Well apparently I was just seeing things on that one test. Or it was an evap line or something....I had the willpower to abstain from wasting a digi this morning, because even if there was a good chance I was pregnant, using a digi too early can still lead to a BFN. I kept that "positive test" and I still keep looking at it. You can still see the "whatever it is". Even if you hold it at arms length away you can still see it, so it's kind of confusing.
But I went to the gyn today for my annual and to get provera. I had an ultrasound done so they could tell how thick my lining was, because he said if my lining wasn't thick enough the provera wouldn't really do anything. When he came back in he said well, its thick.....I took that to mean it's not great but it's good enough to try the provera. They did a urine test which came back negative, and also a blood test. I want to be absolutely sure I am not pregnant before I start to provera, so I just have to wait until Monday probably for the results and if negative I can start the provera.
Thank God....I was really hoping to get my cycles back naturally by losing weight, but I keep falling off the wagon so it's taking a long time. As of today though I have lost 6.5 pounds....that's pretty good, it's definitely a good start. I am hoping if I lose 20 overall it will be enough to get my cycles back on a somewhat regular basis, especially if provera gets the ball rolling. From when I really got serious back in January or February, I would have lost 20 by now had I been diligent, but I wasn't so 6.5 it is. But hey, 6.5 is better than nothing right, and it's way better than gaining 6 pounds. Wow, I can't believe I let myself get back here. When I got down to my skinniest, I vowed never to let myself gain it back. But the important thing is I am not quitting, everytime I fall off I get back on again.
So I'm really excited to start the provera, to feel productive again. This last 4 months of not ovulating I have felt so useless. Wanting something so badly and not even being given the chance really sucks. I totally agree that unexplained infertility must be awful, but for the girls that having been trying like 4-10 months with no luck yet but still O on a regular basis and have normal 28-33 day cycles....I am so envious of them. Even if they get their period or get a BFN, they just have to wait a couple weeks and they can try again. Hope is always just around the corner, whereas all this time I felt like I could not only not win the race, but I couldn't even get to the track to compete. So I am hoping and praying the provera gives me a period and will get my body to ovulate. Who knows, maybe that's all we need and we can get pregnant on our first shot back in the game.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
It's official
I've lost my goddamn mind. After allowing that stupid thought of "maybe this spotting is implantation bleeding" enter my head, I haven't stopped thinking about it all week. So tonight I took a test...it was one of those imposter wondfos, they are HPTs in a blue package (but pink dye) that come free with an order of OPKs. They are skinnier than the pink package wondfos so I don't like them, I am not sure why.
So I waited the time, negative so I was about to throw it away when I thought I saw something. So I looked, and looked again and yes there was something there. Holy crap, this can't be happening can it? So now it's to the point where I can't not see it, but I am not sure if it's a line. Ugh, no I sound like those idiots that post and ask if it's a line or not. It kiiiind of looks like an evap line, but can you get an evap on a pink dye within the time frame....it was like maaaaybe 1 minute out of the time frame but I wasn't standing there watching it the whole time so who knows, this whatever it is could have shown up within the time frame.
So like I said, I don't know much about these tests so I used my very last pink package wondfo and it's negative. I am quite sure that means no, I mean if I were knocked up I would think the pink package wondfo would have said yes. But I needed a tie breaker, and nothing left so I wasted a digi. Stupid stupid, I knew it would be negative but I still just had to do it. And what's even dumber? I am pretty sure I am going to waste the only other digi I have tomorrow morning because I just have to test with FMU and I have nothing else to pee on. And dumber yet, since I was out of HPTs to pee on, I also peed on an OPK since they can sometimes indicate pregnancy. It was negative of course, but that didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat when I saw the faint second line and for two seconds thought it was the HPT.
