Double edge sword

Ryan and I went up north for my dad's surprise retirement party this past weekend.  It was fun, he was totally surprised.  We had a good turn out and the pig roast was awesome.  We had fun with my cousins, went go-carting and set off awesome fireworks and had smores and a bon fire.  At some point through out the weekend we felt normal again, we felt happy.

But it was also sad.  My dad has 11 brothers and sisters and I have almost 30 cousins.  Not all of them were there of course, but needless to say, I have a huge family.  But not one of them said one word about Kayla or our loss.  On the one hand I completely understand, I doubt I would have been brave enough to say anything either if I were in their shoes.  Maybe they thought I wanted a weekend of not being reminded of the pain, maybe they didn't know what to say and were afraid of upsetting us more.  But when it hasn't even been two months since we lost her, it hurt to not have one single person at least ask how we were doing.

Nobody said anything about our tattoos either.  My aunt Sue is very anti-tattoo and had they been anything but a memorial tattoo, she would have been all over that gasping about the fact that I now have three and Ryan's is pretty big and very visible.  But not one word, so that's just more proof they were avoiding it like the plague.

Like I said, I get it, I do.  But it still hurts.  On June 15th two of my cousins are having their grad party and another one is having her bridal shower, so people were asking us if we're coming up for that.  I hadn't planned on it, June 15th was supposed to be my baby shower.  Ryan wants to go, he thinks it would be good for us.  I don't know....on the one hand I want to go, it sounds like fun and it was nice to see my family again, but I just don't know if I am going to be up to putting on a happy face that day and pretending everything is ok.

If we stay home, I'll do something with my best friend, and I don't have to pretend for her.  I can be sad in front of her and she'll understand.  I just don't know if I want to be far from home, surrounded by everyone being happy that they are graduating high school or getting married soon, all the while knowing I should be at my baby shower right then, huge and excited to be meeting my baby girl soon.

I started testing Friday night but they've all been negative.  I am starting to get a little down since I was hoping my body is back on track and I would O on CD14.  But, it could still be coming.  Plenty of people have what is considered a regular cycle and not O until as late as CD20.  Last time I didn't O until CD34.  But I am praying along with actually Oing, that it comes relatively on time or earlier than CD34.  The more days that go by, the harder it's going to be to stay positive.