I don't post much anymore on the loss board because I just don't feel right. Now that I have Emily I kind of feel like I would be rubbing it in their faces for those moms that don't have their rainbow yet. But I do stop in often and read posts, and the one I read tonight broke my heart. A fellow loss mom who is grieving the loss of her twins ten months ago has now just lost another baby, a daughter at 19 weeks.
To go through it once is hell enough, I cannot even fathom going through it again. We still haven't decided if we will try for a third eventually or not, but that is one of the things stopping me, the idea of another loss. Even an early loss would stop me in my tracks; if we do decide to try again I just don't think I could keep going if we experienced another. Ryan doesn't think I have IC....based on the fact that they couldn't completely diagnose me with it with Kayla, and how well my cervix held up with Emily, he doesn't think I have it. Of course he is supportive of me being treated for it anyway should we decide to try again and get another cerclage, but that's his personal belief.
I on the other hand, hope I do have IC. If it wasn't IC, then it was the chorio. There is nothing that can be done about that. I know I made it through with Emily just fine, but they don't know how to prevent an infection. I mean, of course there are things that you can do, but if it was the chorio, I didn't do anything to bring it on. So it was just bum luck for lack of a better phrase. At least with IC I feel in control, the cerclage worked once so I would feel confident it would work again. And I know losing two babies to an infection would be pretty rare, but if I have learned anything from my support groups, it is that tragedy does not discriminate. It strikes where it wants to, regardless of whether it has struck before.
I just feel so terrible for that mama, I wish I could wave a magic wand and take her pain away. My heart has been very achey lately. I think maybe it is because the anniversary of my mom's death is approaching. For the first couple years, my body and mind just new it was coming, even if I wasn't consciously aware of what day it was. But that gradually went away....but I think with it being a big anniversary (10 years) and Kayla's loss still being pretty fresh and the roller coaster of emotions I went through this last year with Emily, my body can sense the anniversary this year.
A loss mom on my March board had this quote in her siggy, and I always thought it was beautiful.
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about You, but since I didn't get that chance, will You please hold them on Your lap and tell them about me?"
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
5 Months
Wow, being a stay at home mom is busier than I ever imagined, but I love it. This is my fourth week and I am just now getting to the point where I can consistently get everything done on my list for the day. I haven't even begun to think about starting any of my projects I wanted to do. I got everything done today but I was so lazy. Emily and I got up at 8, she had a bottle and I had breakfast and we would normally go for a walk but I was just so sleepy so she and I cuddled up on the couch and slept for a couple hours!
Then this evening she was fighting a nap so we took another hour and a half nap together. Snuggling with her is the absolute best part of my day. I could stare at her sleeping face all day, but I won't call her an angel. That bugs me when people call their living children angels....your children are here with you, I have a real angel in Heaven. Luckily yours are not angels.
So Emily is 5 months today. I know she's got a ways to go, but I'm panicking a little bit that she's almost halfway to a year. A year! How did that happen? She's already starting to look like a little girl to me instead of a baby. It's so unfair how short of a time they look like a baby. She is literally growing up before my eyes, learning something new almost daily. She can blow raspberries now, the other day I put her down on her tummy, I turned around for a few seconds and turned back just in time to see her flop onto her back! One proud mama here! And I am so glad she did tummy to back first because I had this fear of her getting stuck on her tummy and not being able to get back.
But now she thinks she can outsmart me, I put her down for tummy time the other day and she said nope, and flipped over, lol. She's gonna be a sassy one. When I am feeding her or snuggling with her Vinny (our cat) will often say me too me too and climb on up. Up until then Emmy had ignored the cats, but he suddenly caught her eye so she "petted" him for a bit. I use the term pet very loosly, more like grabbed his fur and pulled. I kept telling her gentle but I don't see how you can possibly teach a baby that this young. Vinny did well though, he just put up with it. The cats have been really getting on my nerves lately so I am glad he passed his first test, we'll keep them a while longer I suppose, jk.
She also smiles and laughs all the time now, it's so adorable. And I can tell she is recognizing us now. When someone else has her and she sees me she has this look on her face like oh whew, there she is. Ugh, it makes my heart soar. She's been making attempts at holding her own bottle, but just today she did really well with holding it up so she can get the milk when it's getting low. Before that she would hold it but then let it fall and I'd have to tip it up for her. I'd say another couple weeks and she'll be an expert at it. She likes my singing....when she is having troubles sleeping I will sing to her....my own made up version of mockingbird (I can never remember the real lyrics so I made some up) Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and You are my Sunshine. Now, I don't sing well....like at all, but Em loves it. For her last nap today she was having troubles settling down so I sang to her and she immediately stopped fidgeting, stared at me and kept smiling. It was so adorable.
So twice now in the last couple weeks I've worked up the guts to say Emily is our first living child when asked if she is our first. The first time was the service manager at the dealership. I am not sure why I decided to say it to him, I don't know, I guess he looked like a nice guy. Or maybe because he told me her remembers those days when I asked how much longer my car would take because I hadn't packed her any bottles since I thought we would be in and out. So anyway, when I said she is our first living he smiled and said congratulations. Last night at tennis a woman asked me and I said it again and she said first living....oh that's hard. So she got it and didn't press any further.
I don't mind talking about Kayla, I want to help break the silence, but at the same time I also don't mind when they don't press it and I think saying she is our first living is the perfect way to say it. They get it, but they don't inquire further and I don't have to feel terrible, like I am not acknowledging Kayla. Since I said it the first time I have regressed a couple times and said yes she is our first, but I am making progress I think. I am not always going to be in the right mood or situation to want to share that, but I think if I can tell the truth at least now and again that will make me feel a lot better about it.
I missed Kayla a lot last night. Yesterday was nothing special, and I know people who haven't been through it won't get it. I have Emily now, why wouldn't I be content with that? It's so hard to explain, but it's just a very tangible feeling of something missing. I have two daughters, and one of them isn't here. Of course a mother can feel that absence.