I am 99% certain I am not pregnant, but when you see anything at all on a HPT you kind of freak out a little. And as much as I want a baby anyway, I have to say I was a little in love with the idea of just having sex out of the blue, having no idea I ovulated and getting pregnant during a 120+day cycle....plus it being mother's day weekend coming up, that would have just been so perfect my head would have exploded. It would have been a nice story. Now since this motherfucking test got my hopes up, I'm going to have to stop at the dollar store tomorrow for some tests because I need to take several more negatives to get the lovely idea of a positive out of my head. But I am going to the doctor tomorrow for provera so hopefully I will see a line for real very soon. Stepping away from the pee sticks now, and all things related.
So I waited the time, negative so I was about to throw it away when I thought I saw something. So I looked, and looked again and yes there was something there. Holy crap, this can't be happening can it? So now it's to the point where I can't not see it, but I am not sure if it's a line. Ugh, no I sound like those idiots that post and ask if it's a line or not. It kiiiind of looks like an evap line, but can you get an evap on a pink dye within the time frame....it was like maaaaybe 1 minute out of the time frame but I wasn't standing there watching it the whole time so who knows, this whatever it is could have shown up within the time frame.
So like I said, I don't know much about these tests so I used my very last pink package wondfo and it's negative. I am quite sure that means no, I mean if I were knocked up I would think the pink package wondfo would have said yes. But I needed a tie breaker, and nothing left so I wasted a digi. Stupid stupid, I knew it would be negative but I still just had to do it. And what's even dumber? I am pretty sure I am going to waste the only other digi I have tomorrow morning because I just have to test with FMU and I have nothing else to pee on. And dumber yet, since I was out of HPTs to pee on, I also peed on an OPK since they can sometimes indicate pregnancy. It was negative of course, but that didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat when I saw the faint second line and for two seconds thought it was the HPT.
I am 99% certain I am not pregnant, but when you see anything at all on a HPT you kind of freak out a little. And as much as I want a baby anyway, I have to say I was a little in love with the idea of just having sex out of the blue, having no idea I ovulated and getting pregnant during a 120+day cycle....plus it being mother's day weekend coming up, that would have just been so perfect my head would have exploded. It would have been a nice story. Now since this motherfucking test got my hopes up, I'm going to have to stop at the dollar store tomorrow for some tests because I need to take several more negatives to get the lovely idea of a positive out of my head. But I am going to the doctor tomorrow for provera so hopefully I will see a line for real very soon. Stepping away from the pee sticks now, and all things related.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I'm seeing spots
I had some very light spotting yesterday. Which brought on two thoughts....A. dear God please don't let this be my period. I'm going to the doctor on Friday for provera, (and my annual) if my period picks this week to make its long awaited debut, I'd have to reschedule my appointment...again. I just want to go and get it over with. Or B. maybe it's implantation bleeding. I cringe just thinking that let alone typing it. I know it's not....I hate when people post a thread about this, everyone says it's rare. But I still couldn't help my mind going there.
If I just ovulated out of the blue on or around that day, yesterday would have been 7-9DPO-ish, which is around when implantation happens. But how could I be that lucky? Nobody is that lucky to ovulate out of the blue like that in a 120+ day cycle, and just happen to have sex (it wasn't even for baby making purposes, imagine that) and end up knocked up? Ha, but of course if I wasn't trying to get pregnant, those are the exact circumstances it would happen in. I immediately think of Miranda on Sex and the City getting knocked up with a lazy ovary and Steve's one ball.
I thought I got that lucky once before when I randomly took an OPK, found it positive, I Od for the first time in 70 some days, did the deed only once and wound up pregnant, and just in time to announce at Christmas. Correction....I thought I was amazingly lucky, until I miscarried. So I refuse to believe that something this miraculous could happen again, AND it would stick. But a girl can dream right?
If I just ovulated out of the blue on or around that day, yesterday would have been 7-9DPO-ish, which is around when implantation happens. But how could I be that lucky? Nobody is that lucky to ovulate out of the blue like that in a 120+ day cycle, and just happen to have sex (it wasn't even for baby making purposes, imagine that) and end up knocked up? Ha, but of course if I wasn't trying to get pregnant, those are the exact circumstances it would happen in. I immediately think of Miranda on Sex and the City getting knocked up with a lazy ovary and Steve's one ball.
