12. LEMONS + LEMONADE | Have you made anything positive come from this unimaginable loss? Did you find any blessings among all the sadness and sorrow?
This is a really tough one, because in many deaths, you can find some silver lining, and you can find something that puts you at peace with it sometimes. In the case of when my mom died, it had been two years since I had spoken to my best friend. We had had a falling out, not really over anything bad between us, but her boyfriend at the time was very controlling and abusive. He made it his job to do everything he could to make our friendship difficult because without the support of her best friend, it was unlikely she would stand up to him or leave him. The final straw was when she and I got an apartment together (our first time moving out of our parents' homes). She wasn't really ready to move out, and with him making things so hard all the time, she ended up moving back home and our friendship died.
I suppose some would say good riddance if she chose an abusive boyfriend over a true friend, but honestly, I think it is all just proof of how much we meant to one another. After not being ready to be on her own, when I was and so excited by it, I think she felt she had let me down. Her boyfriend was also such a jerk to me, and was a jerk to her because of me...she knew I would always be there for her, but she let his threats scare her into doing whatever he said because she knew he probably wouldn't be there for her if she chose me. Maybe she didn't know it at the time, but I feel by her bowing out of our friendship at that time, it saved us in the long run, because had we stayed friends, I think it was a possibility that he would have done so much damage that our friendship would have slowly declined to the point where it was irreparable. I was never mad at her. I was sad, and dissapointed that things didn't work out like we envisioned them, and I missed my friend like crazy, but I never ever felt any ill will toward her.
Two years later when my mom died, I expressed to my ex-boyfriend how I wish I could call and tell her because I didn't want her to find out through the church our families occasionally attended. But I was too scared to call her, after all that time, and about such an emotionally difficult subject. So he offered to call her for me and tell her. I didn't really have any expectations, I didn't not want to be friends again, but my main objective was for her to know. After he called her, she called me that night and we talked for hours. She came to the visitation and the funeral, and the minute she walked in she gave me a hug that neither one of us pulled away from for several minutes. Our friendship was rekindled from that moment on and it has never been stronger. Last month we celebrated our 25th year of being friends. I like to think that even if my mom hadn't died, we would have found our way back to each other. But what if we hadn't? I missed her so much, and to have her back in a time when I needed her the most was a blessing.
The same can be said of my grandparents. My grandma was always the healthy one, barely ever went to the doctor, didn't have any long term illnesses and she was sharp as a tack. My grandpa had had everything imaginable happen to him; heart attacks, diabetes, had to have EMS called for low sugar many times and was once very close to slipping into a diabetic coma. He even had, and overcame West Nile! So when he was in the hospital for a few months, his longest stint yet, and wasn't getting much better, we were all beyond shocked when we got the news that my grandma had died.
I was so sad, mad, angry....not that I wanted my grandpa to die, but he would finally be out of the pain he had been in for many years. When my mom died, my grandpa was gutted. Not that my grandma wasn't devastated, but my grandpa wore his heart on his sleeve. She was his little girl, and he had to bury her. His physical pain aside, we knew his death would also mean his emotional pain would be over, and he'd be able to see his daughter again. We had been emotionally preparing for his death for a long time, especially then while he had been in the hospital for so long. I knew that if for some crazy reason my grandma were to die before him, it would just be a matter of time before he followed. But we were certain that if he went first, she could probably go on to live at least 5-10 more good years. She was my best friend, and I was devastated when she died. She seemed so healthy, so mentally present. She was 83, which I know is a good long life, but I really saw her living until at least her 90th, and surely not to go as quickly and as unexpected as she went.
As we suspected, my grandpa followed her into the afterlife exactly 23 days later, but mentally he died the same day. He was never the same after she died. He went from a sick, but lucid, emotional (both happy and sad, depending on his mood) man, to just a shell of who he used to be, refusing to eat, sleeping all day and just sitting in his wheelchair out in the hall of the nursing home he was now at. He had deteriorated so much that my brother walked right past him in the hallway going to visit him. He didn't even look like himself. The day my grandpa was told of his wife's death, he later asked his daughter-in-law if she was Ann, and if she was there to take him home.
They thought he was confused, mistaking her for his wife, wanting to go home. But I don't think that was what he meant. I think he thought she was my grandma (or maybe he saw her spirit???) and was asking if she was there to take him home to Heaven. When his body finally caught up with his heart and he passed away, it all made sense to me. My grandparents were that couple that still acted like they were twenty year old newlyweds. They were just a few months shy of their 65th wedding anniversary, they still held hands, and he called her his little momma. When he was first put in the hospital he was so sad to be there without my grandma. She came to visit every day, but that wasn't enough for him. One day I took her to see him, and he was laying in his hospital bed, his whole body shaking because he was crying so hard.
My grandpa had had so many health issues through out his life, we joked that he was a cat with 9 lives, because any one of his ailments could have, and should have killed him. It's like he should have died many times over before he finally did. And I truly believe he held on all those times, because he would never leave my grandma. It's like she knew he wouldn't go without her, so she had to go first, to make it ok for him to finally let go. When I thought of that, my heart was at peace. I miss them both terribly, but thinking her sudden death was meant to be, and they are together and happy, with my mom in Heaven, just made my grief that much easier to deal with.
