Today is the day we were supposed to meet our sweet baby. I'm doing ok I guess. I really wish I could have had today off work, but it wasn't in the cards so whatever. Today isn't nearly as bad as having to deal with the newborn the other day, so I'll count my blessings.
My husband is getting off work at a decent time tonight, so I think we're going to go out for a nice dinner instead of our usual ordering pizza or getting take out somewhere. If I could have had the day off work, he would have taken it off too and we were going to spend the day doing whatever made us happy, so I am glad we can at least still do dinner. I stopped at the cemetery last night after work and I read her a letter I wrote to her. I got choked up several times; it was all my thoughts about how I felt when I first found out I was pregnant, and how excited we were to find out she was a girl and apologizing that I couldn't keep her safe, and letting her know that even though her brother or sister is on the way, she will always be our daughter, our first born and we'll never ever forget her.
I stopped at the flower shop across the street to get her some flowers, I was going to try dying them pink and purple for tomorrow, but I didn't see any I liked. But they had these adorable teddy bears in a pink hoodie so I got one for her. When we go tomorrow I'll put it at her grave. I think it will be ok, it will get wet when it rains but she's mostly under a big tree, and it will dry. The baby garden seems really good about people not taking stuff, and the lawn crew not doing clean ups. I know there are rules for what decorations are allowed and how long they can stay elswhere but I think they let those slide in the baby garden.
So tomorrow is the balloon release. I'm so glad we decided to do this because I am looking forward to it....seeing all my family and close friends and watching the balloons float up to Heaven. I mean I know they'll end up on a farm somewhere in Indiana, but while you're watching them float away, it's not hard to believe they're going to Heaven. It's nice to look forward to that tomorrow instead of associating this weekend with nothing but saddness.
I just hope things feel better once we're past this. It's been true of other anniversaries I've faced, but this is different. After this weekend, she should have been home with us. Her room shouldn't still be empty, with the walls partially painted and the closet doors still missing. The glider that I would nurse her in and rock her to sleep shouldn't still be in its box in the corner of the room. As much as I am grateful to be pregnant again, I am sad that that room will be the new baby's, and not hers. I hope it doesn't take long to bond with this baby.
I am not sure if not bonding is what I am doing...I mean it's hard to bond this early anyway, but most days I completely forget that I am pregnant. I mean, everytime I go to the bathroom I hold my breathe until I see that there isn't blood, I count down the days till my next ultrasound, I check off each day in my pregnancy book each night when I get home, every few days I clutch the toilet bowl and say goodbye to whatever I ate for dinner, but I still often forget I am pregnant. It's like I am just going through the motions. Maybe it's because I am trying not to become too attached, so that if it goes away it won't hurt as bad? I don't know, but I just fear not giving Boo 100% of my love and affection because he or she is not Kayla. I hope I'll feel differently when I see him on the ultrasound, or start feeling flutters. The doctor did say I could find myself feeling a bit emotionally detached. That makes me feel like a horrible mother, but at least it sounds like it's normal.
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