I thought I got that lucky once before when I randomly took an OPK, found it positive, I Od for the first time in 70 some days, did the deed only once and wound up pregnant, and just in time to announce at Christmas. Correction....I thought I was amazingly lucky, until I miscarried. So I refuse to believe that something this miraculous could happen again, AND it would stick. But a girl can dream right?
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Birthday Blues
Today is my birthday, I am 33. Sigh, I never thought I would be 33 and still no kids. I mean thankfully it's only partly due to the fact that my body isn't working and therefore cannot currently get pregnant. I have a lot of respect for women who have been trying for years with no success, I don't know how they stay sane. Mostly we just got a late start in life. I almost got engaged when I was 22, but that obviously didn't work out. But that's how I pictured my life going....get married and start having babies in my early 20s. But I didn't even meet my husband until I was 28, got married when we were 31 and waited six months to start TTC.
I have regrets, but really looking back there was nothing we could have done. I don't think getting engaged after 2.5 years is out of the norm....we had talked about getting married in 2009 but we ended up buying a house instead and frankly for a mortgage payment that is less than the rent we were paying, I cannot bring myself to regret that. Plus I love our house. I do sort of wish we could have started TTC right after we got married, Ryan even wanted to try just a few times and if it happaned it happened. My cycles were still regular then so part of me wants to kick myself for not trying, but....had I gotten pregnant in that time I would have been in the third tri and/or delivered before I finished grad school. That last four months was very stressful, there were a few days when I ended a study session by crying and heaving my books across the room. I don't think I could have handled that being sick/exhausted/just not feeling well or trying to care for a newborn. That sounds like absolute hell. So I need to just be content with the fact that these are the cards we were dealt and I made the best decisions I could. Clearly holding off on TTC till I was further along in school was the right decision and everything will work out. I don't know if I said this before in here, but my SIL posted a quote on her FB that said everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end. I really like that saying.
But yeah, I still can't help the age thing freaking me out a little. By the time I have a kid, we're looking at probably 36 or 37 for number two. I know I know, women are having babies much later now and medical advancements make it possible to have them later in life. But for me, I am not very comfortable with that. I don't want to be going on 50 when my kid turns 10. Plus despite medical advances, there are still some very real, scary risks associated with advanced maternal age. But lately I have become more and more accepting of the possibility of only having one child. I've always wanted two, my brother and I are very close and I can't imagine not having him around. But....it's not like being an only child is the worst thing in the world. My brother and I had some pretty horrific fights as kids, sibling rivalry can be very unpleasant. Plus I am rather anxious of the idea of coming home to two screaming kids, the house is a mess...basically utter chaos. My best friend just had her second and while I know she loves her boys more than anything, I can see the pure exhaustion and stress on her face. Trying to keep up with a toddler and take care of a new baby is really zapping her, and she has relatively easy kids...I can't imagine trying to do it with more, um, difficult children.
I guess the thing I am most scared of if we only have one child is them being lonely. No sibling for them to play with outside of friends, no one to have their back and understand them like no one else, and something I think of a lot since my mom died, someone to be there with you when your parents are gone. The idea of losing my dad someday before he turns 101 scares the hell out of me, but I cannot even imagine going through that without my brother. But then again, I am basing this all off of my own sibling relationship....my brother is an amazing brother, from the day I was born he has always been protective of me. Even when he is a pain in the ass, he's always had my back and I couldn't have asked for a better brother. He said when I was a baby, even though he was only 4 he would come into my room at night and stare at me and wouldn't leave until he saw that I was breathing :) But not everyone has this kind of relationship with their siblings.....many people co-exist with their siblings at best, but at worst they hate them. So yeah, I guess just having one kid isn't the end of the world....because right now I would give anything just to have one, and after that whatever will be will be.
Plus it's not like our kid would have no one. While most are quite a bit older, he/she will have 6 cousins that live pretty close by and I am still holding out hope that my brother will get married again and have kids that could be very close in age, since my brother and I are so close, its possible that our kids could be just as close as siblings. And of course I am hoping me and my best friend's kids will be friends. Ok, enough birthday blues talk, I actually had a great birthday so I don't want to bum myself out.
