will not look good on me. I have to keep repeating that to myself before I do anything rash. I'm already in a horrible mood this morning....between being scared out of my mind over this pregnancy and sad because I should techically be full term right now, EVERYTHING is pissing me off.
I'm at work for five minutes and this lady in front of me starts gushing about her great-niece again. For like the billionth time since she was born three weeks ago. Ok it's nice that you love her and you seem to be close to your niece, but it's not your baby, or your granddaughter, or even your neice. Your great-niece does not need to be yacked about every.single.day.
But today really took the cake. OMG, she's so cute, I just love to see her little face. OMG, she's so little, you just don't understand from pictures how tiny she is. OMG, her little hand next to my sister's hand is so so tiny. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Yeah cause it's not like you work with someone who sits 10 feet away that LOST her baby three months ago. Yeah, keep yacking about your damn great-niece you insensitive twat. Excuse my language but I'm just so angry right now. It just never ceases to amaze me how absorbed people are in their own lives and can't even look around and think for one second about what they're saying.
And I know it's easy for me to say this now, but I honestly with all my heart believe that if the tables were turned, I would have enough common sense to not gush about a baby so loudly and all the time in front of someone who just lost theirs. But apparently I am one of few people in this world with any compassion and sensitivity to others. Plus it would be totally different if she were having a normal, "inside voice" conversation with someone, but no...her loud trashy ass has to yack about it with someone three cubicles away.
Ok, on to something else before my blood pressure shoots through the roof. Last night was my last day of tennis. I really wanted to keep playing, at least through this first session, having me finish up around 7 weeks along. But I played last night for the first time since I got my BFP and I just can't do it. I took a million breaks but I still was very winded and couldn't keep my heart rate below 150. I wanted to play because, well I love it, but also because I didn't want to live in fear and not stay away from things that are probably ok to do. But, I was worried the whole time and I just didn't enjoy it.
I already have so much guilt over what happened to Kayla, even though I know it wasn't something I chose or did wrong, so I don't want to continue doing something that WILL make me blame myself should something happen. It's just not worth the risk and if I am not going to have fun anyway, what's the point? I'll just walk, walking is good exercise and I don't think any doctor anywhere would tell me not to walk. But had things turned out differently, I wouldn't have been playing this summer anyway. Boo is due in March, that gives me plenty of time to recover and hopefully get back into a recognizable shape to play next year.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Beta #2-3 wks 6 days
I thought taking an FRER this morning and seeing the nice dark line would calm my nerves today as I wait for my second beta results, but it hasn't. I am so nervous, I've got butterflies in my stomach and I swear my cramps are a little stronger today. That could be from nerves, anytime I get very nervous or fired up mad about something my cramps seem to intensify. Or it could be from the Crinone, I started it yesterday. I don't know if they would set in so fast, but it was one of the side effects.
I've already ran to the bathroom twice this morning, worried and I've only been at work for 2.5 hours. I play this little mind game...when I am nervous about going, I can't just pull down my pants and go...I do it slowly, like peeking for blood. I guess somehow I feel like it won't hurt as bad if I slowly look rather than just do it like normal and see something. But doing it this way, my mind often plays tricks on me. I wore a full pad today because I am not sure how messy this Crinone is going to be. As I am "peeking" to go to the bathroom, I spot something light colored around the edge of the pad....whew, it's just stupid little orange designs all around the edge. I'm fine with them decorating the box or even the wrapper. But why does the pad itself need decorations? It's certainly not going to look pretty after normal use.
I'm betting it will be another hour at least before I get a call, or it could be as late as this afternoon if they are really busy. Oh please call soon, I don't know how much longer I can take this anxiety, my stomach feels like it's twisted in knots. If I calculated correctly, my beta needs to be at least 120 today. FX for excellent numbers!
Update: Betas are in, 207!! Whew, I can breathe again. That gives me about a 34.45 hour doubling time. My next draw is on Saturday.
I've already ran to the bathroom twice this morning, worried and I've only been at work for 2.5 hours. I play this little mind game...when I am nervous about going, I can't just pull down my pants and go...I do it slowly, like peeking for blood. I guess somehow I feel like it won't hurt as bad if I slowly look rather than just do it like normal and see something. But doing it this way, my mind often plays tricks on me. I wore a full pad today because I am not sure how messy this Crinone is going to be. As I am "peeking" to go to the bathroom, I spot something light colored around the edge of the pad....whew, it's just stupid little orange designs all around the edge. I'm fine with them decorating the box or even the wrapper. But why does the pad itself need decorations? It's certainly not going to look pretty after normal use.
