Capture your Grief Day 7- 16 wks 4 days

Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it down – photograph it.

I'm so happy for this subject today.  While understandable, much of my blog is sadness and anger over what people haven't done or the bad things they've said, but writing down the good comments made me realize how many more good comments there were than bad, and how much love and support we've had surrounding us.

I've written about it before, but one of my favorite comments came from my dad's girlfriend's daughter.  She is 40 years old, but has cerebral palsy and has the mind of a 7 year old.  I didn't see her for a couple of months after our loss, and I am certain that was deliberate on Brenda's part, most likely afraid Rhonda would say the wrong thing to me.   I have to admit, I was afraid to see her.  Not sure of what she would say, and unsure I would be able to hold my composure if she said something not great. 

Finally we went to a BBQ at Brenda's house one day, and I had been there for about half an hour when Rhonda came out onto the porch.  There were about 6 others on the porch with us, and she came up to me, gave me a hug and quietly said, I'm so sorry you lost your baby.  It was one of, if not the sweetest comment I received and it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.

One of the simplest things to say, but one of the most effective is I'm sorry for your loss.  It's to the point, it comforting and it's not trying to tell me how to feel, how to think or what happened.  It's suitable for any kind of loss, and I doubt a person on this earth could find fault with it.

 I was always very moved by the comments that showed that others hurt with us.  We grieve with you, our hearts are broken, my heart breaks for you....I once read that in a tragedy, you have layers of people affected.  In the middle were of course Ryan and I.  As her parents, we were the ones most affected, we were the ones whose hearts were ripped out.  In the outer ring is our parents, siblings, and best friends, who lost their granddaughter and niece.  They hurt for the loss of Kayla, and they hurt because we were hurting.  And then there is the next outer ring, which is our friends, extended family and acquaintances.  Of course they were not as deeply affected by our loss, but to know that they hurt too, that they were crushed by Kayla's loss, and hurt for us gave us so much support.  It showed me how much Kayla was loved, how important her life was and how important we are to our friends and family.

My other favorite comments are ones where people acknowledge that she was our daughter, and use her name.  One of the biggest fears among loss parents is that our children will be forgotten, especially as new children come into the world.  I cannot wait to meet Boo, I cannot wait till he or she is here and I can hold them and rock them and watch them grow.  But I will never stop missing Kayla, a part of me that's happy to experience these things with Boo, will always be sad I didn't get to experience them with Kayla.  Using her name, calling her our daughter and acknowldging that she was a person that lived, if only for a very short time, keeps her alive in our hearts.  As long as she is remembered, she will never truly be gone.

Capture your Grief Day 6- 16 wks 3 days

Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

The first two were gems from my old boss.  It was just days after we lost her, I went in to my office after hours to get something off my computer and of all people I didn't want to run into, she was still there and came over to talk to us.  I've ranted about the "it was part of God's plan" too many times, so I'll pass on that one.  But what would make a person think that it's ever ok to tell her former employee and her husband (that she was meeting for the first time) that we can have fun trying again, just 4 days after we lost our daughter.  First, please do not ever reference anything about my husband and I having sex.  Secondly, trying to get pregnant is not fun, especially for as long as we had been trying.  It's work, it's timing, it's not fun....at all.  Sometimes the ends justified the means and it turned out to be enjoyable, but you want to do something because you want to, not because you're about to ovulate so you have to.

Third, we were trying again when I should have been in my third trimester with Kayla.  She made it sounds as though our mindset should be, well we lost that one, but whohoo let's go try again.  Like it was no big deal, like Kayla was not important and we'll just try to replace her.  That was by far the most hurtful implication of that statement.  

The final statement was made by a co-worker when she saw a picture of Kayla's gravestone.  I try to have understanding for the most part, I try to tell myself that people just don't understand and they never will if they haven't been there.  But there was just so much disgust and judgement in her tone when she said that, I literally wanted to punch her in the face and I have barely spoken to her since.  Not that she and I were ever friends, but she's not even worth my time of small talk in the office anymore.  Kayla was a person, she was my daughter and it makes me sick that anyone would speak of her as if she didn't even deserve a name.

Capture your Grief Day 5- 16 wks day 2

Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.

This is just a temporary memorial garden for now.   We have grand plans to make one corner of the yard a garden for her with the angel as a centerpiece, an archway and some beautiful flowers including some forget-me-nots and maybe a garden stone with a nice inscription.  With landscaping the front yard this summer, we kind of ran out of time and funds, plus we want to really have time to plan it and do it right.  But I love this temporary one we did, just to have something for her for now.

Capture your Grief Day 4- 16 wks 1 day

Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it.

Anything we have pertaining to Kayla is a treasured item, but when it comes to things that are irreplaceable, I'd have to say her outfit she wore in the hospital.  I hated to even wash it, but the nurse recommended we do because of fluids and such, and she was right, there were some stains.  I just hated to wash the last and only thing she ever wore and touched.  We put it in a shadow box and hung it in the nursery.
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I went out today and bought The Little Mermaid.  I only have it on VHS, and it's released from the vault so I wanted to make sure to get it while it's out.  If Boo turns out to be a girl, I need to stock up on princess movies  :)

I just realized how optimistic I'm being about the future.  We plan on announcing to FB and therefore our extended family and friends after we pass Kayla's loss milestone.  I am excited to do this, and I probably think about it almost everyday.  But I don't think about "if" we get to announce, I think when.  I go for my first cervical measurement next week, and for whatever reason I am not nervous that I'll have shortened.  I don't know why, usually I tend to think the worst because I seem to think it will be easier to take any bad news if I prepare for it (psssha), but I feel very confident that my cervix will be ok.  I hope my feeling is right.

