was no longer able to keep them afloat.  But, ignorant people who have no knowledge of the subject are usually the ones that are the most opinionated about it.  If their baby was in danger of being born too early, I am sure their opinion would change.  However, what I don't get is, I am certain many of the people with these heartless opinions do have children of their own.  Why can't they think back to when they were pregnant, and think about what if they had gone into labor early and the doctor told them their baby wouldn't survive?  Would they have said oh ok, that must be the way it has to be, mother nature must know what she is doing so I am fine with my baby dying.  Ah, to be blissfully ignorant.  Must be nice.

Anyway, here is the article for anyone that hasn't read it:

http://www.philly.com/philly/health/CHOP-artificial-womb-preemies-placenta-premature-baby.html

Pre-school

Emily won't be starting pre-school until fall of 2018, but I've decided to start researching the ones in the area to see which ones we want to visit in a year when the open houses start.  Oye, I had no idea pre-school was so expensive.  We had already decided to do just one year of pre-school.  I know school and education is important, but I just feel like, once she starts school, that starts off an entire lifetime of have-tos.  Have to go to school, have to get a job, have to pay bills.  Especially with almost all kindergartens being all day now, I figure why send her off to pre-school 3 mornings a week a year before she really has to.  But now I am really glad we decided to only do one year after seeing the cost.  Yikes!

And it's not like she is getting nothing.  I am a firm believer in educating at home.  I don't understand these parents that send their kid off to kindergarten not knowing their ABC's or colors or numbers.  I get a kick out of teaching Emily stuff and watching her little brain absorb it and use things correctly.  I found an alphabet border at the dollar store so I hung it up on the inside of her closet doors so we can quiz her on the letters.  She can sing it perfectly fine (except she gets hung up on L, M, N, O, P, but what kid doesn't?) and she can point out, and recognize a lot of letters, but not all.  I'd like to find her a numbers one too, and maybe I'll make her a day of the week chart.

I know she is pretty smart for her age, she began talking pretty early and has always had a large vocabulary but I was shocked when she had her 3 year old check up last month.  So, she can solidly count to 15, she can make it to 20 but she stumbles a bit.  Like I said she knows her whole alphabet song and knows every color you throw at her.  The doctor was quizing me on what she knows and can do to make sure she is where she should be.  She asked if she can count to at least 3, if she at least knows A, B, and C and if she can identify two or more colors.  Wow.  I have to say, I am always slightly nervous for doctor appointments.  Nobody wants to find out their kid isn't performing at the level they should be.  It made me a nervous wreck that she didn't walk till she was 18 months.  But I was really blown away that those were the minimum requirements for a 3 year old and she can do so much more.  Proud mommy moment.

Today she successfully identified whether several family members are boys or girls....except she kept insisting that aunt Sasa is a boy.  Sorry Sasa, nothing personal I am sure.  Em is nuts for her Uncle Joe Joe (my brother) and she loves Sasa too (my sister-in-law in case that wasn't obvious) but for a long time when she was younger she tended to just call them both Joe Joe, and would accept whichever one responded.  Even now, she almost always calls her Sasa, but occasionally will say Joe Joe and will be talking to her, so I think that might be where some of the boy/girl confusion comes from regarding them.  But a few weeks ago she really wasn't always sure on anybody so she's come a long way.  Now watch, the whole "is so and so a boy or girl" thing will suddenly become a no no because we are "assuming one's gender".

So I think I have it narrowed down to two co-op preschools.  They are the most affordable and the closest ones.  I of course don't want to drive her all over town to go, but I am hoping if she goes to a pre-school nearby, some of her friends that she makes will also be going to the same elementary school and be in class together.  Not much chance of that if she goes to pre-school 5 miles away.  So anyway, she is getting some learning and social interaction by going to the daycare at our gym.  We went today and I just love how we can walk in, she says hi and goes and gets the toys she wants and I just say love you, see you later and she says ok bye, love you.  I am so proud of her for being so ok with me leaving her.  She can be pretty shy, and I myself often cried when my mom dropped me off for pre-school.  Lately I haven't been showering at the gym, because despite taking an almost ice cold shower and choosing the shower stall under the air vent, I am sweating again by the time I am doing my hair because it is always so hot in there.  Doesn't make sense to bother showering there when I don't leave feeling any cleaner than if I hadn't showered.  But even when I don't shower, she still gets a little over an hour to play, and I'm trying to make a real effort to go 3 days a week.  So far it's mostly only 2, and lately just 1, but I am trying.

So, I figure between working with her at home and going to the gym daycare, she should be good to just go for one year of pre-school.  So, once I swallowed the high cost, I can get on board with the co-ops but I am still floored at the cost of the non co-ops.  Yeah it does sound tempting to send her somewhere that I don't have to do a damn thing, just drop her off and pick her up.  Especially since I will be using her time at school to work and get things done.  But, I do like the idea of being involved in her school, and spending time with her there and getting to see how she interacts and stuff, getting to know her teachers and other parents.  Plus the requirements aren't THAT bad.  Volunteer in the classroom 1-2 days a month, participate in a couple fundraisers, be assigned a classroom job (I'm gunning for laundry....I don't particularily like laundry, but it's sounds like the easiest and least time consuming) and go to monthly meetings.  Not too bad.  Plus I will occasionally delegate some of that to Ryan....if we have to volunteer twice a month, I think he should do one of them.

Of course, it helps that I work from home;  I have NO idea how someone that works full time outside the home can do any of that.  I guess they have no choice but to pay the big bucks and not do co-op so they don't have to use a ton of vacation time to volunteer and spend more of their precious little free time on pre-school stuff.  Yeah Ryan sleeps during the day, but he CAN go to bed later so he could volunteer.  We are both in a pretty unique position of being available during the day to do these things.  So I guess the deciding factor between the two co-ops will just be the kind of reviews I can find, and the overall feeling I get from each open house.

So, I am sure most parents have seen those parenting memes/cartoons of the daddy duck and his baby ducks.  They are SOOO funny, I laugh out loud at them all the time.  There is this one that says "as a parent it is my job to make sure my child learns proper grammar and pronunciation of words" (or something like that) and then the baby duck holds up his foot and says, do you like my new boops and the dad says, Heck yeah I do!  That's how I feel about her "Minnie Pittow".  I want her to be well-educated and proper grammar and spelling is an obsession of mine (don't hold any typos in here against me, I try to catch any) but I love that she calls her pillow Minnie Pittow and I will be very sad the day she starts saying pillow.  Back when I first started letting her use a pillow in her crib, I bought her this butterfly shaped pillow that was smaller than a traditional one for her little head....plus it was cute.  She got a Minnie Mouse sleeping bag (she was obsessed with Minnie Mouse) and I planned to take it to our camper for her bed there, so I bought her this hot pink pillow with Minnie Mouse on it to match.