I'm betting it will be another hour at least before I get a call, or it could be as late as this afternoon if they are really busy. Oh please call soon, I don't know how much longer I can take this anxiety, my stomach feels like it's twisted in knots. If I calculated correctly, my beta needs to be at least 120 today. FX for excellent numbers!
Update: Betas are in, 207!! Whew, I can breathe again. That gives me about a 34.45 hour doubling time. My next draw is on Saturday.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Paying it forward-3wks 5 days
Before Kayla was born, burying our child was never something we thought we would have to think about, let alone have to deal with. Thankfully most cemeteries do offer lower cost funerals and burials for little ones, but they are still often a financial burden that many families, especially young couples cannot easily afford. Even with the lowered prices the short service, burial, and gravestone (the smallest one there was) still cost nearly $2,000.00 and there is no way we could have done that if it hadn't been for the help of our parents.
The hospital does also offer a no cost option, which is wonderful for those who cannot afford anything...but our hearts had just been broken and we had to say goodbye to our girl before we even got to really have her in our lives. It was very important to be able to use this one and only opportunity to give her what she deserved; a chance for everyone who loved her to see her and say goodbye, a proper burial with a plaque with her name on it, showing everyone who happens by that this little girl was wanted and loved. I am grateful to the hospital for offering a no cost option, but we just could not bear to lay her to rest amongst multiple other babies without names, just a month range and a year to show that they existed, even for a little while.
We will be forever grateful to our families for giving Kayla her own plot and her own identity. For giving us a place to go to visit her, to adorn with flowers and butterflies and to let our daughter know that she will never be forgotten. Since we will never be able to truly thank them for the wonderful gift they gave us, we want to help pay it forward by raising money so other grieving families can do this for their angels as well. Please click on the link below to go to my fund raising site. If you are able to donate, no amount is too small. Please feel free to pass the link on to anyone that you might think would be interested as well. Thank you!
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/AmyBilland/2013TEARSmichiganrockandwalk
The hospital does also offer a no cost option, which is wonderful for those who cannot afford anything...but our hearts had just been broken and we had to say goodbye to our girl before we even got to really have her in our lives. It was very important to be able to use this one and only opportunity to give her what she deserved; a chance for everyone who loved her to see her and say goodbye, a proper burial with a plaque with her name on it, showing everyone who happens by that this little girl was wanted and loved. I am grateful to the hospital for offering a no cost option, but we just could not bear to lay her to rest amongst multiple other babies without names, just a month range and a year to show that they existed, even for a little while.
We will be forever grateful to our families for giving Kayla her own plot and her own identity. For giving us a place to go to visit her, to adorn with flowers and butterflies and to let our daughter know that she will never be forgotten. Since we will never be able to truly thank them for the wonderful gift they gave us, we want to help pay it forward by raising money so other grieving families can do this for their angels as well. Please click on the link below to go to my fund raising site. If you are able to donate, no amount is too small. Please feel free to pass the link on to anyone that you might think would be interested as well. Thank you!
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/AmyBilland/2013TEARSmichiganrockandwalk
Sunday, July 7, 2013
3 weeks, 4 days
I am feeling pretty good at the moment. My cramps have been way more mild this time around. I know that things can still go wrong, cramps or no cramps...but when I am not feeling them much, I am able to keep my Pgal brain at bay a little better. It's all about mindset...if I have less reason to worry, I can stay more calm and just feel so much better all around. The vurps have begun....instead of morning sickness I seem to have a lot of vurps with pregnancy. I know they are better than puking all day, but man they burn! And they don't taste so great...but for now I welcome the old familiar symptoms. Ryan and I went to see Despicable Me 2 today and I kept dozing off in the theater, I was soooo tired. Oh first try exhaustion, I have missed you. Well, not the exhaustion, but the fabulous naps, especially when my kitty snuggles up too. I think we were the only ones in the theater without kids...well technically we took Boo (see explanation below).
I'm still taking a test every day, I have them so why not. The wondfos have been slow to darken, so that causes me a smidge of anxiety each morning, worrying that the line will be lighter than the day before. But by the 5 minute mark I can see them just fine....and I am still so early, only 11DPO. I turned the digi positive today, it was my only one so I don't know how early I could have, but it's always nice to see "pregnant" in the window.
