will not look good on me. I have to keep repeating that to myself before I do anything rash. I'm already in a horrible mood this morning....between being scared out of my mind over this pregnancy and sad because I should techically be full term right now, EVERYTHING is pissing me off.
I'm at work for five minutes and this lady in front of me starts gushing about her great-niece again. For like the billionth time since she was born three weeks ago. Ok it's nice that you love her and you seem to be close to your niece, but it's not your baby, or your granddaughter, or even your neice. Your great-niece does not need to be yacked about every.single.day.
But today really took the cake. OMG, she's so cute, I just love to see her little face. OMG, she's so little, you just don't understand from pictures how tiny she is. OMG, her little hand next to my sister's hand is so so tiny. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Yeah cause it's not like you work with someone who sits 10 feet away that LOST her baby three months ago. Yeah, keep yacking about your damn great-niece you insensitive twat. Excuse my language but I'm just so angry right now. It just never ceases to amaze me how absorbed people are in their own lives and can't even look around and think for one second about what they're saying.
And I know it's easy for me to say this now, but I honestly with all my heart believe that if the tables were turned, I would have enough common sense to not gush about a baby so loudly and all the time in front of someone who just lost theirs. But apparently I am one of few people in this world with any compassion and sensitivity to others. Plus it would be totally different if she were having a normal, "inside voice" conversation with someone, but no...her loud trashy ass has to yack about it with someone three cubicles away.
Ok, on to something else before my blood pressure shoots through the roof. Last night was my last day of tennis. I really wanted to keep playing, at least through this first session, having me finish up around 7 weeks along. But I played last night for the first time since I got my BFP and I just can't do it. I took a million breaks but I still was very winded and couldn't keep my heart rate below 150. I wanted to play because, well I love it, but also because I didn't want to live in fear and not stay away from things that are probably ok to do. But, I was worried the whole time and I just didn't enjoy it.
I already have so much guilt over what happened to Kayla, even though I know it wasn't something I chose or did wrong, so I don't want to continue doing something that WILL make me blame myself should something happen. It's just not worth the risk and if I am not going to have fun anyway, what's the point? I'll just walk, walking is good exercise and I don't think any doctor anywhere would tell me not to walk. But had things turned out differently, I wouldn't have been playing this summer anyway. Boo is due in March, that gives me plenty of time to recover and hopefully get back into a recognizable shape to play next year.
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