I forget how it happaned, but butterfly pillow is at the camper and Minnie Pittow came home with us and she has adored it ever since.  She does use it as a pillow, but it has also sort of become her wubbie.  She carries it around the house, she asks to take it with us in the car.  I won't let her carry it outside the car, like in a store, so I think she has a pretty healthy relationship with it as far as wubbies go. She allows me to wash it, she isn't joined at the hip with it, but it does bring her comfort.  It got taken away today though.  Lately she has been locking her car door once we get somewhere, so when I get out and go to get her out, her door is locked.  Not a biggie, I just unlock it with the fob...and I suppose if I somehow didn't have my keys, I have onstar on my phone.  But it gets annoying, and if it were raining or I was in a bad mood, her locked door isn't something I want to deal with.

So on the way to the gym today I told her not to do that anymore or she will get in trouble.  For the most part, I am very good at keeping my word.  I try very hard not to make threats that I don't plan on carrying out, and if I occasionally do, I make her earn her way out of the punishment rather than renig.  So when she did it again at the gym I said ok, I told you you're going to get in trouble, so that was your final warning.  If you do it again, I am taking Minnie pittow.  She got upset and said no, don't take it.  I said well don't make me take it.  Don't lock the door anymore and you won't have to worry about it.  Well she apparently didn't believe me, so when we got home she locked her door.  When I unlocked it I took Minnie Pittow from her.  She cried for a bit and said I want Minnie Pittow!  I said no, I told you what would happen and you did it anyway, so she is mine until your nap.

I am not brave enough to take it for the whole day because putting her down for nap would be hell without Minnie pittow, but if she does it yet again, I might have to, to get the point across.  Hopefully taking it for a couple hours today did the trick.

I felt so bad today, I was making dinner and left the sliding screen door open to take some trash out.  She saw me out on the deck and came running, saying I come I come....she must have thought the door was closed because she put her arms up like she was going to fall against the screen, and she literally just fell forward and face planted on the deck.  Poor baby.  Most people walk into sliding doors when they don't know they are closed, she falls out of one when she thinks it is closed.

Saturday we had to run a lot of errands so she didn't get a nap, and then when we got done we had to go to my brother's for dinner for his birthday.  Like I said, she is nuts about him so she played with him non-stop, and we didn't end up leaving till almost midnight.  I had no intention to stay so late, but she was having so much fun, I figured one night won't hurt.  I had her go potty and put a pull up on, but I hadn't brought PJ's because I truly did not think we would stay nearly as late as we did.  After she got her pull up on, she said no pants!  I said ok, but when we leave, you have to put pants on.  Lately she has a serious aversion to jeans, and that day she had on khaki type pants but they had an actual waistband and a button and zipper.  So, not jeans, but not comfy stretch pants either.  So finally I said come on, it's time to go and she ran into my arms crying and wailed, "I want soft pants"!!!  It was so cute but broke my heart at the same time.  I went out to the car and rummaged around, hoping by chance I had an extra pair of leggings for her but no.  Any other time half her closet is in the car, but that night, nothing.

We didn't even have her blanket we normally keep in the car.  It was like 50's out when we left, but chilly to not have pants on.  So we borrowed a blanket from them and I wrapped her up in it to carry her out.  Right when we get to the door to go out, she yells, where are my pants?!  I need to be covered up!  Lol, omg what a tool!  So Uncle Joe Joe carried her out and snuggled her to keep her warm.  So of course she fell asleep on the 25 minute drive home, but I can never get her out of her seat anymore without waking her up.  By the time we got inside and the dog was all in our faces, she was awake.  So I laid down with her and sang to her and she fell asleep.  I tried going into stealth mode to get off her bed, but she woke up, crying, begging me to stay with her.  So I stood there and sang some more, and she fell asleep again.  I tried to open the door to get out, but I banged the door a bit and she woke up again!  Ahhhh!  They need to somehow make completely silent doors for kids' bedrooms.  So I sang to her some more but finally I just had to leave and let her cry it out till she fell back to sleep.

So, no nap on Saturday and she didn't get to bed till about 1am that night.  For the first time in a very long time, we had to get up early, at 6:30 to go to one of Ryan's 5Ks.  So she only got about 5.5 hours sleep, when she normally gets 10-12.  When we got home from the race, we had about an hour before we had to leave for our niece's 8th birthday party, but we decided we had to skip it.  I hated to, her and Em love playing together and I felt bad missing her birthday, but it would mean yet another day with no nap for Em.  Yeah, she likely would have slept on the way, but sleeping in her carseat is never as good of a sleep as in her bed and it's only a 30 minute drive.  So we stayed home, I put her down for a nap....most days she naps 1.5 to 2 hours.  That day she slept for 3.5!  We also took naps because I was very tired as well.  She went to bed a bit later than usual that night, but even after napping all that time, she still went down pretty easily and fell asleep quickly.  I kept thinking we should have gone to the party, but missing even one nap turns her into a Gremlin, so no nap, two days in a row plus only 5.5 hours that night and inevitable sugar and excitement at the party.  She would have been like a Gremlin X6.  Speaking of, I had better get to bed before my inner Gremlin comes out.

Double dose

Emily apparently got a double dose of toddler today.  Whew!  It started with her doing something to get put in time-out, I forget what, and she peed on the couch.  She doesn't do it often, but she "rage pees" as I like to call it.  It's like the bodily fluids equivalent of holding your breath to get your way.  Our poor couch has been peed on so many times (haha, I guess we should reconsider where her time out spot is....perhaps a chair in the kitchen.  A wooden chair and ceramic tile is so much more conducive to cleaning up pee).

She was pretty good for the rest of the afternoon, and then I put her down for a nap.  Once she was asleep I got started on my shredding I had to do with my work files.  My filing cabinet was pretty full and I actually had time to do it today.  I was watching her on the monitor to make sure it didn't wake her up, but it never had in the past.  But then....she woke up!  Crap!  She had only been asleep for half an hour or less.  Sometimes if she wakes early like that she'll go right back to sleep, but nope.  After 5 or 10 minutes I could tell she wasn't going back to sleep, and I still had more shredding to do so I went in and got her.