I'm still often scared to go to the bathroom and I do the panty check quite often, but I think that will subside once I have several betas done and at least one ultrasound. I would assume my first ultrasound will be around the six week mark again....Ugh that seems so far away. We've decided to call this baby Boo until we know the sex. We could never think of a cute in utero name for Kayla so we just ended up calling her Baby B since our last name starts with a B. I was watching Monsters Inc a few weeks ago and decided Boo was a cute name, and Ryan loves it as well. Of course it was pretty funny when I told my dad. He misunderstood and thought I meant that would be his or her name.
We still haven't told any of my inlaws. I briefly thought maybe we could tell them at the BBQ that we're having after Kayla's balloon release on my old due date, but that would mean half the poeple there already know. I don't feel right about that....and I sort of wish I could have waited and just told everybody at the BBQ, but that's still three weeks away. I don't think I could have kept it in that long. So hopefully he'll tell them soon because one of these days I am going to forget and say something to my MIL that spills the beans.
We went to my cousin's high school grad party yesterday. One of my uncles was there that we haven't seen a quite a while. He asked how we were doing and it was clear that he was specifically asking how we are doing since our loss. This uncle (by marriage) doesn't have a great rep with the family....and I know he was drunk or at least well on his way there, but I told him I really appreciated him asking how we are. So much of my extended family, while I know they grieve for us in their hearts, have kind of ran the other way when it's come to acknowledging our loss or saying anything to us.
I think I've written about this already, but Ryan's tattoo is an excellent example. If it was anything other than a memorial tattoo, my aunts would not miss an opportunity for scolding him and playfully teasing him about getting such a big tattoo and in a visible place. But they have not said one word about it. So he was saying how sorry he was for us and he said how tore up he was when he heard. He has two little girls, my cousins and my flower girls in my wedding...they are like 7 and 4...he said he cannot imagine anything having happened to them. He said he knows we will have another baby someday and that we'll be great parents. I so wanted to blurt out that I am pregnant, but the chances that he would tell are very high and I am just not ready for more people to know yet. But it really touched me that he wasn't afraid to say something.
I also have to say, I am overwhelmed and so feeling the love by all of the comments on here and the shout outs I'm getting on both the Pgal board and my new BMB from my former July bumpies. I miss you guys so much; my new BMB seems nice, but I'll never forget the amazing women on July 2013. I love popping in and reading all about your babies and for those who have yet to come, I am so excited to hear of their arrivals.
I'm still taking a test every day, I have them so why not. The wondfos have been slow to darken, so that causes me a smidge of anxiety each morning, worrying that the line will be lighter than the day before. But by the 5 minute mark I can see them just fine....and I am still so early, only 11DPO. I turned the digi positive today, it was my only one so I don't know how early I could have, but it's always nice to see "pregnant" in the window.
I'm still often scared to go to the bathroom and I do the panty check quite often, but I think that will subside once I have several betas done and at least one ultrasound. I would assume my first ultrasound will be around the six week mark again....Ugh that seems so far away. We've decided to call this baby Boo until we know the sex. We could never think of a cute in utero name for Kayla so we just ended up calling her Baby B since our last name starts with a B. I was watching Monsters Inc a few weeks ago and decided Boo was a cute name, and Ryan loves it as well. Of course it was pretty funny when I told my dad. He misunderstood and thought I meant that would be his or her name.
We still haven't told any of my inlaws. I briefly thought maybe we could tell them at the BBQ that we're having after Kayla's balloon release on my old due date, but that would mean half the poeple there already know. I don't feel right about that....and I sort of wish I could have waited and just told everybody at the BBQ, but that's still three weeks away. I don't think I could have kept it in that long. So hopefully he'll tell them soon because one of these days I am going to forget and say something to my MIL that spills the beans.
We went to my cousin's high school grad party yesterday. One of my uncles was there that we haven't seen a quite a while. He asked how we were doing and it was clear that he was specifically asking how we are doing since our loss. This uncle (by marriage) doesn't have a great rep with the family....and I know he was drunk or at least well on his way there, but I told him I really appreciated him asking how we are. So much of my extended family, while I know they grieve for us in their hearts, have kind of ran the other way when it's come to acknowledging our loss or saying anything to us.
I think I've written about this already, but Ryan's tattoo is an excellent example. If it was anything other than a memorial tattoo, my aunts would not miss an opportunity for scolding him and playfully teasing him about getting such a big tattoo and in a visible place. But they have not said one word about it. So he was saying how sorry he was for us and he said how tore up he was when he heard. He has two little girls, my cousins and my flower girls in my wedding...they are like 7 and 4...he said he cannot imagine anything having happened to them. He said he knows we will have another baby someday and that we'll be great parents. I so wanted to blurt out that I am pregnant, but the chances that he would tell are very high and I am just not ready for more people to know yet. But it really touched me that he wasn't afraid to say something.