Something I have been so confused about lately is one of my good friends, or someone who used to be a good friend. She and I met at work, at the time I smoked so we would go out twice a day for a smoke break at work, and she and I became very close. She was there to listen to all my husband rants and she knew all about our struggles getting pregnant....she was even one of my bridesmaids. When I got pregnant in December, I was hesitant to tell her because it was so early and I was cramping so bad, but if the worst happaned I would of course tell her, so I decided to bask in my good news for the short time I had it. When I told her she immediately started crying and said "I'm going to be an auntie"? The next day I lost it so I texted her with the news because I couldn't bare to go back to work and see her all happy and have to tell her in person.
She seemed genuinely sorry for me when she replied to my text. The next day I kind of laid low at work, didn't really talk to people too much so when she didn't call to go out for a smoke (I had quit when we started TTC but still went out with her to chat) I didn't bother calling her either. I guess I was kind of in a blur because one day I realized hey, it's been like over a week since she called to go smoke. It wasn't really terribly unusual to not go out one day, but I don't think we had ever skipped two days or more of going on break together. The last couple times she and I had gone out for break before my miscarriage one of her friends/co-workers from her department came with us. I think she had quit but had recently started back up again. She's nice and all, but it was kind of awkward that I couldn't talk to my friend about stuff we would normally talk about with this other lady there. So here I am, emotions still raw from the miscarriage, my friend had not called to go on break nor had she called/text/facebooked to see how I was doing past that intital response to the bad news, and I knew she was now going out on break with this other lady. I guess all of that combined I felt replaced.
I felt like she wasn't being concerned about me and she just replaced me with her other friend. Yes I could have called her to go on break, but since she was the only smoker now we kind of went when she wanted to and I was feeling a little angry and hurt over her lack of compassion I guess. I didn't expect her to fall all over herself with pity for me....I acknowledge that what I went through was horrible and I was and still am very sad about it, but I also don't think what I went through was as bad as say, a third trimester lost or God forbid even later. So it's not like I think the entire world had to stop to pity me. BUT, after having a miscarriage I would have thought that a friend would check in at least once to see how I am doing, just to say hi, thinking of ya.....or just about anything in general. So when she didn't I was very hurt.
I let things go for about 6 weeks, then finally decided well, maybe she is struggling with what to say. I know sometimes when something bad happens people don't know what to say or they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all and bury their head in the sand. So I decided to swallow my hurt feelings and text her (ok so I never said I am good with confrontation) and asked her if everything is ok, that I haven't seen her in forever. I thought maybe that would get the ball rolling and we could be friends again....she texted back, said everything was great, just a little busy. We text back and forth a few times and then that was it....it didn't really change anything. I rarely see her at work unless we mean to since we work in different departments/different floors. So for the last 4 months we've had very little interaction....I emailed her when a mutual friend had her baby, she sent me a valentines ecard, she came down to our floor for a potluck and yelled and waved from across the room....stuff like that. So we've had friendly interactions, but compared to our relationship prior to six months ago, it's very weird. It's like we're both walking on egg shells, we're not fighting, we're friendly, but we're not friends like we were.
I'm kind of ashamed to say that the other day I saw her pull into the parking lot just ahead of me and in order to not run into her walking into the building, I hid out in my car until I saw her walk in. How sad is that? The very next day I noticed she was behind me for the second half of my drive to work. I was like shit, we're gonna get there at the exact same time again, what am I going to do, hide out in my car again, but thankfully she stopped at a gas station on the way. Tonight she "liked" a bunch of my graduation pics on facebook, congratulated me and wished me a happy birthday. So I mean, clearly she's not mad at me, we didn't get in a fight, things are just soooo awkward.
I've thought many times about just calling her up and say hey, wanna go out for a break? But I don't know what to do, I'm still a little hurt and angry, but I don't know if I have a right to be. I kind of feel like it was a case of mis-communication/mis-understanding on both of our parts, neither one of us is right or wrong but I don't know how to fix it. I mean, looking back I clearly could have called her back when this all first started. Maybe she thought she was giving me space when I didn't want space.
