Capture your Grief Day 14-17 wks 4 days

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

My husband and I, along with my dad, MIL, and FIL went to a walk sponsored by the TEARS Foundation called The Rock N Walk.  It was the first annual event in our area, so it was small, but I hope to attend each year and see it become a bigger event each time.  We participated in the fundraiser and raised $250 which I later learned was enough to pay for a cremation for one family, or a special urn.  It felt good to be able to pay our good fortune forward.  Our parents paid for Kayla's visitation, funeral, grave, and gravestone.  There is no way we would have ever afforded that on our own.  It's wonderful that the hospital provides an option free of charge to give parents a place to go to mourn their children, but if we can help families avoid the free generic graves then I am more than happy to.
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So I chickened out, I canceled my appointment with the pastor.  I just don't think I am ready yet.  I was excited, but as I got closer and closer to the appointment, I was very nervous about going.  Once I was there and started talking I would have probably been happy to be there, but right now it's stressing me out.  I emailed her to let her know, and she said she understands and whenever I am ready, she's there.  So hopefully I'll be ready in the near future.  But she did tell me that also had a loss, an earlier miscarriage, but she had a friend that went through a stillbirth so she said she has walked the path of questioning her faith as well.  I just wish it was easier to take that step to go talk to her.

But I do feel better after talking to my dad the other day.  We have very similar personalities and views on things, so he knew where I was coming from when I said I don't believe God makes things happen, good or bad.  But I was confused about what He does do.  My dad said, he gave us life, and free will.  Basically our lives our ours to do what we choose with them, he is there to comfort us and support us, but our life goes where we take it.  Some people never have anything bad happen to them, while others cannot seem to climb out from under the bad, but He doesn't make any of it happen.

That was a very satisfying answer for me.  While I've had plenty of bad stuff happen to me, I've had tons of wonderful amazing things happen to me as well.  I always know that whatever I am going through, someone, somewhere has it worse.  I like the idea that God gave us life, and gave us the power to control it the way we see fit.  He's always there for us, but he lets us stumble and celebrate on our own, like a good parent.  So I may not be ready to talk to the pastor yet, I do feel like I've gotten some answers and have a better outlook on my faith.

Speaking of my wonderful dad, he was over our house yesterday putting in the electrical boxes for our outside outlets.  I was meeting his girlfriend at his house to go shopping, so he ended up leaving about 10 or 15 minutes before I did, but I still beat him to his house.  So when he got there I asked where he got lost, and he said he stopped to visit his granddaughter.  I was confused for a minute, but then I realized he meant Kayla, and he stopped by the cemetery <3  I know he loves Kayla, and I know he was broken hearted over her loss, but I always worried that he might not consider her his first granddaughter, or maybe it just wouldn't occur to him that she is.  But when he said that my heart melted :)