So, I got off on a little tangent. As I've said, there are no instances that make Kayla's death better, like she was spared from some kind of suffering, and it's not like her dying put her out of any pain or anything like that. Being a loss mom is very hard. I didn't spend all day every day of my pregnancy with Emily in fear, but I was afraid every single day. Even for the first several months of her life, I was terrified all the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something horrible to happen. I still worry about her of course, I'm her mom, it's my job. But my worry and anxiety when she was a newborn was off the charts. But, being a loss mom makes you that more appreciative of the good times with your rainbow.
Sure Emily drives me insane, she tests my patience, she misbehaves, she makes messes. Every kid does. Today I yelled at her so loudly for something she did, I saw her jerk with surprise. She's in the middle of her terrible two's, on her way to the terrible three's, of course some days she is a monster. But I love that little monster with all of my being, and there is not one single day that I don't think about how lucky I am to have her. Not one day goes by that I don't hug her tightly, and thank my lucky stars for her. Never having had a child when I wasn't a loss mom, I don't know how other parents feel. I know they love and adore their children, but I suspect many parents can and do get lost in the daily grind. For people who never had to face the dissapointment of month after month of negative pregnancy tests, or that moment of sheer panic when there is blood in the toilet, or have to give birth to their baby, knowing she likely would not be born alive, and if she was, it was almost impossible that she would live for anything more than days or even minutes, I think it is very possible and normal to take your kids for granted.
They're not bad parents for doing so, not at all. They're busy with work, housework, school, their kids school, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, their marriage, and themselves that I can see how easy it would be for days here and there to seem to be nothing but chaos. And maybe I am wrong, maybe all good parents appreciate their kids on a daily basis, but I just know ho stressed I can get with just one kid, and I don't think it would be hard at all to take them for granted on occasion. But my experience has given me the gift (for lack of a better word) of knowing that life is short, and it can all be gone in an instant. Emily is a good kid, but she has her moments, and she has them every single day. Some days it seems the whole day is filled with those moments. But I am thankful that I know how lucky I am to have her, and I am thankful for every moment I can hug her, and kiss her, and look into her beautiful eyes.
The other blessings that I feel, is just the privilege to have known, and gotten to be Kayla's mom. The love I felt for her, the fierce feeling of being willing to protect her from anything humanly possible was so shocking to me. I had always wanted children, but when the time came, I was scared. Not scared enough to not do it, but I always wondered, am I ready for this? Will I like being a mother? Will I want her around ALL THE TIME? I didn't get that chance, but the answer is yes. I love being a mother, and I wish she was still here. The love I felt for this tiny little thing that I had carried inside me for 22 weeks was like a love I had never known. Despite all the pain and the sadness and my broken heart, I would go through it all over again just to hold her again and look at her face for those 12 hours. I've never ever regretted it, she made me a mother and despite everything, that is a blessing. She also gave me Emily. If Kayla had lived, Emily wouldn't be here. I hate to think that, and I would never ever say I am glad Kayla didn't live. But I also cannot imagine not knowing this funny, sweet, determined, smart, caring child.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Capture your grief, day 11
11. CREATIVE HEARTWORK | Have you done anything special to memorialize your child? Maybe you got a tattoo or commissioned a piece of art to be created. Maybe you have a special piece of jewelry to remember them by or created a garden.
We've done a bunch of things. The first thing we did, just a few days after she passed was go make appointments to get tattoos done. It was my third, and my husband's first. He kept talking about getting one but he didn't know of what, and I kind of joked with him, "Babe, there are certain things that if you haven't done them by age 30, you shouldn't do them". So I was happy he was able to get a very special tattoo for his first, and one that he will never ever regret having.
Here is mine, I got her actual footprint (to scale) and her name and date. I now kind of wish I had gotten it on the top of my foot, but oh well. It's on my inner left ankle.
Here is Ryan's, it's on his lower right arm. I think it is absolutely gorgeous, and while I do love having her footprint on me, I am a bit jealous of his tattoo, it's so beautiful.
After planning for 3 years to do this, we finally got Kayla's garden planted. But, we had a really hot summer this year and our watering schedule just couldn't keep up with the affects of the sun. And on top of that, I let the weeds get out of control, because it was so damn hot out, I just couldn't bring myself to go out and take care of them. I'm very sad that we let this happen, but we'll plant a new garden in the spring and make sure it's taken care of. But here it is the day we finished it.
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So I just wanted to write real quick about a few things. Emily didn't nap today, and boy was she a little hellion toward bed time. But the reason she didn't nap was kind of funny. She had a tantrum about something earlier in the day, so I put her in time out, which is in the corner of the couch. Sometimes she will sit quietly in time out and watch TV, like she must have done today. I got busy with my phone and was enjoying the silence, when I finally looked up after a while and saw that she had fallen asleep. I'm not sure how long she was sitting there, my guess is 20-30 minutes. Poor baby, mommy made her sit in time out so long she fell asleep!