The thing that I hate the most about this is if she were a guy I'd march right up to her and say what the fuck is your problem, and we'd hash it out right then and there. I don't know how to communicate with other women...I've always been really shitty at confronting women. A guy? No problem, this would have been squashed a week into it, but with a woman friend I tip toe around and hide from her in my car. It's ridiculous. I miss her, I get sad when I look at wedding pictures because I am not sure if we'll ever have that relationship back again and when and if I get pregnant again I need her there. I guess I feel like I need either all or nothing....I need to either avoid the entire thing, or I need to spill everything and tell her how hurt I felt and I felt as though she kind of abandon me when I needed her. But both options frighten me because avoiding it all means I lose my friend, but confronting her and telling her how I feel means I have to make myself vulnerable by admitting how hurt I was and that feels very uncomfortable too.
Gah, I feel like I can't adequately express how I am feeling about this. I don't know, maybe it's just the fact that I am not ready to deal with it, and in time I will be. Hopefully that's sooner rather than later.
I have regrets, but really looking back there was nothing we could have done. I don't think getting engaged after 2.5 years is out of the norm....we had talked about getting married in 2009 but we ended up buying a house instead and frankly for a mortgage payment that is less than the rent we were paying, I cannot bring myself to regret that. Plus I love our house. I do sort of wish we could have started TTC right after we got married, Ryan even wanted to try just a few times and if it happaned it happened. My cycles were still regular then so part of me wants to kick myself for not trying, but....had I gotten pregnant in that time I would have been in the third tri and/or delivered before I finished grad school. That last four months was very stressful, there were a few days when I ended a study session by crying and heaving my books across the room. I don't think I could have handled that being sick/exhausted/just not feeling well or trying to care for a newborn. That sounds like absolute hell. So I need to just be content with the fact that these are the cards we were dealt and I made the best decisions I could. Clearly holding off on TTC till I was further along in school was the right decision and everything will work out. I don't know if I said this before in here, but my SIL posted a quote on her FB that said everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end. I really like that saying.
But yeah, I still can't help the age thing freaking me out a little. By the time I have a kid, we're looking at probably 36 or 37 for number two. I know I know, women are having babies much later now and medical advancements make it possible to have them later in life. But for me, I am not very comfortable with that. I don't want to be going on 50 when my kid turns 10. Plus despite medical advances, there are still some very real, scary risks associated with advanced maternal age. But lately I have become more and more accepting of the possibility of only having one child. I've always wanted two, my brother and I are very close and I can't imagine not having him around. But....it's not like being an only child is the worst thing in the world. My brother and I had some pretty horrific fights as kids, sibling rivalry can be very unpleasant. Plus I am rather anxious of the idea of coming home to two screaming kids, the house is a mess...basically utter chaos. My best friend just had her second and while I know she loves her boys more than anything, I can see the pure exhaustion and stress on her face. Trying to keep up with a toddler and take care of a new baby is really zapping her, and she has relatively easy kids...I can't imagine trying to do it with more, um, difficult children.
I guess the thing I am most scared of if we only have one child is them being lonely. No sibling for them to play with outside of friends, no one to have their back and understand them like no one else, and something I think of a lot since my mom died, someone to be there with you when your parents are gone. The idea of losing my dad someday before he turns 101 scares the hell out of me, but I cannot even imagine going through that without my brother. But then again, I am basing this all off of my own sibling relationship....my brother is an amazing brother, from the day I was born he has always been protective of me. Even when he is a pain in the ass, he's always had my back and I couldn't have asked for a better brother. He said when I was a baby, even though he was only 4 he would come into my room at night and stare at me and wouldn't leave until he saw that I was breathing :) But not everyone has this kind of relationship with their siblings.....many people co-exist with their siblings at best, but at worst they hate them. So yeah, I guess just having one kid isn't the end of the world....because right now I would give anything just to have one, and after that whatever will be will be.