Speaking of, our Kayla Bear (Molly Bear) came the other day. She is perfect, I love her. She's a lot tinier than I realized she would be, but our Kayla was tiny so it's perfect. Here she is....
Then this evening she was fighting a nap so we took another hour and a half nap together. Snuggling with her is the absolute best part of my day. I could stare at her sleeping face all day, but I won't call her an angel. That bugs me when people call their living children angels....your children are here with you, I have a real angel in Heaven. Luckily yours are not angels.
So Emily is 5 months today. I know she's got a ways to go, but I'm panicking a little bit that she's almost halfway to a year. A year! How did that happen? She's already starting to look like a little girl to me instead of a baby. It's so unfair how short of a time they look like a baby. She is literally growing up before my eyes, learning something new almost daily. She can blow raspberries now, the other day I put her down on her tummy, I turned around for a few seconds and turned back just in time to see her flop onto her back! One proud mama here! And I am so glad she did tummy to back first because I had this fear of her getting stuck on her tummy and not being able to get back.
But now she thinks she can outsmart me, I put her down for tummy time the other day and she said nope, and flipped over, lol. She's gonna be a sassy one. When I am feeding her or snuggling with her Vinny (our cat) will often say me too me too and climb on up. Up until then Emmy had ignored the cats, but he suddenly caught her eye so she "petted" him for a bit. I use the term pet very loosly, more like grabbed his fur and pulled. I kept telling her gentle but I don't see how you can possibly teach a baby that this young. Vinny did well though, he just put up with it. The cats have been really getting on my nerves lately so I am glad he passed his first test, we'll keep them a while longer I suppose, jk.
She also smiles and laughs all the time now, it's so adorable. And I can tell she is recognizing us now. When someone else has her and she sees me she has this look on her face like oh whew, there she is. Ugh, it makes my heart soar. She's been making attempts at holding her own bottle, but just today she did really well with holding it up so she can get the milk when it's getting low. Before that she would hold it but then let it fall and I'd have to tip it up for her. I'd say another couple weeks and she'll be an expert at it. She likes my singing....when she is having troubles sleeping I will sing to her....my own made up version of mockingbird (I can never remember the real lyrics so I made some up) Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and You are my Sunshine. Now, I don't sing well....like at all, but Em loves it. For her last nap today she was having troubles settling down so I sang to her and she immediately stopped fidgeting, stared at me and kept smiling. It was so adorable.
So twice now in the last couple weeks I've worked up the guts to say Emily is our first living child when asked if she is our first. The first time was the service manager at the dealership. I am not sure why I decided to say it to him, I don't know, I guess he looked like a nice guy. Or maybe because he told me her remembers those days when I asked how much longer my car would take because I hadn't packed her any bottles since I thought we would be in and out. So anyway, when I said she is our first living he smiled and said congratulations. Last night at tennis a woman asked me and I said it again and she said first living....oh that's hard. So she got it and didn't press any further.
I don't mind talking about Kayla, I want to help break the silence, but at the same time I also don't mind when they don't press it and I think saying she is our first living is the perfect way to say it. They get it, but they don't inquire further and I don't have to feel terrible, like I am not acknowledging Kayla. Since I said it the first time I have regressed a couple times and said yes she is our first, but I am making progress I think. I am not always going to be in the right mood or situation to want to share that, but I think if I can tell the truth at least now and again that will make me feel a lot better about it.
I missed Kayla a lot last night. Yesterday was nothing special, and I know people who haven't been through it won't get it. I have Emily now, why wouldn't I be content with that? It's so hard to explain, but it's just a very tangible feeling of something missing. I have two daughters, and one of them isn't here. Of course a mother can feel that absence.
Speaking of, our Kayla Bear (Molly Bear) came the other day. She is perfect, I love her. She's a lot tinier than I realized she would be, but our Kayla was tiny so it's perfect. Here she is....
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Oh missed nap time, how I loathe thee
I have many favorite things about being a mom, one of them is seeing before my eyes how quickly Em learns new things, or masters things she was learning just a few days or weeks ago. I think one of my least favorite, is
a cranky overtired baby. We went to my cousins' baby shower today and it started at 11:30 and as long as we sleep in a little like we did today, she takes her first nap around noon.
She slept a bit on the way there, it was about a 30 minute drive, and she slept a little in my stepmom's arms at the shower, but any amount of sleep in a non super comfortable position might as well be little to no sleep. She's perfectly comfortable sleeping in the carseat or someone's arms, but my girl likes to stretch, so I don't think she gets a real quality sleep. And the noise in the room didn't bother her, she can sleep through a nuclear bomb if she wanted to (she gets that from her daddy, I was putting furniture together last night just a few feet away from him and he never even flinched, even when I was hammering) but with all of those new people to look at and the presents and the decor of the room, it was a lot of stimulation.
So we headed home around 2:30, we stopped at the cemetery first since we were out that way and I took her to her grandma's grave and her great grandma and great grandpa's graves. She's been out there a couple of times already but she's always been sleeping, so today was the first time she got out of the car and I took her to the graves. We got home around three, and all afternoon I tried to get her to sleep again but no go. She and I did fall asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes but then she woke up crying so I gave her a bottle around 7 and she fell asleep in my arms.....sleeping so soundly and peaceful, but as soon as I put her down she woke up. So then I tried her in our bed, thinking maybe just a different atmosphere might help....nope. But she seemed content so I tried making dinner, but we had another plastic bowl vs. the stove incident....long story. I decided cooking dinner in a stove where plastic just melted may not be the best idea, so I was going to go out and pick up dinner.
I was hitting a drive thru, so I decided to take her with me and go for a bit of a drive first to get her to sleep. Between the drive and the long wait to get the food, we must have been out for about 45 minutes to an hour. I have a loaner car from the dealership right now so I don't have a mirror to see her in the backseat, but as we pulled in the driveway she was quiet. I got out, opened her door and bam, she's staring at me with her big doe eyes. Ahhhhh! Why is this child not sleeping yet?
