I finally had what I considered to be a pretty good day overall. I didn't feel too bad this morning going to work....I had a bit of a tired spell around 10 and felt a little light headed, but that passed. The best part was looking forward to leaving at three, even if it was to go to the doctor and have stuff shoved up my hooha. Sad when I would rather do that than be at work.
So I went to my RE today, everyone was so nice and said how sorry they were to hear about my loss. My doctor talked to me for a while, asked how it happened, how we are doing, etc. It's always nice to have a doctor that genuinely cares....it becomes so routine to them, and it's probably hard to not fall into the trap of looking at it from a medical standpoint rather than an emotional one. I wish all women in my position had wonderful doctors to take care of them.
So she said the basic plan is to get me back on Metformin, and she said we know that's how you got pregnant before so we'll continue with that plan. I asked her about the Zoloft, if I need to go off from it now or right when I get pregnant again. She said it's a category C, so once I am pregnant if I need to stay on it I can but I don't think I will want to. I had hoped to not be on it for very long, and I am going to be so anxious next time I really don't want to be on anything I don't absolutely have to be. Category C meds have shown an adverse affect in animal studies, and while they cannot say how it affects humans, they determine that the benefits of the drug outweighs any potential risks. I know for some people going off their antidepressants is not really an option, so the benefit outweighs the risk, but I don't think that is true for me. I'm still struggling with depression and grief even while on it, but a drug can only do so much. It can't erase my sadness that my baby died. My peace of mind of not being on it, despite any depression that might increase, is worth it so I don't have to have any additional worry.
After we talked she did an exam. So once I got bloodwork done, I was free. It's a beautiful day outside and I got home about 45 minutes early, so now I have time to relax some before I make dinner.
Mother's Day turned out to be ok. We slept in, and then Ryan gave me a card. He signed it himself, but he also wrote a message as if it was from Kayla. He wrote:
Mom,
I want to tell you I have been passed from person to person, into their welcoming arms with love. Most importantly I have never left grandma's sight and she holds me extra tight when I am placed in her arms. I love you, Kayla.
It made me cry. So we sat around for a bit and then we got lunch, and went to Kayla's grave. I wanted to have a picnic there but it was too chilly so we'll have to do it another day. Then we went to my inlaws and I gave my MIL her gift, which is a garden stone that says Nana's Garden and it has all of the names of her grandchildren with little cartoon children next to them, including Kayla. She loved it.
So then we went to the cemetery to take flowers to my mom's grave an also my grandparents'. From there we went to my grandparents' house, my dad had to move a dresser out of there. It was the final thing to go, the house is now empty. I wanted to go and see it in case it's the last time before it sells. I think we're just about ready to put it on the market. Then we went to dinner at a bar since there wouldn't be a mother's day crowd there. A pretty good day overall.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
:(
As if Mother's Day isn't hard enough for some of us, why must it be shoved down our throats for two fucking weeks? Every fucking where I go, Mother's Day, Mother's Day. Thank you retail America for making the month of May hell for me so you can make a buck. I don't want to take away from mothers who can enjoy the day, but that's just it, it's ONE DAY, not 14.
I'm missing my baby girl tonight.....a lot.
I'm missing my baby girl tonight.....a lot.
My body is working!
I got my period today! I was so surprised...I had been cramping a little, but that doesn't always mean anything, I can cramp on and off for weeks and nothing, but to my delight I started spotting yesterday and today is CD1. Of course that's not to say my body will continue to work, but I'll take anything positive I can get and a period 6 weeks postpartum is pretty good in my book.
I have no idea when I Od. I've been temping for the last few weeks and FF says I Od on Friday but that's of course not right because there is no way I have a 5 day luteal phase. I can't detect anywhere else on my chart that could have been it, so maybe it happaned just before I started temping again. I remember having a lot of sharp pains off an on for a couple days a few weeks ago. That was probably it but I can't remember how long ago that was. But I would say I probably Od for sure....before I got pregnant with Kayla I went an entire year without Oing and no period, so it doesn't seem too likely that this is just a withdrawl bleed after an anovulatory cycle.