Plus it's not like our kid would have no one. While most are quite a bit older, he/she will have 6 cousins that live pretty close by and I am still holding out hope that my brother will get married again and have kids that could be very close in age, since my brother and I are so close, its possible that our kids could be just as close as siblings. And of course I am hoping me and my best friend's kids will be friends. Ok, enough birthday blues talk, I actually had a great birthday so I don't want to bum myself out.
Something I have been so confused about lately is one of my good friends, or someone who used to be a good friend. She and I met at work, at the time I smoked so we would go out twice a day for a smoke break at work, and she and I became very close. She was there to listen to all my husband rants and she knew all about our struggles getting pregnant....she was even one of my bridesmaids. When I got pregnant in December, I was hesitant to tell her because it was so early and I was cramping so bad, but if the worst happaned I would of course tell her, so I decided to bask in my good news for the short time I had it. When I told her she immediately started crying and said "I'm going to be an auntie"? The next day I lost it so I texted her with the news because I couldn't bare to go back to work and see her all happy and have to tell her in person.
She seemed genuinely sorry for me when she replied to my text. The next day I kind of laid low at work, didn't really talk to people too much so when she didn't call to go out for a smoke (I had quit when we started TTC but still went out with her to chat) I didn't bother calling her either. I guess I was kind of in a blur because one day I realized hey, it's been like over a week since she called to go smoke. It wasn't really terribly unusual to not go out one day, but I don't think we had ever skipped two days or more of going on break together. The last couple times she and I had gone out for break before my miscarriage one of her friends/co-workers from her department came with us. I think she had quit but had recently started back up again. She's nice and all, but it was kind of awkward that I couldn't talk to my friend about stuff we would normally talk about with this other lady there. So here I am, emotions still raw from the miscarriage, my friend had not called to go on break nor had she called/text/facebooked to see how I was doing past that intital response to the bad news, and I knew she was now going out on break with this other lady. I guess all of that combined I felt replaced.
I felt like she wasn't being concerned about me and she just replaced me with her other friend. Yes I could have called her to go on break, but since she was the only smoker now we kind of went when she wanted to and I was feeling a little angry and hurt over her lack of compassion I guess. I didn't expect her to fall all over herself with pity for me....I acknowledge that what I went through was horrible and I was and still am very sad about it, but I also don't think what I went through was as bad as say, a third trimester lost or God forbid even later. So it's not like I think the entire world had to stop to pity me. BUT, after having a miscarriage I would have thought that a friend would check in at least once to see how I am doing, just to say hi, thinking of ya.....or just about anything in general. So when she didn't I was very hurt.
I let things go for about 6 weeks, then finally decided well, maybe she is struggling with what to say. I know sometimes when something bad happens people don't know what to say or they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all and bury their head in the sand. So I decided to swallow my hurt feelings and text her (ok so I never said I am good with confrontation) and asked her if everything is ok, that I haven't seen her in forever. I thought maybe that would get the ball rolling and we could be friends again....she texted back, said everything was great, just a little busy. We text back and forth a few times and then that was it....it didn't really change anything. I rarely see her at work unless we mean to since we work in different departments/different floors. So for the last 4 months we've had very little interaction....I emailed her when a mutual friend had her baby, she sent me a valentines ecard, she came down to our floor for a potluck and yelled and waved from across the room....stuff like that. So we've had friendly interactions, but compared to our relationship prior to six months ago, it's very weird. It's like we're both walking on egg shells, we're not fighting, we're friendly, but we're not friends like we were.
I'm kind of ashamed to say that the other day I saw her pull into the parking lot just ahead of me and in order to not run into her walking into the building, I hid out in my car until I saw her walk in. How sad is that? The very next day I noticed she was behind me for the second half of my drive to work. I was like shit, we're gonna get there at the exact same time again, what am I going to do, hide out in my car again, but thankfully she stopped at a gas station on the way. Tonight she "liked" a bunch of my graduation pics on facebook, congratulated me and wished me a happy birthday. So I mean, clearly she's not mad at me, we didn't get in a fight, things are just soooo awkward.