Tonight I cleaned out her closet to make room for fall clothes, but I decided to go a step further and cleaned out her old coats, hats, dresses, pajamas, pants, shoes, and shorts. I normally pack them away in a tote, but I don't have any empty totes at the moment, and our storage in the basement is getting pretty full. I already have a pack n play I want to sell at the resale shop, so I figured why not see how much of the clothes they'll take as well. I ended up with four large bags and one small bag (shoes). I think most of them are very clean and cute, so I am hoping they take almost all of it. There are only a few pieces that have small stains I just couldn't get out. That would be awesome if I get a decent chunk of change to buy her fall wardrobe with.
Packing up these clothes was surprisingly easy. I think because they are obviously her bigger clothes, and they just went straight from closet to bags. I am used to seeing all these clothes in her closet, so it's not like I sat there, going through totes of clothes I hadn't seen in months or years, especially teeny weeny clothes that make me sad that my baby is growing up too fast. Since we know for sure now that there won't be another little one, I would love to get rid of all her stuff in the basement, but I just don't think I'm ready for the first year of clothes, or any of her gear. I guess it's not hurting anything to keep it a while longer.
We've done a bunch of things. The first thing we did, just a few days after she passed was go make appointments to get tattoos done. It was my third, and my husband's first. He kept talking about getting one but he didn't know of what, and I kind of joked with him, "Babe, there are certain things that if you haven't done them by age 30, you shouldn't do them". So I was happy he was able to get a very special tattoo for his first, and one that he will never ever regret having.
Here is mine, I got her actual footprint (to scale) and her name and date. I now kind of wish I had gotten it on the top of my foot, but oh well. It's on my inner left ankle.
Here is Ryan's, it's on his lower right arm. I think it is absolutely gorgeous, and while I do love having her footprint on me, I am a bit jealous of his tattoo, it's so beautiful.
After planning for 3 years to do this, we finally got Kayla's garden planted. But, we had a really hot summer this year and our watering schedule just couldn't keep up with the affects of the sun. And on top of that, I let the weeds get out of control, because it was so damn hot out, I just couldn't bring myself to go out and take care of them. I'm very sad that we let this happen, but we'll plant a new garden in the spring and make sure it's taken care of. But here it is the day we finished it.
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So I just wanted to write real quick about a few things. Emily didn't nap today, and boy was she a little hellion toward bed time. But the reason she didn't nap was kind of funny. She had a tantrum about something earlier in the day, so I put her in time out, which is in the corner of the couch. Sometimes she will sit quietly in time out and watch TV, like she must have done today. I got busy with my phone and was enjoying the silence, when I finally looked up after a while and saw that she had fallen asleep. I'm not sure how long she was sitting there, my guess is 20-30 minutes. Poor baby, mommy made her sit in time out so long she fell asleep!
Tonight I cleaned out her closet to make room for fall clothes, but I decided to go a step further and cleaned out her old coats, hats, dresses, pajamas, pants, shoes, and shorts. I normally pack them away in a tote, but I don't have any empty totes at the moment, and our storage in the basement is getting pretty full. I already have a pack n play I want to sell at the resale shop, so I figured why not see how much of the clothes they'll take as well. I ended up with four large bags and one small bag (shoes). I think most of them are very clean and cute, so I am hoping they take almost all of it. There are only a few pieces that have small stains I just couldn't get out. That would be awesome if I get a decent chunk of change to buy her fall wardrobe with.
Packing up these clothes was surprisingly easy. I think because they are obviously her bigger clothes, and they just went straight from closet to bags. I am used to seeing all these clothes in her closet, so it's not like I sat there, going through totes of clothes I hadn't seen in months or years, especially teeny weeny clothes that make me sad that my baby is growing up too fast. Since we know for sure now that there won't be another little one, I would love to get rid of all her stuff in the basement, but I just don't think I'm ready for the first year of clothes, or any of her gear. I guess it's not hurting anything to keep it a while longer.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Capture your grief, day 10
10. SYMBOLS + SIGNS | Do you have a symbol that represents your child? Maybe it is a butterfly, tree or bird etc. Share how you came to find that symbol and what it means to you. Do you believe your children send you signs at all? Have you had any? How did they help you?
It's kind of a cliche, but the symbol that represents Kayla is a butterfly. It is a commonly used symbol, especially for children because the butterfly represents the child's short life essentially ending on earth as the caterpillar, and then gaining their wings and going on to live a wonderful life in Heaven as a beautiful butterfly.
But that isn't actually how we came up with it. Kayla's nursery theme was going to be butterflies and when we were looking through the catalog of the available symbols you can put on the grave stone, nothing was really standing out to us. We didn't get to know her, we didn't know her personality, whether she would have been a girly girl like her sister, or maybe a tomboy or a little of both. So it was hard to just pick something without having meaning. But then I saw a butterfly and since it was what we had chosen for her room, it just felt right.
We originally chose two butterflies to be at the top of her stone, side by side, but when the proof came back, something about it just seemed off. My husband suggested they be turned to an angle slightly, so it looked like they were flying. When we got the second proof back, we were overwhelmed by how perfect it was. Being the only thing we would get to buy for our little girl, we spend a lot of time thinking about how to make it just perfect, and we're both really happy with how it turned out.