She was good the rest of the afternoon, we dyed Easter eggs and she was very good about not touching the water or the glasses it was in since it was very hot water.  Then around 6, which I call Emily cranky o'clock, the terrible three's set in.  I was trying to get my office straightened up and she decided to bring all of the throw pillows in from the couch.  My office is small enough, I didn't need all this crap in there when I was trying to clean.  Then she tried grabbing the binder clip that keeps my phone charger from falling through the hole-thing in my desk.  I told her no three times and she was still trying to grab it, so I sent her to time out.  I heard her go in the living room and tell daddy, "mommy said no time out".  My husband was like um, ok.

Finally I yelled out to him that I sent her out there to go time out.  So he said to her, she did tell you to get in time out, so go.  So that kicked off a good 15 minutes of crying in time out.  Then she kept singing and talking way too loudly while we were trying to watch TV.  Oh, and earlier when I was cleaning my office, she came in to say, momma I peed.  It wasn't rage pee, but she peed on her bedroom floor.  I had just taken her to the potty not long before that, so I was annoyed that she had to go again and didn't tell us.  Most of the time she is so good, but then every once in a while I guess she gets too into what she is doing to stop and pee.

So after dinner I told her she had to pick up her toys tonight.  I know part of it is our fault because we are not consistent and don't make her clean up every night.  I just lose track of time, and before I know it we've barely finished dinner and it's already time for bed.  If I am going to get her tucked in and stories read and everything and get done in time to start working by 9 or 9:30, most nights we don't think to have her pick up her toys until it is bedtime right now, and we don't have time for the Sloth on Ambien to take an hour to pick up 10 things.  So, it doesn't get done, the living room always looks like a landfill, and she doesn't want to pick up her toys the few times we ask her to.

I tried to offer incentive....I gave her 15 minutes to get it cleaned up, and whatever time was left, she could play on my phone.  So if she got it done quickly, she'd have at least 10 minutes to play.  If she took too long, she got no time.  This has worked in the past, but tonight she wasn't having it.  She refused to even try picking them up, and kept telling me to do it.  I kept telling her she wouldn't get any time to play on my phone, and if she didn't do what I said, she wouldn't get bedtime stories either.  I felt bad about taking that away, last night we got home late from Grammy's and she hadn't had a nap, and I needed to work so I told her we were going to skip stories, and the next night not only would she get extra stories, but I would lay down with her for a while.  She always wants me to lay with her and sing to her, but most nights I can't because I have to work, so I said I would tonight since I don't work on Friday nights.

But, I just couldn't give her EXTRA stories and lay down with her like she likes, after she deliberately refused to do what she was told.  It would just feel like way too much of a reward for misbehaving.  So of course as soon as I told her to get to bed, she started crying and begged to play on my phone.  Then she asked, pick up toys?  I said no, you missed your chance.  I don't want her to think she can refuse to do what I say, and then still get the opportunity to behave and do what she is supposed to when I already told her she missed her chance and took away something good.  If I do that, she'll never do things the first time I ask her.  She did cry some when I tucked her in because of it all, but she actually took it pretty well.  Most of the time, even on a good night I'll say goodnight and she'll smile and say goodnight and I say I love you and she says I wuv you and I say sweet dreams and she tells me to have sweet dreams.  The second the door clicks closed, she starts wailing and crying.

This has been going on for about 2 or 3 months now.  I can tell when it's a serious cry and she needs something, and when she just doesn't want to go to bed.  Like when I put her down for nap, she insisted on taking her pillow case off her pillow and putting it on her legs like she was a mermaid.  I tucked her in, closed the door, and whaaaa.  But after a few minutes I could tell it was something more, so I went back in.  She decided she did not want to wear her pillow case, and wanted it back on her pillow.  But tonight, aside from a few tears when I told her no stories tonight, she did really well.  No crying or yelling once I closed the door.  I thought maybe it was because she was so tired and that she'd fall asleep quickly, but she was still awake for about an hour before she fell asleep.  Maybe she realized she deserved no stories and decided to take it easy on me tonight.  Haha, yeah right.

Tomorrow when she gets up from her nap we're going to take her to Baba's house for a sleepover.  We want to put a bathroom in the basement, and our first step is to get plumbers over to give us a quote for digging the shower, sink, and toilet lines, but the area that will be the bathroom is full of stuff.  Lately she loves coming downstairs with me to do laundry and scoop the litterbox, so I am sure she would want to be down there while we cleaned.  It's not an area I want her spending too much time in, there is stuff everywhere and I don't want her to come across something she shouldn't like a tool, or run into some furniture that's sticking out in her way.  Plus it will just be easier to clean without her underfoot.  So then we get a nice quiet evening and Baba and Grammy get the whole afternoon and night with her.  Then we'll go over there Sunday for Easter dinner.  I was a little bummed when I realized she won't be home to wake up and get her easter basket Sunday morning, but it's not as big of a deal as Christmas.  She can look for it when she gets home.  I think the easter bunny is going to hide it this year and make her play hot and cold to look for it.

So, after a few weeks of thinking about it, I've decided no on another baby.  I got all excited for a little bit at the idea of it, but in reality, there are still a million circumstances that would make another pregnancy and baby very difficult.  I know my friend loves her two boys to the moon and back, but she was very blunt with me, and said two is definitely a lot of work.  I am glad she was so honest, because most people say, yeah two is harder, but it's so fun to see them together and you get used to it and you'll be fine, just do it.  There are some days I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water with just one, plus the dog (whose like a damn baby herself) the house, work, and trying to be active and sometimes do things just for fun.  I am sure people with 3 or more kids would laugh at me, but maybe some people are just better suited with one child.  In a perfect world, another child would be nice.  But I don't NEED another child.  I needed A child.  I couldn't imagine my life without getting a tke home baby.  And I got that with Emily.  She is more than enough for me.  Is a part of me sad that I was dealt the hand I was and ended up with only one living child?  Yeah.  But there are definitely worse things than only having one sweet, precious, adorable child who gives hugs and will just randomly come up to me and say I wuv you mommy.  I'll be ok.  

Someone just decide for me!

So I was working last night, and in his downtime my husband often FB messages me from work.  So we were talking and out of the blue he says, wanna make a baby?  And I was like....

