6 weeks

Oye, what a day.  I'm so happy to be 6 weeks today.  I feel like weeks 3-6 go sooooo sloooow, but after 6 weeks things start to pick up and confidence builds, and then after 9-10 weeks things really move fast.

But today was kinda of sad also, it marked four months since we lost Kayla.  Plus with the EDD coming up in two days my emotions are right on the very surface.  So I was at my desk this morning when I thought I heard a baby cry.  I look up, and sure enough Jill, the other woman on my floor that was pregnant with me brought her newborn daughter in to visit.  I got a little nervous, but they were over in her department so I figured if they stayed over there I would be ok.

By the time the baby cried for the fifth time, I decided I had had enough so I left and went to lunch a little early.  I knew I was upset, but I barely got to my car before the floodgates opened.  So I sat in my car for about 15 minutes and just cried.  It felt good though, it had been a while since I had a really good cry, so when I finally calmed down I went and got lunch but when I got back I ate in my car just in case.  When I was done I had to pee, and it had been almost an hour so I figured she must be gone by then.

I get back to my desk and after a couple minutes I see her again.  But this time she is much closer to my department.  Another lady, who is a baby fanatic and who had already went to see her earlier, went over to talk to her again and then came back to her desk holding the baby.  She sits two cubes in front of me.  Great.  So I decided it was a good time to take a package to the mailroom.  When I got back she was still there, so I stood in the hallway for a bit.  I tried to hold the tears back but I couldn't, especially when a friend walked by and asked if I was ok, which of course made me cry more.

When I told her why I was upset she was like oh I'm so sorry, and she suggested I go for a walk.  So I went to the bathroom and cried some more and when I calmed down enough I headed back to my desk, but she was STILL THERE.  I don't know Jill well enough to ask her to go away, and I wouldn't have even been able to get the words out anyway, I would have been a crying hysterical mess in front of everyone.  So I went back out to the hall and sat down.  A little bit later my co-worker walked by to go to the bathroom and she was like what are you doing sitting here all by yourself.  I didn't really answer her though and she went in the bathroom.

She came out a bit later and she was like I'm so sorry, I'm such a dummy sometimes.  Do you want me to let you know when she leaves?  I have to say, I am very happy she apologized and recognized why I was upset, but the damage was already done.  I'm angry because so many people at my work seems so oblivious of my pain.  I mean, I really don't expect people to walk on eggshells; her being there bothered me so I removed myself from the situation.  But seriously, a two hour visit is a little extreme, and why do you have to be in my department with the baby?  It's been four months, I know people don't think about it all the time like I do, but is it really so far in the back of their heads that it doesn't even remotely dawn on them to maybe not bring a newborn baby right in front of me?

If it were the other way around, if I had my baby and Jill lost hers, I am 100% certain I would be mindful of that and not stay that long and certainly not go over to her department and flaunt my kid.  In fact, once my rainbow is here, I've decided I won't be taking my baby in.  First of all, I dislike most of the people at work.  I mean, they're ok for co-workers but many of them annoy me so they don't need to see my baby.  But also because I don't even want to risk putting anyone through the pain I was in today.  You never know the struggles someone is going through.  I'll be happy to show them pictures, but bringing him or her in won't be happening.

I know nobody was doing this to purposefully hurt me, but in some ways the utter lack of sensitivty is just as painful.  It makes me angry that people are that blatantly blind to what I went through, but also because it is obvious everyone else is completely over it and have moved on.  I mean, I know they felt terrible for me when they first heard, but it's been four months.  Not only have they moved on, but they probaably think I am over it and I'm fine and it wasn't a big deal.  The biggest common thing I've heard among fellow loss moms is that we just want to be acknowledged as moms, we want our babies to be acknowledged as people and we want people to understand that it is a big deal.

So I sat out in the hall for like another 20-25 minutes and finally went back to my desk and she was gone....then I realized she was in the next department over and I kept hearing the baby cry.  Finally I emailed my boss and asked if he could politely ask if they could wrap their visit up, but it turns out they were just about to leave anyway so he didn't say anything to her.  What an absolutely shittastic day.