I always smile when I see a butterfly. They just look so peaceful and graceful which is how I hope Kayla is. When I see them, I feel like she is with me. I feel like she sends me a sign when we go to visit her grave and her pinwheel spins. Often, it only spins after we have said something, like when we say hi to her and that we love her. It's like the pinwheel spinning is her acknowledging that we're there.
It's kind of a cliche, but the symbol that represents Kayla is a butterfly. It is a commonly used symbol, especially for children because the butterfly represents the child's short life essentially ending on earth as the caterpillar, and then gaining their wings and going on to live a wonderful life in Heaven as a beautiful butterfly.
But that isn't actually how we came up with it. Kayla's nursery theme was going to be butterflies and when we were looking through the catalog of the available symbols you can put on the grave stone, nothing was really standing out to us. We didn't get to know her, we didn't know her personality, whether she would have been a girly girl like her sister, or maybe a tomboy or a little of both. So it was hard to just pick something without having meaning. But then I saw a butterfly and since it was what we had chosen for her room, it just felt right.
We originally chose two butterflies to be at the top of her stone, side by side, but when the proof came back, something about it just seemed off. My husband suggested they be turned to an angle slightly, so it looked like they were flying. When we got the second proof back, we were overwhelmed by how perfect it was. Being the only thing we would get to buy for our little girl, we spend a lot of time thinking about how to make it just perfect, and we're both really happy with how it turned out.
I always smile when I see a butterfly. They just look so peaceful and graceful which is how I hope Kayla is. When I see them, I feel like she is with me. I feel like she sends me a sign when we go to visit her grave and her pinwheel spins. Often, it only spins after we have said something, like when we say hi to her and that we love her. It's like the pinwheel spinning is her acknowledging that we're there.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Capture your grief, day 9
9. SURRENDER + EMBRACE | Completely surrendering myself to grief on multiple occasions has allowed me to release my emotions. The hurt, the anger, the unfairness. I was always afraid to giving in to how I was feeling. Like I had to hold it together for my family or if I did break down, I would not be able to bring myself back together. But I always did and afterwards I felt lighter. I was able to flow with grief rather than fight with it. I have screamed into pillows, cried myself to sleep and I am amazed at how much tension I was able to release. Surrendering to whatever it is you are feeling is one of the most powerful experiences of being present and in the moment. To sit and allow yourself to feel sadness is very profound. How do you feel about surrendering to grief? Have you done it before or are you more the type that just keeps carrying it all inside? Does the idea of falling apart frighten you? Share your thoughts.
I definitely tend to hold it in. Sometimes it is on purpose, especially around other people. I don't like to come off as weak, or wounded, or even, as ridiculous as it sounds, a drama queen. Rationally I know crying in front of friends and family over my daughter is normal and I would totally be supported, but I often worry that I come across as being over dramatic, or worry people will think it is for attention. I am constantly walking a tight rope, with honoring my daughter and breaking the silence about loss on one side, and not wanting to keep "whining" about it, and being seen as someone who just brings it up for attention and sympathy on the other.
But when it is just me, I generally do not try to hold it in, it just happens, usually till the point that it spills over and I just cannot hold it in anymore. Often my grief consumes me on nights when I really just think about things, and let it all in. I think about how I felt, I think about the unfairness of it all. I think about how angry I am, and how much it all sucks. I often pin quotes about child loss, because many times they can express exactly how I am feeling, when I cannot find the words myself. Reading those, and feeling all those words in my heart often bring on the water works. I do feel good after I've had a good cry, I feel a release, and I feel like I have bonded with Kayla, for lack of a better word.
I spend so much of my time trying to move forward, to be strong for Emily and everyone around me, that I often feel like I neglect Kayla. I feel like because I do not cry every day, or because I am not even sad everyday, that I am being a bad mom. So after a night of crying and letting it all out, I feel like I have connected with her, and really took the time to grieve for her.
I definitely tend to hold it in. Sometimes it is on purpose, especially around other people. I don't like to come off as weak, or wounded, or even, as ridiculous as it sounds, a drama queen. Rationally I know crying in front of friends and family over my daughter is normal and I would totally be supported, but I often worry that I come across as being over dramatic, or worry people will think it is for attention. I am constantly walking a tight rope, with honoring my daughter and breaking the silence about loss on one side, and not wanting to keep "whining" about it, and being seen as someone who just brings it up for attention and sympathy on the other.
But when it is just me, I generally do not try to hold it in, it just happens, usually till the point that it spills over and I just cannot hold it in anymore. Often my grief consumes me on nights when I really just think about things, and let it all in. I think about how I felt, I think about the unfairness of it all. I think about how angry I am, and how much it all sucks. I often pin quotes about child loss, because many times they can express exactly how I am feeling, when I cannot find the words myself. Reading those, and feeling all those words in my heart often bring on the water works. I do feel good after I've had a good cry, I feel a release, and I feel like I have bonded with Kayla, for lack of a better word.