So I was like haha, no.  I said the one we have now drives us crazy enough, and he said that's why we have another, to balance it out.  I said how I wish we could, in a perfect world....and how Emily is at the age where I would have liked her to be if we had another.  I think 4 years is good because the oldest is out of diapers, if they're still in their terrible three's, you've at least had a year to grow accustomed to them.  They're old enough to be more independent so you can focus more on the baby, their old enough to hopefully understand that they're not being replaced and why mommy can't spend every second with them anymore, and they're old enough to help you with things.  My brother and I are four years apart and I always thought it was good.  He was a protective older brother, but we had our own things.  We didn't share friends, which can be good and can be bad, but in our case I think it was good.  We barely even went to school together, the last time we went to school together I was in the second grade and he was in sixth.  I'm not sure how I would have felt about him and I being in high school together at the same time, but I will say as it was, I didn't mind that he wasn't there.

We did go through a stage where I was still a kid and he was entering his teen years so he didn't have time for his pesky sister anymore, but as adults, our 4 year age gap is nothing.  Plus I think it just gives parents a chance to enjoy their kids stages one at a time.  When your oldest is 2ish, they're still such a baby themselves, and then this new baby comes along.  You often have to evict them from their crib so the new baby can use it, and it likely brings up feelings of being abandoned or replaced.  Emily will long since be out of her crib by the time another arrived.

So then I said how I am old, and so high risk and he said how he will eat whatever I eat the entire pregnancy (since I've had GD twice, and likely would again).  I asked if he was serious, and he said it's now or never.  I thought we were both sold on the never part.  We have a urologist picked out, we had planned to go ahead with the vasectomy sometime within this year.  Aside from the occasional pangs, I had been set on no more for at least a year now.  I was shocked that he was talking about this.  He told me to give it some serious thought for a few days.  So now I am back at square one.

I wouldn't have another baby just because he wants one, but as we were talking about it last night, I'll admit, I got a little excited about the idea of another baby.  I got excited about the idea of decorating a room, and picking out new baby things, and getting to use our boy or girl name that we never used and having baby snuggles again.  I woke up this morning feeling less enthused, but I have to say, I am still thinking about it and completely torn.  In some ways it would be really nice to try for another.  Just today Emily was watching the video from the balloons we released last week for Kayla's birthday, and while watching it she said, happy birthday Kayla!  It was the first time she really clearly said Kayla instead of Keya.  She is becoming much more aware of the fact that she has a sister, and that we celebrate her birthday.  It makes me so sad that her sister isn't here to play with.  I still don't think she NEEDS a living sibling.  I've said many times before that giving your child a sibling doesn't always work out.  Sometimes that sibling dies, either as a child or later in life, so the idea of having someone once your parents pass doesn't always work out.  Sometimes siblings hate each other and have no relationship later in life, so a lifelong friend isn't always a result.  So I don't think she needs a sibling, but I do think it would be nice for her to have someone else.

Right now she and I are so close, and I hope and pray we can be that mother-daughter duo that defies the odds and don't have a horrible relationship when she's a teen.  But I do sometimes worry about her being around mostly adults all the time.  I worry about the family dynamic as she gets older.  Are we going to annoy the crap out of her when she's older because we still want it to be the three of us, the "three muskateers" when she wants to go off with her friends and not hang out with mom and dad?  Are we going to fall to pieces when she moves out one day and becomes an adult?  Before we became a family of 3, I always felt like only children households were strange, because the parents kind of depend on the kid to be the buffer.  That's not to say Ryan and I won't enjoy spending time together just the two of us once she's grown, but I feel like it's too easy for parents of only children to feel like the sun rises and sets on their only child, and maybe doesn't always have the healthiest level of dependecy on them.  It's so hard to say now at her age, but that's what I always thought of when I thought about having an only child.

If we're being annoying, or when we fall from grace and we no longer know everything, and we're no longer superheros in her eyes, it would be kind of nice for her to have a sibling to talk to, relate to, to share things with....or just to rant to about what dorky parents they have and how we don't understand them.  As far as the fear of another loss goes....I don't know.  I think I could handle an early loss.  Like right this minute, the fear of another loss isn't necessarily stopping me from having another kid.  All this time I thought it was, and maybe it was for a long time, but it's been 4 years since we lost Kayla.  Maybe some of that raw grief has finally scabbed over enough.  I know a later loss would of course still be crushing, but when we lost Kayla, we lost all of our hopes and dreams.  I had no idea if it meant we would never bring home a baby, but what I did know was it took forever to get pregnant both times, we lost both pregnancies we did have, and I was in my early 30's, not knowing if I would ever get to bring a baby home.

Her loss was two fold...it was losing HER, and it was losing our hope of having a baby.  Whereas if we had another later loss, we would of course grieve for that baby, but I think I could say ok, we tried and it didn't work out.  But we're still so greatful to have Emily.  And, I guess after going through the loss that we did, it kind of showed me that if I could make it through that, I can make it through anything.  To a degree....I don't even want to imagine something happening to Emily.  But then again, I say all this now, when there is no baby and I don't know the sex and I haven't felt it kicking me and seen it's little profile on the ultrasound.  But still, I do think another loss would be ever so slightly easier now, than before.  At the very least, I would know what to expect as I would be going down a road I've already traveled.

I am still very nervous about my age, and the risks.  But, I know plenty of women who have had babies in their mid to late 30's, these days it isn't nearly as taboo or risky as it was decades ago.  Hell, decades ago it would have been a bit out of the norm to have a baby when I had Emily at 34 but now I am in good company of women who didn't start their families until their 30's.  And, younger women are not exempt from health risks, and birth defects, and multiple births, so I do realize that my age doesn't mean for certain that any of those things would happen.  I guess the main things that are holding me back now are 1) I thought we were settled on no more kids.  I had nestled into a spot of being content with just one living child, and now that idea has been turned upside down.  2) My job is an issue.  My co-worker has 4 kids, and one of them is just barely a year old, so a year ago she was dealing with work, three kids and a newborn.  It's twice as many kids as I would have, but she does only work 10 hours a week.  It's still a lot with four kids at home (not sure if any are in school or not) but at least with 10 hours, you can just do two hours a day, 5 days a week.  If one or two of her kids are in school, she can work when the others nap.  

But, working 20 hours at home is still easier than working 40 outside the home, and plenty of people do that and have more than one kid.  Emily already goes to her Nana's once a week, if I had another baby I am sure my dad would be willing to take them another day a week.  Hell, he pretty much takes Emily anytime he can when he is home and not up north, he took her twice this week.  There is the issue of my office...our only other bedroom is my office, and working from home, a dedicated office space is pretty important.  But like Ryan said, that gives us about a year to get the basement finished, and while it's not in the plans right now, I guess I could put my office down there.  I have the whole other bedroom for my office, but my actual work stuff only takes up one corner, so it wouldn't be too hard to put an office downstairs.  I would definitely need to take some time off after the baby is born, but probably not more than a few weeks to a month, since ya know, I do work from home.  But I really only work when Emily is not home, napping, or once she's gone to bed.  I guess working 20 hours a week with two kids wouldn't be THAT different from working 20 hours with one kid.  It would just mean trying to sync up their naps, and working after they're both in bed.  Emily slept very nicely in the evening in my mini snoogle on the couch while I watched TV.  If this baby were a decent sleeper, I guess I could always just have her in a swing in the early months, swinging away in my office with me, sleeping while I work.