So I let her play in her activity mat while we ate dinner, then she was fussing for a bottle again so I fed her and finally, blissful sleep. She did wake up some when I put her down but she was able to entertain herself peacefully for a few minutes until she fell back to sleep. This was after 9pm. Good God I thought she would never go to sleep tonight. Not all that late, but considering I had been trying to get her to take a good nap since 3pm it felt like forever.
So back to my favorites.....she's doing so much better on her tummy time. She's still not a huge fan, but I got her a new toy that plays music and lights up that she can watch during TT and she's now up on her forearms instead of face planting and squealing around on the floor. She can even wiggle, kinda of like the same motion a snake might do to make herself move; I think she might crawl around 6 months. We'll see. I can't wait for it, but I can. I'm so excited to see her crawl, I'm so proud of everything she does, but then she'll be mobile, and I can't run downstairs and put in a load of laundry and come back and find her in the same spot once that happens.
She's doing really well with standing, she rarely even has to sit anymore. As long as I am holding her hands, she likes to stand for quite a while. I usually stand her on my lap, or on the couch in front of me, so the other day I bent over and held her hands while she stood on the floor. It was sooooo cute seeing her standing on the floor, she looked so tiny way down there and it looked funny for a baby of her age to be standing on the floor.
She also really likes her paci at naps and bedtime. She doesn't always keep it in but it helps relax her so she can fall asleep, and honestly I don't give a crap about breaking the habit later on. She's only allowed her paci for sleeping and I think it's pretty natural to need things to help get you comfortable to sleep. I cannot sleep without some kind of white noise. She only really likes her tommee tippee pacis. She's so funny, she likes to pull it out, and then try to get it back in. She hasn't quite mastered getting it back in yet, she always end up putting it in sideways and chews on the plastic around it. When she pulls it out, she clearly wants it out but she's still holding on tight with her mouth, so it "pops" when she yanks it out. It reminds me of the baby on The Simpsons.
In some ways I miss the newborn stage a little. She was so tiny and adorable...but she's still adorable but she is much more fun now. She laughs and smiles all the time, her personality is starting to show through. Nothing makes me happier than seeing that smile or hearing her laugh. During diaper changes I give her raspberries on her tummy, and I act like I'm going to bite her neck and I keep switching sides and she just laughs and laughs, it's so freaking adorable. When she hasn't seen me for a while, like in the morning when I go in to get her I am greeted by a big smile. One of these days my heart is just going to explode!
a cranky overtired baby. We went to my cousins' baby shower today and it started at 11:30 and as long as we sleep in a little like we did today, she takes her first nap around noon.
She slept a bit on the way there, it was about a 30 minute drive, and she slept a little in my stepmom's arms at the shower, but any amount of sleep in a non super comfortable position might as well be little to no sleep. She's perfectly comfortable sleeping in the carseat or someone's arms, but my girl likes to stretch, so I don't think she gets a real quality sleep. And the noise in the room didn't bother her, she can sleep through a nuclear bomb if she wanted to (she gets that from her daddy, I was putting furniture together last night just a few feet away from him and he never even flinched, even when I was hammering) but with all of those new people to look at and the presents and the decor of the room, it was a lot of stimulation.
So we headed home around 2:30, we stopped at the cemetery first since we were out that way and I took her to her grandma's grave and her great grandma and great grandpa's graves. She's been out there a couple of times already but she's always been sleeping, so today was the first time she got out of the car and I took her to the graves. We got home around three, and all afternoon I tried to get her to sleep again but no go. She and I did fall asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes but then she woke up crying so I gave her a bottle around 7 and she fell asleep in my arms.....sleeping so soundly and peaceful, but as soon as I put her down she woke up. So then I tried her in our bed, thinking maybe just a different atmosphere might help....nope. But she seemed content so I tried making dinner, but we had another plastic bowl vs. the stove incident....long story. I decided cooking dinner in a stove where plastic just melted may not be the best idea, so I was going to go out and pick up dinner.
I was hitting a drive thru, so I decided to take her with me and go for a bit of a drive first to get her to sleep. Between the drive and the long wait to get the food, we must have been out for about 45 minutes to an hour. I have a loaner car from the dealership right now so I don't have a mirror to see her in the backseat, but as we pulled in the driveway she was quiet. I got out, opened her door and bam, she's staring at me with her big doe eyes. Ahhhhh! Why is this child not sleeping yet?
So I let her play in her activity mat while we ate dinner, then she was fussing for a bottle again so I fed her and finally, blissful sleep. She did wake up some when I put her down but she was able to entertain herself peacefully for a few minutes until she fell back to sleep. This was after 9pm. Good God I thought she would never go to sleep tonight. Not all that late, but considering I had been trying to get her to take a good nap since 3pm it felt like forever.
So back to my favorites.....she's doing so much better on her tummy time. She's still not a huge fan, but I got her a new toy that plays music and lights up that she can watch during TT and she's now up on her forearms instead of face planting and squealing around on the floor. She can even wiggle, kinda of like the same motion a snake might do to make herself move; I think she might crawl around 6 months. We'll see. I can't wait for it, but I can. I'm so excited to see her crawl, I'm so proud of everything she does, but then she'll be mobile, and I can't run downstairs and put in a load of laundry and come back and find her in the same spot once that happens.
She's doing really well with standing, she rarely even has to sit anymore. As long as I am holding her hands, she likes to stand for quite a while. I usually stand her on my lap, or on the couch in front of me, so the other day I bent over and held her hands while she stood on the floor. It was sooooo cute seeing her standing on the floor, she looked so tiny way down there and it looked funny for a baby of her age to be standing on the floor.