Sometimes I get very angry that both my friend and I had these losses. In addition to the obvious reasons, I am just blown away by the odds of that happening. First tri losses are sadly very common, but the chances of a loss in the second tri are considerably less and less the further you get. She and I hoped and prayed, and even got pregnant very close together. We were each other's cheerleader, supporting the other through pgal brain and nerves over appointments. We'd each had early losses, but we were both confident (despite our fears) that these were our rainbow babies. And then the odds were not in her favor and I was so sad and angry for her, and then I experienced my loss as well. The fact that one of us lost our babies was mindblowing....I thought after our struggles with infertility and our first loss, no way would the universe crap on either one of us again, but it ended up crapping on us both.
But it makes me feel better to look at it a different way. Rather than both of us in this friendship having suffered and gone against what were odds in our favor, maybe we were brought together to be each other's strengths. Maybe our friendship was formed so we could be there for each other when we both went through our own hell. I am so sad for us that it happened, but I am so thankful to have someone who understands what I am feeling. Maybe Kayla and Bootsie are best friends in Heaven.
I have no idea when I Od. I've been temping for the last few weeks and FF says I Od on Friday but that's of course not right because there is no way I have a 5 day luteal phase. I can't detect anywhere else on my chart that could have been it, so maybe it happaned just before I started temping again. I remember having a lot of sharp pains off an on for a couple days a few weeks ago. That was probably it but I can't remember how long ago that was. But I would say I probably Od for sure....before I got pregnant with Kayla I went an entire year without Oing and no period, so it doesn't seem too likely that this is just a withdrawl bleed after an anovulatory cycle.
Sometimes I get very angry that both my friend and I had these losses. In addition to the obvious reasons, I am just blown away by the odds of that happening. First tri losses are sadly very common, but the chances of a loss in the second tri are considerably less and less the further you get. She and I hoped and prayed, and even got pregnant very close together. We were each other's cheerleader, supporting the other through pgal brain and nerves over appointments. We'd each had early losses, but we were both confident (despite our fears) that these were our rainbow babies. And then the odds were not in her favor and I was so sad and angry for her, and then I experienced my loss as well. The fact that one of us lost our babies was mindblowing....I thought after our struggles with infertility and our first loss, no way would the universe crap on either one of us again, but it ended up crapping on us both.
But it makes me feel better to look at it a different way. Rather than both of us in this friendship having suffered and gone against what were odds in our favor, maybe we were brought together to be each other's strengths. Maybe our friendship was formed so we could be there for each other when we both went through our own hell. I am so sad for us that it happened, but I am so thankful to have someone who understands what I am feeling. Maybe Kayla and Bootsie are best friends in Heaven.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Better day
I had a much better day today. This morning still sucked, as I got ready for work, thoughts raced through my head of how I could get out of going so I could go back to bed. I even felt nauseous when I got in my car. I've been feeling a lot of odd ailments lately, and I think they're all related to stress and depression. In addition to nausea I've had this disgusting burp where not only am I extra burpy, the taste is nasty, like deviled eggs. And much to my husband's dismay, the smell isn't much better. A few people have told me it's from an acidy or sour stomach. I had it a couple times in the couple weeks right after Kayla was born; I remember for sure that I had it the day I went back to the OB, so I would say it's definitely stress related.
I think I've also been grinding my teeth at night. I've always had problems with my jaw popping, and sometimes I have to actually push on my jaw to get it to open when it's acting up. I've had a lot of problems with this lately, but the last few days I haven't been able to get it to open much at all, so I can only open my mouth a little to eat. This is not fun. Years ago my dentist made me a mouth guard...I wasn't very successful with it, most mornings I found it somewhere in my bed. But I wish I knew where it was now so I could see if it helps. I really don't want to spend money for another one. I'll give it a few more weeks and hopefully it gets better on its own.
