I'm a big cemetery person; I know some aren't, but I find a lot of comfort visiting a loved ones grave. If I am having a bad day, the cemetery is often the first place I go, I like the peace and quiet and I feel like she can hear me best when I am there. I also try to go frequently to do upkeep around her grave. I was at the store yesterday and picked her out a tiny pumpkin so I'll have to go soon to take it to her.
I was very happy when her grave stone came in and it was absolutely perfect. We'll never get to buy her toys or dolls or anything else, so this was the one thing we could buy for our daughter that shows everyone how much we love her.
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Sigh, why can't I ever have two good pregnancy days in a row? First, I am spotting. It's not a lot, it's mostly just light pink on the TP, and this last time the water was slightly tinged pink, but so far nothing is on the pad. I managed to finish making dinner and eat before I broke out the doppler and Boo's heartbeat is strong as ever, around 164. I just hate hate spotting and I wish it would never happen. I was going to clean the kitchen tonight but decided I should take it easy. Since my cervix just measured long and was closed yesterday, I'm pretty confident that everything is fine and doesn't warrant a call to the on call doc, but I'd be so thrilled if it stops soon.
She did a pelvic exam yesterday to check my stiches and cervix so maybe she just irritated it and that's why I'm spotting. Let's hope so. So on top of that, my soon to be SIL is trying to set the date for their wedding. She text me and asked if I have talked to Brenda yet about my shower date. I said no, I don't want to start planning it until after my loss milestone of 22 weeks, but off the top of my head probably mid -January, I'll be 30-32 ish weeks. She asked when my due date was again, and I knew what was coming....to see if I am open to having my shower at the beginning of February, because she's concerned about having the wedding when I am very far along and not able to come, or that they won't be back from their honeymoon when the baby comes.
Ok first, I said I didn't want to discuss my shower yet. I went into labor the day we were planning it last time, so at 17 weeks, no I definitely am not in any rush to discuss it, especially on a night when I am spotting and anxious. Second, I completely understand that a person's wedding day is important. My wedding day was one of the best days of my life, and I am happy for them, but right now I really cannot be concerned when their wedding is. It's tough to plan around a normal pregnancy, let alone a high risk one.
Boo is going to come when he wants to come, and my cervix is going to do what it's going to do. At this point, I can't even say for sure that things will still be ok next month, so I certainly can't say what is going to happen in four months. Third, I know a shower is a gift and you should be grateful that people want to do it at all and you shouldn't be demanding....but given my situation, I think I have a little leeway to be a little picky about when I have it. I have no clue what is average for someone with an IC. I have a ton of hope that we'll make it far enough that Boo can survive, and even better to avoid any serious NICU time, but I have to say, I am not super confident about making it past 37 weeks.
I need as little stress as possible, so having a shower around 34+ weeks makes me anxious. I've had to give up many things in our attempt to bring home a baby, and while it pales in comparison, if we are blessed enough to be able to bring Boo home, healthy and stress free, I would like to get to have a shower and celebrate Boo's arrival with my friends and family. Of course bringing Boo home is the most important thing, but if we could celebrate before her arrival and I get to do one normal happy thing that pregnant women get to do, that would be very nice.
Like I said, I don't want to act like me being pregnant is more important than her getting married; their both very exciting things for the person going through them. But I've been pregnant since July, she's been engaged for four days. I'm under a lot of stress and I don't want to be forced into doing things I am uncomfortable with, and I simply cannot give her the answers she's looking for. Basically they need to pick a date, and whatever happens happens. I hate the idea of not going to my brother's wedding, but my health and my baby's health is my top priority. I've accepted a lot of things are out of my control, and should the timing of their wedding somehow not work well for one reason or another, there's nothing I can do about that.
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