Capture you Grief Day 10- 17 wks

Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you.

Kayla's symbol is a butterfly.  Her nursery wasn't going to have a theme per se, but her mobile, lamp and a couple wall hangings were going to have butterflies on them.  Since we lost her and deciding that butterflies were the symbol that reminded us of her, I've seen that butterflies is a pretty popular theme amongst lost babies.  I found this and I agree that it is a good symbol:
Butterfly: A butterfly represents the soul. It signifies a short life - the butterfly transforming from caterpillar (life) through chrysalis (death) to butterfly (resurrection) in only a short space of time.

As you can see from yesterday's post, we have butterflies on her grave stone .  We put in new landscape this past summer and some of the flowers we planted attract butterflies, and I always smile when I see them fluttering around the yard.  We just got this ornament a few days ago and I think it is such a beautiful symbol for our beautiful butterfly.
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So the spotting got a little worse last night, but today it is better.  I was very anxious and nervous at bed time because in addition to the light pink on the TP, the toilet water was now a bright pinkish red.  I had a pretty fitful sleep, and actually dreamed that I had the baby, but again she was a fine, and a girl.  Given my multiple dreams about Boo being a girl, and my picturing her being a girl, it's probably a boy, lol.  But don't get me wrong, a boy would be just fine too.  I just want to bring Boo home, no matter a P or a V.

So this morning I got up and it wasn't any better, but thankfully no worse.  So I called in for at least the morning, and went back to bed until the doctor opened.  I talked to the nurse, she said I could come in for heart tones, but I didn't see the point of that since I found the HB three times with my doppler.  She agreed that it very well could have been from the pelvic exam and that if it stayed pink, she wasn't too worried.

I considered going into work for the afternoon, but like Ryan said, if it got worse or even continued as it was at work, I would probably freak out, so I just took the whole day off and took it easy.  By the afternoon it had turned more brownish, and now in the evening it's almost gone.  Whew!  I mean, I knew at 17 weeks the chances of bleeding meaning a total loss is kind of slim, at least not like bleeding at say 8 weeks.  And since sex can cause spotting, it made complete sense that a pelvic exam, and might I say not the most gentle pevic exam could do it as well.  I'll have a pelvic exam every two weeks, so I had better just expect to spot every time. 

But still, no matter how much I can expect it, it's still scary and I'm so thankful everything is ok.