Improvements

 So as I said in my last post, Emily being back in school has been a Godsend.  She and I are doing so much better, and my mood has improved so much.  It's so so nice to have peace and quiet to work all day.  So our latest lockdown closed in-person school for high schoolers, but K-8 could still go.  A week or two ago I woke up to a youtube message from Em's principal....he always does one on Fridays, which he did as usual, so I was nervous what this Saturday one was about.  

So our county came out with a recommendation, not a requirement, that K-8 close as well and go virtual.  But being just a suggestion, each school could decide for ourselves, and he announced that we will stay open.  Whew!!  Thank God!  I've loved these last few months of her being in school and I'm grateful for them, but please God don't take them away from me.  It does make me nervous that our county will eventually make it a requirement, but hopefully with being off 3 days this week, and their two-week break for Christmas coming up, that will get us to a place where the cases start lessening again and they won't do it.  

So even though Em being back in school has improved things, I decided to go back on Wellbutrin.  I wanted to stay off medication forever...I guess a part of me feels like I'm being strong or whatever for not needing it.  But finally, I decided I didn't like the person or mom I was being.  I didn't like being so short with her, and I was so tired of acting crazy and then feeling so guilty over it.  So, I went back on.  

The last thing I was on was Zoloft, and I hated the way I felt on it.  I was like a zombie.  I still felt emotion inside, but outside I was a stoneface.  I would need to cry, but my body just wouldn't let me.  It also made me "mentally tired".  It just made me want to sit on the couch all day and do nothing.  I can push through physical exhaustion, but I couldn't push through the mental exhaustion.  So I decided to try Wellbutrin again.

I wasn't sure if it would be any better because the last time I was on that, I was still working outside the home, 40 hours a week.  So I had no choice but to get up and go to work.  But when you're your own boss as a stay at home mom, or when your real boss is remote and your schedule is much more flexible, it's a lot harder to push through that and make yourself do things.  I also like that Wellbutrin isn't known for causing weight gain or zapping your libido....both very bad side effects when you're in a relationship, lol.  

So I felt improvements right away, but when I went back to my doctor she asked if I am happy with my dosage.  I said I was feeling much better, but I certainly wouldn't turn down boosting it a little.  So she upped my dosage some and now I feel really good.  Things with Emily have improved soooo much...like I feel like I can enjoy my daughter again.  Yeah there are still days she drives me crazy and I lose my shit, but that just comes with the territory of parenting.  But for the most part, I am much calmer and I can keep my frustrations and impatience in check so much easier.  I am so so glad I decided to go back on it.  I also have not felt any of the issues I had on Zoloft, and I certainly can cry on Wellbutrin as I've done plenty of that lately, lol.  It really feels like my miracle drug.  

So....we had parent-teacher conferences a couple weeks ago.  Wow is all I can say.  Em's teacher is...well, not my favorite.  I'd noticed Emily seemed to be struggling a lot more this year.  I wasn't sure if it was because she lost the last few months of Kindergarten, or if the curriculum at her new school was very different from her old school, or a little of both.  Like, she was very good at math last year, but this year it's like all that knowledge just fell out of her head.  

I ran into her Kindergarten teacher when I was at her old school to vote, and I briefly told her some of this and she was surprised because she said she always did so well last year.  She's also struggling with spelling a lot.  We'll practice and practice at home, she'll do well, and then she'll get 6 out of 10 wrong on the test.  I was at a loss.  Then one day Emily's friend's mom talked to me at pick up...her daughter is also a transplant from the same public school, and she asked me if I felt Emily was doing well, and I shared my concerns.  She said she's having the exact same issues with her daughter.  We chatted for a few, and I swear everything she said, Em is dealing with that too.  

So again, I don't know if it's her teacher or the fact that Emily and her friend are both struggling and are from the public school, or if it's the effects of missing so much school and the stress of the pandemic.  I dunno.  So we make our appt for conferences and they were to be over the phone due to covid, but she asked if me and Em's dad could come in person rather than trying to do a 3-way conference call.  So we get there that evening, and we're waiting outside the door because parents cannot come into the school this year and all the doors were locked.  Her classroom was dark, and there weren't many cars in the parking lot.  He was like are you sure it's tonight?  I said yes, this is what time she said.  

We were a little earlier, so we stood around and waited for 20 min past the appt time and gave up.  I tried calling her, it rang a million times and went to voicemail but then I couldn't even leave a message because her inbox was full.  Oh, and this was after canceling the week prior because she had a bad headache.

Em says she has headaches a lot.  I feel for her, I used to get them badly and frequently and I know how debilitating they are.  I didn't fault her for the first cancel, but after not calling and not showing that night, I was very irritated and now I was also irritated that it was now the second time the conference didn't happen.  My ex also gave me Em's report card that night and her grades, while needing improvement wasn't as bad as I expected, but she wrote that Emily is a delight and while making improvements, she is struggling.  

So we both left but we headed to his house because I had to pick up Emily.  Her Nana picked her up from school so we wouldn't have to bring her to conferences since that's a very bad idea in my opinion.  So this was also the second time I had arranged for childcare for the conference.

So when I got to his house, he had beaten me by a few minutes, and he told me her teacher had called him on his drive.  Her reason for the no show?  She forgot.  What the fuck?  Are you kidding me?  Who forgets about their scheduled parent-teacher conference?  Now, I don't like to play the friend card because I don't think we should get any special treatment, but my ex is best friends with the principal.  A teacher shouldn't stand up any of her students' parents, but especially not the best friend of her boss.  And then the kicker....she didn't see a need to meet unless we did.  Um, what?  Her report card was less than great, and she said she is struggling.  Why in the hell would we not need to meet for a conference?

Especially with covid and the fact that we can't be as involved with their schooling (can't go inside the building, can't really speak to her teacher much at all) a conference with EVERY parent is needed regardless...even without the pandemic.  But to think you don't need to meet with parents whose child is struggling?  I was just dumbfounded.  

The next day at drop off, she did apologize to me, and I told her we did need to meet still so she told me to text her with a day and time that works.  I accepted the apology, but I wasn't very happy.  I text her later that day, and she said the day/time was fine.  A bit later she text back and said she forgot she has a doctor appt that day.  Ugh!  So then we agreed on another day and time.  

So that Friday at 4pm I sat waiting for her call.  Four came and went....4:15 came and went....I text my ex to ask if maybe she had tried calling him by mistake, even though she does have my number but he said no.  Finally, she calls at 4:25.  Oh.my.God....I am just in disbelief at this point.  After canceling once and not showing once, she should have been calling me at 4pm ON THE DOT.

So again she apologizes for calling late and said her husband was there and she was chatting with him for a bit.  Um, wut?  Ok, I suppose she gets some points for being honest and not making shit up that I would be pretty sure was a lie....but why does she think it's ok to keep me waiting a third time because she's chatting with her husband?????  

So, despite all of the difficulty of getting the conference, the actual conference did go well.  I felt I had her attention the whole time, and she confirmed my suspicions that Emily could possibly have ADD.  I mentioned that her dad has it also and she said ah, yes it is very genetic.  So she gave me some tips and advice for dealing with it.  I'm always telling Em to stop fidgeting and stop dancing around when we're doing homework and I'm quizzing her on stuff, but she told me movement often helps them focus.  Huh, never knew that.  It makes sense though, her dad used to walk laps around the house when he was on an important phone call.  He could not stay still.  

So I've seen some improvements already since I let her just do her thing when we're studying.  I feel like it's also made me a little more patient with her....I realize her inability to focus sometimes isn't her just being difficult, so I give her a little more leeway.  Even prior to the conference, I found this fun way online to study for spelling tests.  You take a bouncy ball, like the size of a soccer ball, and you write the alphabet all over it randomly, so not in order.  Say the spelling word is bath.  Emily has to find the first letter....so she finds it, says b, and then bounces the ball to me.  Then I find the a, and bounce it back and so on.  Once the word is spelled, I have her say the word and spell the whole thing again without the ball.  She loves it and even asks to "play" it.  It definitely makes studying less of a chore.  

So last week, she got an A+ on her spelling test!!  We still have to get her evaluated of course, but I will be very surprised if they say she does not have it.  Maybe it's not as severe as some, but I think she definitely has it to some degree.

 So the conference was at least productive, but man I felt like beating my head against the wall about her disrespect for my time.  This is why I don't understand the blanket "love" that so many people give to teachers.  Yes, teaching is a hard job...but so are a lot of jobs.  It is also a job that people chose to do, knowing what it entails and what it pays.  There are also some pretty shitty teachers out there.  I'm not saying Em's teacher is a bad teacher...like the teaching part, but her time management skills and relationship and respect for parents' time and responsibilities sure leave something to be desired.  I loved Emily's kindergarten teacher.  I love love loved her!  Even talking to her for a few minutes after voting gave me warm fuzzies and I so wished she could be her teacher every year.

But I don't understand praising an entire profession when there are plenty of bad apples.  I had several shitty teachers growing up.  I had this one in high school that would go places (probably to drink) for 10-15 minutes at a time and he would lock us in the room while he was gone.  Wtf?  What if there had been a fire?  I had another teacher who knew I was being bullied by my former friends in elementary school, and when my dad finally figured out why I didn't want to go to school, he came and talked to my teacher and he said yeah he knew about it, he was waiting for me to approach him for help.

