Capture your grief, day 31

31. SUNSET REFLECTION | We have come to the end of this Capture Your Grief experience so take a big breath and a long sigh. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken part this year and especially for allowing me the grace to grieve and take my own time with posting my daily subjects. Everything kind of fell apart at the beginning of this month when the little baby that I didn’t even know I was carrying, died. Everything is kind of off balance at the moment including my physical health so I just want to let you all know that I really have appreciated you support and love during this time. On this last day, take some time out to watch the sunset from wherever you are in the world and reflect on this last month. How do you feel? What have you learned? What did you dislike? What did you like?


I couldn't get a sunset shot tonight.  We were out trick or treating at the time, but there were just too many tall trees in our neighborhood to see any of the colored sky.  So I took this pic, because it's a beautiful tree and it was right around twilight.

I really enjoyed the capture your grief project this year.  I know last year I think I started it and kind of quit part way, and previous years it was mostly through photos, which was cool, but some of the topics were hard to convey in photographs.  This year, I really liked the topics, and writing about them.  It helped me to do a lot of reflecting and coming to terms with things and thinking about my grief in ways I hadn't before.  I found myself looking forward to each day to write (despite having to often do two or three days at once).  I wish everyone peace and comfort in their grief journey.

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So Halloween was great this year for Em.  She enjoyed trick or treating last year, but there was no build up to the day and I am sure she didn't really know why she was walking around Baba's neighborhood and going door to door.  This year she's been excited about it, pointing out pumpkins and ghosts and witches and making scary faces and playing with window clings.  I'd tell her she was going to go trick or treating and she'd get really excited and she has two Halloween books that she loved reading.

On Saturday we went to my brother's house and went downtown where they were doing a trick or treat at a bunch of the businesses.  It was a nice day, in the 70's so she wore her Elsa dress that my MIL got for her to add to her dress-up trunk.  I was glad the weather was nice so she got to wear different costumes to each event, and all of her costumes this year were free!  I refuse to pay a lot for her costumes that she is going to wear for an hour or less.  Her first Halloween I did spend some on her banana costume and Ryan's gorilla, but come on....daddy gorilla and baby banana was just too cute, I had to splurge.  But that year she also wore a lady bug costume, and last year's monkey both came from second hand stores so they were probably 5 bucks each.  My MIL bought Elsa and the bumblebee she wore tonight came from my supervisor.  

So she had fun Saturday dragging her uncle around to the businesses and getting candy, and then we had dinner out and then hung out with them back at their house.  I had told her we were going a few days before to get her excited, and one day she put her purse on and said bye mama.  I asked where she was going and she said to Joe Joe's for Halloween.  Omg, so adorable.  Last night we carved pumpkins, she wasn't as into that but we of course had to do all the work so she didn't really participate but she liked seeing them with the candles in them when we were done.  So tonight once it got a little dusk and we saw others out and about, we took our little bee and went around the neighborhood.  Our next door neighbor, I am never really sure who all lives there because she has family over all the time, but her adult daughter answered the door and gave Em her candy and talked for a few.  Then we were at the next house and the mom came outside from next door and was calling me, telling me to bring Emily back so she could see her.  So we went back and she gave Em another piece and she was saying how cute she was and asking how old she is now.  We really have the best neighbors.

After a few more houses, we met up with our neighbors on the other side, so we went to a few houses with them, but their kids could not contain their excitement.  They are like 13, 11, 7, and 3 so they were all running from house to house, so we lost them after 5 houses or so.  Emily took her hood down for a few houses, and despite being great weather tonight for Halloween in Michigan, it was getting a little chilly.  I think it was around 53...so at one point I put her hood back up and she said, "that's better, thanks".