She also really likes her paci at naps and bedtime. She doesn't always keep it in but it helps relax her so she can fall asleep, and honestly I don't give a crap about breaking the habit later on. She's only allowed her paci for sleeping and I think it's pretty natural to need things to help get you comfortable to sleep. I cannot sleep without some kind of white noise. She only really likes her tommee tippee pacis. She's so funny, she likes to pull it out, and then try to get it back in. She hasn't quite mastered getting it back in yet, she always end up putting it in sideways and chews on the plastic around it. When she pulls it out, she clearly wants it out but she's still holding on tight with her mouth, so it "pops" when she yanks it out. It reminds me of the baby on The Simpsons.
In some ways I miss the newborn stage a little. She was so tiny and adorable...but she's still adorable but she is much more fun now. She laughs and smiles all the time, her personality is starting to show through. Nothing makes me happier than seeing that smile or hearing her laugh. During diaper changes I give her raspberries on her tummy, and I act like I'm going to bite her neck and I keep switching sides and she just laughs and laughs, it's so freaking adorable. When she hasn't seen me for a while, like in the morning when I go in to get her I am greeted by a big smile. One of these days my heart is just going to explode!
Friday, August 1, 2014
My new job
Well, I've fallen a bit behind I see. I completed my first week as a stay at home mom, and I have to say, I am exhausted. I never worked this hard at work and I don't have much free time for the computer....at work all I did was sit in front of a computer, so I had more time for computer related shenanigans. Plus I just sat all day whereas now I am on my feet most of the day, so it's definitely a change, but I like it, and I love being home with Em all day. She's so much fun, we laugh and smile all day.
I didn't stick to my schedule very well all week, but that's because I kind of had to start from scratch with cleaning. I couldn't do some of the cleaning stuff on my schedule because I had to clean up clutter and get a little more organized first. But I think after next week things will run a little smoother and I'll get into the swing of things better.
But I've been mostly getting up at a decent time, I've worked out every day except today, some days twice when I have tennis in addition to my walk/run and the house is looking better and better every day. I went to Ikea with my SIL the other day and got a few things to help get more organized. Hopefully soon once the house is more organized and takes less time to clean I can start working on my projects I want to do.
So I had thought excessive hair loss was my least liked post partum thing, but it's definitely the foot pain. If google can be trusted, PP foot pain is a thing, and not a bunch of women whose feet hurt and attribute it to PP. It's tolerable if I am up and walking, but when I first get out of bed in the morning it's like every bone and tendon hurts, and my heels feel bruised. This also happens when I get up after being off my feet for a little while. I read that some hormone relaxes the tendons but when not used for a while they stiffen up and that's why it hurts. I really hope this goes away soon, it's agony and I hobble for the first few minutes. It's real attractive.
I took my car in to the dealership today to have a few things fixed and got a loaner car while it's there, a new Malibu. It's really nice, and ahhhh, it's got the new car smell. But I do not miss driving a car. It's so much harder to get her carseat in and out, and getting the stroller in and out of the trunk is a pain. Plus I like being able to just get out at standing level rather than climbing up and out of the car. It's fun to drive something new, but I'll be happy to get my Equinox back. I know for sure that I won't be going back to a car anytime soon, or at least not until I don't have any more children in a carseat.
I didn't stick to my schedule very well all week, but that's because I kind of had to start from scratch with cleaning. I couldn't do some of the cleaning stuff on my schedule because I had to clean up clutter and get a little more organized first. But I think after next week things will run a little smoother and I'll get into the swing of things better.
But I've been mostly getting up at a decent time, I've worked out every day except today, some days twice when I have tennis in addition to my walk/run and the house is looking better and better every day. I went to Ikea with my SIL the other day and got a few things to help get more organized. Hopefully soon once the house is more organized and takes less time to clean I can start working on my projects I want to do.
So I had thought excessive hair loss was my least liked post partum thing, but it's definitely the foot pain. If google can be trusted, PP foot pain is a thing, and not a bunch of women whose feet hurt and attribute it to PP. It's tolerable if I am up and walking, but when I first get out of bed in the morning it's like every bone and tendon hurts, and my heels feel bruised. This also happens when I get up after being off my feet for a little while. I read that some hormone relaxes the tendons but when not used for a while they stiffen up and that's why it hurts. I really hope this goes away soon, it's agony and I hobble for the first few minutes. It's real attractive.
I took my car in to the dealership today to have a few things fixed and got a loaner car while it's there, a new Malibu. It's really nice, and ahhhh, it's got the new car smell. But I do not miss driving a car. It's so much harder to get her carseat in and out, and getting the stroller in and out of the trunk is a pain. Plus I like being able to just get out at standing level rather than climbing up and out of the car. It's fun to drive something new, but I'll be happy to get my Equinox back. I know for sure that I won't be going back to a car anytime soon, or at least not until I don't have any more children in a carseat.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Happy like a room without a roof
So the other day was like Christmas. Ever have one of those days where
everything just works out well, you're in a good mood and you just think
to yourself, I'm so happy? That was yesterday. I was picking up Emily
from my dad's, and talking about the hot tub we almost purchased but
decided it is not financially smart right now. I then mentioned how
maybe instead we could get a jet tub for our future basement bathroom,
it would be gobs cheaper both to buy and maintaine, and it is functional
as it would be the tub/shower in the second bathroom.
So he says, your uncle has one he would probably give you. Say again? My uncle had an accident a few years ago and is now paralyzed from the waist down. When he put in his handicapped shower he apparently had to get rid of the jet tub and it's just sitting in his garage. My dad thinks he would just give it to us, happy to see it put to use. We would of course offer him something, but no matter what he would charge us for it, it would be cheaper than new! So excited!
So I call my husband on my way home and he said he went to the red wing store (a very expensive boot/work shoe store)....I was like oh no, that place always costs us money. He pretty much has to get a new pair of work boots every year because he wears them out so much. He took his pair in to have them re-soled or whatever the word is, and the guy was like no no no, how long have you had these. Ryan responded, about three months. The guy was like no, these have not held up at all for just three months, so he gave him a brand new pair of boots for free! Holy crap! Those things are like $300!