What?  The adult was waiting for the 11-year-old to come to them with an embarrassing problem?  So are there great teachers out there?  Yes, absolutely.  I've had some of them, as has Emily.  But there are also some very shitty ones.  Just like there are shitty CEO's, and shitty cops, and shitty financial advisors, and shitty truck drivers.  I guess I'll just never understand society's praise for certain jobs.  It's like unless you're a teacher, a nurse, a doctor, a cop (sometimes...depends whether the media is hell-bent on hating cops at the moment or not), fireman, or other first responders, then your job ain't shit.  There are literally thousands if not millions of other jobs in the world, but for some reason, people love to give praise to just those 6 professions.  

I guess the rest of us having amazing working conditions and our jobs are so easy and our pay is phenomenal that we don't get any praise, lol.  And no, I don't need praise or a national day of recognition for my job, I just think it's dumb to praise an entire profession that has both good and bad people doing it, just like any other profession does.  

So, this latest lockdown has got me sad that it will likely mess up me and Emily's annual tradition of going to see The Polar Express in December.  I mean, the lockdown and closure of movie theaters are supposed to only be until December 8th but come on, I don't believe for one second it will end on December 8th.  I'm betting January 15th at the absolute earliest.  But, I've come up with a plan to make it fun at home.  I'm going to get some gold cardstock and print out movie tickets on it.  So that night, we'll get our PJ's on and I'll give her her ticket and I'll take it at the door like at a theater.  We'll turn out all the lights and we'll have popcorn and candy.  

I'm actually a little bit more excited about this plan than if the movies were open.  But I'll be very happy to go back to the theater next year if the world is somewhat back to normal.  She overheard me talking to my dad on the phone a couple weeks ago about the closure, and her face fell and she said movies are closing again?  I said yeah, and she looked so sad.

It wasn't really in my budget, but after school the next day (two days before the closure would take effect) I told her to get her shoes on, we were going to the movies.  She was sooooo excited.  We saw The War with Grandpa.  It was pretty cute and funny.  When the movies first re-opened, we went to see Coco.  We own it on DVD, and we have it on Disney +, and we've seen it a million times, but we were so desperate to go to the movies, we just wanted to go.  We had the entire theater to ourselves, Em loved it.  She thought it was so cool to get to talk at a normal level and not worry about being quiet.  Man, I love seeing that little girl happy.

Her elf on the shelf arrived back this morning.  I'm glad to see she is still excited about her and seems to still believe.  She was kind of doubting things a little last year, so I was afraid it would be her last year believing.  I'm glad she still has that, she needs good things to get excited about right now.  Speaking of, I had better go move the elf before I forget.            

Parent shaming

 Social media is bad (I say as I blog an entry on a social media-type site).  It just makes me sad to see what people have come to.  Like most people, I have a lot of family on the other side of the party lines.  We have a big family, and I don't know where everyone lies, but of the more vocal ones, I'd say we're split pretty evenly.  I may not always like the opinions of those on the opposing political side, and yes I do sometimes have to unfollow those people....not unfriend, but unfollow because I just cannot read all the stuff that makes me mad/sad/frustrated all the time.

But to be fair, posting too much political stuff in general, regardless of your party, will also get you unfollowed.  Especially if you're someone that posts things that are so obviously untrue, and you did not fact-check.  Again, regardless of your politics, if you post that stuff, bye-bye.  I come to FB to connect with family and friends, watch funny videos, and see pictures.  I would be overjoyed if tomorrow everyone stopped posting political stuff.   

So yeah, I am pretty set in my ways, and while on some issues I lean to the middle, but for the most part, my beliefs are conservative.  But like I said, I would never unfriend or even stop talking to someone in real life because of who they vote for, or even their views that are very different from mine.  I can dislike your beliefs but still love you.  But yesterday my aunt posted something that made me very sad.  To paraphrase, she stated that the "crazy" parents that just have to have their kids in school probably just don't even want to be bothered with their kid and she wonders why they don't care if they get sick.  

They really struck a nerve with me.  It doesn't exactly make it right, but I could have been less bothered if that comment was on some news article and she was ranting to strangers.  I think we've all been a little too cocky and brave behind our keyboards and taken advantage of being anonymous to voice our judgey comments a time or two.  But she made this comment on my other aunt's post, where pretty much all of her family that is on FB can see.  And I can think of at least 2 other cousins, there may be more, that chose to send their kids to in-person school besides me.    

Maybe some would say I'm taking it too personally, but I feel like if she is bold enough to say that on a family members page, where other family can see it, and those are the thoughts she puts down on paper so to speak, then her internal thoughts are even more judgey, and yes I took that as her telling ME (and anyone else that sent their kids to school this year) that I am crazy, and accusing me of not wanting to be bothered with my kid.  

This makes me so beyond angry.  I expect to be judged by strangers who have nothing better to do with their lives.  But to be thought of that way by family that you love and you think loves you, it hurts.  And let's be real...we've all made a blanket statement and then realized someone in the room identifies with that statement and we feel like a shit head.  "Like man, I can't stand those stick figure stickers on people's car windows".  *Person sitting next to you says they have those stickers on their car*.  Me: Ugh, well ya know they're kinda cute *open mouth, insert foot*

But when I called her on it, she didn't even attempt to backpedal or apologize or anything.  She could have said something like I'm sorry Amy, I didn't necessarily mean you, and I don't think you don't care about your kid, I'm just very afraid to send my kids to school right now and can't understand how others are not".  If she had said anything resembling that, I could have chalked it up to her being in the heat of the moment, and ranting and venting, even though it was in very poor judgment.

But no...she replied with something that made almost no sense and said she is supporting our family that has to risk their health every day to go back to the classroom and teach.  So I said that she can support one, without attacking the other.  No response to that, which is actually good, I didn't want to go back and forth all day.  I had to say my piece, I tried to pass it by but it just made me too angry, but I am also not interested in getting into an all-out war with family on FB.

Like I said, maybe I'm being too sensitive about this and immature for being upset over a FB comment, but still....this aunt, she's not that much older than me.  She's the youngest of my dad's 11 siblings, so she's like 9 years older or something like that.  She used to watch me when I was a kid, and take me down to my grandma's barn to play with the cats.  When we went into town to get ice cream, she would get the baby cone because my brother and I loved the candy eyes that came on them, but we wanted the bigger cones so she would give us the eyes that came on hers.  She's watched me grow up, her daughters were my flower girls at my wedding, she came to my daughter's funeral.....  This isn't an aunt that I never see and doesn't know me.

Do I think she made the comment, with me specifically in mind?  No, I don't.  Not at all.  But if you believe all parents are crazy and don't care about their kid for sending them back to school, then you must, to some degree, think those things about me because I sent my kid back to school.  And even if she doesn't per se, the very fact that she so callously said that, on a family members personal page really gets me.  Like I said, had it been a rant on a public news article or something, that I could write off easier as just being in "social media mindset" and not applying what you're saying to real people.  

I hate judgment.  I absolutely hate it.  Yes, I used to be rather judgemental, and I still am to a degree.  Everyone is.  But becoming a mother has made me so so so much less.  Even if it's something that doesn't apply to me, I can still see how hard it is.  Like parents who have runners.  When a kid gets into a situation or hurt because they ran off from their parent, everyone wants to cry "where were the parents"?  And if anyone is likely to judge those parents, it would be someone like me who's kid is not a runner, so I don't necessarily understand how telling your kid to stay by your side doesn't keep them by your side.

But I don't judge, I thank my lucky stars that I do not have a runner.  Yes, sometimes I wish she wasn't so joined at my hip, and I wish she wasn't always so close to me that she runs into me if I stop suddenly.  But I will take that any day over her running out into a parking lot, or running from me in a crowded place.  And I acknowledge that 98% of why she isn't a runner has squat to do with me or my parenting.  I mean yeah, I taught her to hold hands in parking lots and to not run from me, but for the most part, the reason she doesn't do those things is that that's just not her personality.  She's shy, quiet (in public anyway) she's cautious and calculating.  She's not impulsive.  I cannot take credit for the reason my daughter isn't a runner, just as most parents are not at fault for their children being runners.  

So it just kills me that she would assume that all parents that send their kid to school this year are crazy and just don't want to be bothered when she doesn't have any clue what their circumstances are, and why they chose to send their kids to school.  She is married, so her kids have a two-parent household.  She was also a full-time stay at home mom until recently, and even now only works part-time.  Her girls are older...one is in 9th grade and the other is in 7th I think.  So she can spend most of the day with them, helping them with school work, knowing their dad will be home later that day to help out.  Or she can go to work and leave her 9th grader home in charge of the 7th grader.  Or she can be home, and not need to help them much at all, because older children can better set themselves up on zoom meetings and such and pay attention a little more.  And no, I don't know their financials, but if they could afford for her to stay home for the last 14 some years, her part-time job is likely not so badly needed that she couldn't quit and stay home if absolutely need be.  

