Good day

Today marks two months since our little girl was born sleeping, but I am in a very good mood today.  In fact, this is the first time in the last two months I can say I am in a good mood.  I've had good moments, I've had times where I didn't feel as bad.  But today is a really good day.  The sun is shining, I was singing along with the radio on my drive in to work, it's Friday, it's a three day weekend, and I got a positive OPK this morning.  I am elated!

I'll get back to that in a minute.  Even despite my other reasons to be happy, in a weird way the 24th of each month doesn't represent as much heartbreak for me as the other days do, because that is the day my precious angel was born.  That is the day I held her in my arms, and stared at her beautiful face.  That was the day she was mine, and I had her with me here on earth.  It was a day full of tears, but we had all of our close friends and family surrounding us, celebrating our baby girl.

The day before when we found out we would likely lose her was hell; saying goodbye and watching her being taken away the next day was hell; saying goodbye a final time and watching her be buried was hell, as was most days since then.  But the 24th represents her, and holding her.

So I've been getting what were very close to positive OPKs for the last couple days, along with EWCM, or at least I think it was.  I still have a very hard time identifying that sometimes.  I even got false hope yesterday when my wondfo looked very close to positive so I tried a digi and it said positive.  I was leary though, because when I first dipped it, the stick symbol never started flashing.  So after ten minutes I dipped that same stick again (I know I know), the symbol started flashing and after five minutes it showed the smiley face.  Even with my inept ability to discern a positive wondfo, I was pretty sure that was still negative so I tried another digi....negative.  Just to split the difference, and because I apparently enjoy wasting sticks, I tried another, negative.

This morning I didn't have much hope since they often say FMU isn't a good time to try an OPK, but I have a ton of them and I do not want to miss my surge.  It looked pretty close, but by the time the timer went off, I was pretty sure it might be positive.  I tried a digi and it was positive!  I was pretty confident in these results, but given last night's shenanagans I tried one more and this one told me positive before the 5 minutes was even up.

I forget who told me this (sorry, I really do cherish all comments and input but my mind hasn't been up to par recently) but I was told you'll know you're ready to try again when your excitement outweighs your fear.  The fear will always be there, but right now I am very eager and excited.  It's even more exciting to know my body is doing this on its own.  I just started back on my metformin a week ago and I am still only on 500 mg a day, not the 1500 I was on that made me O last time.  I know I haven't actually Od yet, and a positive OPK doesn't mean I will....but so far both times before when I had positives, I did O, so I'm pretty confident I will.

I find it odd though that my positive came on a Friday, just like the other two times.  Doesn't my body know there are six other days in the week?  I tend to be very supersticious and I have a mind for dates and times and notice patterns like these.  Years ago when I was going through a bad break up, it seemed like most days I would just happen to look at the clock at 1:23 or 1:43, which meant I miss you and I love you for pager codes (yeah I just dated myself, that was back in the day of pagers).  So naturally I took it as a sign that my ex still missed me and loved me.  It's ok, you can laugh...despite my supersticians and belief in signs, I even cringe at how ridiculous that was.

I need to slow down, I haven't even O'd yet and in my head I am already pregnant.  But I'm just so happy that my body might be working on its own again.