Appt is made

I bit the bullet and made an appointmnt with the RE today.  I had hoped to get in sometime in October, but feared I might not get in until November....turns out I am going three weeks from today!  It's cool though, I'm ready.  I just hope that doesn't mean it's not a desirable place since it doesn't take ten years to get an appt.  But there are two other doctors, maybe that is why it's easier to get in.  Ok I'm overthinking it.

Unfortunately Ryan won't be able to go with me, not for this appt nor any of them really unless things get really serious down the road and we consider IVF.  As of right now, IVF is and has never been something I want to persue, but I also wasn't ready to go to an RE and use clomid so I'll just say for right now it is not in our plans.  I wish Ryan could go, but I've been to plenty of uncomfortable appointments before, I'll be fine.

Right now I am really excited but I am sure a few days before I'll be very nervous.  But I am glad I decided to go and can get in so quickly.  I wish I could have just lost the weight and Od on my own, but after two years of really trying to lose weight, it's just not happening as quickly and successfully as I need it to.  It really bothers me because I did it once before, I shouldn't still be struggling like this after TWO YEARS....but I have had a lot of set backs.

Sure, if someone handcuffed me and only fed me the foods I should eat, and put a gun to my head and made me work out on a regular basis I would be super skinny, but it's the emotional aspect that is hard.  Between the miscarriage and losing both of my grandparents, plus just the general pressure to lose weight so I could ovulate again, it was just very difficult.  Everytime I got ahead, it seemed like something would come along and set me back again.

As I've said before, IF I stay on track, I could lose 25 pounds by January and I could maybe starting Oing again.  But who knows if that will work.  I did SO well the last couple weeks, and both weeks I gained half a pound each week.  Yeah, maybe it was water weight, yeah maybe it was muscle, but honestly I don't think I can go the next 4 or 5 months of staying positive while seeing gains when all I do is eat healthy and work out.  And of course losing weight is never a bad thing, but what if I waited until January, lost that weight and still wasn't Oing?  I think losing 25 would do it, but what if it doesn't?  What if I won't start Oing until I lose 35 or 40 pounds? This coming May marks two very hard things....I turn 34 and it marks two years of trying.  I really don't have time to keep putting things off in hopes that they work out well on their own.

That's not to say I am giving up on the weightloss.  Even if I weren't trying to get pregnant, I really want to lose weight again.  I want to feel and look better and be healtheir.  I just joined weight watchers online....I've been thinking about it for a while but kept putting it off because I had two other sites that basically did the same thing for free.  But so far I am really liking WW....I feel like the points takes some of the negative focus off of things.  Ever since I started counting calories I've thought about food all.the.time, but I feel like the points (rather than thinking about the calories and fat and carbs) camoflouges that a little.  I also like how most fruits and veggies are free and it encourages eating them.  Tonight I had a pepper and celery, not because I was hungry but because I wanted to munch on something.  If they weren't free, I would have probably thought well, I'm going to go over my calories anyway so I might as well eat something I enjoy more.

So, my hopes are between provera, eating better, losing weight, and clomid I will get pregnant!  I would love to be pregnant again before the holidays.  I couldn't believe how lucky I was last year to get pregnant like that out of the blue, but then I lost it, so it would be nice if I could get another chance to announce at Christmas.  Of course, I wouldn't mind being able to announce good news before then either :)

I was thinking the other day, maybe it was complete luck but despite the bad time I've had with TTC, when I got pregnant last year it really didn't take that long of the times I actually ovulated.  We started TTC in May of 2011 and I had my first period on June 16 (previous one was April 24, so a 52 day cycle, of course all of my previous cycles were 28 to 33 days, with one odd 19 day cycle).  My next one was July 8, then Aug 1st, then Aug 31st.  Assuming O preceded all of those periods, I ovulated 4 times and then got pregnant the 5th time I ovulated in November which was the first and only time we had good timing.  So that gives me hope, that if I start Oing again soon either on my own or with clomid, hopefully with good timing it won't take long.  I'm praying anyway.