I'm also breaking out terribly, but not on my face. Oddly enough my face is quite clear, but my shoulders and the back of my neck are awful. I've been using acne body wash and also acne medecine, I think it's clearing up, but it needs to hurry. I have a strapless dress I want to wear at the end of June for a wedding and I can't really do that if I have zitty shoulders. Wow this entry is all kinds of gross.
So I think I was starting to cope with our loss a little, but now that I am back to work it's like I am entering phase two of my grief. If I were home and feeling really bad, I would have just gone right back to bed and not dealt with it, or I would have watched something good on TV to get my mind off from it, but now I can't do that.
I am sure some days will be worse than others, but I think if I can just somehow make it through each morning without wanting to quit or call in, I'll be ok. Oddly enough my usual annoyances like traffic and obnoxious co-workers haven't bothered me much at all. I think I'm just so zoned out much of the time that I am not really aware of those things, thank God. I've got all the stress I can handle. We celebrated my birthday at work today. They did an awesome job....usually they decorate your desk, everyone gathers around to watch you open your present and then you cut and pass out cake, but I asked if we could do a quiet birthday since I wasn't up to being center of attention.
So no desk decorations, and my boss called me to his desk and gave me my card and gift which was a Target gift card, and he said my cake was on the back desk. I could go get my piece and then he'd send out an email and let everyone know to help themselves. It was perfect and I so appreciated the discreetness. I also have to give credit to my co-workers, nobody has said anything stupid and they have all been very nice and welcoming me back. I was irritated yesterday that nobody actually acknowledged my loss, but I think I was just being crabby. I completely understand that people are probably afraid to bring it up and remind me of my pain, which isn't possible because I always think about it, but I can totally see why they would think that.
Of course my old boss isn't in this week, so I am sure I can look forward to inappropriate comments next week. She got in two zingers when I stopped in the week after to get something off my computer. She said "it was part of God's plan", and "well you can have fun trying again". Ugh, no, God did not kill my baby. Things just happen sometimes and my body failed, it had nothing to do with God's plan. And even if I am wrong, that does NOT make me feel better, especially just three days afterward. And I don't want to talk about having sex with my husband with my creepy old boss, and no, trying is not fun. It took 18 months to get pregnant with Kayla and she DIED....yeah I am anxious to try again for what it may result in, but actually trying is not fun. And it implies that Kayla meant nothing and I can just try to replace her. But, my old boss is a social moron and honestly I wouldn't expect anything less from her. We'll see what gems she comes up with next week. But it really means a lot to me that my co-workers have been very respectful and welcoming.
Well FF gave me CH's yesterday. I don't really believe them, it says I might have O'd on my birthday but I don't recall feeling what could have been O pains. I have been feeling slightly crampy on and off the past few days which could mean my period is coming in a week or so, but I don't know. It's given me CHs several times before, only to take them away around 10DPO, so I am not getting my hopes up.
I think I've also been grinding my teeth at night. I've always had problems with my jaw popping, and sometimes I have to actually push on my jaw to get it to open when it's acting up. I've had a lot of problems with this lately, but the last few days I haven't been able to get it to open much at all, so I can only open my mouth a little to eat. This is not fun. Years ago my dentist made me a mouth guard...I wasn't very successful with it, most mornings I found it somewhere in my bed. But I wish I knew where it was now so I could see if it helps. I really don't want to spend money for another one. I'll give it a few more weeks and hopefully it gets better on its own.
I'm also breaking out terribly, but not on my face. Oddly enough my face is quite clear, but my shoulders and the back of my neck are awful. I've been using acne body wash and also acne medecine, I think it's clearing up, but it needs to hurry. I have a strapless dress I want to wear at the end of June for a wedding and I can't really do that if I have zitty shoulders. Wow this entry is all kinds of gross.
So I think I was starting to cope with our loss a little, but now that I am back to work it's like I am entering phase two of my grief. If I were home and feeling really bad, I would have just gone right back to bed and not dealt with it, or I would have watched something good on TV to get my mind off from it, but now I can't do that.
