Better day

I had a much better day today.  This morning still sucked, as I got ready for work, thoughts raced through my head of how I could get out of going so I could go back to bed.  I even felt nauseous when I got in my car.  I've been feeling a lot of odd ailments lately, and I think they're all related to stress and depression.  In addition to nausea I've had this disgusting burp where not only am I extra burpy, the taste is nasty, like deviled eggs.  And much to my husband's dismay, the smell isn't much better.  A few people have told me it's from an acidy or sour stomach.  I had it a couple times in the couple weeks right after Kayla was born; I remember for sure that I had it the day I went back to the OB, so I would say it's definitely stress related.

I think I've also been grinding my teeth at night.  I've always had problems with my jaw popping, and sometimes I have to actually push on my jaw to get it to open when it's acting up.  I've had a lot of problems with this lately, but the last few days I haven't been able to get it to open much at all, so I can only open my mouth a little to eat.  This is not fun.  Years ago my dentist made me a mouth guard...I wasn't very successful with it, most mornings I found it somewhere in my bed.  But I wish I knew where it was now so I could see if it helps.  I really don't want to spend money for another one.  I'll give it a few more weeks and hopefully it gets better on its own.

I'm also breaking out terribly, but not on my face.  Oddly enough my face is quite clear, but my shoulders and the back of my neck are awful.  I've been using acne body wash and also acne medecine, I think it's clearing up, but it needs to hurry.  I have a strapless dress I want to wear at the end of June for a wedding and I can't really do that if I have zitty shoulders.  Wow this entry is all kinds of gross.

So I think I was starting to cope with our loss a little, but now that I am back to work it's like I am entering phase two of my grief.  If I were home and feeling really bad, I would have just gone right back to bed and not dealt with it, or I would have watched something good on TV to get my mind off from it, but now I can't do that.

I am sure some days will be worse than others, but I think if I can just somehow make it through each morning without wanting to quit or call in, I'll be ok.  Oddly enough my usual annoyances like traffic and obnoxious co-workers haven't bothered me much at all.  I think I'm just so zoned out much of the time that I am not really aware of those things, thank God.  I've got all the stress I can handle.  We celebrated my birthday at work today.  They did an awesome job....usually they decorate your desk, everyone gathers around to watch you open your present and then you cut and pass out cake, but I asked if we could do a quiet birthday since I wasn't up to being center of attention.

So no desk decorations, and my boss called me to his desk and gave me my card and gift which was a Target gift card, and he said my cake was on the back desk.  I could go get my piece and then he'd send out an email and let everyone know to help themselves.  It was perfect and I so appreciated the discreetness.  I also have to give credit to my co-workers, nobody has said anything stupid and they have all been very nice and welcoming me back.  I was irritated yesterday that nobody actually acknowledged my loss, but I think I was just being crabby.  I completely understand that people are probably afraid to bring it up and remind me of my pain, which isn't possible because I always think about it, but I can totally see why they would think that.

Of course my old boss isn't in this week, so I am sure I can look forward to inappropriate comments next week.  She got in two zingers when I stopped in the week after to get something off my computer.  She said "it was part of God's plan", and "well you can have fun trying again".  Ugh, no, God did not kill my baby.  Things just happen sometimes and my body failed, it had nothing to do with God's plan.  And even if I am wrong, that does NOT make me feel better, especially just three days afterward.  And I don't want to talk about having sex with my husband with my creepy old boss, and no, trying is not fun.  It took 18 months to get pregnant with Kayla and she DIED....yeah I am anxious to try again for what it may result in, but actually trying is not fun.  And it implies that Kayla meant nothing and I can just try to replace her.  But, my old boss is a social moron and honestly I wouldn't expect anything less from her.  We'll see what gems she comes up with next week.  But it really means a lot to me that my co-workers have been very respectful and welcoming.

Well FF gave me CH's yesterday.  I don't really believe them, it says I might have O'd on my birthday but I don't recall feeling what could have been O pains.  I have been feeling slightly crampy on and off the past few days which could mean my period is coming in a week or so, but I don't know.  It's given me CHs several times before, only to take them away around 10DPO, so I am not getting my hopes up.