I on the other hand am a single mom.  I don't think I am a hero for being a single mom, and I am lucky that my ex is still involved, but the fact of the matter is, I am the only parent on duty for 24+ days of the month and it's just a fact that I have more to do around the house as a single mom, then someone who has a partner (assuming the partner does their share).  I also work full time from home, and will eventually be returning to the office two days per week and I absolutely cannot quit my job.  I also have a 6-year-old who would have a lot harder time navigating her remote learning, and more trouble paying attention and following along than a 12 and 14-year-old would have.

And I have it much easier than some in my position.  Some single parents or even two working parents have a job where they cannot work from home, and/or they might have 2 or more kids to juggle their remote learning.  I can't even fathom how those parents make it work.  

Furthermore, it is not that I don't fear this virus.  I do understand that people have died from it.  I do acknowledge that some people get it way worse than others.  When Emily brought home that cold a couple weeks ago, I'll admit I was a little worried because my dad had been here working on my bathroom all week, so she likely had whatever sniffles she had for at least a day or two before she started showing symptoms.  My dad is almost 71 and floats between having type II diabetes and pre-diabetes....so he fits into the higher risk category.  But if I had told my dad that he shouldn't come back the next day because Emily had a cold, he would laugh at me and tell me I'm being ridiculous.  He is a grown man, after all, I cannot tell him what to do.

So do I have zero fear of this virus?  No...it does concern me some.  But a lot of things concern me, and I refuse to spend my life afraid of them.  We take a ton of risk every day just by getting in the car every morning and driving to work or school or the grocery store.  But we minimize the risk by driving as safe as we can, wearing seatbelts and being extra cautious on snowy or rainy days.  Just as with this virus...we avoid overly crowded events, we stay home when we're sick, we wash our hands and we live our lives.  I love my daughter very much, and I am very concerned for her well being.  But part of loving your child is teaching them to not live in fear, and letting them go out and take calculated risks.  If I allowed myself to, I could easily list 50 things right now that scare me in regard to my daughter.  But I don't keep her home indefinitely because one of those things as a slight possibility of happening. 

The other day we were watching Steel Magnolias, and it was the scene where they were in the grocery store.  Emily asked me why they were at the store without masks.  Well for one it's tv (but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before characters have masks built into their storylines) and two it was probably 30 years ago.  But that made me very sad...I don't have many memories of 6 and before, so if the world we're living in is the new normal, our kids will never know life like we knew it.  I don't want her growing up in a world where a mask and social distancing, and not being able to hug a friend or family member is commonplace and she doesn't remember how the world used to be.  Especially over a virus that has a very very high survival rate for most.   

And for my aunt, and other parents who don't feel it is safe to send their children to school....I don't understand it, I don't understand why THIS risk absolutely cannot be taken when there are so many other risks that we take without even thinking about it.  But, I understand that they have reasons for choosing what they do, and at the end of the day they are your kids and everyone has to parent them in the way that they are comfortable with.  I would never judge a parent for choosing to keep their kids home right now, especially not so openly and not care who I offend.  I don't agree with it or understand it, but that's not my place to tell them they are wrong.  

The difficulties of working and Emily doing remote learning are only one factor in why I wanted her to go to school this year.  I am way more concerned about her mental health and her emotional well being than I am about the virus, which so far has largely not affected children the way it does adults.  With the stay at home orders, and not seeing her dad or his family for all those months, and even now with not much being open, she and I have been together a LOT.  Don't get me wrong, I love her to the moon and back, I would give my life to protect hers.  But it is not always healthy to have that much contact with someone, and virtually no contact with anyone else or the outside world, and I have seen it manifest these last 6 months,

She's much quicker to do bad things that she knows better than, but does them anyway because she wants attention.  Because 6-year-olds don't thrive by being alone (for all intents and purposes) and having to entertain themselves for 7 hours a day.  They don't understand adult problems of needing to work and needing to concentrate on said work.  They don't understand why they cannot see their friends, or go to school, or see their dad or other grandparents.  They don't understand why they can't go to their swim lessons, or why we suddenly have to wear masks every place we go.  Sure, I explained things to her as best I could for her age, so she knows the what and why, but she doesn't grasp the concept.  It's hard enough for us adults to wrap our heads around the last 6 months, let alone a young child.  

My stepmom noticed that I have been extra sensitive lately about my daughter climbing on me, and coming up and grabbing me or jumping on me.  Now granted, she does often hurt me when she just hurls her 50lb body onto me with no regard for where her knees and elbows are going.  But it's more than just being hurt by an errant knee...it's an annoyance.  It's an aggravation that she's physically in my face and bugging me.  But when my stepmom pointed this out, it dawned on me that wow....yes I have been very irritated with her, and very much wanting my own space.  I thought to myself, when did that happen?  Because I've ALWAYS loved her snuggles...since she could pull herself to stand, she would often hold my foot when I was sitting in the recliner.  If she was singing or stopped to watch tv, or talk to me, she held my barefoot.  I loved it, I know it's weird, but I absolutely loved it.  

But in the last year or two, she has stopped doing that and it made me sad.  She almost never falls asleep on me anymore, and she doesn't snuggle much which makes me sad.  So why was I so irritated by her being near me and climbing on me?  You'd think I would take anything I could get.  But that's when it hit me...I think I've only been this way since the quarantine began.  With the exceptions of her spending a day or night here and there with my parents, it was me and Em together, all day, every day.  Most of that time I was spending trying to work, and trying to get used to her being home all day, rather than working in a quiet house while she was at school.  

I do NOT want to be this way.  I do not want to be annoyed by my daughter and frustrated that she wants to play with me or get my attention.  It really really bothered me when I realized that is why I have been so extra irritated lately.  Between worries about our country's fate, dealing with the lockdown, trying to start and maintain a new relationship that has it's own struggles due to the pandemic, worrying about my job, trying to be a good employee and getting my work done and doing it well, worrying about how to handle her school and how to handle remote learning before we decided to go private....it's all just weighing on me and my nerves are shot.  

Once I made the realization that that is why I have been so on edge lately regarding interaction with my daughter, I have also noticed how much better things are since she's been back to school.  Every day this week she has come home and happily ran outside to play with her friend next door.  And I'm talking for hours.  On the days she is home when I am working, she doesn't feel the need to vie for my attention because it's not all day every day that she is home while I'm working anymore.  She gets so excited to go to her dad's and see her cousins and play with her toys over there and every day she's so excited to go to school.  The other day we stayed after school for a bit so she could play on the playground, and while sitting in the sandbox she just randomly declared, I love this school!  

With the exception of the month I was furloughed, we still got up every day at a decent time so I could start working.  But now that we're back to school, we have to now get ready right away, get dressed, gather her things and get out the door by a certain time.  Kids thrive on routine, and structure....even though we were getting up at 7:30 most days anyway, she often just sat around watching tv, playing, staying in her jammies for hours or even the whole day.  But now that we're back to a structured schedule every day, I've seen a change in her and myself.  

So yeah, working from home and having her home all day was hard.  But that doesn't mean I don't love my kid, or I don't want to be bothered with her.  And it scared me how irritated and frustrated I was getting with her.  It may be normal and expected in this situation, but that doesn't make it any easier on a 6-year-old for their mom to be so stressed out.  I sent her back to school because I can be a better mother to her when I don't have 8000 things on my plate.  I sent her back to school because I love her so much.  And it just makes me so angry and hurt that anyone, much less family, would assume it is because we don't care.  Parenting is hard enough, let's keep our judgments to ourselves, and understand that not everyone does things the same way, and that's ok.  

Making changes

 So week two of school is in the books, and I am happy to say Em has only wet the bed one day out of the last 5 or so.  So I think maybe we're almost done with that, as she gets adjusted to school again and all the differences this year.

She is loving school, and she has friends.  I had to laugh, the other day she wore a sleeveless dress with a sweater over it.  She said she would take the sweater off if she got hot, but I told her no, that's not what the sweater is for.  Despite not having uniforms, her school does have a dress code and it is a little on the conservative side of course, which means no sleeveless shirts or dresses.  

So I'm waiting for her at pick up, and she comes out with her sweater draped over her arm, just rockin' her sleeveless dress like a boss, lol.  Sigh, what am I going to do with her?  I think they are fairly relaxed though, and maybe only enforce certain rules if they are extreme.  Like, there is a huge difference between a 6-year-old wearing a wide strapped sleeveless Minnie Mouse dress, and an 8th grader wearing a tight tank top with spaghetti straps.  The dress code also says no leggings, and I saw at least 3 little girls wearing leggings.  But again, there is a difference between a little girl wearing leggings, which is basically the staple of little girl clothing (or soft pants as Em calls them) and an older girl wearing leggings that should not be worn as pants.  

So I had a discussion with Ryan today that I've kind of been dreading.  Up until now, we've still done a lot of things together, as a family.  Last year we took Emily trick or treating together and then went to dinner afterward, we take her out to dinner on her birthday in addition to having a joint party (except for this year of course), he comes over as soon as we wake up on Christmas morning to watch her open her presents, and occasionally we just go out to dinner, so she can spend time with both her parents together.