I also have to say, I am overwhelmed and so feeling the love by all of the comments on here and the shout outs I'm getting on both the Pgal board and my new BMB from my former July bumpies. I miss you guys so much; my new BMB seems nice, but I'll never forget the amazing women on July 2013. I love popping in and reading all about your babies and for those who have yet to come, I am so excited to hear of their arrivals.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Beta #1-3wks 2 days
First betas are 30, which for 9DPO I think are pretty good. Last time my betas were 54 on 11DPO so already I think they are a little on the high side. Though my next draw on Tuesday will be the important one to make sure they double properly. The nurse freaked me out a little bit though; she left a voicemail saying they could be a little low depending on when I ovulated. I know they need a starting point to assume from, but I wish they would just get it out of their heads that a woman likely Od on CD14. Yeah, of course 30 would be quite low if I was actually 15DPO.
I got new insurance a few months ago, and the Crinone is actually covered this time so I can take that instead of the progesterone suppositories. Well, I do have a $40 copay, but in order to hopefully not feel like I am on my period all the time with those messy suppositories, I will gladly pay the $40. I don't mind the mess...while it's not fun, that doesn't concern me. But when you're already cramping, and then you feel stuff oozing out of you all day long, it's really hard to not run to the bathroom every two seconds convinced that you're bleeding. Plus it will be nice to be able to go down the street to Target to get a refill instead of going to the hospital pharmacy for the suppositories since those aren't carried in stores.
I am sure the Crinone might still be a little messy, but I don't think they'll be as bad. Last night I had the lightest pink on the TP. It was so light I actually had to really look at it to figure out if I was actually seeing color. It was kind of like light pink tinged CM. Though I only saw it because I was so paranoid and kept wiping...kinda like the wipe they make you do for a clean catch urine sample. So it's possible I had that with all my pregnancies and just never saw it because I didn't go "looking for it". My cramps are still fairly mild, so that's been a Godsend. I can stay pretty positive and calm when I am not cramping a lot.
When I came out from getting my blood drawn my OB was in the waiting room, visiting. At first I didn't really see her so I started to walk out, but then I looked back and she was like "Are you trying to run out"? So I went back and she gave me a hug and asked how I was. I told her I got my positive yesterday and she was excited for us. I love her, she's the best OB ever.
I told Ryan when I got home....if there is a next time (as in a second rainbow baby, I'm thinking positive here) he will not be getting a special announcement again. He needs to be more enthusiastic to deserve a special announcement. He's not a yippie yay kind of guy anyway, but especially this time I think he is too scared to be happy right now...which is understandable. I took a video of him getting his surprise. So I know he is happy, I mean he said he was ready to try again just a week after we lost Kayla, but I know he is just scared to get attached to the idea. Plus I just don't think he puts a lot of faith into home tests, because he sounded pretty happy when I told him the blood tests confirmed it.
I was going to my dad's for a BBQ yesterday so I asked if he was ok with me telling without him. He didn't want me to tell them period this soon but he said I can do whatever I want. I totally understand not telling the whole world, but the people we tell now are people that will be there for us no matter what....it is scary to tell at all, but telling or not telling won't change the outcome, so we might as well have support right now.
I took some dessert to my dad's for the BBQ and also took the two half bottles of wine that I couldn't finish from Monday. Him and Brenda were in the kitchen so I went in, took out the bottles and said, these are half drank but I brought them here because I can't drink them anymore and I smiled....my dad was like why, aren't they good (lol) and I looked at him like "hello"!! and he was OH! Of course Brenda didn't get it either so he was like did you hear her, she can't drink anymore and when it dawned on her she screeched and gave me a big hug and then my dad hugged me :)
Melissa and Joe got there right after. Joe set the beer down that he brought and I was like, I can't drink those and he smiled and gave me a hug. It felt great telling my family. After the last few months, we need something to be happy about.
I asked Ryan today if he knows when he might feel comfortable telling his family. I wasn't sure if he was waiting for a set thing, like seeing the heartbeat or something but he said he is fine with whenever. I think he just needed to sleep on the news, and maybe having it confirmed with bloodwork helped. So I think we'll call his parents and maybe sister tonight.