Then I get home and we had a letter from the city. Starting in September they are switching to city provided trash cans so the truck can just pick them up by the handle and dump them in. They're huge, they hold about 3 regular cans worth of stuff, they have wheels and match our recycle bin. The best news, it has a heavy lid to keep pests out. The raccoon buffet restaurant in our backyard will be closing. They're terrible, they either drag the bag out of the can, tear it open and go to town, or they get in the can and dig in. It's always a mess, there is always garbage on our driveway, I step on chicken bones, they drag the garbage all around the yard, yuck!
They've also told their friends, so it's quite a party every night. We've even tried mint smelling garbage bags that claim to repel rodents, but I think they just use them as an after meal mouthwash to freshen their breaths. I cannot wait to get these new cans....yes I get very excited about city issued garbage cans. So glad we didn't buy new ones ourselves last summer.
So in additon to all the plans I am making once I am not working the 9-5 (8-5 but whose counting?) I've decided to try my hand at an Etsy shop. There are a few things I've made for myself for fun, and I think with some precision and a plan for mass (or more than one) production I could make some really nice items to sell. The one I plan to do is your first dance lyrics printed on a photo mat framing your wedding picture. I think I could also do a good job making decorative baby names for the nursery wall, and I made myself a picture of our wedding date and framed it, and I made one for my stepmom for Christmas with hers and my dads anniversary date. Those would be easy/fun to make. I also made the ringbearer pillow for our wedding and despite not being a great seamstress, it turned out pretty darn good.
I have a newer sewing machine and my MIL said she would teach me how to sew. I know enough to hold two pieces of fabric together, ie our ring bearer pillow, a pair of pants that need hemmed, some bare bones curtains in the bathroom. But I want to be able to sew well, good quality items and not want to kick my machine every time I don't know how to do something. So she's going to really teach me how to use it and how to sew better so I could add RB pillows to my shop.
But my favorite part is the name of my shop, it's going to be KayKatDesigns, for Kayla Kathryn. I'm also excited about keeping the books for my shop and seeing the money pour in, haha. I have no delusions of making this a lucrative career, but I think they would be fun projects to make for people and make a little cash on the side. I wish this were my last week of work, I am eager to get started.
And last night, I finally got Emily to laugh. She had so far laughed for my brother, SIL, and MIL, but finally did it for me last night. It was music to my ears. I love that little bundle more than life itself.
So he says, your uncle has one he would probably give you. Say again? My uncle had an accident a few years ago and is now paralyzed from the waist down. When he put in his handicapped shower he apparently had to get rid of the jet tub and it's just sitting in his garage. My dad thinks he would just give it to us, happy to see it put to use. We would of course offer him something, but no matter what he would charge us for it, it would be cheaper than new! So excited!
So I call my husband on my way home and he said he went to the red wing store (a very expensive boot/work shoe store)....I was like oh no, that place always costs us money. He pretty much has to get a new pair of work boots every year because he wears them out so much. He took his pair in to have them re-soled or whatever the word is, and the guy was like no no no, how long have you had these. Ryan responded, about three months. The guy was like no, these have not held up at all for just three months, so he gave him a brand new pair of boots for free! Holy crap! Those things are like $300!
Then I get home and we had a letter from the city. Starting in September they are switching to city provided trash cans so the truck can just pick them up by the handle and dump them in. They're huge, they hold about 3 regular cans worth of stuff, they have wheels and match our recycle bin. The best news, it has a heavy lid to keep pests out. The raccoon buffet restaurant in our backyard will be closing. They're terrible, they either drag the bag out of the can, tear it open and go to town, or they get in the can and dig in. It's always a mess, there is always garbage on our driveway, I step on chicken bones, they drag the garbage all around the yard, yuck!
They've also told their friends, so it's quite a party every night. We've even tried mint smelling garbage bags that claim to repel rodents, but I think they just use them as an after meal mouthwash to freshen their breaths. I cannot wait to get these new cans....yes I get very excited about city issued garbage cans. So glad we didn't buy new ones ourselves last summer.
So in additon to all the plans I am making once I am not working the 9-5 (8-5 but whose counting?) I've decided to try my hand at an Etsy shop. There are a few things I've made for myself for fun, and I think with some precision and a plan for mass (or more than one) production I could make some really nice items to sell. The one I plan to do is your first dance lyrics printed on a photo mat framing your wedding picture. I think I could also do a good job making decorative baby names for the nursery wall, and I made myself a picture of our wedding date and framed it, and I made one for my stepmom for Christmas with hers and my dads anniversary date. Those would be easy/fun to make. I also made the ringbearer pillow for our wedding and despite not being a great seamstress, it turned out pretty darn good.
I have a newer sewing machine and my MIL said she would teach me how to sew. I know enough to hold two pieces of fabric together, ie our ring bearer pillow, a pair of pants that need hemmed, some bare bones curtains in the bathroom. But I want to be able to sew well, good quality items and not want to kick my machine every time I don't know how to do something. So she's going to really teach me how to use it and how to sew better so I could add RB pillows to my shop.
But my favorite part is the name of my shop, it's going to be KayKatDesigns, for Kayla Kathryn. I'm also excited about keeping the books for my shop and seeing the money pour in, haha. I have no delusions of making this a lucrative career, but I think they would be fun projects to make for people and make a little cash on the side. I wish this were my last week of work, I am eager to get started.
And last night, I finally got Emily to laugh. She had so far laughed for my brother, SIL, and MIL, but finally did it for me last night. It was music to my ears. I love that little bundle more than life itself.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Two weeks
Well I did it, I put in my notice a couple days ago, my last day is the 25th. I was 100% excited until we made the final decision to do
it. Now I am about 85% excited, 10% nervous and 5% sad but I think
that's pretty normal. I've worked here for nine years, it is going to
be a big change. But I have lots of projects in mind for my new found
freedom.
