BF Fucking P!!!!!-3 weeks, 1 day

Welp, I guess FF was wrong and I did ovulate, cause I'm pregnant!!  Holy shit, that is so weird to type.  I've known for all of about 30 minutes and I've gone through such an array of emotions in just that short time.  Today is only 8DPO, crazy right?  Last time I got my positive on 9DPO so I was going to wait until tomorrow, but the impatience got the best of me, especially since my temp went up quite a bit today.  So I patiently laid in bed waiting for Ryan to leave, he has a 5K this morning.  I normally go, but A. I didn't want to get up that early (but here I sit, at 7am) and B. Melissa invited me to partake in some Fourth of July sales at Ikea.

 I thought he had left, so I got up and found him waiting outside for his ride.  He forgets stuff a lot, so it was possible he would come back in so I waited, and waited.  Thankfully I didn't have to pee too bad.  Finally he left, so I took a wondfo first.  Amazingly, I calmly washed my hands, went and let the dog out (we're dog-sitting) and came back and looked.  I thought, maaaaaybe I could see something, but I needed more eyes so I went to get my cell and my glasses.  Put glasses on, discovered everything was fuzzy and realized I had slept in my contacts.  So I shined my super bright flashlight app on it and yeah, I think there is something there.

I was leery to take an FRER because last time while it was decently easy to see it on the dollar store test, I could barely see it on the FRER and I only had two left, but decided fuck it.  Who am I kidding, like I won't buy more anyway.  I was crazy calm as I saw the line forming on that one....it's light, but way way easier to see than the wondfo.  I toyed with taking a digi, but decided against it.  It's still early, and with last month's fiasco with the false positive, I just didn't feel super geeked about taking one, so I'll wait a few days on them.

My calmness quickly turned too...squeeel I'm pregnant!  I danced around a little in the bathroom and Noah (our rent-a-doggy) came in looking at me oddly and I squeaked "Auntie's pregnant"!  He didn't really care though.  So then I dropped to my knees and started praying....and crying.  I haven't been on great terms with my faith lately, but I prayed for understanding, for strength, forgiveness and above all that this is our sticky baby.

I'm going to my dad's for a BBQ today, Melissa and Joe will be there, of course along with my dad and Brenda.  Erg, I want to tell, but I don't.  According to pregnology, I am only three weeks.  Three weeks!!  That's crazy early.  But I know all too well that early or later, the worst can happen at any time.  And if the worst were to happen, I want my family to be there for me.

But when we lost Kayla, I felt such a huge sense that I had let down my family.  My brother couldn't wait to be an uncle, my dad had been dying to be a grandpa for like 15 years now, and my inlaws wanted a new grandbaby.  I gave them this huge joy, and then ripped it away from them.  Yeah, obviously I am still dealing with guilt.  I feel this enormous pressure to protect their hearts.  But like I said, I want them there for me if things should go wrong, and whether they know before hand or not, they'll be broken hearted no matter what.  Plus there is the fact that my husband might not be going today....I guess if he is ok with him telling me without him then I will, but if he isn't then I won't.  Wow, I just re-read that and realized how negative it sounds.  I mean, fear is to be expected, but I talk as if something bad WILL happen.  That was one of the things I prayed for, was strength to be excited about this baby because he or she deserves it.

So my symptoms have been pretty minimal.  I've been cramping since 2DPO...the most severe they got was around 4 or 5DPO I think, but even that wasn't as much as last time.  I don't know if this time it's different just because, or if I'll have less cramping because my ute has already stretched a decent amount.  I felt a little nauseas a few nights ago but I think that was from acid reflux, which I get a lot.  I was super tired at tennis last night.  Most of the drills require a lot of running...like you hit the ball, run to the next court and hit another, and then get back in line and do it again.  Normally I am out of breath but I push through it, but last night I just couldn't.  I had to stop and catch my breath several times, and a few times I just couldn't do all of the running required.

So FF says my EDD is March 19th, and pregnology says March 20th, and I am sure I'll get a different date from my RE and another from my OB as U/S show a better picture.  And of course, LO will come whenever it wants, though I am praying so hard it is as close to my due date as possible.  But yeah, so far my EDDs are less than a week from Kayla's angelversary.  I hope that doesn't turn out to be as hard as I fear it will be, but I am just so happy to be pregnant I'll take just about any EDD right now.  Well, since I am up so early, I am going to get Ryan's surprise together, and maybe take the dog for a walk.  He'd going home today, so one last short walk will be nice.

Please stick baby, please!