Update: Good news, my betas have risen. They are 2045 up from 769 on Saturday....So-so news, the nurse said they would have liked to have seen them a little higher, preferably between 2051 and 3000. So I am very close to the lower limits, and I know betas are kind of subjective. Not all doctors agree on what are good numbers and according to the beta calculator online, my doubling time is 68 hours. For this point in my pregnancy, it says the doubling time should be between 72 and 96 hours. My brain is admittedly not working so great today, but it sounds to me that a time of 68 hours is good. But, above all, my numbers did not drop as I feared. Still no more bleeding, and I have an ultrasound on Friday. Very early, but I am praying they see something that gives us good news. Today I am still pregnant and I am thankful.
Thanks everyone for your well wishes. Ryan took off work today too and he went with me to get my fourth set of betas done. The results aren't back yet, but I am on the edge of my seat waiting for that phone call. Being a week day I'm betting they won't call until at least 2pm and it's only 11:30 now.
Yesterday morning I was 100% convinced that I was miscarrying; I mean how could I not be? My cramps were a little more intense/different and I could barely get to the bathroom without gushing blood everywhere. Everyone kept telling me, think positive, think positive....but I couldn't. It was too scary to think positive. I wanted to think the worst so that if I were wrong, it was a huge blessing. But if not, then the results would be what I figured. I know peope are just trying to help and be my cheerleaders, but just stop. If thinking the worst helps me, then that's what I need to do.
However now I don't know what to think. Even after the initial gush, I never really bled onto the pad after that. For the next few hours my cramps came and went, but they were never as alarming as they were on my way to work, and everytime I went to the bathroom the water was bright red and I passed a few more small clots, but it's hard to say how much you're bleeding when it's coming out in the toilet. A rather small amount of blood could still turn the water red.
By about 3 pm yesterday when I went to the bathroom the water was just tinged with brownish/light pink, and just the slightest light pink on the TP. As the night progressed, nothing in the water, nothing on the pad, and nothing on the TP and it's been that way ever since. I also threw up again last night, so I am hoping those are all good signs, though I am sure even with a loss there could still be enough hormones in my body to still make me throw up. It's just frustrating because now with these new developements I've become more hopeful that things are still ok, which makes waiting for this phone call even more difficult.
Don't get me wrong, I do not want this pregnancy to be over. I want this baby very badly and I pray he or she is my rainbow. But yesterday when I had accepted it was over, I felt oddly ok about it. I don't know if it's because it would be my third loss and I am kind of desensitized to it, or because we got pregnant so quickly so I was optimistic that we could try again soon or maybe because I hadn't really bonded to this pregnancy yet. I think one of the strongest emotions I felt was relief that I didn't have to worry anymore. The worst had happened so I could quit stressing about it. But that's silly....if I want my rainbow, I will have to get through a pregnancy and I will worry. I'll worry once my rainbow is here, there is no escaping that. I even had a few thoughts flash through my head like what if this keeps happening over and over? How many losses can we really go through before enough is enough? Then what? Never have more kids? Adopt? Adoption isn't worry free either. First you have to find a baby, then there is the worry about the birth mother's pregnancy, then the worry about her changing her mind. Clearly there are a lot of thoughts in my head.
My only thought as to what the bleeding could be, if this isn't over, is an SCH (Subchorionic Hematoma) which is basically a blood clot in the uterus. I don't know much about them other than what I have googled but it does come with complications of its own, but at least I would still be in the game.
It's noon and I am hungry. I'm hoping my husband will run out and get us some pretzel dogs from Sonic. Those sound really good right now.
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