I am sure some days will be worse than others, but I think if I can just somehow make it through each morning without wanting to quit or call in, I'll be ok. Oddly enough my usual annoyances like traffic and obnoxious co-workers haven't bothered me much at all. I think I'm just so zoned out much of the time that I am not really aware of those things, thank God. I've got all the stress I can handle. We celebrated my birthday at work today. They did an awesome job....usually they decorate your desk, everyone gathers around to watch you open your present and then you cut and pass out cake, but I asked if we could do a quiet birthday since I wasn't up to being center of attention.
So no desk decorations, and my boss called me to his desk and gave me my card and gift which was a Target gift card, and he said my cake was on the back desk. I could go get my piece and then he'd send out an email and let everyone know to help themselves. It was perfect and I so appreciated the discreetness. I also have to give credit to my co-workers, nobody has said anything stupid and they have all been very nice and welcoming me back. I was irritated yesterday that nobody actually acknowledged my loss, but I think I was just being crabby. I completely understand that people are probably afraid to bring it up and remind me of my pain, which isn't possible because I always think about it, but I can totally see why they would think that.
Of course my old boss isn't in this week, so I am sure I can look forward to inappropriate comments next week. She got in two zingers when I stopped in the week after to get something off my computer. She said "it was part of God's plan", and "well you can have fun trying again". Ugh, no, God did not kill my baby. Things just happen sometimes and my body failed, it had nothing to do with God's plan. And even if I am wrong, that does NOT make me feel better, especially just three days afterward. And I don't want to talk about having sex with my husband with my creepy old boss, and no, trying is not fun. It took 18 months to get pregnant with Kayla and she DIED....yeah I am anxious to try again for what it may result in, but actually trying is not fun. And it implies that Kayla meant nothing and I can just try to replace her. But, my old boss is a social moron and honestly I wouldn't expect anything less from her. We'll see what gems she comes up with next week. But it really means a lot to me that my co-workers have been very respectful and welcoming.
Well FF gave me CH's yesterday. I don't really believe them, it says I might have O'd on my birthday but I don't recall feeling what could have been O pains. I have been feeling slightly crampy on and off the past few days which could mean my period is coming in a week or so, but I don't know. It's given me CHs several times before, only to take them away around 10DPO, so I am not getting my hopes up.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Hard day
I'm having a really hard time right now. Work didn't go too bad, people mostly avoided me or just smiled and said welcome back. Though I have to say, one "I'm sorry for your loss" would have been nice.
I ended up leaving at noon though. I really didn't have anything to do because my boss is thankfully giving me a few weeks to kind of get back into things. I thought maybe leaving early would make the day easier and make me feel more refreshed for tomorrow. I did feel good leaving, but now I am feeling pretty crappy again. I don't want to go tomorrow just as much as I didn't want to go today.
I feel desperate, I am wracking my brain trying to figure out some way I don't have to work, but it's just not possible. I can't get anymore paid time off, and I absolutely cannot quit as Ryan's job doesn't have insurance. It's just every little thing feels so completely overwhelming right now. I feel like the depression is crushing me and I worry I will never feel happy again.
I don't want to go back to work, I just don't want to do anything. The idea of not having to work, just taking care of the house, cook, and just do everything I have to do now without working on top of it sounds nice. I know I basically had that for the last six weeks, and I spent most of it sleeping in and not being very productive, but maybe if that free time didn't have an expiration date. I felt pressure to both be productive and enjoy lazy days while I still could.
Though more than likely, it's a grass is greener type thing and for a long while I won't be happy no matter what. I just feel so stuck right now, I don't see any end in sight and I would give anything for more time off work, or to not work at all.
It also didn't help that one of the first conversations I heard today was this girl asking another guy how his newborn son is doing. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I know my loss isn't on other people's minds all the time like it is mine. But maybe, just maybe when you walk into work and see someone back for the first day since her baby died, maybe asking another co-worker about his newborn isn't the best conversation. I'm probably being ridiculous, but it made me angry.