This was important when we first split.  She was only 4, and despite us not working out, she still deserved to be able to sometimes see her parents together in the same place.  It's also good to show her that we can be a united front for her and that we can get along, despite past arguments and the fact that we (I) don't want to be married anymore.  But, she's 6 now, it's been 2.5 years, and I have a boyfriend now.  It's time that we start moving apart a little.  We'll still do joint birthday parties as long as it makes sense and goes smoothly, but I think we should start separating things like Halloween, and save the dinners for only very special occasions, like maybe after she's had a big recital in the future or something like that, or to celebrate moving on to middle school, etc.  

It went better than I figured.  He seemed a little unsure why I wanted this, but we didn't fight and he didn't protest really.  I was also impressed that he didn't play the "is this because of your boyfriend" card.  Which the answer to that would have been....a little.  Like I said, we're still her parents, and she will still see use together at certain events, but we're not married anymore, we're not living together anymore, so it's time to stop doing every single thing together as if we are.

There is a fine line between doing together things for the sake of your kid, and pretending to still be a family and making your new significant other feel weird.  Not that he has told me I cannot, and quite frankly how we handle holidays and how often we do things with our ex's hasn't even come up yet, but even when it does, I am certain he wouldn't pull the macho card and say I cannot ever do things with him for Emily.  I'm sure he occasionally has to co-exist with his ex's in the same space from time to time.  On Father's Day he sent me a pic of him and all 3 of his kids together.  Since they are from two different marriages, they obviously had to gather at one house for them all to be together, so more than likely they had a Father's Day get together at one of his ex's houses.  Which I am totally fine with and it's expected, but I cannot say I would be too geeked about frequent outings and dinners and trips to the zoo with his ex and their kid(s) like we were doing up until now.   

He's been doing the co-parenting thing for a lot longer than I have, so I am sure he completely understands that there are some things that you absolutely should do with your ex for the sake of your child, and like it or not, our ex's are in our lives forever.  His one ex also has a serious boyfriend, so he also understands the role of being dad to your child that doesn't live with you, and you have to co-exist with your ex and her boyfriend and deal with the potential landmines that come with that.  

I can't speak for how Ryan will be, but I know Anthony will be very mature and kind and understanding when it comes to navigating things with the "new boyfriend and the dad" territory.  I can't say I am jumping up and down at the idea of them meeting one day, but if hurt feelings and territorial feelings can be put aside some, I think Ryan would actually really like him and they could maybe, someday even get along.  Anthony has told me several times that he wants to be the best man he can be for my daughter, and love her just as he would his own.  But he also understands that she has a dad, and he has no interest in stepping on his toes because he knows exactly how hard it can be to see another man around his child more than he is. For all intents and purposes, his ex's boyfriend is raising his child because he is there, in the custodial parent's home, with his child, where Anthony is not.  So I am sure he will be very empathetic to what Ryan is feeling regarding him.  So hopefully, even if things are icy at first whenever they meet, maybe down the road, they can at least be civil and get along, and maybe even kind of sort of be friends...in the loosest sense of the word of course.  I really don't want my boyfriend and my ex-husband hanging out though, lol.  

So, Halloween falls on my weekend this year, but in an effort to start separating things and taking turns with holidays each year, I said he can have Emily this year to trick or treat in his neighborhood (ie without me and without a family dinner afterward).  It's dad's year for halloween anyway according to our county's parenting schedule, so that works out well.  I mean, we can set our own schedule as long as we both agree, but if we're going to start separating these things, it kind of makes sense to follow the schedule to figure out who starts it off.  Besides, as the one making the move to separate things, I figure I will extend the olive branch and let him have her this year.  

Halloween really is the easiest anyway.  There are so many Halloween events, we're going to one a couple weeks before anyway.  I am not sure what trick or treating will look like this year, but hopefully, enough people will pass out candy to make it worthwhile.  Especially after the rainy, cold night, we had last year.  

I'm not sure what to do about Christmas.  Maaaybe this year can stay the same, but if all goes well, I am sure next year will have to change.  Right now it works out great that I have her on Christmas eve which is when my family celebrates, she goes to sleep at my house and then Ryan comes over when we wake up to watch her open presents, and then she gets ready and goes with him to spend the day with him and his family.  I don't know how Anthony and I will fit into each other's plans this Christmas....it seems so far, but also so close at the same time, it's only 3.5 months away.  I don't know if we will have met kids yet by then, and I am not sure what he does with which of his kids, and when we'll each be available to see each other.  So like I said, this year might be business as usual, but if things progress with Anthony and we get more and more serious, by next year surely we will be spending Christmas together.

Maybe one day it will be cool if Ryan still comes in the morning to watch Em open presents...and is comfortable to come over to what may likely be me and Anthony's house by then....but that comfort level probably won't be there by next year already, so we'll have to make up things as we go.  But I think it's going well...Ryan seemed not thrilled, but ok with the idea of beginning to separate things more, and after 2.5 years and kind of easing her into it with fewer dinners and get-togethers here and there over time, I think Em is good with it too.  See, nothing to this co-parenting thing.  Haha, yeah right.  

Regressing

 I forgot to write about this.  So Emily finally night trained back in February and has been wearing underwear to bed since then.  She has the occasional accident, but it happens so rarely I think it's a very normal amount for a newly night trained kid.  

But, just in the last 2-3 weeks she has had at least 6-7 accidents.  I don't know, I lost count.  I am pretty certain it is related to stress and anxiety over going back to school for the first time since March, school having a lot of new rules this year, and going to a new school.  That's a lot of change for a kid.  

When she was 4 and still in pulls up at night, she was almost ready then to go to underwear.  She was dry 4-6 mornings per week, so I think had we switched to underwear right then she would have been ready way back then.  But almost immediately after Ryan moved out, she regressed and was wet almost every morning  So, she's quite prone to regressing during big changes, as most kids are I would assume.

But, I don't know what to do.  She finished her first week of school....sort of.  Monday was a half-day, she stayed home sick yesterday and she's off for the holiday today.  But she likes it, she's excited to go each day and says she doesn't miss Kindergarten at all.  She's got a couple friends, so despite being a new school, it was familiar at least since she went there for half of pre-school.  

I'm hoping once she gets in another week of school, things can go back to normal and she'll stop wetting the bed.  But what do I do in the meantime?  Just keep washing sheets all the time?  I don't think going back to pull-ups is the answer after being out of them for 6 months.  She might depend on them again and regress further.  I've been cutting off liquids an hour before bedtime and she goes potty right before bed.  But we've been doing that all this time too, and it's never been an issue.  

I guess I will just buy stock in laundry detergent and just wait it out.  If she hasn't improved in another week or two, I'll call her doctor.  I know there are some physical reasons why she could be doing this too, so if it doesn't go away as she gets more settled in with school, I'll check that route.  Ugh, the fun never ends!

Back to school

 Emily started back to school on Monday....and she's already home sick today.  Because of Covid restrictions, they gave us a whole list of symptoms and if we say yes to even one, we have to keep them home....she didn't have any on the list except for runny nose/congestion.  I do understand the caution, but at the same time, kids get colds and sniffles all the time.  According to my FB memories, she had something very similar by the 2nd or 3rd day of school last year too.  

Plus, I feel like we've magnified the normal petri dish that is school since we've all basically been home and/or wearing masks for the last 5 months.  So of course the moment she goes back to school, bam...germs and sickness.  It's not an entirely awful thing to have kept her home today.  She is clearly not feeling well, and she's been on the couch with a blanket and pillow for hours since she woke up.  She's normally bouncing off the walls, so I know she feels blah.  

But it just makes me wonder about the rest of the year.  I am sure everyone is on high alert right now being the first week, but do we seriously have to keep them home every single time they have the sniffles?  I mean, what if it's just allergies?  They have to miss school after already missing so much, because of allergies?  Like I said, maybe in a few weeks or months, things will relax and they won't pull out the pitchforks for sending them to school with a runny nose (she doesn't have a fever) but it makes me nervous.

How do you even qualify when the kid is well enough to go back?  The checklist says they have to be fever-free for 48 hours with no meds before returning.  Wellll, she doesn't have a fever, and it says if you can say yes to even one of the symptoms listed, they have to stay home.  Most common colds run at least a few days.  It's fine right now since she's got tomorrow and Monday off for Labor Day anyway, but what if it was a normal week?  Is she seriously supposed to miss 3+ days of school for a cold???

 I guess we'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.  Regardless, I am very thankful she can go in-person and our governor didn't take us back a phase so she'd have to go online (knock on wood).  She did great on her first day, her dad and I took her to school together.  Due to social distancing, they cannot go in the same door they used to...each class goes in and out their own classroom fire door, but first graders actually go in the double glass doors, and then they are dismissed out of the second grade fire door.  So that was a little confusing, but we've got it down now.  She only has to wear a mask going in and out of school, and in common areas.  She gets to go outside for recess and they don't have to wear masks for that, and she has two friends in her class that she went to preschool with, and one friend from her public school.  So I'm so happy she has some familiar faces and friends.  

As sad as I am that she can't go to her regular school, I am actually very glad we decided to go this route so she could go in person.  Remote learning is very different from how it was in the spring.  Back then, she had videos to watch whenever we had the time and worksheets to work on.  But now, the day is structured and starts at 9 and ends at 4 and they have to be on zoom most of that day, learning in real-time along with their teacher.  So it's a lot more like in-class school, just online.  