I do worry about the chaos level.  My friends that have two kids, it seems like they're just playing referee all day long.  When their not yelling at this one, the other one is getting into trouble.  I just think of the Grinch talking about how much noise noise noise noise there will be.  But, I had that same fear before Emily was born.  When it was just the two of us, everything was quiet.  I would often be upstairs in the evening, either watching TV or reading and everything was quiet, I usually had a cat on my lap.  We could come and go as we pleased....we would go out to eat when we wanted, go to the movies when we wanted.  I worried that our carefree life would be wildly different once Em came.  But, for the most part, not much changed.  She was such a good baby, she was like a potted plant, we could take her anywhere and she barely made a peep.  Our evenings we're often still quiet as she slept soundly next to me on the couch, and then in her crib once I took her in there for the night.  

We still go pretty much whereever we want, Emily is still really good out in public, we go to the movies when she is at Nana's on wednesdays, or someone watches her for the night while we go out for a date night.  Even when the house is crazy and noisy, the dog is running around, I am tripping over toys and Emily is screeching and stomping....it's our new normal.  It feels like it has always been this way.  I can't imagine life being just the two of us anymore, so I am probably being silly about how much crazier the house would be with another kid.  I mean, we're talking about just one more, not 5 more.  Hopefully one more anyway, the idea of twins scaaaares me.  I used to freak out about the idea of going places by myself with two, but Emily is so good, she is not a runner at all.  She stays by my side, and often wants to hold my hand, so at least I wouldn't have to deal with getting the baby out of the car and then worrying about where Emily is running off to.

I do get excited a little when I think of another baby....thinking about maybe we would get a boy this time.  Honestly it doesn't matter.  A boy would be cool and different.  But another girl would be a-ok by me.  We already have all girl stuff, and for Emily to have a little sister that she could play with would be so precious.  I guess if I was leaning one way a little more, I would absolutely love another girl.  But I am sure part of that is just due to being a girl mom; the idea of having a boy seems so foreign and unfamiliar.  I know we never got to parent Kayla, but from the moment we found out she was a girl, I thought about girl stuff, we did her registry with cute little girl nursery items and pink clothes, and in my heart, I don't have a living daughter and one in heaven, I have two daughters.  So the idea of switching over to team blue is a little frightening, but I certainly wouldn't be upset if we had a boy.  I am sure it's the same for boy moms, they maybe can't imagine having a girl.

I do worry about my weight....I've been doing pretty good lately, sticking to healthy eating.  I've only lost 5 pounds so far, but it's something.  You cannot lose 10 or 20 or 30 without losing that first 5.  So I fear a pregnancy would once again stall that out.  Because of my GD diet, and throwing up so much, I was at a 10lb deficit almost my entire pregnancy with Emily.  The last month I gained that 10 back, so the day I delivered I was the same weight I was when I got pregnant.  But I highly doubt they would be ok with me losing a large amount of weight, like 20+ pounds when pregnant.  

But...after I had Emily, I lost 30 pounds that first two weeks post partum.  Between pumping and just not really eating, the weight fell off...but once I started eating again more regularly, the weight quickly came back because I wasn't eating healthy.  But if we did have another, and that drastic weightloss happaned again, I could try to use that as a head start to keep it going.  Knowing what to expect this time, I could make sure I have plenty of healthy snacks in the house, maybe make a bunch of freezer meals that last month so I can make easy dinners in the beginning.  And, if we did try again, who knows how long it could take.  It could take a while and I can continue to work towards losing more weight in the meantime.  

I don't know, breaking down all of my worries and reasons for not having another does make it seem a lot less scary.  And no matter what, once another baby is here, I would never regret having him or her.  Despite Emily being a very good kid, there are days where she is very very very bad.  But even on those days I have never once thought man, I so wish I hadn't had kids.  No, I just look forward to bedtime, and hope tomorrow is better.  There are no amount of tantrums that a simple, I love you mommy, cannot fix.  When I hear her little voice, and she says sweet stuff like that, or comes running into my arms crying because she has a boo boo, there is just nothing like it.  

I am on the second week of this pill pack.  Maybe I will finish this pack, and then see where we're at.  Maybe we could try till the end of the year, and if it happens, cool, but if not, then that's cool too.  We'll see.  

Birthdays in Heaven

Today (the 24th, it's after midnight) would have been my angel's 4th birthday.  It was a beautiful day, unseasonably warm (a little too warm, almost 80) and sunny.  Very strange for March, especially since last Saturday Ryan spent a long time shoveling snow before Emmy's party.

Emily and I went out on a little afternoon date while daddy was sleeping.  We had lunch at McDonalds and then we went to Meijer.  I know, fun right?  But any time spent with her is fun, especially when it's just us girls.  I usually do my shopping at Target, but I had a crapload of cans to return (because I am lazy and get my groceries delivered, so the cans tend to stack up) so I returned them and then got some money off our purchases.

I got sidetracked in the wall art section.  I LOVE wall art.  I seriously have run out of walls in my house to hang stuff.  I love quotes, pictures, pictures with quotes, you name it.  If it hangs on the wall, or sits on a shelf and does absolutely nothing, I want to give my money to someone for it.  It's an obsession.  I found this adorable light up "box" I guess you would call it, I think it sits on a shelf, and it says Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on one side and something else on the other but I forget what.  It would make a very nice nightlight for Em.  She already has two (three if you count the Frozen nightlight that is currently out of batteries) but it's so cute, and she loves that song.  A few months ago she didn't know the words so she would sing "Tingo star, how me do".

But alas, I didn't get it.  Maybe some day when I have money I don't know what to do with I'll go get it.  While I was there I decided to check my blood pressure at the little self service thingie they have.  Yes, I.am.officially.old.  How do you know you're old?  When you start complaining about the damp weather, and you take your (free) blood pressure at Meijers (and add an S to names like Meijer).  My BP is normally very good, but I am currently on a med that can raise it, so I wanted to check.  Today it was high.  I am not sure if it contributes at all, but since it was warm I was sweaty and kind of running around doing errands...I can't seem to do anything at a leisurely pace.  I always feel like I am rushing, even when I don't have to, and it's the first day of my period, I thought maybe it could have contributed to the high reading.  I don't know.