I ended up leaving at noon though. I really didn't have anything to do because my boss is thankfully giving me a few weeks to kind of get back into things. I thought maybe leaving early would make the day easier and make me feel more refreshed for tomorrow. I did feel good leaving, but now I am feeling pretty crappy again. I don't want to go tomorrow just as much as I didn't want to go today.
I feel desperate, I am wracking my brain trying to figure out some way I don't have to work, but it's just not possible. I can't get anymore paid time off, and I absolutely cannot quit as Ryan's job doesn't have insurance. It's just every little thing feels so completely overwhelming right now. I feel like the depression is crushing me and I worry I will never feel happy again.
I don't want to go back to work, I just don't want to do anything. The idea of not having to work, just taking care of the house, cook, and just do everything I have to do now without working on top of it sounds nice. I know I basically had that for the last six weeks, and I spent most of it sleeping in and not being very productive, but maybe if that free time didn't have an expiration date. I felt pressure to both be productive and enjoy lazy days while I still could.
Though more than likely, it's a grass is greener type thing and for a long while I won't be happy no matter what. I just feel so stuck right now, I don't see any end in sight and I would give anything for more time off work, or to not work at all.
It also didn't help that one of the first conversations I heard today was this girl asking another guy how his newborn son is doing. I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I know my loss isn't on other people's minds all the time like it is mine. But maybe, just maybe when you walk into work and see someone back for the first day since her baby died, maybe asking another co-worker about his newborn isn't the best conversation. I'm probably being ridiculous, but it made me angry.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Back to work
I go back to work tomorrow. I'm feeling dread, and partial excitement at the very same time, it's an odd feeling. I'm most worried about getting there...my grief/depression seems to be worst in the morning. It's going to get ready and not want to go back to bed. But I did a ton of laundry yesterday so my outfit is all laid out, and I decided to try to make my day tomorrow as enjoyable as possible so I'm buying both breakfast and lunch out. I kind of have to anyway, I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks.
I packed up all of my maternity clothes and put them in a plastic bin. I did save a couple that aren't true maternity clothes that I like and still look ok. It felt a little sad, but also therapeutic to wash them and pack them away.
My birthday ended up being pretty good. I slept in, and then met my MIL at her office and we walked to a restaurant and sat outside and had lunch. It was a beautiful day. Then we did a little shopping; she works in a quaint little downtown area so there were a lot of interesting shops. Then we got pedicures. It was a very nice day, I am glad we made the plans because otherwise I know I would have sat home moping all day. I just love my MIL, she's such an amazing woman.
When I got home, my husband and I went out for dinner and we got cupcakes but we were too full to eat them right then. Once she got the kids to bed, my best friend and I went out for drinks. First we went to this martini bar and had two martinis, which were delicious. It was so nice to just go out and drink with her and be able to talk without her kids interrupting us. I love love love her kids, but everyone needs some adult time now and then and I think she needed it just as badly. Around 11 the music got so loud we couldn't even hear ourselves talk, so we went down the street to another bar that was only slightly quieter and had a beer. We had a great time....before she and I got married, we used to go out every single weekend, and most week days too. I don't want that part of my life back, it was fun back then but now I am content being in my PJ's by 7pm, watching Survivor with my husband and cuddling with my cats. Funny how things change. But it was a ton of fun to relive old times for one night.
Yesterday we went to the cemetery and made a few changes to the proof for her grave stone. We asked to have the butterflies angled in toward each other, and to add Our Angel at the bottom. I can't wait until it's finished and installed. While we were in the office I looked up my friend's grave. She was hit by a car and killed when we were in the first grade. For years I thought she was buried out of state because that was one of the rumors going around at school. But then I got to thinking, kids also claimed she was buried in the front yard of the school because they planted a tree there for her and put her name on a plaque and that obviously wasn't true, so maybe the out of state rumors weren't true either. So about 7 years ago I called the funeral home where she was laid out, the same one we use for all of our family funerals, and found out she was in the cemetery by my house, which is the one Kayla is now in.