I tested again this morning. The wondfo is still light but it's not a squinter anymore and the FRER had a very nice line today. I have about six wondfo left, but no more FRERs so I think I'll pick up some more of those, and I have one digi left that I think I'll use on Sunday. I'm sure by 11DPO I'll be able to turn a digi positive. I just need some reassurance between now and Tuesday.
I think this will be my mantra for the next none months; today I am pregnant, today I am happy.
I got new insurance a few months ago, and the Crinone is actually covered this time so I can take that instead of the progesterone suppositories. Well, I do have a $40 copay, but in order to hopefully not feel like I am on my period all the time with those messy suppositories, I will gladly pay the $40. I don't mind the mess...while it's not fun, that doesn't concern me. But when you're already cramping, and then you feel stuff oozing out of you all day long, it's really hard to not run to the bathroom every two seconds convinced that you're bleeding. Plus it will be nice to be able to go down the street to Target to get a refill instead of going to the hospital pharmacy for the suppositories since those aren't carried in stores.
I am sure the Crinone might still be a little messy, but I don't think they'll be as bad. Last night I had the lightest pink on the TP. It was so light I actually had to really look at it to figure out if I was actually seeing color. It was kind of like light pink tinged CM. Though I only saw it because I was so paranoid and kept wiping...kinda like the wipe they make you do for a clean catch urine sample. So it's possible I had that with all my pregnancies and just never saw it because I didn't go "looking for it". My cramps are still fairly mild, so that's been a Godsend. I can stay pretty positive and calm when I am not cramping a lot.
When I came out from getting my blood drawn my OB was in the waiting room, visiting. At first I didn't really see her so I started to walk out, but then I looked back and she was like "Are you trying to run out"? So I went back and she gave me a hug and asked how I was. I told her I got my positive yesterday and she was excited for us. I love her, she's the best OB ever.
I told Ryan when I got home....if there is a next time (as in a second rainbow baby, I'm thinking positive here) he will not be getting a special announcement again. He needs to be more enthusiastic to deserve a special announcement. He's not a yippie yay kind of guy anyway, but especially this time I think he is too scared to be happy right now...which is understandable. I took a video of him getting his surprise. So I know he is happy, I mean he said he was ready to try again just a week after we lost Kayla, but I know he is just scared to get attached to the idea. Plus I just don't think he puts a lot of faith into home tests, because he sounded pretty happy when I told him the blood tests confirmed it.
I was going to my dad's for a BBQ yesterday so I asked if he was ok with me telling without him. He didn't want me to tell them period this soon but he said I can do whatever I want. I totally understand not telling the whole world, but the people we tell now are people that will be there for us no matter what....it is scary to tell at all, but telling or not telling won't change the outcome, so we might as well have support right now.
I took some dessert to my dad's for the BBQ and also took the two half bottles of wine that I couldn't finish from Monday. Him and Brenda were in the kitchen so I went in, took out the bottles and said, these are half drank but I brought them here because I can't drink them anymore and I smiled....my dad was like why, aren't they good (lol) and I looked at him like "hello"!! and he was OH! Of course Brenda didn't get it either so he was like did you hear her, she can't drink anymore and when it dawned on her she screeched and gave me a big hug and then my dad hugged me :)
Melissa and Joe got there right after. Joe set the beer down that he brought and I was like, I can't drink those and he smiled and gave me a hug. It felt great telling my family. After the last few months, we need something to be happy about.
I asked Ryan today if he knows when he might feel comfortable telling his family. I wasn't sure if he was waiting for a set thing, like seeing the heartbeat or something but he said he is fine with whenever. I think he just needed to sleep on the news, and maybe having it confirmed with bloodwork helped. So I think we'll call his parents and maybe sister tonight.
I tested again this morning. The wondfo is still light but it's not a squinter anymore and the FRER had a very nice line today. I have about six wondfo left, but no more FRERs so I think I'll pick up some more of those, and I have one digi left that I think I'll use on Sunday. I'm sure by 11DPO I'll be able to turn a digi positive. I just need some reassurance between now and Tuesday.
I think this will be my mantra for the next none months; today I am pregnant, today I am happy.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
BF Fucking P!!!!!-3 weeks, 1 day
Welp, I guess FF was wrong and I did ovulate, cause I'm pregnant!! Holy shit, that is so weird to type. I've known for all of about 30 minutes and I've gone through such an array of emotions in just that short time. Today is only 8DPO, crazy right? Last time I got my positive on 9DPO so I was going to wait until tomorrow, but the impatience got the best of me, especially since my temp went up quite a bit today. So I patiently laid in bed waiting for Ryan to leave, he has a 5K this morning. I normally go, but A. I didn't want to get up that early (but here I sit, at 7am) and B. Melissa invited me to partake in some Fourth of July sales at Ikea.