I spend so much of my time trying to move forward, to be strong for Emily and everyone around me, that I often feel like I neglect Kayla. I feel like because I do not cry every day, or because I am not even sad everyday, that I am being a bad mom. So after a night of crying and letting it all out, I feel like I have connected with her, and really took the time to grieve for her.
Capture your grief, day 8
8. BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES | To me, my son is a beautiful mystery. I gave birth to him and yet I never knew him. I sometimes allow myself to imagine that he is alive in another time and space and that we are all together. If it is not too painful, allow yourself to imagine who your child would be now. What would they be like? What would they be passionate about. Tell a wild, beautiful story about them.
Kayla would be 3.5 now, and I picture my girls being together. Playing together, Kayla teaching Emily how to do things, and being a protective big sister. I imagine her to look so similar to Emily as they did at birth, the same petite frame, the same flowing blonde hair, but their personalities so polar opposite that to me, they have their own distinct looks.
It's a little cliche, but I imagine them playing together in a meadow. Actually, I imagine them being like Elsa and Anna from Frozen. Both still so young, but it's obvious that Emily looks up to her big sister, and knows she will always be there, one step ahead of her, to catch her before she falls. I imagine Emily laughing and smiling and shrieking as she runs around, yelling for "Kia" to wait up for her.
I picture them to be the best of friends, to absolutely adore one another. Emily may annoy her big sister, and Kayla may not want to play with her all the time, but she'll give in, because her little sister means the world to her. I imagine Kayla to be wild at heart, but calm and even tempered on the outside. Emily is sweet, but wild. You can see her passion on her face, and in her actions and in her eyes. But Kayla always seems reserved, like you just never know what is going on behind those beautiful gray eyes, that match her sister's and daddy's.
Emily is more transparent about her likes and dislikes....she loves horses, she loves being active. She plays hard and wears her heart on her sleeve, and at the end of the day she passes out from sheer exhaustion, resting up for another crazy day. Where as Kayla is more reserved, less telling about what she is thinking. She prefers to play quietly, or read through a book. She loves to learn, her little mind always absorbing everything she's ever seen or touched. She was my baby that kept me up at night. Reserved in the day, but at night it all came out. Unlike her sister, she never slept much, often cried and demanded my attention when she didn't have to share it with anyone else.. Always kept me guessing, and isn't predictable. She loves being a big sister, loves being looked up to, and cannot stand to see Emily cry.
Kayla would be 3.5 now, and I picture my girls being together. Playing together, Kayla teaching Emily how to do things, and being a protective big sister. I imagine her to look so similar to Emily as they did at birth, the same petite frame, the same flowing blonde hair, but their personalities so polar opposite that to me, they have their own distinct looks.
It's a little cliche, but I imagine them playing together in a meadow. Actually, I imagine them being like Elsa and Anna from Frozen. Both still so young, but it's obvious that Emily looks up to her big sister, and knows she will always be there, one step ahead of her, to catch her before she falls. I imagine Emily laughing and smiling and shrieking as she runs around, yelling for "Kia" to wait up for her.
I picture them to be the best of friends, to absolutely adore one another. Emily may annoy her big sister, and Kayla may not want to play with her all the time, but she'll give in, because her little sister means the world to her. I imagine Kayla to be wild at heart, but calm and even tempered on the outside. Emily is sweet, but wild. You can see her passion on her face, and in her actions and in her eyes. But Kayla always seems reserved, like you just never know what is going on behind those beautiful gray eyes, that match her sister's and daddy's.
Emily is more transparent about her likes and dislikes....she loves horses, she loves being active. She plays hard and wears her heart on her sleeve, and at the end of the day she passes out from sheer exhaustion, resting up for another crazy day. Where as Kayla is more reserved, less telling about what she is thinking. She prefers to play quietly, or read through a book. She loves to learn, her little mind always absorbing everything she's ever seen or touched. She was my baby that kept me up at night. Reserved in the day, but at night it all came out. Unlike her sister, she never slept much, often cried and demanded my attention when she didn't have to share it with anyone else.. Always kept me guessing, and isn't predictable. She loves being a big sister, loves being looked up to, and cannot stand to see Emily cry.
Capture your grief, day 7
7. MYTHS | Have you discovered any myths about this grief experience?
Time heals all wounds. This is a crock of shit. Grief is not linear. It doesn't happen in a nice orderly fashion. Sometimes I go through my day perfectly normal, always thinking of my girl, but not in tears or even feeling very sad. But then other days, for seemingly no reason, I am a mess, and the pain feels just as raw as the day we lost her. Time helps with the shock factor, and time helps us to accept it, and get used to our new reality. But no amount of time will ever make me not miss my daughter, or not be sad that she is gone.
Subsequent children make your loss easier. That's a big fat no. Kayla was a person, she had a personality, she was her own self. Having Emily does not make up for having lost Kayla. All of my grief was not just wiped away when Emily was born, and having been through one loss also robs you of the joy and innocence of expecting another baby. For anyone that thinks having your rainbow baby takes away the sadness of your lost child, think of your own living children. Would losing one of them be ok since you still have others?