So back then I visited her grave, it was just a couple years before the 20th anniversary of her death. There were some other flowers there, so it made me happy to see people still came to her grave. I forgot where her grave was, so we looked it up, turns out she is just like 25 yards from Kayla's grave, it's so close. What a small small world. It made me sad though this time to see that it doesn't look like anyone had been there in a long time. I couldn't even pull the brass vase up out of the ground, there was so much dirt packed around it. I think I'll take her some flowers one of these days. It's weird to think back to when she died....being only 7, it's hard to even remember much about our friendship back then. But I've thought about her often over the years. I wonder if when a child dies, does their spirit stay a child, or is she like a 34 year old woman now? Either way, it brings me some comfort to know she's so close to my daughter and maybe another soul in Heaven watching over her.
Last night we went out for sushi for my birthday. We were supposed to go with my brother and his girlfriend, but at the last minute he called and said she wasn't feeling well so they weren't going. I was pretty bummed, it was my birthday....not that going to dinner with just my husband is horrible, but I was excited for the four of us to go out. But anyway, we were halfway there and my brother called to say he was still coming afterall and would meet us there. So we had a good dinner and I cheered up pretty quickly.
Today I had a lazy day, mostly laid around and watched TV. Around six I got the urge to go for a bike ride...just before I realized I forgot to take my zoloft earlier so I took it then. I have no idea if it was from that, but partway through I felt so nauseous. I pulled over and drank some water and just rested for a minute. I decided to call it quits and head for home but as soon as I got back on my bike I felt even worse. I finally found a spot that there weren't many people around, pulled over and threw up a few times. I had to sit on this rock for like 10 minutes until I felt well enough to ride home. I still didn't feel great, but I couldn't sit at the park all day. I rode slow though, which was annoying because I just wanted to be home, but I know the more I pushed myself, the more chance I'd puke again.
Then later tonight my stomach was really upset...Ryan thinks it's my nerves about going back to work tomorrow, which very well could be. I don't know, I don't necessarily want more time off, but I don't want to go back either. Hopefully tomorrow will be the worst of it and after that I'll be back in my routine. I'm just praying nobody says anything stupid.
I packed up all of my maternity clothes and put them in a plastic bin. I did save a couple that aren't true maternity clothes that I like and still look ok. It felt a little sad, but also therapeutic to wash them and pack them away.
My birthday ended up being pretty good. I slept in, and then met my MIL at her office and we walked to a restaurant and sat outside and had lunch. It was a beautiful day. Then we did a little shopping; she works in a quaint little downtown area so there were a lot of interesting shops. Then we got pedicures. It was a very nice day, I am glad we made the plans because otherwise I know I would have sat home moping all day. I just love my MIL, she's such an amazing woman.
When I got home, my husband and I went out for dinner and we got cupcakes but we were too full to eat them right then. Once she got the kids to bed, my best friend and I went out for drinks. First we went to this martini bar and had two martinis, which were delicious. It was so nice to just go out and drink with her and be able to talk without her kids interrupting us. I love love love her kids, but everyone needs some adult time now and then and I think she needed it just as badly. Around 11 the music got so loud we couldn't even hear ourselves talk, so we went down the street to another bar that was only slightly quieter and had a beer. We had a great time....before she and I got married, we used to go out every single weekend, and most week days too. I don't want that part of my life back, it was fun back then but now I am content being in my PJ's by 7pm, watching Survivor with my husband and cuddling with my cats. Funny how things change. But it was a ton of fun to relive old times for one night.
Yesterday we went to the cemetery and made a few changes to the proof for her grave stone. We asked to have the butterflies angled in toward each other, and to add Our Angel at the bottom. I can't wait until it's finished and installed. While we were in the office I looked up my friend's grave. She was hit by a car and killed when we were in the first grade. For years I thought she was buried out of state because that was one of the rumors going around at school. But then I got to thinking, kids also claimed she was buried in the front yard of the school because they planted a tree there for her and put her name on a plaque and that obviously wasn't true, so maybe the out of state rumors weren't true either. So about 7 years ago I called the funeral home where she was laid out, the same one we use for all of our family funerals, and found out she was in the cemetery by my house, which is the one Kayla is now in.