I've thought many times about just calling her up and say hey, wanna go out for a break? But I don't know what to do, I'm still a little hurt and angry, but I don't know if I have a right to be. I kind of feel like it was a case of mis-communication/mis-understanding on both of our parts, neither one of us is right or wrong but I don't know how to fix it. I mean, looking back I clearly could have called her back when this all first started. Maybe she thought she was giving me space when I didn't want space.
The thing that I hate the most about this is if she were a guy I'd march right up to her and say what the fuck is your problem, and we'd hash it out right then and there. I don't know how to communicate with other women...I've always been really shitty at confronting women. A guy? No problem, this would have been squashed a week into it, but with a woman friend I tip toe around and hide from her in my car. It's ridiculous. I miss her, I get sad when I look at wedding pictures because I am not sure if we'll ever have that relationship back again and when and if I get pregnant again I need her there. I guess I feel like I need either all or nothing....I need to either avoid the entire thing, or I need to spill everything and tell her how hurt I felt and I felt as though she kind of abandon me when I needed her. But both options frighten me because avoiding it all means I lose my friend, but confronting her and telling her how I feel means I have to make myself vulnerable by admitting how hurt I was and that feels very uncomfortable too.
Gah, I feel like I can't adequately express how I am feeling about this. I don't know, maybe it's just the fact that I am not ready to deal with it, and in time I will be. Hopefully that's sooner rather than later.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
another one?
Ugh, just read another pregnancy announcement on FB, this one from my oldest friend. Deep down I really am happy for her because she struggled too, which makes me feel like a complete and utter bitch for my initial reaction being, "again"???? I know she had one, possibly two (see what a bad friend I am, I don't remember) early miscarriages. She then went on to get pregnant with her first but I think she said it took about a year for that one, and then over a year for the second. So yeah, it's not like she just looked at her husband and got pregnant.
I guess this one hit me hard because this is her third, and she just had her second in November...she said they weren't going to "try" again but since they had two girls they would just see what happens in hopes of getting a boy. So I guess I am bitter about this one because they already have two, this one didn't take long at all and they probably weren't even really trying.
Ok, I will get off the bitter train now and go congratulate her. I am very happy for her and I hope they get their boy....but I am just sad for myself.
I guess this one hit me hard because this is her third, and she just had her second in November...she said they weren't going to "try" again but since they had two girls they would just see what happens in hopes of getting a boy. So I guess I am bitter about this one because they already have two, this one didn't take long at all and they probably weren't even really trying.
Ok, I will get off the bitter train now and go congratulate her. I am very happy for her and I hope they get their boy....but I am just sad for myself.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Fuck you ovaries
Yep, I've hit rock bottom. I am not only talking to my ovaries, but I am now cussing at them. Since I can't seem to trust my ovulation scope, I've been randomly using OPKs (random because I have very few left and would rather not use them all up right away as if they're actually going to give me a positive). So I used one tonight, I thought maybe it would magically be positive if I left the room instead of watching it work. Nope, so I told my ovaries to F off.
So needless to say tonight is one of my bad nights. I have been on a whirlwind of emotions lately. One day I feel very hopeful and optimistic, other days I feel like this, no hope and wanting a baby so badly. I'm also down about my diet and exercise....I think likely from feeling down about the baby thing. Yeah my doctor can give me provera in a couple of weeks, but it will only maybe give me a period and maybe make me O. Even if both of those things happen, what's to say next cycle will go as it should? And I know, I KNOW if I just lose some weight my body will sort itself out on its own. But no, I have to be lazy and eat like shit. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, and then damn near everytime I walked by the stupid peanut dispenser at work today (yes we have a peanut dispenser) I'd stop for a handful. So after all day, we're probably looking at like 250 calories in peanuts alone. I know nuts are good for you, but a calorie is still a calorie.