While I think that is better for the students, it would have been impossible for me to do and work at the same time.  Six years old is too young to expect her to be able to be on zoom for 7 hours a day and focus on what the teacher is saying and doing.  I would have been interrupted constantly if she needed help, or to get her to focus and pay attention, and just all of that going on would have made it hard for me to focus on my work.  I don't know if they would have had homework in addition to being online all day, but with that set up it would have been almost impossible for her dad to have helped at all since he works days as well.  So it all would have fallen on me.  Yeah, that would not have worked.  

And today the district posted on FB some suggestions of where people can go for wifi if they don't have internet at home...the district gave out Chromebooks for every student but is not providing internet for those that don't have it.  Um, you expect kids of all ages to go sit and McDonalds or something all day to do remote learning?  And it's not safe to go to school, but they can go sit in a fast-food restaurant to get wifi?  Ummmm, ok.  

So for my last weekend with her for the summer, we went up north with my stepmom, and my dad was already up there.  I worked extra all the other days so I could just work a couple hours that Friday and then we hit the road around 2 and then I took Monday off.  We didn't get there till about 5:30, so we ate dinner and just hung out that night.  The next day we went to the beach.  It was a beautiful day, not too crazy hot, and while the water was freezing at first, once you got used to it it was like bathwater.  Lake Michigan can get quite cold, so you just never know if it will be warm enough to swim.  There have been days where it's so cold you just cannot get used to it and your body aches from the cold.  

I also successfully used my beach umbrella for the first time.  For some reason, for the last few years, I do nothing but burn.  I used to tan...like a lot.  As a teenager working at a city pool, I would get so dark in the summer my brother teased me that I looked dirty, lol.  And I'm blonde, so it's kind of uncommon for a blonde with fair skin to tan so well.  But now, even when I put on sunblock I still burn, and twice in the last couple years I've gotten really bad burns.  So I bought the umbrella to help avoid that since obviously subblock alone wasn't enough.  But last year I couldn't get it to work....I set it up and screwed it into the sand and within a minute the wind yanked it out.  I had to go running after it which is super embarrassing, and I was so worried it would hit someone or stab someone, lol.  

Thankfully this guy saw it flying and he jumped up and grabbed it for me.  If that were TV, I could have said thanks....you wanna get a drink later?  Haha, I could never do that in real life, unless maybe I was drunk.  But this year I got it screwed in enough that it stayed put, yay!  The waves were pretty big that day so Em had a blast jumping the waves.  Next summer I'll have to take her in the evening sometime and we can jump the big big waves.  That's when my dad always took us because he wanted to get whatever work he was doing for the day done first.  So it wasn't as hot anymore, but at least it was less crowded and the huge waves were so much fun.  I don't think most people realize just how much like the ocean the Great Lakes can be.  And shark-free, so even better!  And you don't get a mouthful of saltwater with every crashing wave.  

After the beach, we got ice cream and then headed back for dinner.  The next day, Sunday the four of us went to this petting farm nearby.  It was really cool....I'd seen advertisements for it for a while, and finally made plans to go.  It was rather big, they had a lot of cool animals and some interactive stuff like a steel "horse" with a saddle you could sit on and try roping a steel calf, and they had some play equipment, and one of those carnival games where you hit the target with a sledgehammer and try getting the weight up to the bell.  I failed miserably.  My dad was disappointed he couldn't ring the bell like he used to.  Um dad, you are almost 71....the fact that you can still swing the sledgehammer is pretty damn good I think.  

It was all outside except for the gift shop, so most of the time we didn't have to wear masks.  It felt like a nice, normal day.  They had a tiny carousel that Em and I went on, and then there was this little train where each car was like a barrel.  My dad tried to go on it with Em, but he couldn't get his legs into it and she was already in and agreed to go alone.  I was amazed that she did it.  She's my little shadow and doesn't like to do things like that alone, especially in this case where the train totally left the area and was out of our sight for a few minutes.  I think it helped that she was already committed when my dad realized he couldn't go.  

My dad brought mine and Emily's bike up for us since he had room to bring it, and my car does not have a hitch for my bike carrier (my old lease did, I miss it).  There is a nice bike/walking trail that goes through a wooded area that I wanted to take Em to.  It turned out not to be the best-laid plan....we didn't have time to ride until Monday before we left to go home, and I would still have to jam my bike into the cargo area of my car to get to the trail.  It can be done, but it's not easy.  Especially given how short of a distance and how slow Emily can ride, I decided it wasn't really worth it fighting to get my bike in and out, and then again to leave the trail.  Plus, we were tight on time, and as it was we barely had enough time to go into town after breakfast and shop for a birthday present for her dad before coming back, packing, and getting on the road.  

We checked several stores before I finally found a few funny things to get him, and I also picked him up some sausage from the grocery store there.  He loved the sausage from the other store in town, but they closed last year for good, so I got some from the one that's still open.  No word yet if it's similar to the stuff he loved.  I thought when I got divorced, I wouldn't have to keep buying gifts for him, but of course, I've got to help Emily shop for a gift from her. 

But a big reason I didn't attempt to ride bikes was, the night before my dad and I watched this show called I'm Alive, where people are in life or death situations and they survive.  Given the title, I thought it would be a happy ending.  So this woman and her two kids went someplace to visit her brother I think, and before they left, the 3 of them hiked through the woods to this waterfall that was a tourist attraction.  There was another family there too, and suddenly the woman looked over and there was a black bear, and it had her 3-year-old son in its grasp, attacking him.  Her daughter was off playing in the water, and she ran over to save her son.

Long story short, she got the boy away from the bear, but then the bear began attacking her.  She yelled to the other family to save her children while she tried fending off the bear.  They ran off, and she pretty much accepted that she was going to die there, but at least her children were safe.  So the other family found a ranger and they went out to find the woman.  They found her, she was still alive, barely, and the bear was gone.  But then they said....the daughter was still out there somewhere and they didn't know where she was.

Fuck, I thought for sure that that other family managed to escape with both kids and they were safe.  So they got the woman in an ambulance and headed to the hospital and then they went out to search for the little girl.  They came across the bear....and the little girl, she was dead.  Omg, I was not ready for that.  And come to find out, she was 6 like Emmy!  I thought she was older because the girl playing her in the reenactment looked older.  Still heartbreaking of course, but I cannot stand to hear of anything tragic happening to kids Em's age.  It tears me up.  

So, the girl was already dead.  Ugh, what an awful show.  I had no idea it was going to have such an awful ending.  So....yeah, that's kind of the main reason I didn't want to go ride bikes through the woods the next day.  I know it's kind of ridiculous, most of Michigan's bears are in the UP, and even the ones we do have in the lower peninsula are surely much further north than we were.  But after watching that, I just couldn't happily take my 6 year old on a bike ride through the woods, lol.  Besides, it wouldn't have worked out well for the other reasons anyway.  

I think next time I want to bike, we'll bring my dad's Mountaineer since it has a hitch.  Then I can transport them there myself, and easily take them to a from the trail as well.  Maybe next year I can get a hitch added to my new lease.  I know I cannot afford the trim level that has one, and I am not paying $600 for the tow package for a vehicle I don't even own.  Uhaul will put a hitch on for $100, which I think is worth it even though I'll only have it for 3 years...$35ish per year isn't bad.  But I am not sure if I'm allowed to modify a lease like that.  We'll see.  

I'm off to check on my little patient.  

Day 154

 Ok, so I know the official lockdown has been lifted for a while now, but things are still so far from normal so I'm still counting.  Movie theaters are still closed, a lot of restaurants, gyms, museums...so there really isn't much to do yet so it's still sort of like lockdown.

We haven't done much to catch up on, but Emily did have her first (and second) visit from the tooth fairy.  I am so glad she lost her first one home with me, I was so excited to play tooth fairy and it went off without a hitch.  I was nervous about waking her up or her catching me.  I just happened to have cash on me, which was $5.  I probably would have done more for the first tooth, but $5 was what I had so that's what she got.  Which is good because I somehow let the other tooth fairy talk me into $5.00 for each tooth, ugh!  Which is why I am glad she lost her second tooth at his house :)

Years ago, probably when she was still a baby, I had bought her this tiny silver box to put her tooth in.  It's silver and has a pink tooth fairy on the top.  So she puts her tooth in there, the tooth fairy takes it, removes the tooth and leaves her empty box for her along with the money.  It's funny because she seems to be starting to get skeptical about Santa, but she totally believes in her.  Man, I still remember when those tiny teeth first came in.  She cut her first tooth around 9 months.  How is she old enough to lose them already?!?  I can't wait till her top teeth fall out, she'll be so adorable!

So Father's Day weekend she started going back to her dad's again and has been going every other weekend since.  It feels so good to be back in old routines, even if things are very different now in every other way.  She actually stayed the following week as well.  I missed her so much, but her Nana helped her call me every other night, so that helped.  The week she was gone I took off work and my dad came over and retiled my bathroom.  Or he got started at least.  Here we are, two months later and still not done yet.  But stuff keeps coming up, but it is now about 90% done, so hopefully soon.  I can't wait till it's done and my house can stop looking like a construction zone.  