So back then I visited her grave, it was just a couple years before the 20th anniversary of her death. There were some other flowers there, so it made me happy to see people still came to her grave. I forgot where her grave was, so we looked it up, turns out she is just like 25 yards from Kayla's grave, it's so close. What a small small world. It made me sad though this time to see that it doesn't look like anyone had been there in a long time. I couldn't even pull the brass vase up out of the ground, there was so much dirt packed around it. I think I'll take her some flowers one of these days. It's weird to think back to when she died....being only 7, it's hard to even remember much about our friendship back then. But I've thought about her often over the years. I wonder if when a child dies, does their spirit stay a child, or is she like a 34 year old woman now? Either way, it brings me some comfort to know she's so close to my daughter and maybe another soul in Heaven watching over her.
Last night we went out for sushi for my birthday. We were supposed to go with my brother and his girlfriend, but at the last minute he called and said she wasn't feeling well so they weren't going. I was pretty bummed, it was my birthday....not that going to dinner with just my husband is horrible, but I was excited for the four of us to go out. But anyway, we were halfway there and my brother called to say he was still coming afterall and would meet us there. So we had a good dinner and I cheered up pretty quickly.
Today I had a lazy day, mostly laid around and watched TV. Around six I got the urge to go for a bike ride...just before I realized I forgot to take my zoloft earlier so I took it then. I have no idea if it was from that, but partway through I felt so nauseous. I pulled over and drank some water and just rested for a minute. I decided to call it quits and head for home but as soon as I got back on my bike I felt even worse. I finally found a spot that there weren't many people around, pulled over and threw up a few times. I had to sit on this rock for like 10 minutes until I felt well enough to ride home. I still didn't feel great, but I couldn't sit at the park all day. I rode slow though, which was annoying because I just wanted to be home, but I know the more I pushed myself, the more chance I'd puke again.
Then later tonight my stomach was really upset...Ryan thinks it's my nerves about going back to work tomorrow, which very well could be. I don't know, I don't necessarily want more time off, but I don't want to go back either. Hopefully tomorrow will be the worst of it and after that I'll be back in my routine. I'm just praying nobody says anything stupid.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
It's May
The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, it's a beautiful 70 degrees outside and I'm very sad. I felt it on April 1st as well, it makes me sad to keep getting further and further away from March...the last time I was pregnant, the last time I was happy and the last time I held my baby.
Time seems to be going so quickly, and I feel like the faster the time goes, the more we're leaving her behind. May has always been a hard month for me; my birthday always leaves me with conflicted feelings, I miss my mom on her birthday and some years' Mother's Day is on or at least always very close to her birthday. I've hated Mother's Day since my mom passed, and last year was really hard with the added knowledge that it should have technically been my first Mother's day as I should have been pregnant last May. Not to mention the pain of none of our family knowing about that miscarriage at the time. But this year is going to be even harder since I really thought I would still be pregnant on Mother's Day.
I went to the cemetery yesterday...I was at the store and I found this little stone that said Love on it, so I got it for her. After a good rain, yesterday turned into a pretty nice day as well, so I stayed for a little while and I talked to her. I've been there a couple times by myself, but this was the first time I stayed for a bit, and I just talked. I told her how much I love her, and how she will always be our baby girl. I told her I was sorry for not being able to keep her safe, and I told her how many people she has on earth that love her, as well as in Heaven. I told her that her middle name is after her grandma, and how I hope she is up there with her, and her great grandparents and great Gamma and her step-uncle. It felt really good to talk to her.
I also stopped in at the office and got the issue with her stone resolved. They're able to do the butterflies still, just make them smaller, which is fine. Honestly I don't really know what the problem was in the first place, I mean, we ordered an 8X8 stone, we kind of figured they would make them whatever size they needed to be to fit. But whatever, it's resolved, we still get the butterflies so it's all good.