We went to this one house that I admire a lot, they have an added on second story and they put the stairs in their living room against the wall next to their drive way.  We are seriously considering adding an upstairs, and that is exactly where we would want to put our stairs too, so I was excited to go to that house so I could peek in and see how well the stairs fit.  I think our living room is bigger than theirs too, so the stairs really shouldn't take up that much room.  Ryan even asked the guy about it and he was telling us how big the upstairs is and how he wishes it was a little bigger.  Good to know.  I love walking around our neighborhood...for the most part the houses are all the same style, so it's fun to see the different things owners have done to their house over the years.  It's like a giant showroom, and we get to see how thing looks on "our house" before we do it.

I think we were out for about 30-45 minutes, she got a decent sized stash for her little self (and for mommy and daddy to steal some).  Once we were back we turned our porch light on to hand out candy.  We were giving each kid two pieces, and we ended up emptying our bowl and had to turn off the light.  There were still kids out....but I think if we had given only one to everyone, we would have had some leftover.  But I was happy to get rid of it, Em's candy is enough of a temptation, and it was good to see a lot of kids out.  It doesn't seem like as many kids trick or treat as when I was a kid.  In previous years we hardly got any kids at our door.  But the weather is part of it.  No rain, no snow and a very comfortable low 50's.  I'm so glad the first Halloween that Em was really excited for and aware of was good weather.  Last year was ok, but it did sprinkle a little, and the year before was awful, very cold and raining.  I think we took her to two or three houses and called it quits.  She was only 7 months old, she didn't care.  I'm excited to see how into Christmas she is this year!

  

Capture your grief, day 30

30. MY PROMISE TO YOU | I made a promise to my son a few years ago to live my life to the fullest in honour of him. I have succeeded and failed at that promise many time but what matters most is that it has helped me to hold onto love when there is only darkness and to always try my best to make him proud of me. What promise would you like to make to your child?


My promise I make to Kayla is to never ever let her be forgotten.  It's hard sometimes, you get the feeling that no matter how valid your thoughts and feelings are, people just sometime get sick of hearing about your dead kid.  I try not to let that get me down, just as everyone else has a right to talk about their living children, I shouldn't have to miss out on that just because one of my kids isn't here.  I may not do it all the time, but I will never stop talking about her, no matter who gets tired of hearing about it, and no matter how many people think I shouldn't.

She will always be a part of our family.  She will always be included in things.  I've said before that we hang a Christmas stocking for her every year, we shop for her for gifts (and donate in her name) and Emily and I just got done making ornaments for the tree and Kayla has one with her name on it just like the rest of us do.

I will never stop calling attention to her birthday, I will never let a birthday go by without acknowledging it or telling the world that today is my daughter's birthday.  She may be gone, but I will keep her memory alive.  I will teach Emily about her big sister and she will always have a presence in our home.

Capture your grief, day 29

29. GIVE AWAY YOUR LOVE | One of my greatest healers when it comes to mending my own broken heart has been sharing kindness with strangers. Today you are invited to perform an act of kindness. Spread kindness wherever you go today. In all your interactions, be an example of love and compassion and see if it helps your heart. You are welcome to share what you did or you can keep it private and just share how it made you feel. It is completely up to you.


To people who don't know me well, they might think I am pretty tough on the outside.  I am very opinionated and my opinions are not always sugar and spice, I have a huge vocabulary of cuss words and things to yell at people in traffic, and my sense of humor is often on the darker, sarcastic, mean side.  But honestly, I have a heart of gold and nothing makes me more happy than doing things for others, and seeing them happy.

I wouldn't say I am a people pleaser, because in a lot of cases I truly don't care what people think of me.  But I really do love to do kind things.  If I were a millionaire, I would love to just go around paying for people's things and spreading happiness.  I didn't leave the house today, so I suppose I didn't spread any cheer but I can say that when I do, it makes me feel warm inside.  Yeah yeah, the cliche "warm fuzzy feeling".  But it's true.  Despite feeling like I sometimes drew the short stick of life, I really have been very blessed in my life, and I like to see others receiving blessings as well.

