Why?-4 wks 6 days

Why does this keep happening to me?  I'm bleeding.  I was driving to work and I felt crampy....I don't know, I can't really say it was all that intense and more painful than usual but it really kicked in my pgal brain.  I kinda thought I felt something come out, but it wasn't much so I was hoping it was just progesterone gel.

When I got out of my car I felt a small gush and had to duck waddle in to the bathroom.  I was praying it was just a few days worth of progesterone build up, but no...bright red bleeding.  As I was using the bathroom I passed a clot about the size of a golf ball, maybe a little smaller.  I only had on a pantyliner so it went through my pants a bit, but thankfully not where anyone would see.

So I left work and went back out to my car and called my boss.  Thank God I had already told him I was pregnant....so I told him what was happening and that I at least needed to go home and see what my nurse wanted me to do, but I could maybe come back at one.  I figure it's over, so why miss more work.  He told me to take care of myself and worry about work later, so I headed for home and the nurse called me back.  She said to stay off my feet today and to call back if it continues to be heavy.  She still wants me to come in for my fourth betas tomorrow and stay on bed rest tomorrow as well.

So I sent my boss an email when I got home.  Due to a screw up at work with my vacation time (nobody told me that my balance was not accurate when I returned from my leave, so I ended up taking about 3 days here and there that I didn't really have and had to be in the hole/have no time to make up for it) I not only have no sick time, but I also took an unpaid day about a month ago.  I've been with the company for 8 years and that was my first unpaid day.  So there was a bit of an issue last week, if I take my old EDD off, it would be a second unpaid day and I got the feeling from my boss that he wasn't too pleased with that.  I mean....he said if I take it and it doesn't continue to be an issue, it would probably be ok but he had to tell me it is against company policy to take unpaid days.

So in addition to freaking out about miscarrying, I'm also worried about taking unpaid time off today and tomorrow.  I'm not worried about the money, I mean it sucks to have a short check, but I'm worried about looking like a crappy employee.  But if there is even a slight chance that this pregnancy could still be viable, I have to be on bedrest and my baby is more important than my job.  So I told him about needing today and possibly tomorrow off but how stressed I am about taking more time off work.  He replied and said take care of yourself and do not worry about the time off.  Whew, so I feel better now.  But obviously I am not going to take my EDD off...I wish I could, but I feel like that would be pushing it and I wouldn't even enjoy the day since I would feel guilty and stressed.  I have enough to worry about right now.

So I don't know what is happening....this is different from my first loss.  I am not sure if I had it before, but ever since then, about a day before my period starts, there are what looks like red flakes in the toilet.  Nothing on the pad or the TP....so of course this time I have been on vigilant look out for that, but I didn't have it.  No spotting or anything, just suddenly crampy and gush.  When I got home and peed, there was nothing on the pad and the water was only slightly tinged with reddish/brown, and the same on the TP.

I went to the bathroom just a bit ago, still nothing on the pad but the toilet water was bright red.  I have one wondfo left, I was going to take it and see if the line was lighter or gone, but I wasn't sure how much of what was in the cup was pee and how much was blood, so I figured it wouldn't give the most accurate result.

So I have a small sliver of hope just because the bleeding is so weird...could be an SCH or some other random bleeding.  But for the most part I think it's over.  It's super early and bleeding usually means the worst.  I cried in the car and when I called my dad, but for the most part I feel ok I guess.  Maybe my heart is just used to breaking and can't break anymore right now.  I got angry on my way home; why do some people get to skate through pregnancies and never have these issues, and here I am, possibly on my third loss and still no babies.  But, I know some people have it worse.  A woman on my BMB is on her 9th pregnancy, the 8 previous ones have not stuck.  She's been through surgeries and treatments, I can't even imagine how hard that must be.  At least I know I can get pregnant fairly easily when I actually ovulate, and I have at least gotten through first tri once and we have a good plan in place for getting me through the rest.  That gives me hope at least.

I was worried the other day because my betas didn't seem to be doing as well as last time.  Before, each draw was always higher than the bare minimum that they needed to be.  This time they doubled every 35 hours the first time, but only every 50 hours the second time.  I know the nurse said they were good, and according to the beta calculator online it was still within the normal range, but it did not go unnoticed by me.  I also realized yesterday when I was checking off the day in my pregnancy book....on that day last time, my betas were in the 2000's, but this time they would have been like 1500 yesterday if still doubling at the same rate as on Saturday.  Still, could have nothing to do with the bleeding, but it made me nervous.

Melissa is on her way over to hang with me.  I've told a few people, Ryan, my dad, my best friend....but I'm hesitant to tell anymore because they're all at work.  I don't want to ruin their day and make them worry all day at work when there is nothing they can do.  Most of all I feel bad for my husband.  I already know he hasn't dealt with his grief as well as I have....well, that sounds weird to say.  I am certaily not ok with having lost Kayla, but I know what helps me.  Blogging, talking to people, reading, etc all helps me cope, but he doesn't do any of those things.  And I can't help but feel like I am letting him down.  His sperm is like super sprerm....the three times we were really able to try when I was ovulating, I got pregnant on the first try twice, and the second try once.  I picture his sperm to have a satisfied look on it's face (if it had a face, in my head it's a cartoon sperm) wearing a superhero cape.

But my body keeps rejecting it.  It either won't let it stay, or kicks it out when half baked.  I mean, at some point it seems only logical that he's going to start blaming me.  Not because he really thinks I am at fault, or even because he wants to, but irrational anger is a bitch and sometimes it just lands on the first available person.  I called him and told him what was happening earlier, and later he text me saying he is really worried.  I sort of wonder if I shouldn't have told him while he is at work.  There is nothing he can do for me except worry all day, but it just felt wrong to be possibly miscarrying and not tell my husband right away.