For whatever masochistic reason I looked at the Hump Day Bump Day thread on the July board. It made me very sad to see how big I should be right now. I've stayed well away from that thread until now, I don't know what possessed me to open it. I guess sometimes you just feel the need to make the cut and feel the pain.
My MIL just called and we talked for a bit. I feel a lot better since talking to her. My MIL has also had a very hard life....she was 21 with a 9 month old baby when her husband died. I can't even imagine the heartache she went through. But amazingly, she went on to meet my FIL a little bit later, and had her other two children. My dad's girlfriend too, her firstborn has cerebral palsy, she is 40 years old but has the basic mind of a 7 year old and will forever be dependent on her mother. Brenda also had a son, but he died almost 9 years ago. As much as I can't imagine their pain, they are a testament to me that you can go through hell and come out a better person. I feel sorry for myself sometimes for what I've been through in my life, but I also know it has made me stronger and I am better prepared for when life throws me another tragedy. But I almost feel bad for my husband because he doesn't have that knowledge. He doesn't know right now that it won't hurt this bad forever, and that we will get through it. We'll never get over it, and we shouldn't want to. She'll always be our first born and we'll always love her, but life will go on and things will get better, and I wish I could give him that knowledge.
Time seems to be going so quickly, and I feel like the faster the time goes, the more we're leaving her behind. May has always been a hard month for me; my birthday always leaves me with conflicted feelings, I miss my mom on her birthday and some years' Mother's Day is on or at least always very close to her birthday. I've hated Mother's Day since my mom passed, and last year was really hard with the added knowledge that it should have technically been my first Mother's day as I should have been pregnant last May. Not to mention the pain of none of our family knowing about that miscarriage at the time. But this year is going to be even harder since I really thought I would still be pregnant on Mother's Day.
I went to the cemetery yesterday...I was at the store and I found this little stone that said Love on it, so I got it for her. After a good rain, yesterday turned into a pretty nice day as well, so I stayed for a little while and I talked to her. I've been there a couple times by myself, but this was the first time I stayed for a bit, and I just talked. I told her how much I love her, and how she will always be our baby girl. I told her I was sorry for not being able to keep her safe, and I told her how many people she has on earth that love her, as well as in Heaven. I told her that her middle name is after her grandma, and how I hope she is up there with her, and her great grandparents and great Gamma and her step-uncle. It felt really good to talk to her.
I also stopped in at the office and got the issue with her stone resolved. They're able to do the butterflies still, just make them smaller, which is fine. Honestly I don't really know what the problem was in the first place, I mean, we ordered an 8X8 stone, we kind of figured they would make them whatever size they needed to be to fit. But whatever, it's resolved, we still get the butterflies so it's all good.
For whatever masochistic reason I looked at the Hump Day Bump Day thread on the July board. It made me very sad to see how big I should be right now. I've stayed well away from that thread until now, I don't know what possessed me to open it. I guess sometimes you just feel the need to make the cut and feel the pain.
My MIL just called and we talked for a bit. I feel a lot better since talking to her. My MIL has also had a very hard life....she was 21 with a 9 month old baby when her husband died. I can't even imagine the heartache she went through. But amazingly, she went on to meet my FIL a little bit later, and had her other two children. My dad's girlfriend too, her firstborn has cerebral palsy, she is 40 years old but has the basic mind of a 7 year old and will forever be dependent on her mother. Brenda also had a son, but he died almost 9 years ago. As much as I can't imagine their pain, they are a testament to me that you can go through hell and come out a better person. I feel sorry for myself sometimes for what I've been through in my life, but I also know it has made me stronger and I am better prepared for when life throws me another tragedy. But I almost feel bad for my husband because he doesn't have that knowledge. He doesn't know right now that it won't hurt this bad forever, and that we will get through it. We'll never get over it, and we shouldn't want to. She'll always be our first born and we'll always love her, but life will go on and things will get better, and I wish I could give him that knowledge.
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