I thought he had left, so I got up and found him waiting outside for his ride. He forgets stuff a lot, so it was possible he would come back in so I waited, and waited. Thankfully I didn't have to pee too bad. Finally he left, so I took a wondfo first. Amazingly, I calmly washed my hands, went and let the dog out (we're dog-sitting) and came back and looked. I thought, maaaaaybe I could see something, but I needed more eyes so I went to get my cell and my glasses. Put glasses on, discovered everything was fuzzy and realized I had slept in my contacts. So I shined my super bright flashlight app on it and yeah, I think there is something there.
I was leery to take an FRER because last time while it was decently easy to see it on the dollar store test, I could barely see it on the FRER and I only had two left, but decided fuck it. Who am I kidding, like I won't buy more anyway. I was crazy calm as I saw the line forming on that one....it's light, but way way easier to see than the wondfo. I toyed with taking a digi, but decided against it. It's still early, and with last month's fiasco with the false positive, I just didn't feel super geeked about taking one, so I'll wait a few days on them.
My calmness quickly turned too...squeeel I'm pregnant! I danced around a little in the bathroom and Noah (our rent-a-doggy) came in looking at me oddly and I squeaked "Auntie's pregnant"! He didn't really care though. So then I dropped to my knees and started praying....and crying. I haven't been on great terms with my faith lately, but I prayed for understanding, for strength, forgiveness and above all that this is our sticky baby.
I'm going to my dad's for a BBQ today, Melissa and Joe will be there, of course along with my dad and Brenda. Erg, I want to tell, but I don't. According to pregnology, I am only three weeks. Three weeks!! That's crazy early. But I know all too well that early or later, the worst can happen at any time. And if the worst were to happen, I want my family to be there for me.
But when we lost Kayla, I felt such a huge sense that I had let down my family. My brother couldn't wait to be an uncle, my dad had been dying to be a grandpa for like 15 years now, and my inlaws wanted a new grandbaby. I gave them this huge joy, and then ripped it away from them. Yeah, obviously I am still dealing with guilt. I feel this enormous pressure to protect their hearts. But like I said, I want them there for me if things should go wrong, and whether they know before hand or not, they'll be broken hearted no matter what. Plus there is the fact that my husband might not be going today....I guess if he is ok with him telling me without him then I will, but if he isn't then I won't. Wow, I just re-read that and realized how negative it sounds. I mean, fear is to be expected, but I talk as if something bad WILL happen. That was one of the things I prayed for, was strength to be excited about this baby because he or she deserves it.
So my symptoms have been pretty minimal. I've been cramping since 2DPO...the most severe they got was around 4 or 5DPO I think, but even that wasn't as much as last time. I don't know if this time it's different just because, or if I'll have less cramping because my ute has already stretched a decent amount. I felt a little nauseas a few nights ago but I think that was from acid reflux, which I get a lot. I was super tired at tennis last night. Most of the drills require a lot of running...like you hit the ball, run to the next court and hit another, and then get back in line and do it again. Normally I am out of breath but I push through it, but last night I just couldn't. I had to stop and catch my breath several times, and a few times I just couldn't do all of the running required.
So FF says my EDD is March 19th, and pregnology says March 20th, and I am sure I'll get a different date from my RE and another from my OB as U/S show a better picture. And of course, LO will come whenever it wants, though I am praying so hard it is as close to my due date as possible. But yeah, so far my EDDs are less than a week from Kayla's angelversary. I hope that doesn't turn out to be as hard as I fear it will be, but I am just so happy to be pregnant I'll take just about any EDD right now. Well, since I am up so early, I am going to get Ryan's surprise together, and maybe take the dog for a walk. He'd going home today, so one last short walk will be nice.
Please stick baby, please!
I thought he had left, so I got up and found him waiting outside for his ride. He forgets stuff a lot, so it was possible he would come back in so I waited, and waited. Thankfully I didn't have to pee too bad. Finally he left, so I took a wondfo first. Amazingly, I calmly washed my hands, went and let the dog out (we're dog-sitting) and came back and looked. I thought, maaaaaybe I could see something, but I needed more eyes so I went to get my cell and my glasses. Put glasses on, discovered everything was fuzzy and realized I had slept in my contacts. So I shined my super bright flashlight app on it and yeah, I think there is something there.