But since I am on this med and should check it fairly often, Ryan suggested we just buy an at-home one.  And cause ya know, we're old.  So we did, thank you Amazon, $29.99, it'll be here Sunday.  Oh, and I also had a low blood sugar episode earlier.  I've been having them more and more often, but according to my latest blood tests, I am still just pre-diabetic.  But I see my endocrinologist in a couple weeks so I want to be re-tested.  It sounds messed up, but in some ways I wish I would just get it already so I can properly treat it.  Mentally, I don't think I can take as good of care of myself if I am just pre, but if I get the official diagnosis, then I will get serious.  I was very good about it when I had it in pregnancy.

I just looked it up because I am not real sure what different readings mean, but it says you should consider yourself to be having a hypoglycemic episode if your bloodsugar is 80 mg/dl or lower, or it's 90 or lower AND you're having symptoms.  I didn't test my BS today because we were on the way out the door, but I did the other day when I felt it and it was 80.  So, 80 plus symptoms is probably not good.  So today I grabbed an orange juice on the way out the door and sipped it on the way to lunch, which made me feel instantly better, but not great.  Lunch helped a lot, but for the next few hours I still felt a little off (yeah ok, McDonalds isn't the best choice I know).  When I checked my BP it said my heart rate was 114, which is way higher than it should be for just walking around a store.

Anyway, that's my little Meijer story.  I'm anxious to check my BP again on Sunday when I am not having a hypoglycemic episode.  Once we got home we got ready to go to the cemetery.  We stopped and got some balloons and took Kayla her stuffed animal we got her and a card.  We originally had gotten her one of those small stuffed animals with the huge eyes, but Emily saw it in Kayla's stocking at Christmas and said kitty? in just the cutest voice ever, so I let her play with it but I told her it was Kayla's and she could take care of it until spring.  Well of course she fell in love with it.  Today she asked if we were taking it, and I said no, and she kind of objected, but I noticed she didn't say anything about it when I put the stuffed rabbit at her grave that I picked up at the store the other day.  Lesson learned, don't let Emmy have the stuffed animal we buy for Kayla until we have retired it in the fall.

Their Nana and Papa had been out a few days prior and left a huge pinwheel.  The thing is enormous, I love it.  It's taller than Em.  So we put the stuffed animal and card out, and then we walked out into the clearing to release the balloons.  Emmy kept saying, happy birthday Keya.  It was so cute and sad all at once.  We had a fourth one in case we lost or broke one, so we were going to tie it to the pinwheel but decided it would get all caught up in it, so Ryan took Emmy back out to the clearing to release that one too.  The breeze must have been lower at that point because they released it, it skimmed through the sky much much lower than the others, got caught in the tree and then we heard, pop!  Oops, luckily Em didn't notice.  After that we went to dinner, but had to cut it short because Emily didn't have a nap and was melting down.  So we packed up the food and went home.

It was a nice day.  I didn't really cry.  I got a little choked up picking which quote to put on facebook along with my happy birthday message.  I went a bit kooky this year.  I usually say something short and simple, like happy birthday to our angel in Heaven.  But being that it has been 4 years, and we have Emily, I always worry she will begin to be forgotten as time goes on....or people will think we're "over it" because we have Emmy.  So I wanted people to know that we DO have 2 daughters, and that she is very missed, and while Em certainly did brighten our lives and help lift us out of our grieve, she does not in any way replace Kayla, or mean we are over it and we're fine.  I want people to know that I think of her EVERY SINGLE DAY, and that I miss her and love her, just like other people love all of their living children individually and seperate from all of their other children.  It got a lot of likes, and a few nice comments, so I am happy.  I'm happy I said it, and so now people know.  And if they don't, then that's their issue.

Last night it wasn't until 10pm that I realized today was the only day to remember.  In past years I relived the night before, thinking about where we were at one time, thinking about what time we headed for the hospital, thinking about when we got the news.  So I would say it's probably progress that I didn't even think about that stuff until 10pm.  I thought about it off and on through out the night, but I didn't dwell on it like most years.  I didn't wake up with a heavy chest.  The anniversaries are getting easier.

I do miss her though, and I wonder who she would have been.  I imagine her and Emily playing together.  If she were alive, we would be researching pre-schools to send her to in the fall, and freaking out over it being the last year before she starts kindergarten.  Ryan and I differ in our beliefs.  He has more spiritual beliefs, thinking that a person's soul is meant to be born and will be born, no matter when or where.  For example, I say that had Kayla lived, Emily would not be here.  Because had she been born when she was and survived, there is no way I would have been ready or even remotely thinking about getting pregnant again any time soon.  Born at 22 weeks, she likely wouldn't even have been released from NICU until very close to her due date of July 26th, and I found out I was pregnant with Emily on July 4th.

I don't think anyone goes through this horribly scary experience of having a 22 weeker in the NICU and just when you bring them home think, now is a good time to get pregnant again.  And if she hadn't been born until her due date, then I of course could not and would not have been pregnant with another baby three weeks before Kayla was due.  I believe in the very science of it all.  If we had had sex at any other time, even an hour earlier or before, it would have been a different sperm, it would not have been Emily.  Where as I think Ryan believes that Emily's soul was destined to be born to us, so had we not gotten pregnant with her when we did, if Kayla had survived and we decided to have another baby in day two years, he believes that we would have then still gotten pregnant with Emily.

It's a nice thought, and I am spiritual and religious when it comes to many things.  But that is not one of them.  I believe that each sperm and each egg combines to make a different person each time.  So, while I personally believe that Kayla and Emily could never be alive together, at the same time, it's still a nice thought to think of them together, and to yearn to have both of my girls together at once.  Being here without Kayla sucks, but the idea of dying anytime soon and seeing her again, would mean leaving Emily.  It's like a bad suspense movie where some unknown force says you can have either one of your daughters, but you cannot have them both at the same time.

So, that was our day.  Happy Birthday Kayla.  Mommy loves you so much!  

The big 3

Today is my baby doll's birthday, she turned 3 today.  It is incomprehensible how quickly the time goes by.  Literally just yesterday we were meeting her in the hospital, and now she is a little person with ideas, and a sense of humor, and likes and dislikes, opinons, sass, and sweetness.  I'm amazed every day how much love I feel for this little girl.  She is the light of my life.