Capture your grief, day 28

28. SELF COMPASSION | Self Compassion is integral to healing your broken heart. You can start to practice more self compassion by showing yourself a little more love and care. Do you have any self-care practices? What are your thoughts on taking care of yourself.


I can be pretty hard on myself, my own worst enemy sometimes.  But one thing I am learning is that I don't have to be the perfect mother, I don't have to be the perfect wife.  If I want to spend a day snuggling with Emily and watching cartoons with her, then I should and will do that.  The laundry, dishes, and whatever else will still be there tomorrow.  Losing Kayla has taught me that life is short, so short in fact that some don't even get a chance to start it.  Hopefully Emily lives to be an old lady, but even still, she will not be little forever.  One of my babies is gone, and the other will be grown up before I know it.  I take care of myself and cherish the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, and years with her because you never know when the last one will be, and the relationships with those we love is what is important every day.  Emily will never look back and say, "mom wasn't a very good housekeeper", but she can look back and say, "I had the best childhood being home with my mom; we had so much fun together and we snuggled a lot".

I am also trying to take care of myself by letting some of the guilt go surrounding Kayla.  I am not sure I'll ever let all of it go...she was my sweet baby and I will never be able to feel like I did all I could to protect her.  But I often feel guilty for loving Emily as much as I do, or telling a stranger that I only have one child because I just cannot deal with telling this person at Target today that my other daughter died, or not getting to the cemetery on an important day, or not putting a pumpkin at her grave for Halloween, or fresh flowers in the spring.  Kayla doesn't love me because I put flowers on her grave, or because I divulge my most painful memory to a complete stranger.  She loves me because I am her mama and I would have done anything to save her.  There is no guidebook for how to act as a bereaved mother and I am doing the best I can.

Capture your grief, day 27

27. FAMILY IS FOREVER | Your child is a part of your family forever. There will never come a day when you are no longer their parent. Until the end of time, you are family. Share about your family today. Who would be in your family portrait? Remembering that family does not have to be blood relatives.


My family portrait would of course include myself, Ryan, Kayla, and Emily.  Our parents, as they have always been such a huge support for us, regarding Kayla and just everything.  We really lucked out when it comes to parents.  My brother and his wife, and my husband's sister, brother, and their kids.  Our other nieces and nephews as well.  My grandparents have passed on, but they would have to be in it as well.  I would also include our best friends...they are definitely family to us.  I would also want to include my aunt and cousin who live in Hawaii.  Technically my great aunt and...second cousin?  It's my grandpa's aunt and her daughter.

I didn't actually meet them until I was in my 20's.  My aunt came to visit for the first time in years, so she, my grandma, my mom and I spent the day together and had lunch.  I just kind of tagged along for something to do, I didn't mind meeting my aunt, but I also wasn't dying to meet her.  Until then she was a stranger to me, whose name I heard mentioned from time to time.

Well she and I ended up clicking right away, we chatted the entire time and when she went back home I wrote to her and she wrote back, and soon we start exchanging emails.  After a few years her daughter began writing to me as well, even though I hadn't ever met her in person.  Fast forward 13 years, we all still write to each other every month or so, I sent pictures of Emily, and back when we got married they flew in for the wedding.  They have been such a blessing in my life and I am so thankful to have met them.  They are always on the edge of their seat when I have good news to share, and they are my sounding board when things aren't going well.  They would definitely be in my family portrait.

On the same topic, I read this article a while back about this family that has lost their twin boys during pregnancy.  They went on to have two girls in the years following, but of course their boys are a part of their family as well.  They had family pictures taken, and the photographer was able to photo shop in two children's shadows, and the family posed so that they were holding hands with the shadows.  It was such a beautiful picture and a lovely way to include their angels.  We have a large framed family picture on the wall, but it always makes me sad when I look at it, because we are not a family of 3.  I think going forward, I'll have Emily hold Kayla bear in our family pics, so that Kayla can be represented as well.  But I definitely want to find a photographer that can do that for us one day with a shadow for Kayla.

