3 weeks, 4 days

I am feeling pretty good at the moment.  My cramps have been way more mild this time around.  I know that things can still go wrong, cramps or no cramps...but when I am not feeling them much, I am able to keep my Pgal brain at bay a little better.  It's all about mindset...if I have less reason to worry, I can stay more calm and just feel so much better all around.  The vurps have begun....instead of morning sickness I seem to have a lot of vurps with pregnancy.  I know they are better than puking all day, but man they burn!  And they don't taste so great...but for now I welcome the old familiar symptoms.  Ryan and I went to see Despicable Me 2 today and I kept dozing off in the theater, I was soooo tired.  Oh first try exhaustion, I have missed you.  Well, not the exhaustion, but the fabulous naps, especially when my kitty snuggles up too.  I think we were the only ones in the theater without kids...well technically we took Boo (see explanation below).

I'm still taking a test every day, I have them so why not.  The wondfos have been slow to darken, so that causes me a smidge of anxiety each morning, worrying that the line will be lighter than the day before.  But by the 5 minute mark I can see them just fine....and I am still so early, only 11DPO.  I turned the digi positive today, it was my only one so I don't know how early I could have, but it's always nice to see "pregnant" in the window.

I'm still often scared to go to the bathroom and I do the panty check quite often, but I think that will subside once I have several betas done and at least one ultrasound.  I would assume my first ultrasound will be around the six week mark again....Ugh that seems so far away.  We've decided to call this baby Boo until we know the sex.  We could never think of a cute in utero name for Kayla so we just ended up calling her Baby B since our last name starts with a B.  I was watching Monsters Inc a few weeks ago and decided Boo was a cute name, and Ryan loves it as well.  Of course it was pretty funny when I told my dad.  He misunderstood and thought I meant that would be his or her name.

We still haven't told any of my inlaws.  I briefly thought maybe we could tell them at the BBQ that we're having after Kayla's balloon release on my old due date, but that would mean half the poeple there already know.  I don't feel right about that....and I sort of wish I could have waited and just told everybody at the BBQ, but that's still three weeks away.  I don't think I could have kept it in that long.  So hopefully he'll tell them soon because one of these days I am going to forget and say something to my MIL that spills the beans.

We went to my cousin's high school grad party yesterday.  One of my uncles was there that we haven't seen a quite a while.  He asked how we were doing and it was clear that he was specifically asking how we are doing since our loss.  This uncle (by marriage) doesn't have a great rep with the family....and I know he was drunk or at least well on his way there, but I told him I really appreciated him asking how we are.  So much of my extended family, while I know they grieve for us in their hearts, have kind of ran the other way when it's come to acknowledging our loss or saying anything to us.

I think I've written about this already, but Ryan's tattoo is an excellent example.  If it was anything other than a memorial tattoo, my aunts would not miss an opportunity for scolding him and playfully teasing him about getting such a big tattoo and in a visible place.  But they have not said one word about it.  So he was saying how sorry he was for us and he said how tore up he was when he heard.  He has two little girls, my cousins and my flower girls in my wedding...they are like 7 and 4...he said he cannot imagine anything having happened to them.  He said he knows we will have another baby someday and that we'll be great parents.  I so wanted to blurt out that I am pregnant, but the chances that he would tell are very high and I am just not ready for more people to know yet.  But it really touched me that he wasn't afraid to say something.

I also have to say, I am overwhelmed and so feeling the love by all of the comments on here and the shout outs I'm getting on both the Pgal board and my new BMB from my former July bumpies.  I miss you guys so much; my new BMB seems nice, but I'll never forget the amazing women on July 2013.  I love popping in and reading all about your babies and for those who have yet to come, I am so excited to hear of their arrivals.