First, it's very important that I stick to a schedule and not be lazy. Just because I will be at home, doesn't mean I am on vacation. My new job title will be wife and mommy and hopefully soon online professor. Sure I'll probably take breaks here and there since technically my job never ends, and I might have a lazy day now and again, but I really hope to stay busy M-F between 8 and 5. Emily wakes up for a bottle around 6, so I probably will go back to bed until 8 after that but no later. I have to make myself get up just like I would for work. I think 8 is a perfectly acceptable time to get up.
Now that I will have so much time, there is NO excuse to not get this weight off. It's probably mostly water weight but I gained like 5 or 6 pounds this week, meaning I am only 10 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy/during pregnancy weight. That is NOT acceptable, I need to start losing before this gap gets any smaller. So the other day I got the app for couch to 5K and I signed up for a 5K that my husband and his running club are doing in September.
I plan to start it my first day of freedom, and the program is 8 weeks and the race will be 9 weeks from there, so perfect. So I plan to get up, get dressed and Emmy and I will hit the street. We'll go out five days a week, just walking on Tuesdays and Thursdays and doing the program MWF. I'm so excited. I don't know if I'll be able to run all or even most of the 5K, but I'm excited to have a goal and a timeline and a plan. I'm also going to grocery shop every Sunday, buy healthy foods, plan dinners for the week and make my salads for lunch for the whole week. Just because I will be home doesn't mean I will feel like making a salad everyday, so if I have one ready each day it'll be much easier to just grab, especially if Em is needy some days.
I also plan to get the house in order, and keep it clean so everyday I only have to do maintenance cleaning instead of marathon cleaning all the time. The way to live a healthy, stress free-ish life is to be organized and clean. Of course I don't want to cook when there are dishes piled in the sink and clutter on the stove. I also have projects.....our bedroom is a light gray, and I saw on pinterest where the whole room was a light gray like that, but the wall that the bed's headboard was against was a darker gray and it looked really nice. I hate painting, but that one small wall shouldn't be bad.
I'm also going to start making our bed every day. It sounds silly, but I once read that people who make their beds each day are more productive. It's probably along the same lines as getting dressed each day instead of sitting around in your PJs. Right now our bed is less than aesthetically pleasing. We don't use flat sheets because they end up getting kicked to the end of the bed by the end of the night and Ryan and I hog the covers, so I have a blue velour blanket and he has an ugly brown one with like white fur on the back.
So I've decided we'll share a blanket again, so I bought a new velour blanket but I got a king size so hopefully we can share and play nice. I also bought a beautiful gray and yellow comforter....it will just be for decoration. I know, kinda silly, but like Billy Zane says in Demon Night, if it makes you feel good, do it (my best friend and I love Billy Zane in that movie, so hot).
I also want to clean out the basement and get my gym back. When we had our plumbing redone last winter we had to pile all of the junk in my gym. I can barely get in there to get laundry let alone work out. So then if the weather is nasty Em and I can go down there to work out...I plan on getting her an exersaucer so she can work out with me :) Now I know what you all are thinking....pshaaaa, like you're going to have any time to do this. I get it, somedays Em will be needy, somedays things will go wrong and I won't get any work done on projects. But there really is no reason I cannot scoop the litter box everyday, make our bed and throw in some laundry. By keeping on top of the cleaning, I am actually excited to do it.
And of course in between those projects I'll be taking care of Emily and playing with her. She's so amazing, it's like every day lately she learns something new. She's very close to rolling over, I think as soon as she can figure out how to get her arm out of the way she'll be rolling. So far this week she has been holding her own bottle for a minute or two here and there three times, and the other morning she drank her entire bottle holding it all by herself. I had to help her tip it up a couple times when it was getting too low, but other than that it was all her. I'm so proud of my baby girl, she's so smart. She's giggled three times now, once for my brother and SIL (though I didn't hear it so it didn't happen), once for my MIL and finally today for me! It made me so happy. Just two more weeks until I can be home with her every day!
First, it's very important that I stick to a schedule and not be lazy. Just because I will be at home, doesn't mean I am on vacation. My new job title will be wife and mommy and hopefully soon online professor. Sure I'll probably take breaks here and there since technically my job never ends, and I might have a lazy day now and again, but I really hope to stay busy M-F between 8 and 5. Emily wakes up for a bottle around 6, so I probably will go back to bed until 8 after that but no later. I have to make myself get up just like I would for work. I think 8 is a perfectly acceptable time to get up.
Now that I will have so much time, there is NO excuse to not get this weight off. It's probably mostly water weight but I gained like 5 or 6 pounds this week, meaning I am only 10 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy/during pregnancy weight. That is NOT acceptable, I need to start losing before this gap gets any smaller. So the other day I got the app for couch to 5K and I signed up for a 5K that my husband and his running club are doing in September.
I plan to start it my first day of freedom, and the program is 8 weeks and the race will be 9 weeks from there, so perfect. So I plan to get up, get dressed and Emmy and I will hit the street. We'll go out five days a week, just walking on Tuesdays and Thursdays and doing the program MWF. I'm so excited. I don't know if I'll be able to run all or even most of the 5K, but I'm excited to have a goal and a timeline and a plan. I'm also going to grocery shop every Sunday, buy healthy foods, plan dinners for the week and make my salads for lunch for the whole week. Just because I will be home doesn't mean I will feel like making a salad everyday, so if I have one ready each day it'll be much easier to just grab, especially if Em is needy some days.
I also plan to get the house in order, and keep it clean so everyday I only have to do maintenance cleaning instead of marathon cleaning all the time. The way to live a healthy, stress free-ish life is to be organized and clean. Of course I don't want to cook when there are dishes piled in the sink and clutter on the stove. I also have projects.....our bedroom is a light gray, and I saw on pinterest where the whole room was a light gray like that, but the wall that the bed's headboard was against was a darker gray and it looked really nice. I hate painting, but that one small wall shouldn't be bad.
I'm also going to start making our bed every day. It sounds silly, but I once read that people who make their beds each day are more productive. It's probably along the same lines as getting dressed each day instead of sitting around in your PJs. Right now our bed is less than aesthetically pleasing. We don't use flat sheets because they end up getting kicked to the end of the bed by the end of the night and Ryan and I hog the covers, so I have a blue velour blanket and he has an ugly brown one with like white fur on the back.
