Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.
I have two; the first one was in the hospital, the day after Kayla was born. I woke up around 6am after my last temp check; it was still dark out and Ryan was still asleep on the dad couch. Kayla had spent the night in the crib next to my bed.
So I sat up in bed, got her out of her crib and held her and sobbed. It was the worst, yet most beautiful moment of my life. The rest of the world was sleeping, and I had my baby girl in my arms. I feel like to say anything more about it takes away from what it was.
The other moment was a couple weeks after we were home. We had gone to my husband's first 5K since we lost her...the last one we went to, I was still pregnant. So it was really hard to go and I wasn't in a good mood at all. It was one of the few days I had to get up early in the six weeks I was off work, so I couldn't sleep and didn't end up sleeping at all. After the race we went to breakfast, and then I came home and napped for hours, but ended up feeling worse when I woke up.
We were supposed to go out for dinner for my brother's birthday, so my dad called to find out if I was going. As soon as I heard his voice, the floodgates opened and I burst into tears. He asked if I was having a bad day and I said yes. It was like deciding to go to dinner was literally the hardest thing, I just couldn't make the decision. I wanted to go, and absolutely didn't want to go all at the same time.
I was no stranger to grief, I had a rough childhood at times, and then lost my mom when I was 25. The summer before last, despite them being older, it was very hard to lose my grandparents, whom I adored, within weeks of each other. So overall I knew the stages of grief, I knew that one day I would feel better....I wouldn't get over it, I wouldn't move on but I would move forward and it wouldn't always hurt this bad. But that day, basically in the very depth of my grief, I didn't think it would ever get better. I felt so suffocated and I couldn't see a way out. I didn't see any light at the end up the tunnel, my heart was literally breaking and I didn't know how I was ever going to feel better again.
My dad talked to me for a while, and while I felt better afterward, it was still a bad day. But I have that day to look back on, when I hit the rock bottom of rock bottom, and I know I climbed out. That day stands as my measure, to see how far I have come in 7 months. And anytime I have another bad day, I can look back to that day and know that it did get better again.
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So, my family has been slipping a little, calling Boo by her name. I guess in some ways, what can I expect? If I really wanted to not use it, I guess we shouldn't have told people what we'll be calling her. But at the same time, I'm confused why people can't respect our wishes to continue calling her Boo. That's what we called her for months now, why is it suddenly hard to keep calling her that? I guess I will just have to correct people as they slip up, and from here on out we won't be sharing the name anymore. Lesson learned.
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