Then I was supposed to work out tonight but I didn't. What is the big deal, it's standing on my damn treadmill, walking while I get lost in a book. What the hell is so bad about that? I could have done that. And since I skipped my work out I had a pop with dinner. What the fuck? I want to sit here and cry about why I can't get pregnant, but then I just don't do what I know I need to do. Gee I wonder what the problem is. I know anyone reading this is thinking wow...but really the self loathing is actually helping me at the moment. I guess I just need to get tougher with myself. When I want something I have to ask myself, are you really hungry? If I am starving then I should have it, but if not why bother? When it comes to working out, I have to look at the clock and say it's six o'clock, you'll be done by seven and then you can be lazy the rest of the night. I mean, I read every night anyway, why not just do it while walking on the treadmill? My problem is I make things optional. I don't like going to work everyday but I do it....why? Because I have to. Sure I could call in one day, but I cannot call in everyday. I don't like going to work but I do it. So when I get home at night I need to stop looking at eating right and exercising as optional. I just have to do it, no ifs ands or buts about it.
I am convinced that if I didn't have to work, I would be super skinny, the house would be sparkling clean all the time and I would have some annoying hobby that I could bug the crap out of people with on facebook.
So needless to say tonight is one of my bad nights. I have been on a whirlwind of emotions lately. One day I feel very hopeful and optimistic, other days I feel like this, no hope and wanting a baby so badly. I'm also down about my diet and exercise....I think likely from feeling down about the baby thing. Yeah my doctor can give me provera in a couple of weeks, but it will only maybe give me a period and maybe make me O. Even if both of those things happen, what's to say next cycle will go as it should? And I know, I KNOW if I just lose some weight my body will sort itself out on its own. But no, I have to be lazy and eat like shit. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, and then damn near everytime I walked by the stupid peanut dispenser at work today (yes we have a peanut dispenser) I'd stop for a handful. So after all day, we're probably looking at like 250 calories in peanuts alone. I know nuts are good for you, but a calorie is still a calorie.
Then I was supposed to work out tonight but I didn't. What is the big deal, it's standing on my damn treadmill, walking while I get lost in a book. What the hell is so bad about that? I could have done that. And since I skipped my work out I had a pop with dinner. What the fuck? I want to sit here and cry about why I can't get pregnant, but then I just don't do what I know I need to do. Gee I wonder what the problem is. I know anyone reading this is thinking wow...but really the self loathing is actually helping me at the moment. I guess I just need to get tougher with myself. When I want something I have to ask myself, are you really hungry? If I am starving then I should have it, but if not why bother? When it comes to working out, I have to look at the clock and say it's six o'clock, you'll be done by seven and then you can be lazy the rest of the night. I mean, I read every night anyway, why not just do it while walking on the treadmill? My problem is I make things optional. I don't like going to work everyday but I do it....why? Because I have to. Sure I could call in one day, but I cannot call in everyday. I don't like going to work but I do it. So when I get home at night I need to stop looking at eating right and exercising as optional. I just have to do it, no ifs ands or buts about it.
I am convinced that if I didn't have to work, I would be super skinny, the house would be sparkling clean all the time and I would have some annoying hobby that I could bug the crap out of people with on facebook.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Announcements, ugh
My cousin announced on FB today that he and his wife are expecting. I already knew this, in fact I think I wrote about it in an earlier post. I was fine with it, I am happy for them....until I read that they are due in August. Which was when I was due. Sad face.
But on the bright side, I have my annual gyno appointment in one month. I am not quite ready for any major testing yet or the idea of clomid but maybe I can get some answer or some good news or anything at all. Also I will be asking for provera to end what will be a 120 something day cycle by then. Maybe since I am working out more regularly and eating better and I've lost some weight, maybe with a provera induced cycle it will push my body back to get back on track to a regular cycle on its own. Here's hoping!
But on the bright side, I have my annual gyno appointment in one month. I am not quite ready for any major testing yet or the idea of clomid but maybe I can get some answer or some good news or anything at all. Also I will be asking for provera to end what will be a 120 something day cycle by then. Maybe since I am working out more regularly and eating better and I've lost some weight, maybe with a provera induced cycle it will push my body back to get back on track to a regular cycle on its own. Here's hoping!
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