This is a memory box I put together for Kayla. I love the box, it has butterflies on it. Inside is a blanket the chaplain gave us after her blessing ceremony, sympathy cards from friends and family, her photo album, her name card from the hospital and many other things we had for her. It took me several months to put it together. When I did, it was very healing. I had a good cry and I loved reading all of the messages from our loved ones, and going through my daughter's things. I'm so glad I have these things that will always be a part of Kayla.
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I need to vent. It's kind of a whole conglomeration of things that have been bothering me and I need to get them out. When I tell you I am pregnant and 18 weeks along, don't tell me I am in the safe zone, and when I tell you I still have 4 weeks to get past my loss milestone, don't tell me "still 18 weeks is good". I mean of course, an early loss was still a worry of ours, a loss at any time is a worry, but we won't be able to breathe easier until we are past 22 weeks.
Yes, puking in my first tri gave me some reassurance. I have no idea if there is any truth to a pregnancy being "stronger" if you have morning sickness, but it did reassure me nonetheless. But puking at this point just makes me feel like shit and makes my face purple. It has absolutely no bearing on what my cervix does or doesn't do and it just makes no sense to say my puking at 18 weeks is a good thing. Why don't you go yack your brains out, have a swollen purple face and be in agony every time you swallow for several hours after, and let me tell you what a good thing it is.
I get that everyone is excited to find out the sex on Tuesday. It doesn't bother me when people express excitement over it, we are excited too. But don't harp on it, and don't constantly say you know we're having a boy. It doesn't matter. I want to bring this baby home, boy or girl, it doesn't make a difference. I can't deny that a small part of me does hope it is a girl, because I was so excited to have a girl last time and probably in some ways hoping for a girl is my way of coping. Another girl will not replace Kayla, but maybe it would heal my heart just a small fraction. But if Boo is a boy, we will be overjoyed and so happy. I just want to see him or her again, to know everything is ok, and knowing the sex is an exciting perk. Also, we will be texting you with the results. I am sorry if that offends anybody; we did the big gender reveal last time, and this time we just want to do low key. The idea of calling everyone close to us and telling them is exhausting and we will not be doing it.
Constantly telling me you already know it's a boy pisses me off, because A. it doesn't matter, B. are you saying you won't love her if she's a girl, and C. It kind of offended me that the logic is if I have a boy, you can have a girl. You are not pregnant, and quite frankly I am not concerned with what sex baby you have until you are actually pregnant. Right now I am focused on my baby, and whether or not our nursery will be put to use in 5 months. Yes I am being selfish, and yes I feel completely entitled to at the moment.
Finally, do not tell me not to worry. I've lost two babies and I have no guarantee that this one will be ok either. Would you tell the mother of a cancer patient not to worry? Afterall, your child may get better. No, I am a mother and I worry. Sometimes the worry is productive, sometimes it isn't, but I'm going to worry until my baby is in my arms, and telling me not to isn't going to change anything. I get that it probably comes from a good place and it pains you to see us hurting and worrying, and you are probably worried as well and are trying to calm yourself as well as calm us. But let me talk about what scares me. And I understand losing Kayla affected a lot of people, and a lot of people are worried about Boo, but as their parents, I think we kind of gets dibs on being the most worried and if that's what we need to do, then let us.
Ok, I feel a bit better now
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