Capture your Grief Day 25- 19 wks 1 day

Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing Share a photo from your baby shower or blessing. Maybe you could show everyone the gifts you received that you were not able to use.

Well this is another one I cannot really do, because I never made it to my shower.  We were however, planning my shower the day I went into labor.  I hate that the day started out as so special and fun, only to end in heartache.  But some good did come out of it.  We nailed down all of the basic plans for it, like where to have it and what kind of food, basic theme ideas, etc.  So now, all of my girlies can completely plan it without me and they already know what I would like.  Brenda told me to do nothing but sit around in a dress every weekend of January and wait to be told to go, hahaha...I will actually know when it is now, because it looks like my brother is getting married in January, so that only left so many weekends. 

But I'm really excited for my shower and I have to admit, I'm pretty geeked about the "do nothing" plan.  I tend to feel guilty over things like this; for my wedding shower I hosted one meeting with moms and bridesmaids and attended another; I even made a salad to add to the buffet.  But with the stress and worry with this pregnancy, I welcome the idea of doing nothing, and just showing up and enjoying my day with my friends and family.  Brenda even told me she has secretly been talking to my best friend about plans :)

So, I feel like a bad mom.  Yesterday marked 7 months since Kayla was born.  I almost never notice the date on the day, usually a few days later.  And honestly I only notice it then because I have a memorial ticker on my bump siggy.  I know it doesn't make me a bad mom, I think of Kayla everyday and I miss her so much.  But I'm usually so good at remembering dates and anniversaries.  Well one thing is for sure, I will never miss her angelversary. 

I went to the cemetery last week, intending to take her teddy bear home to wash it....but THAT made me sad.  It makes me sad to see it all wet and dirty, but it makes me sad to take it home to wash it.  She needs her teddy bear there with her.  I know that sounds silly, she isn't THERE and therefore doesn't need her teddy, but try telling my irrational brain that.

I asked my husband yesterday if he would be ready to go register around mid to late November, after our milestone.  He said he didn't really think we needed to, we can just unhide the old one.  But I explained that I just cannot go back to Buy Buy Baby after the way they treated me concerning Kayla's loss.  I know they don't care if they don't get any money from my registry, but I just cannot set foot in that store.  So we basically need to start from scratch and I want to go to Babies R Us. 

Most of the items we'll pick the same thing, like the baby gates, monitor, bath, diapers etc.  But I want a different stroller, and of course her nursery theme will be different.  So we made a deal, I'll go by myself someday and start it, adding all of the basic, boring stuff.  It was fun to do it with him the first time, but this time won't be as fun so I'll just make it like an errand that I have to do.  Then he and I can go for a shorter trip and add the things that we both want input on, like nursery decor, stroller, etc.

I think that's a good compromise; hell I can probably add most of that stuff online.  But so far I cannot get him to bend on an owl nursery theme.  I never liked the little cartoon owls before, but now they've totally grown on me and I love them.  Her nursery walls are grey, furniture will be dark wood, I think pink owl bedding and wall decals would be adorable, but he doesn't like them.  Dragonflies is my back up and I would settle for those, so hopefully we can agree.

I posted on TB the other day about how I don't like kicks, and they ick me out, but I should clarify.  I LOVE the ones that come here and there.  They make me smile and it's such a nice reassurance, my baby girl is saying hello.  I just don't like the little spurts of them, that feel like a muscle twitch.  She was going at it for over an hour the other day.  Those ick me out, it's a very strange feeling.