Most days I am ok, but more often than I would like, I get scared.  I love her so much and the idea of something happening to her just scares the ever-living crap out of me.  Lately at night I have been laying down with her for a bit after reading stories and I sing to her, or we sing together.  I study her face, I see the light in her eyes, and never will I get enough hugs and kisses.  And the fear of that ever going away just frightens me to the core.  Motherhood is so amazing, I would never ever trade it for the world, but sometimes it is just so damn scary to love another being as much as I love her.  I don't know if it's because we lost our first, or because I've experienced quite a bit of loss in my life, or if it is just regular parent worries that I would feel no matter what, but sometimes I feel like I am already in pain and grieving her loss, even when she is right in front of me, talking and laughing and smiling.  The anxiety of losing her sometimes seems just as bad as if I were to lose her.

But, this is a happy post, so I will quit dwelling on the what ifs, and just talk about the fantastic weekend we had.  We started her birthday bash with a trip to the aquarium on Friday.  We took her there on her first birthday too, but let's be honest, that was more for me.  I love aquariums and it had just opened, and Michigan kind of has a shortage of aquariums, so I used her first birthday as an excuse to go.  She was too little last time.  I am sure she didn't hate it, but she didn't really know what we were doing or why we were there.  This time she loved it.  We decided to go on Friday since we figured it would be less busy than today, and it was.  There was usually only one or two other families around us, and sometimes none at all so it was a very nice visit, we could take our time at each exhibit and she loved looking at all the different fish.  I also love that she is amazed with sharks just like I am.  I'm hoping that can be an interest and passion that we both share...but hopefully she won't be as scared of them as I am.  I'm talking, "can freak myself out if I am alone in a pool" scared.

Once we got through, she tried to play on the equipment at the end.  It's like the playground at McDonald's, it's got theses big "steps" that you have to climb up and it's all enclosed in netting and there are catwalks and a slide.  But just like at McDonalds, the steps get further apart the higher you go, so both places she could only get to the third step.  She could have made it up that if she really tried, but if the next step was even bigger as I suspect it was, she would have been stopped there anyway.  I suspect it is to weed out the kids that might be too little or scared to do what they need to do, so that kids that are too little can't go very high, and so that the scared/too small ones can't get to the very top and then be too scared to get down.

So then we went to the gift shop and she picked out a Destiny stuffie from Finding Dory.  When we went to the aqaurium in Vegas when I was pregnant with her, we still hadn't decided on a nursery theme yet and while in the gift shop I suggested an under the sea theme, which Ryan loved at first, but he said he wanted it to be realistic, not cutesy with pink crabs and purple sharks.  I thought realistic for a baby's room was weird, so we nixed it.  But as it turns out, it would have been the perfect theme for her, the girl is nuts about fish (but I still would have wanted the cutesy version).  Last time after the aquarium we had lunch at The Rainforest Cafe, but Ryan really wanted to try Joe's Crab Shack, and there aren't any around us.  It turned out to be a good choice...good food, and there was a huge shark hanging from the ceiling, and they brought a little toy shark with the food.  He is supposed to go on a drink called the shark bite, but the waiter said it's a really strong drink, and I really didn't want to get drunk or tipsy so I passed on it, but he brought me a shark anyway, which now belongs to Em apparently, lol.

We got home in late afternoon, and then just relaxed for a bit until it was time to leave for my dad's for dinner; he made corned beef and cabbage for St. Patty's day.  I hate St. Patty's day....even back when we went to the bar often, I hated it.  The bar's are too crowded with stupid drunks, places charge cover, and I'm sorry but green beer just looks nasty.  Ryan used to drag me out for St. Patty's when we were younger and first dating.  Thank God we're getting too old for that, and even when he has insisted we go out, the last 5 years we've been going to places that are also restaurants, just to drink and have corned beef.  So spending the evening with all my family was the perfect way to celebrate.

In fact, I hate St. Patty's so much, that's why I specifically chose March 18th to be induced because I didn't want to risk Emily being born on St. Patty's.  Turns out that wouldn't have been a problem since she didn't come that first day anyway, but still.  However, Friday was also our dog's biurthday.  Or at least it's the day I picked, because it was roughly 9 weeks back from when we got her, and it's an easy day to remember.  I can remember my kids' birthdays, but for pets I need an easy day to remember.  She's 2 now, so becoming a calmer dog more and more.  She still goes nuts, but for as high energy as she is, she also does sleep A LOT....which is why she has so much energy I guess.  She's like a cheetah, she has short, but super energized bursts, then she has to sleep for hours.  Lately I've been letting her come to bed with me (I know, I never thought I would let a dog in my bed) and she sleeps the entire night with me.  Doesn't get up until I do in the morning.  So, Happy Birthday Nalah!

We got home way too late on Friday.  I still had a lot to do around the house for her party, but she needed a bath and I figured it would be easier to take one at Baba's, than to take one once we were home and possibly having fallen asleep on the way.  So we didn't get home until after 11.  So I put her down, and got to work on her cake pops.  Her party theme was little mermaid, so I made these adorable cake pops with dinglehoppers (forks) stuck in them.  So first I had to make the cake pops, then dip the forks in the melted white chocolate and stick them in.  Then they had to freeze for 10 minutes, then I could dip the whole thing in to coat, and then I had to decorate them.  But once the chocolate hardened it was hard to make the decorations stick unless I used more chocolate as glue, so I'd have to stop every third one or so and decorate them before they hardened, which was little chocolate seashells and tiny sugar pearls.  So yeah, very painstaking to decorate them all.  Thankfully I had molded the seashells a few days before.  That was a pain too.  I had  planned on just adding food coloring to the liquid chocolate and then pouring them into the molds.  But apparently, the second you add food coloring to the chocolate, it turns into a big sticky ball.  Microwaving it some more didn't help either.

So then I tried pouring some food coloring into the molds and then putting the chocolate in, that was a disaster, and I tried "painting" the food coloring on afterward, but it looked like when you try to paint laminate with water colors.  I had a bottle of color mist in silver to coat the whole cake pop afterward to make them look pearl-esque, so I tried spraying that on the chocolate shells and voila, it colored them nicely.  So I sent Ryan pictures of what I needed and he stopped at the store on his way home from work the next day to get some blue and purple spray so I successfully had a bunch of blue and purple seashells and sand dollars.  So once I finally got all the cake pops decorated, I sprayed them all with the silver mist, which looked gorgeous but I swear that shit will give me cancer.  I always felt a bit sick and lighheaded after spraying it.  Here party guests, have some cancer on a stick!