So I've decided we'll share a blanket again, so I bought a new velour blanket but I got a king size so hopefully we can share and play nice. I also bought a beautiful gray and yellow comforter....it will just be for decoration. I know, kinda silly, but like Billy Zane says in Demon Night, if it makes you feel good, do it (my best friend and I love Billy Zane in that movie, so hot).
I also want to clean out the basement and get my gym back. When we had our plumbing redone last winter we had to pile all of the junk in my gym. I can barely get in there to get laundry let alone work out. So then if the weather is nasty Em and I can go down there to work out...I plan on getting her an exersaucer so she can work out with me :) Now I know what you all are thinking....pshaaaa, like you're going to have any time to do this. I get it, somedays Em will be needy, somedays things will go wrong and I won't get any work done on projects. But there really is no reason I cannot scoop the litter box everyday, make our bed and throw in some laundry. By keeping on top of the cleaning, I am actually excited to do it.
And of course in between those projects I'll be taking care of Emily and playing with her. She's so amazing, it's like every day lately she learns something new. She's very close to rolling over, I think as soon as she can figure out how to get her arm out of the way she'll be rolling. So far this week she has been holding her own bottle for a minute or two here and there three times, and the other morning she drank her entire bottle holding it all by herself. I had to help her tip it up a couple times when it was getting too low, but other than that it was all her. I'm so proud of my baby girl, she's so smart. She's giggled three times now, once for my brother and SIL (though I didn't hear it so it didn't happen), once for my MIL and finally today for me! It made me so happy. Just two more weeks until I can be home with her every day!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Family Vacay
We went on our first family vacation this past weekend. We left
thursday afternoon and went up north to my dad's place (we took our
camper, our home away from home) for our family reunion and fourth of
July celebrations. It was a lot of fun, but I am glad to be home. When
we got there it was about 9pm so we just visited with my dad and
Brenda, gave Emmy a bath and got ready for bed. We had to bathe her in
the kitchen sink since we didn't haul her tub up there, so my dad helped
hold her up so she didn't fall back and smack her head.
He talked about that for days afterward, he just thought that was the most fun thing to help give her a bath. How cute. What I thought was really cute were her little fat rolls around her tummy. In her bathtub she lays back a bit, but in the kitchen sink she was sitting up so all her roles piled up. Too bad fat rolls don't stay cute once you're an adult.
My brother and his wife got there a few hours later. That night was so cold....it was pretty chilly anyway but we also left the air on too long in the camper. Brrrrr. We didn't realize we needed both the propane and electric to run the furnace and it wouldn't stay on with just electric, so we had a cold night. To make matters worse, we bought a memory foam bed topper since that bed sucks, and it has that cool gel technology which will be nice on hot nights, but it just made it so much colder. But the next night we got the furnace working and then I was sweating! So the next morning we all had breakfast and then we went into town because Ryan forgot to pack his running shoes and needed to buy some for his race the next day. It's a good thing he needed new shoes anyway. We had lunch while we were out and got some groceries.
After that Ryan mowed my dad's lawn, because he is weird and wants to work on vacation. Meanwhile me, my brother and my SIL drove into town and took a bike ride on the new bike path they have. The full length is 22 miles one way but we weren't up for that, so we did about 14 round trip. It was fun, it was mostly through woods so it was shaded and had beautiful views of ravines. I'd like to do it again sometime. My SIL is pretty new to biking so we had to go pretty slow which was a little annoying but at the same time it was nice to just go for a leisurely ride.
That night we had dinner with my dad and Brenda and then a bunch of our family came over for Ryan's firework show. It turned out really well, and no injuries! I joked with my dad that he should go to one of those firework tents, grab some fireworks with his left hand (where he is missing fingers from his accident) and be like "I love fireworks, I hope this year goes better than last".
Saturday was my family reunion. I tried to get Emily back often enough and I took her inside for an hour nap and rocked her in the recliner, but she was still pretty out of sorts from being overstimulated. But it's nice to see how many people love her and want to snuggle her. That night grandpa and grammy watched her so Ryan and I could go out with some of my family for go karts and ice cream, and I bought a really cute Silver Lake sweatshirt. After that Ryan continued on to go drink in my uncle's garage with a few others, but I went back to snuggle Emily. She and I went back to the camper, I put her down and then I watched TV in bed. Haha we're really rustic campers.
All in all it was a great weekend and a great first family vacation. Unfortunately Emily was too little to really do anything, and spent more time being watched by grandpa and grammy while we went out and did things. But we had fun, I know they loved watching her and Emmy was snuggled and loved on, so everybody wins.
In other news, a big decision has been made. I'm quitting my job, I am giving my two weeks notice on Monday. We've been talking about it for a while, but hadn't really committed to it, but we discussed it seriously and Ryan said I have his blessing. Now that the plan will be set in motion, it's a little scary. I've been working for almost 20 years, I just celebrated my 9th anniversary at my job, working is all I know. And of course, there is some anxiety in the decision. What if I suddenly don't enjoy being home when I have all the time in the world? Did I enjoy maternity leave because my time was limited? Now that I'll get what I always wanted, will I still want it?
What if I cannot get any or enough online teaching jobs....what if I do? I'm excited to do that, but also a little nervous. What if I have to go back to work in a year, it will be hard to go back out into the work force after being out for a year. And then of course there is the guilt. I feel guilty when I leave her all day, I feel guilty that the house is always a mess and I rarely cook, but on the flip side I feel guilty and I feel like a wimp for wanting to quit. Plenty of other women work with children at home....women with more hours, longer commutes, more kids. They somehow make it work, so shouldn't I? But then I wonder, how many of them would still do it if they didn't have to.