God only gives you what you can handle. This one never made any sense to me at all. God is supposed to be loving, merciful, and kind. He is supposed to be our Father, and sacrificed His own son for our sins because He loves us so much. A loving God does not punish us, or make us go through hell just because we can take it. So that's my reward for being a strong, independent, empathetic person, is getting more bad shit happen to me than others? Sometimes bad things just happen, but God does not cause them.
An earlier loss is easier. False. In my case, because I experienced both, yes, the earlier loss was easier for me, physically and mentally. But when I was going through my first miscarriage, it's not like I thought to myself, well I am not sad over this, because it would have been harder later on. It was still devastating in its own right. I feel like child loss is one of the few situations where people put that stipulation on someone's grief. If someone's four year old dies, nobody says, well at least it happened now and not when he was ten. Or if someone's spouse dies, they don't say well at least he died instead of divorced you. If someone dies from cancer, nobody says well at least they didn't burn alive in a fire. Because society as a whole doesn't tend to recognize the life, love, and impact that an unborn child has on the world, it does not allow parents to grieve for their loss. My losses were horrible and devastating, because they were and should not be made less than because other people experience something different. By that argument, nothing is substantial, because there can always be something worse to compare it to. A broken arm is no big deal because a severed arm would be worse. Being raped is not a big deal, because she could have been raped by multiple people, and tortured. Just because every event can be trumped by something worse, doesn't make that event any less horrible to the person going through it.
At least she didn't suffer. First of all, no one can know that she didn't. Birth is a very traumatic event, and there is a reason it isn't supposed to happen until the baby is big enough and strong enough and their organs are developed enough to live outside the womb. At only 1 lb 1.6 ounces, she was only a fraction of the size of what a full term baby should weigh. She was also breach, so whose to say she wasn't suffocated by my cervix as it tried to close once her lower half passed through? Whose to say her lungs did not collapse as they were not developed enough to work on their own? I don't know at what point she died, but I know she was still alive up till 30 minutes before she was born, and she showed no signs of life once born. So she died at some point after entering the birth canal but before she came out. I didn't give birth to her because she had died and my body was cleansing itself, I gave birth because my body failed her and couldn't keep her in. So her official cause of death was being born...either from the trauma and force on her tiny body, or because her body wasn't ready to function without the life sustaining effects of the womb. That sure doesn't sound like a peaceful way to go to me. And even if she had just somehow passed away peacefully before she entered the birth canal, that doesn't make my grief any less.
Everything happens for a reason. In the literal dissection of this sentence, yes that is true I suppose. But that doesn't necessarily mean that there was a good reason for it, nor does it take away one's grief. Yes, there was a reason why Kayla was born early, and that is because my cervix dilated and my body gave birth. Does that mean I should be ok with it? Does that help my grief at all? If Kayla had lived, I would not have Emily. True, and that pains me to think because I DO have Emily and I cannot imagine giving her up. But if Kayla had lived, I would not have sat there thinking, it's too bad Kayla was born, because I could have a completely different daughter whom I do not know, and would like better. What?? That's ludicrous. Some people think maybe her passing was for the best, to avoid an even greater tragedy down the road. Well that goes back to the idea that a loss now is better than a loss later. Why? Thinking that we could have lost her later in life did not make her loss then any less painful, and it doesn't even make sense. Why make someone endure pain now, to save them pain later? Pain is pain. And if that is true, then why do other people suffer? Why does one child not live past their birth to avoid pain, but another one is allowed to be born, and live for a few years before a horrible illness takes them. Why weren't they taken earlier to avoid that pain later on? Why wasn't JonBenet stillborn so she wouldn't have to endure being murdered at age six? Why wasn't Hitler killed at birth so he could not go on to kill thousands of people?
Time heals all wounds. This is a crock of shit. Grief is not linear. It doesn't happen in a nice orderly fashion. Sometimes I go through my day perfectly normal, always thinking of my girl, but not in tears or even feeling very sad. But then other days, for seemingly no reason, I am a mess, and the pain feels just as raw as the day we lost her. Time helps with the shock factor, and time helps us to accept it, and get used to our new reality. But no amount of time will ever make me not miss my daughter, or not be sad that she is gone.
Subsequent children make your loss easier. That's a big fat no. Kayla was a person, she had a personality, she was her own self. Having Emily does not make up for having lost Kayla. All of my grief was not just wiped away when Emily was born, and having been through one loss also robs you of the joy and innocence of expecting another baby. For anyone that thinks having your rainbow baby takes away the sadness of your lost child, think of your own living children. Would losing one of them be ok since you still have others?
God only gives you what you can handle. This one never made any sense to me at all. God is supposed to be loving, merciful, and kind. He is supposed to be our Father, and sacrificed His own son for our sins because He loves us so much. A loving God does not punish us, or make us go through hell just because we can take it. So that's my reward for being a strong, independent, empathetic person, is getting more bad shit happen to me than others? Sometimes bad things just happen, but God does not cause them.
