I'm so happy for this subject today. While understandable, much of my blog is sadness and anger over what people haven't done or the bad things they've said, but writing down the good comments made me realize how many more good comments there were than bad, and how much love and support we've had surrounding us.
I've written about it before, but one of my favorite comments came from my dad's girlfriend's daughter. She is 40 years old, but has cerebral palsy and has the mind of a 7 year old. I didn't see her for a couple of months after our loss, and I am certain that was deliberate on Brenda's part, most likely afraid Rhonda would say the wrong thing to me. I have to admit, I was afraid to see her. Not sure of what she would say, and unsure I would be able to hold my composure if she said something not great.
Finally we went to a BBQ at Brenda's house one day, and I had been there for about half an hour when Rhonda came out onto the porch. There were about 6 others on the porch with us, and she came up to me, gave me a hug and quietly said, I'm so sorry you lost your baby. It was one of, if not the sweetest comment I received and it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.
One of the simplest things to say, but one of the most effective is I'm sorry for your loss. It's to the point, it comforting and it's not trying to tell me how to feel, how to think or what happened. It's suitable for any kind of loss, and I doubt a person on this earth could find fault with it.
I was always very moved by the comments that showed that others hurt with us. We grieve with you, our hearts are broken, my heart breaks for you....I once read that in a tragedy, you have layers of people affected. In the middle were of course Ryan and I. As her parents, we were the ones most affected, we were the ones whose hearts were ripped out. In the outer ring is our parents, siblings, and best friends, who lost their granddaughter and niece. They hurt for the loss of Kayla, and they hurt because we were hurting. And then there is the next outer ring, which is our friends, extended family and acquaintances. Of course they were not as deeply affected by our loss, but to know that they hurt too, that they were crushed by Kayla's loss, and hurt for us gave us so much support. It showed me how much Kayla was loved, how important her life was and how important we are to our friends and family.
My other favorite comments are ones where people acknowledge that she was our daughter, and use her name. One of the biggest fears among loss parents is that our children will be forgotten, especially as new children come into the world. I cannot wait to meet Boo, I cannot wait till he or she is here and I can hold them and rock them and watch them grow. But I will never stop missing Kayla, a part of me that's happy to experience these things with Boo, will always be sad I didn't get to experience them with Kayla. Using her name, calling her our daughter and acknowldging that she was a person that lived, if only for a very short time, keeps her alive in our hearts. As long as she is remembered, she will never truly be gone.
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