So Emily's school district voted on how to return this fall.  They had originally said they would follow a plan for whatever phase our state is in.  Phase 1-3 would be all online, phase 4 would be hybrid which is 2 days in school and 3 days online, and phases 5 and 6 would be all in-person.  We're in phase 4, so I had made my peace with a hybrid plan.  I didn't like it, but I figured 2 days at school was better than none, and her dad and I could trade off, helping her with her school work each week.  I'd do two days one week and he'd do one, and then the following week he'd do two and I'd do one....or at least that was MY plan.  His input was a little less than helpful but I digress.  

But just this week, the school board voted 6-1 to start the first 9 weeks online.  Ugh.  But on top of that, I am not optimistic that it will only last 9 weeks...I am sure the entire fall term is shot, and possibly part of or all of winter/spring as well.  I do not agree with it at all.  Yes, I love my daughter.  Unless you're a monster, everyone loves their kids and would give their own life to protect theirs.  But I am really not worried about Covid.  Like at all.  Kids have been largely unaffected by it, the vast majority that does get it are asymptomatic or have a very mild case.  

What I am worried about is her education.  And her mental health.  And her socialization.  We're going on month 5 of basically being home just about every day.  That is not good for anyone.  We've gone out for dinner a couple times, but that's not in the budget to do all the time anyway, and we make trips to Target and Home Depot, but even that is donning masks which just breaks my heart to see her with a mask on.  I resisted it till the very end until our Governor made it mandatory that everyone wears them in public.  I hate it, but I also cannot spend all day trying to find places I can go without one and/or face the chance that some crazy person will attack me, even just verbally in front of Em, for not wearing one.

I'm not insensitive to the fact that some people are vulnerable to Covid and some people have died.  That's very sad, any life lost is sad.  But 6 months ago, if anyone went to a therapist and said, doctor....I don't want to leave the house because I am afraid of illnesses, or being in a car accident, or insert X event here that can harm you or take your life.  They tell them they only do online ordering, they don't see friends and family, they keep their child home from school because they're so afraid.  The therapist would probably be very concerned and potentially diagnose them as being paranoid and agoraphobic.  But now suddenly, it's totally acceptable to ruin people's small businesses, damage our mental health, ruin relationships, and turn the world upside down for a virus that has a very very high survivability rate.  I just don't understand.  

I am way more scared of car accidents, and childhood cancer, and bullying, and abductors, and dog attacks, and pretty much anything other than Covid.  Back when I was pregnant with Emily, I was very scared.  Not only of losing her the same way I lost Kayla, but of the million other ways I had since learned can take your unborn baby.  One day my therapist said to me Amy....you probably drove here today, not overly concerned or even thinking about the possibility that a drunk driver could hit you and seriously hurt and kill you.  I said you're right, I didn't.  And he said if you stopped at a store, you probably went in and bought your things and didn't even give it a second thought that some crazy person could come in and shoot everyone.  Both of those things were possible but probably wouldn't happen.  

So he encouraged me to view my pregnancy in the same way.  You cannot live in fear of what if.  And he didn't tell me this to minimize my fear or trivialize it.  I had very good reason to be fearful, and he understood that.  But he was trying to offer me perspective so that I could realize that my past did not dictate my future, and just because something bad can happen, it doesn't mean it will.  It definitely helped me to have some very good days and not worry, and it helped me worry a little less on my very bad days.  So when I say these things about so many other bad things happening that we don't hide in our homes from, I don't say it out of judgment (Ok I admit, I do judge people wearing a mask, driving alone in their own car) or thinking people are nuts.  I would imagine each person that is very scared of Covid has their own reasons for being so.  But to offer some perspective, and try to help people realize that the repercussions of staying homebound for too long can and often will be more detrimental than the virus itself.  Maybe it doesn't do any good, but you never know how your words might stick with someone.

So, Ryan and I talked and we agreed to send Emily back to the private school that she attended for the second half of her preschool year.  It was a hard decision because Ryan really wanted her to stay there for K-8.  But, while we were still married, we were always on the same page about her school.  He went to that school and he always said how much he hated private school and we were in agreement that she'd attend public school.  But as soon as we separated, he was pro-private school.  I am not, for the very big reason of, we cannot afford it.  

Even if we could, I really see no point in spending that kind of money on K-12 when she can get a perfectly good education in public school for free.  Not paying for school now also means we can be better financially prepared to help pay or pay for all of college through undergrad, which would be way more beneficial to her future than paying for private school.  I mean, the way I see it, paying for private school is like saying you can buy this brand new 2021 vehicle for $500 (just a random amount to represent school taxes everyone pays regardless) or you can buy this identical vehicle for $500, plus $30,000.  Um, seems like a no brainer, right?

Now, I do understand that in some places if the public school system isn't good, it may be beneficial for parents to send their kids to private school.  But our public school system is fine, and I wholeheartedly agree that you get out of school what you put into it.  My brother and I went to public school and we both have a Master's Degree.  My ex-husband went to private school and he doesn't have any schooling past high school.  And there isn't anything inherently wrong with that, college isn't for everybody.  But my point it, private school didn't take someone like him who didn't like school and had no interest in going to college and make him an all-star student who suddenly decided to go for their PhD.  Just like public school did not keep people like my brother and me who liked school well enough and aspired to go on for more education from pursuing our goals.

Ok, rant over.  But that's the main thing, we cannot afford it.  He talked about all these ways in which we could get free or drastically reduced tuition, but that would be on a year to year basis.  I do not want to spend the next 11 years not knowing where Emily will go to school next year, and risking having to pull her out in the 5th or 7th or whatever grade because we cannot swing it that year.  I know people change jobs and move and stuff and their kids have to change schools, but why risk that if you don't have to?  So anyway, it'll likely be a fight next summer because he will want her to continue there, but if the world is back to normal next year and she can go back to her public school then that is my vote.  But I think it's a rule that you have to fight with your ex-husband about something, might as well have a pre-determined topic all picked out!

But..., I chose to let her go to private school this year because I need her to go to school.  She needs to go to school.  She needs routine, she needs a teacher who is qualified and can actually teach things in a way she can understand and not get frustrated because she is also trying to work her full-time job, because oh that's right, teaching is their full-time job.  She needs to be with other kids, and have fun.  I feel so awful for her every day, stuck at home with me, having to entertain herself for hours at a time, all day every day.  I find it funny that pre-pandemic the general attitude was "teachers are so wonderful!  They help shape our children's lives, they are our children's future, they are so valuable".  Now?  "Literally any old idiot can teach their kid at home".

So the private school is offering the choice of in-person or online right now.  If our Governor takes us back to phase 3, we will have to go online even there, but they will offer a latchkey program that Emily can attend since Ryan and I are both deemed essential workers.  I hope that doesn't happen because I would prefer she is in school, learning 1st-grade curriculum, but at least that is better than home every day with me, bored while I'm working and getting no social interaction.

  

1st grade here we come!

I officially have a first grader!  Thank the lord, homeschool is over...for now.  I pray that school can resume as normal in the fall.  Her last day of school was this past Friday but she didn't have any actual work to do, just a zoom meeting with her teacher and her class.  I'm so sad she missed out on the last 3 months of having such a great teacher.  But at the same time, with a less capable teacher, she might not have gotten as good of online instruction. 

The first-grade teachers also popped onto the zoom meeting so we could "meet them".   We haven't been told yet which one she will have but they all seem nice.  But I know her teacher has been chosen because her K teacher said she talked to her new one and they worked it out so that her best friend Amelia will also be in the same class as her.  That's so awesome that they did that, it'll no doubt be a little scary to go into 1st grade in the fall without having finished kindergarten like normal, so being able to see her best friend in the same class should be a huge comfort. 

I am sure it cannot be done 100% since certain kids may do better with certain teachers, but I think it would be very cool if they could just send the entire class onto the same teacher as best they can.  Try to create as much normalcy and familiarity as they can for the kids.  But, thankfully kids are stronger and more resilient than we give them credit for.  Their kindergarten year may stick in their heads a little more than usual due to how the year ended, but luckily they shouldn't be able to remember a ton of this year.  I can really only remember bits and pieces of kindergarten that probably don't even add up to a full day.  Even as high as second and third grade are a blur to me. 

I really hope they don't make them wear masks in the fall.  I know all the experts disagree with one another, but I have read that it is not recommended and even unsafe for children to wear a mask for extended amounts of time.  I'm not a doctor but it makes sense to me that it wouldn't be safe.  Just the 15-20 minutes I wear one to a store, I breathe a lot faster and more shallow and it's hot.  I can't imagine wearing one for 7 hours a day in school, especially as a child who does not have the same thought process and discipline an adult does.  Their bodies are also still developing and I just do not think it is ok. 

So, good news, Ryan will begin taking Emily again Father's Day weekend.  Thank God!  I am glad about this for many reasons.  1. She needs to see her dad.  I've explained to her why he hasn't seen her, but surely that doesn't make it any easier on her.  2. Going to his house every other weekend will bring back a nice routine, and kids, especially mine thrive on routine.  It will also give me and her a nice break from each other so that we can enjoy our time together a lot more.  3. She'll get to see her grandparents again.  She has not seen anyone from his side of the family since March 15th and I know she misses them and they miss her like crazy.  In fact, her Nana has been dying to get her again and would have gladly taken her last weekend, but Ryan still said no, grrr.  But, just 8 more days and they can be reunited.  4. She misses her toys that are at his house.  I will admit, my only child is a typical spoiled only child.  She has a LOT of toys, and her dad's house is no exception.  And while there are a lot more serious things to cry boo-hoo about, she's bored and tired of her toys here.  She cannot wait to go play with all the toys she has there that she has been missing.  She will also get her birthday presents from her Nana and Papa and her aunt and uncle that she didn't get back in March.  And she'll get to swim.  My little water bug loves to swim....she will likely spend 95% of her days there in the pool. 