I was leery to take an FRER because last time while it was decently easy to see it on the dollar store test, I could barely see it on the FRER and I only had two left, but decided fuck it. Who am I kidding, like I won't buy more anyway. I was crazy calm as I saw the line forming on that one....it's light, but way way easier to see than the wondfo. I toyed with taking a digi, but decided against it. It's still early, and with last month's fiasco with the false positive, I just didn't feel super geeked about taking one, so I'll wait a few days on them.
My calmness quickly turned too...squeeel I'm pregnant! I danced around a little in the bathroom and Noah (our rent-a-doggy) came in looking at me oddly and I squeaked "Auntie's pregnant"! He didn't really care though. So then I dropped to my knees and started praying....and crying. I haven't been on great terms with my faith lately, but I prayed for understanding, for strength, forgiveness and above all that this is our sticky baby.
I'm going to my dad's for a BBQ today, Melissa and Joe will be there, of course along with my dad and Brenda. Erg, I want to tell, but I don't. According to pregnology, I am only three weeks. Three weeks!! That's crazy early. But I know all too well that early or later, the worst can happen at any time. And if the worst were to happen, I want my family to be there for me.
But when we lost Kayla, I felt such a huge sense that I had let down my family. My brother couldn't wait to be an uncle, my dad had been dying to be a grandpa for like 15 years now, and my inlaws wanted a new grandbaby. I gave them this huge joy, and then ripped it away from them. Yeah, obviously I am still dealing with guilt. I feel this enormous pressure to protect their hearts. But like I said, I want them there for me if things should go wrong, and whether they know before hand or not, they'll be broken hearted no matter what. Plus there is the fact that my husband might not be going today....I guess if he is ok with him telling me without him then I will, but if he isn't then I won't. Wow, I just re-read that and realized how negative it sounds. I mean, fear is to be expected, but I talk as if something bad WILL happen. That was one of the things I prayed for, was strength to be excited about this baby because he or she deserves it.
So my symptoms have been pretty minimal. I've been cramping since 2DPO...the most severe they got was around 4 or 5DPO I think, but even that wasn't as much as last time. I don't know if this time it's different just because, or if I'll have less cramping because my ute has already stretched a decent amount. I felt a little nauseas a few nights ago but I think that was from acid reflux, which I get a lot. I was super tired at tennis last night. Most of the drills require a lot of running...like you hit the ball, run to the next court and hit another, and then get back in line and do it again. Normally I am out of breath but I push through it, but last night I just couldn't. I had to stop and catch my breath several times, and a few times I just couldn't do all of the running required.
So FF says my EDD is March 19th, and pregnology says March 20th, and I am sure I'll get a different date from my RE and another from my OB as U/S show a better picture. And of course, LO will come whenever it wants, though I am praying so hard it is as close to my due date as possible. But yeah, so far my EDDs are less than a week from Kayla's angelversary. I hope that doesn't turn out to be as hard as I fear it will be, but I am just so happy to be pregnant I'll take just about any EDD right now. Well, since I am up so early, I am going to get Ryan's surprise together, and maybe take the dog for a walk. He'd going home today, so one last short walk will be nice.
Please stick baby, please!
Monday, July 1, 2013
Why I didn't fail as a mother.
This article was posted on the loss board. I thought it was wonderful, I sat at my desk at work reading it, trying so hard not to cry. I wanted to share it here as I think it needs to be shared, but also because I need it in an accessible place so I can read it often and try to believe it. I mean, I do believe it....but then I somehow feel like I am failing as a mother to say "Ok, I acknowledge it wasn't my fault, I've washed my hands of guilt". I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'll work on it.
I have to tell you this. You didn't fail. Not even a little.
You are not a horrible mother.
You did not chose this. You didn't want this to happen. You didn't do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope that it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no no no no no no no no no!!!!!!
God didn't do this to punish you, smite you, or to "teach you a lesson". That is not God's way. You could not have prevented this if you: tried harder, prayed harder, or if you were a "better" person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, z to the nth degree or any other way you tried to fill-in-the-blank. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.
Even if you did nothing more, you are already the best mom there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath to save theirs. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute with them. That, is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.
So wash your hands of any naysayers, backstabbers, or anyone who sprinted the other direction when you need them the most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn't do. Those whose words or looks have implied that this was somehow your fault.
This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it is.
And especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it's not what others are saying that keeps us shackled in shame. Sometimes we adopt others' misguided opinions and assumptions about our situation as our own. Sometimes it's our own inner voice that shoves us into the darkest corners of despair, like an abuser, telling us over and over and over again that we failed as mothers. That if only this and what if that, it would never have happened. That you woulda, shoulda, done this so your child would not have died. This is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let is smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.
Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself. You are the best damn mother in the entire world.
The kind of mother people write books about. The kind that inspires the world.
No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever be your child's mother as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child's love and light shine through them the way you do. No one else could mother their dead child as well as you do. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.
You have within you a sacred strength. You are the mother of all mothers. There is no one, no one, no one that could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be their mother. Yes-chosen. And no one could parent them better in life or in death than you do.
So breathe mama, keep breathing. Believe mama, keep believing. Fight mama, keep fighting, for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart-you didn't fail. You are not a failure. Not even a little.
For whatever it's worth, I see you. I hear you guttural sobs. I feel your ache deep inside my bones. And it doesn't make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift baind-aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, when and if they do.
It takes invincible strength to mother a child you can no longer hold, see, touch, or hear. You are a superhero mama. I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again. I notice the grits and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking. I see you walking this path of life you've been given where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battleground- a fight for your own survival - a fight to quiet the insidious lies.
You are the mother of all mothers.
Truly the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is- a warrior mama through and through.
For even in their death you lovingly mother them still.
- June 26th, 2013 by Angela Miller
And....today is July 1st. I enter another month, further and further from the last time I held my baby, the last time I looked at my baby, the last time I felt her inside me, the last time I was truly happy. It also begins what was supposed to be her birth month. The month I had looked forward to since November, and the month I have dreaded since March. In 26 days I should be just then meeting her, she should be looking back into my eyes, she should be wiggling and crying and be ready to go home. Instead she's in Heaven, and I'm here. It's just not fair.
I have to tell you this. You didn't fail. Not even a little.
You are not a horrible mother.
You did not chose this. You didn't want this to happen. You didn't do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope that it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no no no no no no no no no!!!!!!
God didn't do this to punish you, smite you, or to "teach you a lesson". That is not God's way. You could not have prevented this if you: tried harder, prayed harder, or if you were a "better" person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, z to the nth degree or any other way you tried to fill-in-the-blank. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.
Even if you did nothing more, you are already the best mom there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath to save theirs. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute with them. That, is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.
So wash your hands of any naysayers, backstabbers, or anyone who sprinted the other direction when you need them the most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn't do. Those whose words or looks have implied that this was somehow your fault.
This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it is.
And especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it's not what others are saying that keeps us shackled in shame. Sometimes we adopt others' misguided opinions and assumptions about our situation as our own. Sometimes it's our own inner voice that shoves us into the darkest corners of despair, like an abuser, telling us over and over and over again that we failed as mothers. That if only this and what if that, it would never have happened. That you woulda, shoulda, done this so your child would not have died. This is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let is smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.
Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself. You are the best damn mother in the entire world.
The kind of mother people write books about. The kind that inspires the world.
No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever be your child's mother as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child's love and light shine through them the way you do. No one else could mother their dead child as well as you do. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.
You have within you a sacred strength. You are the mother of all mothers. There is no one, no one, no one that could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be their mother. Yes-chosen. And no one could parent them better in life or in death than you do.
So breathe mama, keep breathing. Believe mama, keep believing. Fight mama, keep fighting, for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart-you didn't fail. You are not a failure. Not even a little.
For whatever it's worth, I see you. I hear you guttural sobs. I feel your ache deep inside my bones. And it doesn't make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift baind-aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, when and if they do.
It takes invincible strength to mother a child you can no longer hold, see, touch, or hear. You are a superhero mama. I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again. I notice the grits and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking. I see you walking this path of life you've been given where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battleground- a fight for your own survival - a fight to quiet the insidious lies.
You are the mother of all mothers.
Truly the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is- a warrior mama through and through.
For even in their death you lovingly mother them still.
- June 26th, 2013 by Angela Miller
And....today is July 1st. I enter another month, further and further from the last time I held my baby, the last time I looked at my baby, the last time I felt her inside me, the last time I was truly happy. It also begins what was supposed to be her birth month. The month I had looked forward to since November, and the month I have dreaded since March. In 26 days I should be just then meeting her, she should be looking back into my eyes, she should be wiggling and crying and be ready to go home. Instead she's in Heaven, and I'm here. It's just not fair.
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