An earlier loss is easier. False. In my case, because I experienced both, yes, the earlier loss was easier for me, physically and mentally. But when I was going through my first miscarriage, it's not like I thought to myself, well I am not sad over this, because it would have been harder later on. It was still devastating in its own right. I feel like child loss is one of the few situations where people put that stipulation on someone's grief. If someone's four year old dies, nobody says, well at least it happened now and not when he was ten. Or if someone's spouse dies, they don't say well at least he died instead of divorced you. If someone dies from cancer, nobody says well at least they didn't burn alive in a fire. Because society as a whole doesn't tend to recognize the life, love, and impact that an unborn child has on the world, it does not allow parents to grieve for their loss. My losses were horrible and devastating, because they were and should not be made less than because other people experience something different. By that argument, nothing is substantial, because there can always be something worse to compare it to. A broken arm is no big deal because a severed arm would be worse. Being raped is not a big deal, because she could have been raped by multiple people, and tortured. Just because every event can be trumped by something worse, doesn't make that event any less horrible to the person going through it.
At least she didn't suffer. First of all, no one can know that she didn't. Birth is a very traumatic event, and there is a reason it isn't supposed to happen until the baby is big enough and strong enough and their organs are developed enough to live outside the womb. At only 1 lb 1.6 ounces, she was only a fraction of the size of what a full term baby should weigh. She was also breach, so whose to say she wasn't suffocated by my cervix as it tried to close once her lower half passed through? Whose to say her lungs did not collapse as they were not developed enough to work on their own? I don't know at what point she died, but I know she was still alive up till 30 minutes before she was born, and she showed no signs of life once born. So she died at some point after entering the birth canal but before she came out. I didn't give birth to her because she had died and my body was cleansing itself, I gave birth because my body failed her and couldn't keep her in. So her official cause of death was being born...either from the trauma and force on her tiny body, or because her body wasn't ready to function without the life sustaining effects of the womb. That sure doesn't sound like a peaceful way to go to me. And even if she had just somehow passed away peacefully before she entered the birth canal, that doesn't make my grief any less.
Everything happens for a reason. In the literal dissection of this sentence, yes that is true I suppose. But that doesn't necessarily mean that there was a good reason for it, nor does it take away one's grief. Yes, there was a reason why Kayla was born early, and that is because my cervix dilated and my body gave birth. Does that mean I should be ok with it? Does that help my grief at all? If Kayla had lived, I would not have Emily. True, and that pains me to think because I DO have Emily and I cannot imagine giving her up. But if Kayla had lived, I would not have sat there thinking, it's too bad Kayla was born, because I could have a completely different daughter whom I do not know, and would like better. What?? That's ludicrous. Some people think maybe her passing was for the best, to avoid an even greater tragedy down the road. Well that goes back to the idea that a loss now is better than a loss later. Why? Thinking that we could have lost her later in life did not make her loss then any less painful, and it doesn't even make sense. Why make someone endure pain now, to save them pain later? Pain is pain. And if that is true, then why do other people suffer? Why does one child not live past their birth to avoid pain, but another one is allowed to be born, and live for a few years before a horrible illness takes them. Why weren't they taken earlier to avoid that pain later on? Why wasn't JonBenet stillborn so she wouldn't have to endure being murdered at age six? Why wasn't Hitler killed at birth so he could not go on to kill thousands of people?
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Capture your grief- day 6
6. EMPATHY | So often when someone experiences the death of a baby or child, family and loved ones fail miserably at empathy because they try to fix what has happened. They usually do this because they either love you so much or just can’t deal with it themselves so they say things like “God needed another angel. It was probably for the best. At least, blah blah blah” They are desperate to show you a silver lining when there really isn’t one. As we know these kinds of words rarely ever help, in fact they more often than not make us feel even worse. So today you are invited to educate people on the art of empathy. We don’t need to turn this into a vent about what not to say, but rather, what to say and what they can do that will actually comfort the grieving. What does empathy look like for you?
I guess the biggest thing I would like people to know about empathy, is you cannot be empathetic, unless you put yourself in that other person's shoes. You have to picture the tragedy happening to yourself, and to your loved ones.
It's often so easy for well-meaning people to tell a friend, "leave him, you deserve better" regarding their husband/boyfriend/friend with benefits, etc. It's so easy to do that, because they're only looking at it from a logical viewpoint. They look at their friends partner, not feeling the love that their friend feels, and they can confidently say "I would leave if I were you". Well of course you could leave this person that you do not really know or love.
People who are jerks and show their true colors in the very beginning, are often broken up with right away, or do not get a second date, because then you CAN use logic and say, this person isn't for me. But once you've built a life together, and deep feelings are involved, you have assets together, your family is their family and vice versa, and especially when you have kids together, it becomes so much harder. For someone to truly empathize with their friend about their doomed relationship, they have to be able to think of their own relationship, and imagine trying to leave this person they love and want to spend forever with, and to realize that all that love doesn't go out the window because of the bad issues.
It's the same thing with pregnancy and infant loss. Except people do not want to put themselves in the other person's shoes, because it is terrifying. The worst possible loss one can experience is the death of a child, and no one wants to imagine that. They look at this person that just had a miscarriage....they were just told of the good news one day out of the blue. They may not know about all of the months or years that couple endured, trying to get pregnant. All of the doctor appointments, all of the time waiting, hoping, and praying. So to them, they figure well, you were pregnant once, you can get pregnant again. They weren't in love with this person's unborn baby, they didn't feel their kicks, and dream of their future.