But to all you Positive Pattis out there, I feel this way because I feel this way.  Harping on me to think positively, or not to worry does not do any good.  I cannot make myself feel optimistic, I just do.  So for the good news/bad news this week....the bad news is, I am still having troubles controlling my bloodsugar, which is frustrating, but I did lose 3 pounds this week, putting me at a negative 5 pounds this pregnancy so far.  Having a deficit is a nice cushion so I don't worry about gaining too much.  And maybe it will keep my doctors from thinking I am not trying to control my sugar....I don't know if they would think that or not, but at least my weight does speak for itself and shows I must be doing something right. 

Capture your Grief Day 3, 16 wks

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss. Sam as yesterday if you would prefer to you can share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done!

This was taken at Kayla's balloon release the day after her due date.  This picture is a good representation of me now.   I sometimes smile, I often cry, but most days I am just there.  I think there is an underlying sadness in this picture, even though I was trying to keep my composure. 

Capture your Grief day 2- 15 wks 6 days

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you before your loss. You could share a drawing/sketch or painting you have done if you would prefer that!

This was taken I believe around 18 weeks with Kayla.  Most of my weekly pictures were not share-worthy because I looked a mess after work and my hair was just in a messy bun.  But this day I had just gotten my hair cut, and my husband and I were going out for Sushi that night for a belated Valentine's day celebration.  We were just days away from our anatomy scan in which we would find out we were having a little girl.  I was very very happy.
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Whiiine, my gums hurt!  It would be ok if it were like the pregnancy gingivitus last time where eating chewy things hurt my tender gums.  But this time, they're not just tender to pressure....actually they're not tender to preassure at all, but the mere presence of any food irritates them.  But the worst is my tounge.  My tounge is so sore; I normally always brush my tounge after my teeth but I just can't do it right now, it feels like I'm using the coarsest sand paper there is. 

A little background on my tounge ('cause you always wanted to know right)....I have a geographical tounge.  You can google it, but beware, some of the pics looks like the person's tounge is rotting in their mouth.  Mine does NOT look like that.  Mine just has what looks like a few cuts on it.  I never thought my tounge looked weird until my husband mentioned it, and he stuck his tounge out at me, which to my surprise had no cuts whatsoever.  Whoa, normal tounges really don't look like mine?

So the next time I was at the dentist I asked my hygenist if my tounge looked weird to her.  She paused and said, well, you have a geographical tounge, it's perfectly normal but you're more susceptical to certain foods bothering it.  She was right, even when not pregnant, certain foods bother me, but not always.  Sometimes I can gobble down a Fattoush salad like a pro, other times about halfway through the dressing starts to burn....sometimes even a candy bar is too hard on my tounge, I guess the sugar.  She said she does not clean my dad or brother's teeth, so she can't say if they have it and she couldn't remember if my mom had it, but it is genetic.

So the next time I saw my dad I told him to stick out his tounge.  He looked like I was nuts and I told him why.  He didn't want to do it, so I was like does your tounge have little cracks and what looks like cuts and he said yes they all do.  Ha, he is the culprit!  I highly doubt BOTH of my parents had it.  The next time I saw my brother, I made him stick out his tounge and he got the cursed tounge as well.

So yeah, some foods often hurt my tounge, but this is like pain X 10,000.  I see my dentist soon, so I'll have to ask if it's a pregnancy thing.  I seem to remember my tender gums feeling much better by about 18-19 weeks last time, so I am hoping this goes away soon.  I already have a strict diet for GD, I can't limit it even more with soft, bland foods.

On another whiney note, I am sick.  My husband shared his cold with me, how nice of him.  But he feels really really bad, and even went to Target and bought me a whole mess of pregnancy approved medicine.  I wuv him!  It started on Saturday, I was a little sneezy, but we had gone to the Humane Society to look at dogs, and ended up playing with cats while we were there too.  So I assumed they bothered my allergies.  Luckily we didn't find anything we liked (though there were about a dozen kittens I would have snapped up in a heartbeat if Ryan would let me be a crazy cat lady).  We had decided against a dog right now, because with the high risk pregnancy, possible future bed rest, and just a new baby in generl, we don't need the extra stress of a new puppy.

But when your husband excitedly says, let's go look at puppies today!....well how do you say no to that?  So there is a chance we could end up with a dog, if we end up going often enough and actually find one we want.  It won't be the smartest thing we've ever done, but whatevs, puppies are cute!  By Sunday night I was starting to think it wasn't allergies, that he had given me his cold and by Monday I was absolutely miserable.  I've had to force myself to go to work all week....yesterday I was so close to leaving at noon but I talked myself into staying.  I've got 10 vacation hours, and I need to save them for Vegas at the end of the month. 

So I've decided that Boo is going to be a laid back baby.  I hope so anyway....I have no idea if Kayla would have been wild, but I always had to search for her with the doppler, she could be anywhere, and on ultrasounds she was quite wiggly.  But Boo, everytime I use my doppler, I find him square in the middle, every time.  On u/s, he moves around a bit, but the one time she was standing on her head, and the next time she was laying on her face.  I think he finds a position that is comortable and just sets up camp.  My mom said I didn't move a whole lot, and I ended up being a very laid back baby who loved my sleep, so I'm hoping for the same for Boo.

Capture your Grief Day 1- 15 wks 5 days

Day 1. Sunrise I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning
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Ok so I cheated a little, this picture is from the morning of my cerclage as we were driving to the hospital.  I love looking at the sky in the morning, it's my one good thing on my drive to work.  But I'm usually running late and I doubt it would be good to be a hazard on the road, trying to get a picture while I drive.  This was taken Thursday September 19th at around 7:45am in Dearborn, Mi