Good day

I finally had what I considered to be a pretty good day overall.  I didn't feel too bad this morning going to work....I had a bit of a tired spell around 10 and felt a little light headed, but that passed.  The best part was looking forward to leaving at three, even if it was to go to the doctor and have stuff shoved up my hooha.  Sad when I would rather do that than be at work.

So I went to my RE today, everyone was so nice and said how sorry they were to hear about my loss.  My doctor talked to me for a while, asked how it happened, how we are doing, etc.  It's always nice to have a doctor that genuinely cares....it becomes so routine to them, and it's probably hard to not fall into the trap of looking at it from a medical standpoint rather than an emotional one.  I wish all women in my position had wonderful doctors to take care of them.

So she said the basic plan is to get me back on Metformin, and she said we know that's how you got pregnant before so we'll continue with that plan.  I asked her about the Zoloft, if I need to go off from it now or right when I get pregnant again.  She said it's a category C, so once I am pregnant if I need to stay on it I can but I don't think I will want to.  I had hoped to not be on it for very long, and I am going to be so anxious next time I really don't want to be on anything I don't absolutely have to be.  Category C meds have shown an adverse affect in animal studies, and while they cannot say how it affects humans, they determine that the benefits of the drug outweighs any potential risks.  I know for some people going off their antidepressants is not really an option, so the benefit outweighs the risk, but I don't think that is true for me.  I'm still struggling with depression and grief even while on it, but a drug can only do so much.  It can't erase my sadness that my baby died.  My peace of mind of not being on it, despite any depression that might increase, is worth it so I don't have to have any additional worry.

After we talked she did an exam.  So once I got bloodwork done, I was free.  It's a beautiful day outside and I got home about 45 minutes early, so now I have time to relax some before I make dinner.

Mother's Day turned out to be ok.  We slept in, and then Ryan gave me a card.  He signed it himself, but he also wrote a message as if it was from Kayla.  He wrote:

Mom,

I want to tell you I have been passed from person to person, into their welcoming arms with love.  Most importantly I have never left grandma's sight and she holds me extra tight when I am placed in her arms.  I love you, Kayla.

It made me cry.  So we sat around for a bit and then we got lunch, and went to Kayla's grave.  I wanted to have a picnic there but it was too chilly so we'll have to do it another day.  Then we went to my inlaws and I gave my MIL her gift, which is a garden stone that says Nana's Garden and it has all of the names of her grandchildren with little cartoon children next to them, including Kayla.  She loved it.

So then we went to the cemetery to take flowers to my mom's grave an also my grandparents'.  From there we went to my grandparents' house, my dad had to move a dresser out of there.  It was the final thing to go, the house is now empty.  I wanted to go and see it in case it's the last time before it sells.  I think we're just about ready to put it on the market.  Then we went to dinner at a bar since there wouldn't be a mother's day crowd there.  A pretty good day overall.