Now some news for me....I met someone!  Yes, I am that weirdo that manages to meet someone during a global pandemic.  It'll be a good story for the grandkids one day.  We met pretty much at the start of all of this, online of course.  I was doing the online thing, though I didn't have much faith in it.  I met a few guys from it years ago before I got married...one that turned into a Mr. Good enough for right now for 2-ish years, one that I dated for a couple months, a couple duds, and one that frightened me to my very core.  He was the epitome of online dating horror stories.  He used a fake picture...like it wasn't even an old pic or a more flattering than in-person pic.  It wasn't even remotely him.  And the real him looked like someone that probably has people tied up in his basement.  I couldn't run fast enough. 

Anyway...despite my misgivings, I signed up for a few online dating sites last summer as more traditional ways of meeting people don't work so well for me.  I mostly work from home, and when I do go into the office, the very few guys there are at least 11+ years my junior.  No thanks.  I don't go to bars often and even when I do, I've never had any desire or hope to meet a potential long term boyfriend at a bar.  That basically leaves a single dad at Emily's school (whoops, that doesn't work when school gets canceled, or the off chance of meeting someone at the grocery store.  I did Match a few times and tried a couple others that I ended up leaving because they sucked, and I had a profile on FB dating continuously since it was free.  I got several likes over the months on there....but out of say 50 likes, only 3-5 were guys I would consider responding to and they usually went quiet after I liked them back.  FB dating had a lot less detail than other sites, so I never sent a "like".  I don't know, it intimidated me...not knowing what kind of girl someone might like.  I preferred to just let them come to me if they were interested.

Plus, on Match, I did send a decent amount of likes, but NEVER got a response.  And I am not exaggerating, I mean never.  Not one.  So one day I was scrolling FB dating.  Some profiles I hit the X right away, some I read because they were entertaining, and even fewer piqued my interest.  But even of those, I hit the X anyway.  But then I came across Anthony's profile.  I clearly remember saying out loud to an empty room, "holy shit this guy is gorgeous".  He was exactly my type...I love the blue-collar, down to earth, truck driving, jeans and t-shirt kinda guy. 

I can fit in in several different settings...I have a white-collar job, a Master's degree, and my grammar and vocabulary probably make me sound more book smart than I am.  I can clean it up and be very presentable when I need to be and I like dressing up a bit and putting on heels for work.  I may not be a genius, but I feel like I can speak pretty intelligently and I can hold my own in a conversation or a debate.  But I consider myself to be way more gifted in the common sense department than book knowledge, I cuss like a sailor when appropriate and I am totally at home chilling in flip flops, jeans, and a tee, going up north, and hanging with my dad and uncles.  Despite being a girly girl in some ways, I'm also very much a down to earth, simple, tom-boy kinda girl...and he looked like my exact type, like someone 3D printed my perfect guy.  His profile didn't even have a ton of info other than what city he lived in, the fact that he has kids, and is my age.  I went back and forth for a few, but ultimately decided I HAD to like him, I just couldn't pass him by.  There was just something about him that I had to pursue.

Much to my surprise, he replied within half an hour.  Color me shocked.  I had never gotten a reply from someone, much less someone I was so interested in.  So I checked my message and he asked, no pics?  My heart sank.  Oh...that's why he replied, he hadn't seen my pics yet.  Now, I know I am not completely unfortunate looking.  Some days I am actually quite pleased with what I see in the mirror.  But I have never had exceptionally high self-esteem despite not really having any reason not to...I've always done pretty decent in my dating life...I was never that poor girl who held up the wall at school dances.  But in the last few years, my self-esteem has taken a huge nose-dive, even more than usual.  I'm older, I've gained weight, and I spent way too many years in a bad marriage where I was constantly made to feel bad and never got support. 

When he said the pics were coming up now, I fully expected to not hear from him again.  So when he replied with "my goodness you're gorgeous", I nearly fell out of my chair (I think it's cute that we both used the same adjective in our initial impressions of one another).  Between the dating app, text, and a phone call we talked for 12 hours, finally saying goodbye at 5:30 the next morning!  I could not believe how much he and I had in common, and how many traits he has that I was looking for.  And they weren't just the typical traits that most people want like nice, funny, kind, honest, etc.
   
We both agreed that we had to meet, and couldn't wait until the pandemic was over.  He was laid off and I was working exclusively from home and we were avoiding other people as best we could and neither one of us was sick, so we decided to meet two days later.  Now normally when I am talking to a guy, even if I like him well enough, I often hope something happens to end up canceling our meeting.  Then I think to myself, how am I ever going to meet someone when I am thrilled that a date gets canceled?  But I was sooo excited about our plans to meet and had he canceled I would have been really bummed.  Our "first date" was sitting in my car in a Starbucks parking lot, lol.  He arrived right on time, thankfully looked like his pictures and his personality was just as if not even better in person.  He was a perfect gentleman, we just talked and held hands and I was a goner.  I was so in like and that is very rare for me to click with someone like that right away.  Most of my exes were people I was friends with first that I grew to like and love over time.  Even if I feel a physical attraction and like their personality, it often takes me a while to figure out if I like them in a romantic way but with him, it was just an instantaneous connection and we both said several times how we are like the male/female version of each other.

The other thing that amazed me was when he was telling me about his kids.  He has 3...two teenage girls and an 8-year-old son.  He was telling me that his two girls were with his first wife...but then he said well we actually had 3 but our first daughter died, she was stillborn.  H-o-l-y shit!  I remember that being one of the things that made me very sad about leaving Ryan, that I was losing the person that I had this bond with over Kayla, and how nobody else would ever understand what I went through and my love for her.  But Anthony has been through the exact same thing.  Kayla was born at 22 weeks, and his daughter was born at 20 weeks.  I mean, I know it happens sadly...I've met a lot of women who have been through it as well...but to meet a guy that I was so attracted to right from the very start, to feel this amazing connection with, and to share one of the most painful things we've ever been through....I was just amazed.  When I told my aunt about him, she said maybe our babies in Heaven made our paths cross.  I love that!

So, due to the lockdown and other factors like Emily being home a lot more, and his job that he got while he waited to get called back to his real job, we haven't gotten to see each other a ton so thank goodness for texting and phone calls.  But even the second time we saw each other, it felt like we had known each other for years...he just feels like home to me.  He started back to his real job last week, and with Emily going to her dad's again soon and the lockdown being lifted I am excited and looking forward to spending more time together!

Day 76

I've gotten a little behind on my writing.  I can't believe it is day 76 and we are still under our stay at home order.  I feel like we're kids that kept talking too much in time out and our Governor keeps giving us more time until we're quiet. 

Though honestly, a lot of that went by the wayside on May 1st.  Yes, the order is still in place, but it seems like very few people are adhering to it.  Once the weather got super nice, people were like peace out!  There used to be a very very obvious reduction in the number of cars on the road, but now the roads are just as packed as they were pre-pandemic, especially once the auto workers went back to work. 

We still cannot dine in at a restaurant, and I'm trying to avoid stores so I do mostly online orders and curbside pick up...my avoidance started because I was trying to avoid getting sick.  I've never been actually scared of the virus, but still if I can avoid getting sick in any way I will.  But now I avoid stores just because I don't want to deal with the hassle.  I don't know if it's because we've been stuck at home for so long or what but I now feel some anxiety when I do have to go to a store...like I'm becoming agoraphobic.  But honestly I think it's really more about it being a pain in the ass to go to a store. 

Trying to avoid people, making sure I don't cough or sneeze and get thrown in "covid jail", making sure to not get too close to people...not because I am all that worried about being too close and getting sick, but just in an effort to respect other people's comfort levels and to not be "that person" that goes against what is now socially acceptable and/or expected.  I wear a mask for that exact reason...not because I think it's protecting anyone all that much, but because it is expected and I don't want to deal with the hassle of being told I cannot come into a store I need to.  If I could wake up tomorrow and suddenly the world was as it was three months ago...no masks, no social distancing stickers on the floor, no sneeze guards everywhere, I would run my happy ass to Target and enjoy my shopping trip and browse stuff I don't need.

I feel like so much of this is all bullshit measures to create the illusion of safety but it's not really safe at all.  A couple weeks ago, Taco Bell started using a metal utensil cup to have you put your money or credit card in at the drive-thru window.  Um ok, but now the employee STILL has to touch my card to take it out of the cup to swipe it, and now I have to touch my card that has been in the cup that 1000 other cards have been in.  Again, I really don't think I am going to get covid from my card being in a cup...but that doesn't solve anything!  If the worker STILL has to touch your card, then it makes ZERO sense to put it in the cup, except now you're forcing me to touch my card that could have germs on it from everyone else's card.  The smart thing to do would be for the worker to actually take my card from me, swipe it and hand it back, and then change his gloves after each customer.

