I go back to work tomorrow. I'm feeling dread, and partial excitement at the very same time, it's an odd feeling. I'm most worried about getting there...my grief/depression seems to be worst in the morning. It's going to get ready and not want to go back to bed. But I did a ton of laundry yesterday so my outfit is all laid out, and I decided to try to make my day tomorrow as enjoyable as possible so I'm buying both breakfast and lunch out. I kind of have to anyway, I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks.
I packed up all of my maternity clothes and put them in a plastic bin. I did save a couple that aren't true maternity clothes that I like and still look ok. It felt a little sad, but also therapeutic to wash them and pack them away.
My birthday ended up being pretty good. I slept in, and then met my MIL at her office and we walked to a restaurant and sat outside and had lunch. It was a beautiful day. Then we did a little shopping; she works in a quaint little downtown area so there were a lot of interesting shops. Then we got pedicures. It was a very nice day, I am glad we made the plans because otherwise I know I would have sat home moping all day. I just love my MIL, she's such an amazing woman.
When I got home, my husband and I went out for dinner and we got cupcakes but we were too full to eat them right then. Once she got the kids to bed, my best friend and I went out for drinks. First we went to this martini bar and had two martinis, which were delicious. It was so nice to just go out and drink with her and be able to talk without her kids interrupting us. I love love love her kids, but everyone needs some adult time now and then and I think she needed it just as badly. Around 11 the music got so loud we couldn't even hear ourselves talk, so we went down the street to another bar that was only slightly quieter and had a beer. We had a great time....before she and I got married, we used to go out every single weekend, and most week days too. I don't want that part of my life back, it was fun back then but now I am content being in my PJ's by 7pm, watching Survivor with my husband and cuddling with my cats. Funny how things change. But it was a ton of fun to relive old times for one night.
Yesterday we went to the cemetery and made a few changes to the proof for her grave stone. We asked to have the butterflies angled in toward each other, and to add Our Angel at the bottom. I can't wait until it's finished and installed. While we were in the office I looked up my friend's grave. She was hit by a car and killed when we were in the first grade. For years I thought she was buried out of state because that was one of the rumors going around at school. But then I got to thinking, kids also claimed she was buried in the front yard of the school because they planted a tree there for her and put her name on a plaque and that obviously wasn't true, so maybe the out of state rumors weren't true either. So about 7 years ago I called the funeral home where she was laid out, the same one we use for all of our family funerals, and found out she was in the cemetery by my house, which is the one Kayla is now in.
So back then I visited her grave, it was just a couple years before the 20th anniversary of her death. There were some other flowers there, so it made me happy to see people still came to her grave. I forgot where her grave was, so we looked it up, turns out she is just like 25 yards from Kayla's grave, it's so close. What a small small world. It made me sad though this time to see that it doesn't look like anyone had been there in a long time. I couldn't even pull the brass vase up out of the ground, there was so much dirt packed around it. I think I'll take her some flowers one of these days. It's weird to think back to when she died....being only 7, it's hard to even remember much about our friendship back then. But I've thought about her often over the years. I wonder if when a child dies, does their spirit stay a child, or is she like a 34 year old woman now? Either way, it brings me some comfort to know she's so close to my daughter and maybe another soul in Heaven watching over her.
Last night we went out for sushi for my birthday. We were supposed to go with my brother and his girlfriend, but at the last minute he called and said she wasn't feeling well so they weren't going. I was pretty bummed, it was my birthday....not that going to dinner with just my husband is horrible, but I was excited for the four of us to go out. But anyway, we were halfway there and my brother called to say he was still coming afterall and would meet us there. So we had a good dinner and I cheered up pretty quickly.
Today I had a lazy day, mostly laid around and watched TV. Around six I got the urge to go for a bike ride...just before I realized I forgot to take my zoloft earlier so I took it then. I have no idea if it was from that, but partway through I felt so nauseous. I pulled over and drank some water and just rested for a minute. I decided to call it quits and head for home but as soon as I got back on my bike I felt even worse. I finally found a spot that there weren't many people around, pulled over and threw up a few times. I had to sit on this rock for like 10 minutes until I felt well enough to ride home. I still didn't feel great, but I couldn't sit at the park all day. I rode slow though, which was annoying because I just wanted to be home, but I know the more I pushed myself, the more chance I'd puke again.
Then later tonight my stomach was really upset...Ryan thinks it's my nerves about going back to work tomorrow, which very well could be. I don't know, I don't necessarily want more time off, but I don't want to go back either. Hopefully tomorrow will be the worst of it and after that I'll be back in my routine. I'm just praying nobody says anything stupid.
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