Hard day

I'm having a really hard time right now.  Work didn't go too bad, people mostly avoided me or just smiled and said welcome back.  Though I have to say, one "I'm sorry for your loss" would have been nice.

I ended up leaving at noon though.  I really didn't have anything to do because my boss is thankfully giving me a few weeks to kind of get back into things.  I thought maybe leaving early would make the day easier and make me feel more refreshed for tomorrow.  I did feel good leaving, but now I am feeling pretty crappy again.  I don't want to go tomorrow just as much as I didn't want to go today.

I feel desperate, I am wracking my brain trying to figure out some way I don't have to work, but it's just not possible.  I can't get anymore paid time off, and I absolutely cannot quit as Ryan's job doesn't have insurance.  It's just every little thing feels so completely overwhelming right now.  I feel like the depression is crushing me and I worry I will never feel happy again.

I don't want to go back to work, I just don't want to do anything.  The idea of not having to work, just taking care of the house, cook, and just do everything I have to do now without working on top of it sounds nice.  I know I basically had that for the last six weeks, and I spent most of it sleeping in and not being very productive, but maybe if that free time didn't have an expiration date.  I felt pressure to both be productive and enjoy lazy days while I still could.

Though more than likely, it's a grass is greener type thing and for a long while I won't be happy no matter what.  I just feel so stuck right now, I don't see any end in sight and I would give anything for more time off work, or to not work at all.

It also didn't help that one of the first conversations I heard today was this girl asking another guy how his newborn son is doing.  I know the world doesn't revolve around me, and I know my loss isn't on other people's minds all the time like it is mine.  But maybe, just maybe when you walk into work and see someone back for the first day since her baby died, maybe asking another co-worker about his newborn isn't the best conversation.  I'm probably being ridiculous, but it made me angry.