Even in the case of a tragedy that is widely known, like the little boy who was killed by the alligator at Disney World. It's been about 4 months, even people who were very empathetic at the time, probably think life is getting on for that family now. They've had time to grieve, they've had time to accept it. But they don't see the heartache, the days they cannot get out of bed. They are not picturing how they would feel if it was THEIR child who was killed in such a horrific terrifying way. They are trying to place emotion on a child they did not know, a child they did not love. It's easy to think the family is moving forward and feeling better these days, when the shock and tragic feelings wear off about this little boy we didn't know. But picture that it was your child who was so innocently playing on the beach. Picture that it was your family, who had to get on the plane and leave what was supposed to be a magical vacation, without one of your children. The picture becomes so much more clear.
But people don't want to do that, they don't even want to imagine it because it is too sad and too terrible. Well if you cannot even imagine it, then think about how horrible it is for the family whose living this reality. They say to really understand what a person is going through, you have to experience it for yourself. That is probably true to a degree, but I don't believe that entirely. I've never lost a living, breathing, walking, talking child. But even the slight imagination of losing Emily right now, and not seeing her beautiful, giggling, sweet face every day is so horrible I have to shake my head and let the image "fall out of my brain". So you can imagine the loss a person has experienced even if you haven't been through it, it's just that most people do not want to.
I found that most of the people that had the type of advice like it's for the best, everything happens for a reason, it was God's will....had children of their own. So it was always so baffling to me that they couldn't stop for one second, think back to when they were pregnant with their children, and try to imagine being told that you would deliver 18 weeks early and your baby won't survive. And I know they didn't do that, because if they did, even for one second, nobody would even think of giving that kind of advice.
Like they say, it's easy to say God needed another angel, when He didn't ask for one of yours.
I guess the biggest thing I would like people to know about empathy, is you cannot be empathetic, unless you put yourself in that other person's shoes. You have to picture the tragedy happening to yourself, and to your loved ones.
It's often so easy for well-meaning people to tell a friend, "leave him, you deserve better" regarding their husband/boyfriend/friend with benefits, etc. It's so easy to do that, because they're only looking at it from a logical viewpoint. They look at their friends partner, not feeling the love that their friend feels, and they can confidently say "I would leave if I were you". Well of course you could leave this person that you do not really know or love.
People who are jerks and show their true colors in the very beginning, are often broken up with right away, or do not get a second date, because then you CAN use logic and say, this person isn't for me. But once you've built a life together, and deep feelings are involved, you have assets together, your family is their family and vice versa, and especially when you have kids together, it becomes so much harder. For someone to truly empathize with their friend about their doomed relationship, they have to be able to think of their own relationship, and imagine trying to leave this person they love and want to spend forever with, and to realize that all that love doesn't go out the window because of the bad issues.
It's the same thing with pregnancy and infant loss. Except people do not want to put themselves in the other person's shoes, because it is terrifying. The worst possible loss one can experience is the death of a child, and no one wants to imagine that. They look at this person that just had a miscarriage....they were just told of the good news one day out of the blue. They may not know about all of the months or years that couple endured, trying to get pregnant. All of the doctor appointments, all of the time waiting, hoping, and praying. So to them, they figure well, you were pregnant once, you can get pregnant again. They weren't in love with this person's unborn baby, they didn't feel their kicks, and dream of their future.
Even in the case of a tragedy that is widely known, like the little boy who was killed by the alligator at Disney World. It's been about 4 months, even people who were very empathetic at the time, probably think life is getting on for that family now. They've had time to grieve, they've had time to accept it. But they don't see the heartache, the days they cannot get out of bed. They are not picturing how they would feel if it was THEIR child who was killed in such a horrific terrifying way. They are trying to place emotion on a child they did not know, a child they did not love. It's easy to think the family is moving forward and feeling better these days, when the shock and tragic feelings wear off about this little boy we didn't know. But picture that it was your child who was so innocently playing on the beach. Picture that it was your family, who had to get on the plane and leave what was supposed to be a magical vacation, without one of your children. The picture becomes so much more clear.
But people don't want to do that, they don't even want to imagine it because it is too sad and too terrible. Well if you cannot even imagine it, then think about how horrible it is for the family whose living this reality. They say to really understand what a person is going through, you have to experience it for yourself. That is probably true to a degree, but I don't believe that entirely. I've never lost a living, breathing, walking, talking child. But even the slight imagination of losing Emily right now, and not seeing her beautiful, giggling, sweet face every day is so horrible I have to shake my head and let the image "fall out of my brain". So you can imagine the loss a person has experienced even if you haven't been through it, it's just that most people do not want to.
I found that most of the people that had the type of advice like it's for the best, everything happens for a reason, it was God's will....had children of their own. So it was always so baffling to me that they couldn't stop for one second, think back to when they were pregnant with their children, and try to imagine being told that you would deliver 18 weeks early and your baby won't survive. And I know they didn't do that, because if they did, even for one second, nobody would even think of giving that kind of advice.
Like they say, it's easy to say God needed another angel, when He didn't ask for one of yours.
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