Really?

Why can't I catch a break?  Why, in addition to emotional stuff going on, do I also have to suffer physical stuff?  I've said how I am grinding my teeth at night, which results in a jaw I cannot open all the way and have to go see a TMJ specialist next month.  I suspect that is also why I always have just a touch of a headache, and at the base of my neck I always kind of feel this ache as though my head is too heavy to hold up.

A few weeks ago I threw up while I was out riding my bike, and this morning I had only been at work for 10 minutes when I felt incredibly nauseas and went to the bathroom to throw up.  I am quite sure my throwing up a few weeks ago was nerves about going back to work the next day, but what the hell is this?  Stress still I am sure, but what triggered it?  Seems odd that when under long term stress, you can just vomit at any time.

Of course pregnancy crossed my mind, but the timing isn't quite right.  Of course possible, that's why they warn even sex on your period can result in pregnancy if you happen to O very soon after.  But that kind of thing doesn't happen to people trying to get pregnant.  That only happens to teenagers in the backseat of a car.  Kidding of course, but I doubt I have that kind of luck.  I'll take a test when I get home just to rule it out, but I am thinking there is a better chance of coming home to find my cats doing the dishes.

So I went to my therapist last night.  I love him, have I said that before?  He's awesome.  He gave me this great analogy that was just so liberating.  I was saying how I am envious of pregnant women who can live in blissful ignorance, who can be happy in their pregnancy without worrying every second that something will go wrong.  I mean, I am sure most women worry, but before I started posting on the bump, I never knew how common miscarriage was and therefore likely wouldn't have worried as much as I do with that knowledge.

Bernie completely understood, he wasn't trying to dismiss my fear, but he said sometimes you just need blind faith.  For instance, driving to my appointment.  He said there could have been a nut in traffic with a gun, or that would cause an accident, but I probably drove to my appointment not even thinking of that.  And that's so true.  I ran a few errands, and happily jammed to my Nsync station on Pandora.  Accidents are very common, the news reports them all the time, but most days as long as road conditions are good, the fear of getting in an accident never crosses my mind.  I've always been of the opinion that a million bad things can happen and if you fear them all the time, you'll never live a good life.

I know it's easier said than done, but in a weird way I felt like that almost gave me a pass to let go of some of the fear.  There are a million things in life that can go wrong, and living in fear doesn't keep them from happening or cause them.  I kind of feel like if I am too happy over a new pregnancy, or too content, then the happiness police will take it away from me.  But thinking of it in that way kind of gave me permission to be happy, at least some of the time.  I'll have to tell him at my next appointment how very wise he is.