But nobody cares about doing what makes sense, they only care about taking all of these measures that will make the nervous netties feel better about being out in a big bad germy world. 

And I swear to God, the next person that claims kids should not go back to school in the fall is going to get punched in the face.  We have exactly 8 more days of homeschool (yes I am counting) and I could not be happier.  I thought it was absolutely insane to close schools for as long as they originally did but to also tack on spring break to the already long closure.  Then I thought it was even more insane to make the call to cancel school for the rest of the year in early April.  But to kick around the idea of not returning in the fall?!?!  Oh my God everyone has done lost their frickin mind!  Not even a part-time schedule is going to work where they propose two in-class days and three distance learning days.

No, it won't work.  End of discussion.  Yeah, theoretically I could make my two in-office days the two days Emily is in school.  Ok fine...but what about the other three days when she is home with me while I am trying to work, AND I have to facilitate and help her with her school work?  And I am one of the lucky ones...for people that have no choice but to leave their home to go to work, there is no way that will work.  Oh ok, let's keeps them out of school 3 days a week to cut down on the virus spreading, but now let's take those kids and put them in daycare on those days because their parents still have to work and cannot let their young kids run rampant at home alone with no supervision.  Fucking genius plan Einstein!  And if they're going to be in school two days anyway, why not just all five?   Kids are gross and disgusting.  It's not like they are going to not spread germs and be gross during those 2 days, but another 3 would guarantee infection.  I once put my hand in a pile of some other kids snot at the park!  You cannot avoid gross when it comes to kids. 

And why people think working from home is the be-all end-all solution is beyond me.  Yes, working from home can be great....I have no commute on those days, I can wear my pajamas, I can run downstairs for 5 minutes and throw laundry in.  But working from home STILL MEANS WORKING.  It does not mean I miraculously have more hours in the day, it does not mean I can sit there on the clock, not working and help my daughter with homework, and it does not mean I can somehow split my brain in two so I can focus on work and her homework simultaneously.  Whether you work in a big office building, a factory, or at home, you're still working and you still have to focus on your work. 

All these idiots on the FB comments section are like, well what do you do in the summer when kids are home?  Just do the same thing you do then.  Um, first of all, 3 months is NOT the same as 12 months.  Yeah, summer is very difficult to suddenly have to deal with Emily being home while I am working, but my dad and my ex-inlaws try to help out by each taking her one day a week (which by the way you're technically not supposed to do right now because of Covid).  Also, trying to concentrate on work and keeping Emily entertained during the summer is hard, but it's not as hard as doing those things AND having to do her school lessons with her.  And also, it's temporary.  Putting up with the struggles of summer is doable because the end is always near as fall fast approaches.

Then other idiots are like, you are the one that decided to have kids, it's your responsibility to figure out what to do with them...teachers aren't babysitters.  Yeah, because back in 2011 when I first starting trying to get pregnant, I really should have thought to myself now hold on, I do want to build a family and have kids, but I really should make sure I have a plan in place in case our entire country goes into lockdown for months on end and they cancel school indefinitely because of a virus that has a 98% recovery rate.  Man, how irresponsible of me to think that my kid wouldn't be going to school for some reason, despite the fact that kids have attended school without fail for over 100 years. 

I'm convinced that all these people that are pushing to not return to school in the fall either A. already homeschool their children, B. do not have kids or do not have young school-aged children or C. are a stay at home mom and can more easily juggle the kids being home and have time to do their school work with them.  Maybe they even welcome them being home because being a SAHM can be lonely as fuck. 

I'm not saying being a SAHM is easy...I did it for two years.  I've done all three options...SAHM, WAHM, and I've been a working outside the home mom.  They are all hard.  But, it is just a fact that trying to teach your kids their school work is 100 x harder when you are also trying to put in 35+ hours per week of work at the same time.  The caveat to that is being a SAHM but having three or more school-aged kids that need help with school work...I can see that being very very difficult as well. 

I have not been a good mom the past two months, and I hate it.  I want to be, but I am so damn stressed out, and Emily does not want to do the school work nor does she put much effort into it.  I am sure the FB know-it-alls would say oh well my kid is well-behaved and does fine with their work, so you must just be a bad mom.  My kid is very well behaved...but, she does not behave for me while doing schoolwork or put the same level of effort into her work at home like she would for her teacher, in a classroom setting, surrounded by her peers.  It has nothing to do with how good of a kid she is or how good of a mom I am.  It is just a fact, plain and simple.  Just like kids always behave better for grandma and grandpa.

Her dad still isn't taking her for his weekends...he hasn't seen her since March 24th.  My dad and stepmom try to help out by taking her 1-2 days a week, but it's still very hard being the only parent on duty, 24/7 for the better part of two months and counting...we can't go anywhere really, cannot do anything.  I'm trying to work and trying to get her schoolwork done and she's very resistant.  My nerves are shot.  I'm yelling at her and getting frustrated all the time.  I fucking hate this.  I've been back to work full time for a month now...I was only furloughed for a month, but even then I was still working 5-15 hours per week.  And two of those weeks Emily was on spring break for one week and it took them another week to get together a plan for school work after spring break.  So for the last 11 weeks, I only had 2 easier weeks where I had to do her lessons and I was working less than my usual hours.  And this is just one of the less severe consequences of keeping things shut down for so long...my issues obviously pale in comparison to people committing suicide, not having any income and not qualifying for unemployment, their small businesses going under, being stuck at home all day with their abusive spouse, etc, etc. 

Some days I feel like I woke up in a dream and the entire world has lost their damn minds.  I am so sorry for the people that have died and their families.  It's tragic, it really is.  But this is not the plague that is just ripping through society and killing everyone in its path.  Death is a very very sad and tragic part of life, and you cannot protect yourself from every possible risk, especially when the consequences of trying to do so are worse than the initial risk itself. 

I saw this video the other day of this grandma driving over to her grandkids' house.  Her daughter had made this plastic curtain with arm sleeves for both grandma and the kids so they could hug through this plastic wall.  People in the comment section were saying how beautiful it was and how touching it was.  I found it to be sad...sad and depressing.  This is not the new normal world I want to live in where people think they can only hug their grandchildren through a plastic curtain with sleeves.  It wasn't even the right height so grandma was basically hugging their heads. 

I get it, there are certain circumstances where people do need to take precautions.  And while I do not know what underlying issues this woman may have had, she did drive herself there, and walked very effortlessly and unassisted over to this "hugging wall".  She did not look to be so old or so unhealthy a stiff breeze could have done her in.  I think most grandparents who aren't seeing their grandkids right now is because the parents (their children) won't let them.

I get it...I love my dad more than anything and I do get on his case about checking his blood sugar and stuff.  But he is relatively healthy and fit and has somehow managed to keep himself alive for 70 years.  He grew up, he got a job, served in the military, bought a house, had a family, and manages his life...he taught me how to walk, how to ride a bike, how to drive a car and he worked for 35+ years as a machinist.  My dad is smart and capable, and when he decided that he is not worried about the risk of spending time with and hugging and playing with his granddaughter, who am I to tell him no he cannot do that?  As we get older, we tend to see our parents in a different light.  They may not be superheroes to us anymore, they may be flawed individuals, they may not know everything as we once thought, and they may be behind the times with technology. 

And for some, it is just luck, but if you manage to live to be 70 years old, a privilege denied to many, then you are doing something right and you do not deserve to be treated like a child who cannot make a competent decision about risk and reward.  If I did not have the small breaks that he and my stepmom have given me the last couple months, and if Emily didn't have this one joy of still seeing her grandparents when so many of her other joys have been taken away, I don't even want to imagine how crazy we would be by now.  Four of my absolute favorite and most loved human beings ever to walk this earth are in Heaven...my daughter, my mom, my grandma and my grandpa and they all died years ago of things other than Covid. 

People act as though prior to Covid we were all immortal or something.  That a kid going to school is such a huge risk, but they ignore the fact that just getting in the car and driving them to school is a much much higher risk than Covid ever could be.  You could choke on your dinner tomorrow and die...are we going to stop eating because there is a risk of choking? 

I would give anything to hug my loved ones one last time, and if they were here right now, that is exactly what I would do.  A lot of people who intend to not see their older family members for the next year or more due to Covid are going to be very devastated when they end up dying of something else and they threw all this time away that they could have spent with them.  Tomorrow is never ever guaranteed and it has been that way long before Covid existed.  The point of all this was to never keep people from getting it or to reduce the chance of getting it to zero.  The very point of all of this was to flatten the curve, to keep the hospitals from getting overwhelmed.  We have done that, now let's move on and get back to life.

Yes, take precautions, yes wash your hands (we should be doing that anyway) don't cough in peoples' faces...but we need to live our lives, otherwise they are not worth trying to preserve.  Despite being a natural worrier, I do also tend to just let things roll off my back and hope for the best.  But the idea of having to continue homeschooling in the fall, continue trying to juggle work and her school, and not being the best mom I can be because I am too stressed scares me...a lot.  And the thing that scares me the most is there is nothing I can do about it.  If they decide school is not going to resume, or on a very limited basis, what can I do?  I can't keep going like this...I just can't.