The only plus side to our power being out for a few days last week and having to toss almost everything in our fridge and freezer, is that we now had room for all the cake pops.  I figured I needed about 45, and the one box of cake mix made about 75.  So for future cake pop makers, one box of mix is more than enough (if you want less than 75).  I bought three boxes, so I guess I'll have to make cakes in the next year.  So it was now 4:30 in the morning and I was exhausted.  My once clean kitchen that I spent several hours the day before cleaning, was now a mess, I still had other things to do and I needed to sleep.  So I went to bed until 9.  When I went into get Em, she was crying and wanted me to lay down with her.  So I did, and I swear I thought it was 15 minutes, but we must have fallen back to sleep because it was now 10.  I had a ton to do, still had to shower and our guests would be here at 1.  So I ran around the house like a nut, cleaning up the cake pop stuff, cleaning the bathroom, dusting the living room furniture, mopping floors, and vacumming.  Just once I would love to successfully get a little done each day, and just be able to take my time the day of.  I even had a schedule of things to get done each day, and I thought I stuck to it pretty well and hadn't left much to do on Saturday, but apparently I was wrong.

I didn't get out of the shower until 20 to 1, Emily was still in her pj's and I had no idea what to wear.  I would have liked to have done my hair and make up, but I went bare faced and had my wet hair up in a bun.  Oh well.  I was literally getting Emmy dressed as my friend and her boys arrived, and then I had to french braid her pigtails.  I was amazed, she normally doesn't like having her hair done, and as guests were arriving, she actually sat very nicely and let me do it, and it looked so cute.  I got her a sleeveless black dress, with a tulle skirt that said #Princess on the front.

The party was good, we served mac and cheese and hot dogs, and my MIL brought salad.  The food was simple, but it was still a lot of work to make 6 boxes of mac and cheese (we had way too much, but too much is better than not enough) and I also put chili in the crock pot for the hot dogs while Ryan grilled.  Once people had got some food, I made a plate and sat down.  It was like heaven.  I had been on my feet all morning and I hadn't eaten anything yet that day, so my hot dog and mac and cheese tasted like filet mignon.  She got a lot of nice presents; a few Pete the cat books, the Pete game, and Pete the cat and his groovy buttons puppet.  A toy cash register, some clothes, a troll coloring book and puzzle, a my little pony doll, and a black and decker tool bench.  I actually want to play with them all.

The cake pops were a success.  I was amazed that they turned out nice looking AND they even tasted good.  The silver plastic forks were a hit with all the kids.  We had ice cream too.  Last year I bought ice cream but forgot to serve it with the cupcakes....so proud that I remembered this year, but later that night realized I forgot to put out the chips I had bought.  Oye!

The party was so great, and I was so happy to just relax and be lazy that evening.  Emily was having fun playing with her new toys and I somehow had enough energy to get the dishes in the dishwasher and clean up from the party.  The living room got a little nuts today, but it shouldn't take much to get it back in order tomorrow.  After everything we host, I am always determined to keep the house clean and clutter-free after being clean for company.  I will succeed this time....I hope.

Last night I went in and took my usual picture of her, in her last hours as a 2 year old.  I was a little hung up on the fact that I forgot and didn't take the pic till 2 am, so it was technically already her birthday.  But she wasn't born until 12 hours later, so I'll give myself a pass (yes I know I am nuts).  Before I went to bed, I put streamers across her door from the outside and then tucked balloons between the door and streamers.  I saw it on facebook and thought it was cute.  When the door is opened, the birthday girl or boy is bombarded with balloons falling into their room.  It didn't work so well though.  Even though she is capable of opening her door, she will never just get up.  She always waits in bed for us to come get her.  So we kept saying Em, come out here and see the surprise we have for you.  She just kept yelling no and crying and screaming.  So finally we just opened the door and punched the balloons in.  Instantly her face lit up and she yelled, balloons!  Ugh, party pooper.

So then we had her open her presents from us.  We gave her one the day before, her first bike.  I was itching to let her have a present, and if it was nice enough the day of the party I figured the kids could go outside and she could ride her bike, but it was too cold.  But at least she got to show it off to everyone.  She's been "riding it" around the house....i.e. strattling it and walking.  It's a balance bike, so it's meant to be propelled with her feet so the kids learn how to balance before moving on to a bike with pedals....apparently we've all been doing it wrong all these years and it works better to learn how to balance and then learn how to peddle.  I remember learning to ride my bike was a big task for me, and even ended up in the ER when I turned and fell off my bike with training wheels.  I split my chin open and needed 4 stitches.  So if a balance bike will teach her more smoothly and faster, I am all for it.  And it's soooo tiny and cute!

So today her presents were a Melissa & Doug roll of paper for her to draw on, a bigger kid puzzle (she long ago mastered all of her baby puzzles), two books, a My little pony flashlight, and  Belle and Ariel figurines.  I think that's it.  And we ate a bunch of cake pops all day.  Today was a nice and relaxing day.  I was so glad we celebrated Friday and Saturday and could just chill today.  I made sure to notice when it was 2:20pm so I could tell her that at that exact time 3 years ago was when she came into the world.  She surely didn't really understand, but I will have fun telling that story every year and annoy her, just like my mom always did on my birthday.  My mom would always say, this time X amount of years ago, I didn't even know you yet.  I would always roll my eyes and say yeah yeah mom, you say that every year.  Now there is nothing I wouldn't give to hear her say that again.

It's funny, before I had kids, I always thought my birthday was just a great day for me.  I never realized how special of a day it is for your parents too.  I look forward to her birthday, remembering and celebrating the day she came into this world and made me her mommy, the day my life began.  I look forward to seeing her smile and have fun, and make her birthdays special.  It's crazy how much you just cannot understand or even think of until you have kids of your own.  Her birthdays pain me a little.  She's growing up way too fast.  She's still got another two and a half years till kindergarten, but man, they'll go just as fast or faster than these past three years have gone.  Every year I make a picture montage set to music of all her pictures from her last birthday to this one.  This one's was set to You are my sunshine, which is one of the songs she asks me to sing every night.  It's crazy to see how baby-like she still looked just a year, and even just 6 months ago.  Now she looks so grown up, and is so independent and talks so much.  She's also grown 3.5 inches and gained almost 5 pounds in the last year.  I am torn between wanting to keep her my little baby forever, and watching her grow and turn into a beautiful young lady who I hope succeeds in everything she sets her mind to.  Parenting is so hard, but so rewarding.  I love her so so so much.  Happy birthday baby girl!