Capture your grief, day 26

26. #WHATHEALSYOU | Turning the WHY into What Heals You? has been one of my greatest healers. Whenever I found myself asking “why did this have to happen. Why me? Why him?” etc etc I started asking myself what heals me? I revisited passions of mine and spent a little bit of time each day giving those passions my attention. Before too long, my life started becoming beautiful again. Share about what heals you and if you are not sure, have a think about what it is you ar passionate about. What heals you if often hidden there


I would have to say first and foremost, Emily heals me.  I've said it a million times, she is and never will be a replacement for Kayla.  But I honestly don't know where I would be without her.  She is just the funniest, smartest, sweetest little girl and she makes me smile every single day.

I also love to do crafts and work on projects.  Despite being incredibly lazy at times, I really am someone who likes to stay busy.  Have too much downtime begets more down time, and laziness and lack of motivation.  Asking the impossible questions usually inevitably also means I am feeling down, and lazy and blah which also means too much time to think.  When I am busy crafting, I don't think, I just get lost in what I am doing.  I also love to plan projects...sometimes planning them and going to the store to buy the items is just as much fun as the project itself.  It's something I always look forward to.  I am always too lazy to go to the grocery store, I was even feeling a bit lazy for Target the other day (gasp, I know!) but I am always up for a trip to the craft store.

Even better when the craft involves something for Kayla.  I've done quite a few projects for her, and being in my happy place while crafting, plus doing something for her is definitely a healing passion.

Capture your grief, day 25

25. I AM | Finish these 5 sentences

I wish ________________________

I remember _______________________

I could not believe _____________________

If only _______________________

I am _____________________

I wish I could have both of my girls together, here on earth.  I wish I could watch them play, and shriek and giggle.  I wish I could watch Kayla teach her little sister things, and watch Emily look up to her big sister.

I remember how happy I was when I first saw those two pink lines.  I tested so early, it was only 9DPO and it was in the evening, so I didn't even have FMU.  I was dying to test, and I figured even if I did end up pregnant, surely it was way too soon to get a positive, so I decided to test just to get it out of my system.  I figured if I tested and got a BFN, that would hold me over until 12DPO.  But then to my utter shock and amazement, a very very faint second line popped up.  I was in disbelief, but sooo happy!

I could not believe how tiny and beautiful Kayla was.  I knew from ultrasounds that she definitely looked like a baby at that gestation.  Hell, I knew she looked like a baby at 12 weeks.  But it wasn't until she came out, and I held her that I realized just how much of a perfectly formed human being she was.  The only thing that made it obvious how young she was, was her size, and the fact that her skin was still pretty translucent.  Other than that, her facial features, lips, nose...omg her tiny little perfect nose, her little pouty chin, her little ears, exactly like mine or yours, except itty bitty....her miniature hands, with her perfect little fingers and fingernails....her fingers even had the little creases in her skin at her joints.  Her entire hand was no bigger than the tip of my thumb.  Losing her was so heartbreaking, but I cannot deny the fact that I got to witness a true miracle.  Everybody is amazed when their children are born, and we forget just how little newborns are.  But we take them for granted, most people have seen a few newborns in their day.  But to sit and look at her, marveling at all her completely normal, every day features, but to see them so tiny and  having been in the midst of growing.  To see this tiny baby, who should have still been inside me for another four months...there is just no denying that babies are miracles.

If only....oh I could go on and on with this one.  If only I had gone to the hospital sooner.  If only she could have stayed in for just two more weeks...hell even one more week, even just a couple more days could have made all the difference.  If only they had noticed my cervix shortening weeks earlier, if only there was a some sort of standard test or exam to look for signs of IC, if only there was some sort of bubble that would mimic my womb that they could have put her in to let her keep growing, if only it didn't happen to me.

I am a mother.  I have two girls.  You may only see one, but I am the mother of two, and I am strong and I am weak, and I am brave and I am scared.  I am happy and I am sad, and I am absolutely in love with my daughters.