In the past, me not working wouldn't even have been a possibility, but now it is. I'll bet at least a large percentage of women would not be doing what they are doing if they had the option to do something else. But despite all the worries and fears, I am very excited. I'm excited to be home with Emily all day, I'm excited to have time to get things done, and I'm so excited to actually have time and energy to work out and eat better and shop for healthy food and finally get this damn weight under control.
Now to tell my dad....haha. I mean he knows we've been contemplating it but he doesn't think it is a great idea. He wants me to do what is best for us and what will make me happy, but he's understandably nervous about it. Even though I have a baby, I am still his baby. Though I do feel a little bad about the fact that he won't be able to watch her all week anymore. I mean ultimiately I am glad because he likely would have had to watch her indefinitely until she goes to kindergarten, and by then it might wear on him, especially when she starts being able to misbehave. But I know right now he LOVES having her every day, he's always so excited to see her in the morning and he takes her out on all his errands and just loves the attention the two of them get. So I'm sad that he'll be sad he won't have her anymore. But, since my schedule will be so wide open we can always go over and visit anytime we want.
And actually if the online teaching takes off, I will still need him to take her at least one day a week so I can get some serious work done, outside of whatever I can get done when she is napping and once Ryan is home.
He talked about that for days afterward, he just thought that was the most fun thing to help give her a bath. How cute. What I thought was really cute were her little fat rolls around her tummy. In her bathtub she lays back a bit, but in the kitchen sink she was sitting up so all her roles piled up. Too bad fat rolls don't stay cute once you're an adult.
My brother and his wife got there a few hours later. That night was so cold....it was pretty chilly anyway but we also left the air on too long in the camper. Brrrrr. We didn't realize we needed both the propane and electric to run the furnace and it wouldn't stay on with just electric, so we had a cold night. To make matters worse, we bought a memory foam bed topper since that bed sucks, and it has that cool gel technology which will be nice on hot nights, but it just made it so much colder. But the next night we got the furnace working and then I was sweating! So the next morning we all had breakfast and then we went into town because Ryan forgot to pack his running shoes and needed to buy some for his race the next day. It's a good thing he needed new shoes anyway. We had lunch while we were out and got some groceries.
After that Ryan mowed my dad's lawn, because he is weird and wants to work on vacation. Meanwhile me, my brother and my SIL drove into town and took a bike ride on the new bike path they have. The full length is 22 miles one way but we weren't up for that, so we did about 14 round trip. It was fun, it was mostly through woods so it was shaded and had beautiful views of ravines. I'd like to do it again sometime. My SIL is pretty new to biking so we had to go pretty slow which was a little annoying but at the same time it was nice to just go for a leisurely ride.
That night we had dinner with my dad and Brenda and then a bunch of our family came over for Ryan's firework show. It turned out really well, and no injuries! I joked with my dad that he should go to one of those firework tents, grab some fireworks with his left hand (where he is missing fingers from his accident) and be like "I love fireworks, I hope this year goes better than last".
Saturday was my family reunion. I tried to get Emily back often enough and I took her inside for an hour nap and rocked her in the recliner, but she was still pretty out of sorts from being overstimulated. But it's nice to see how many people love her and want to snuggle her. That night grandpa and grammy watched her so Ryan and I could go out with some of my family for go karts and ice cream, and I bought a really cute Silver Lake sweatshirt. After that Ryan continued on to go drink in my uncle's garage with a few others, but I went back to snuggle Emily. She and I went back to the camper, I put her down and then I watched TV in bed. Haha we're really rustic campers.
All in all it was a great weekend and a great first family vacation. Unfortunately Emily was too little to really do anything, and spent more time being watched by grandpa and grammy while we went out and did things. But we had fun, I know they loved watching her and Emmy was snuggled and loved on, so everybody wins.
In other news, a big decision has been made. I'm quitting my job, I am giving my two weeks notice on Monday. We've been talking about it for a while, but hadn't really committed to it, but we discussed it seriously and Ryan said I have his blessing. Now that the plan will be set in motion, it's a little scary. I've been working for almost 20 years, I just celebrated my 9th anniversary at my job, working is all I know. And of course, there is some anxiety in the decision. What if I suddenly don't enjoy being home when I have all the time in the world? Did I enjoy maternity leave because my time was limited? Now that I'll get what I always wanted, will I still want it?
What if I cannot get any or enough online teaching jobs....what if I do? I'm excited to do that, but also a little nervous. What if I have to go back to work in a year, it will be hard to go back out into the work force after being out for a year. And then of course there is the guilt. I feel guilty when I leave her all day, I feel guilty that the house is always a mess and I rarely cook, but on the flip side I feel guilty and I feel like a wimp for wanting to quit. Plenty of other women work with children at home....women with more hours, longer commutes, more kids. They somehow make it work, so shouldn't I? But then I wonder, how many of them would still do it if they didn't have to.
In the past, me not working wouldn't even have been a possibility, but now it is. I'll bet at least a large percentage of women would not be doing what they are doing if they had the option to do something else. But despite all the worries and fears, I am very excited. I'm excited to be home with Emily all day, I'm excited to have time to get things done, and I'm so excited to actually have time and energy to work out and eat better and shop for healthy food and finally get this damn weight under control.
Now to tell my dad....haha. I mean he knows we've been contemplating it but he doesn't think it is a great idea. He wants me to do what is best for us and what will make me happy, but he's understandably nervous about it. Even though I have a baby, I am still his baby. Though I do feel a little bad about the fact that he won't be able to watch her all week anymore. I mean ultimiately I am glad because he likely would have had to watch her indefinitely until she goes to kindergarten, and by then it might wear on him, especially when she starts being able to misbehave. But I know right now he LOVES having her every day, he's always so excited to see her in the morning and he takes her out on all his errands and just loves the attention the two of them get. So I'm sad that he'll be sad he won't have her anymore. But, since my schedule will be so wide open we can always go over and visit anytime we want.
And actually if the online teaching takes off, I will still need him to take her at least one day a week so I can get some serious work done, outside of whatever I can get done when she is napping and once Ryan is home.
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