Capture your Grief Day 18- 18 wks 1 days

Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner?

Oops, I'm a little late today.  Here is my husband and I with Kayla's butterfly at the remembrance walk.  We do have a large family, and they are all great and supportive.  Actually this picture of us is our family of four, Kayla was with us in spirit and I'm pregnant with Boo here.
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 I had a bit of a scare today.  I had more discharge today than other days and sorry for the TMI, but it was kind of yellowish.  I never questioned my excessive discharge last time and I should have, so it worried me and I didn't want to ignore it so I called the nurse.  They must have been really busy though because she didn't get back to me until she was about to leave, and by the time I got her message she was gone.

I went back and forth on it, and fnally decided to call the doctor on call.  If tomorrow were a week day, I would have just waited and called the office, but since it's Friday I would have had to wait until Monday.  Luckily again it was my doctor that was on call.  My other doctor would have been good too, but I always worry it's going to be one of the guy doctors.  I've only met one very briefly in the hospital and they just aren't familiar with my history.

My big fear was that she wouldn't give me a yes or no answer as to whether the discharge was bad, but just have me come in just in case.  Of course it's always better to be safe than sorry, but it's just not plausible to run to L&D every singe time I worry, so I try to really determine if I need to call or go.  I just hated the idea of being stuck there all night if it turned out to be nothing.  But I spoke to my doctor and she said what I was describing was normal.  She said she understands I am getting to the point where I am going to worry more, and she would be more than happy to see me, but she thought everything sounded normal so I didn't need to come in if I didn't want to.

That was exactly what I was hoping to hear.  I of course wonder about the woulda coulda shoulda last time, but there wasn't a whole lot of opportunity that I feel I could have or should have known to go in sooner than I did, that could result in things going differently.  But, I have this enormous amount of pressure to not ignore any red flags this time, but it's hard to know what is a red flag, and what is more unnecessary worry.  But after I talked to her it was like all the worry (for now) was lifted and I'm so excited to enjoy my weekend without worry in the back of my mind.

My anatomy scan is coming up, just three days away!  It also starts my weekly appointments.  So I'll go weekly for the next 5 weeks, and my last weekly appt before I go back to every other week will be when I am 22 weeks 5 days, and we lost Kayla at 22 weeks 2 days.  So assuming all still looks good, I think I will feel ok to go back to every other week.  I just can't wait to see Boo on Tuesday. 

PS I'm pretty sure I felt at least a few kicks yesterday and today.  Nice to feel them again, it's been a while since the initial ones.