It's May

The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, it's a beautiful 70 degrees outside and I'm very sad.  I felt it on April 1st as well, it makes me sad to keep getting further and further away from March...the last time I was pregnant, the last time I was happy and the last time I held my baby.

Time seems to be going so quickly, and I feel like the faster the time goes, the more we're leaving her behind.  May has always been a hard month for me; my birthday always leaves me with conflicted feelings, I miss my mom on her birthday and some years' Mother's Day is on or at least always very close to her birthday.  I've hated Mother's Day since my mom passed, and last year was really hard with the added knowledge that it should have technically been my first Mother's day as I should have been pregnant last May.  Not to mention the pain of none of our family knowing about that miscarriage at the time.  But this year is going to be even harder since I really thought I would still be pregnant on Mother's Day.

I went to the cemetery yesterday...I was at the store and I found this little stone that said Love on it, so I got it for her.  After a good rain, yesterday turned into a pretty nice day as well, so I stayed for a little while and I talked to her.  I've been there a couple times by myself, but this was the first time I stayed for a bit, and I just talked.  I told her how much I love her, and how she will always be our baby girl.  I told her I was sorry for not being able to keep her safe, and I told her how many people she has on earth that love her, as well as in Heaven.  I told her that her middle name is after her grandma, and how I hope she is up there with her, and her great grandparents and great Gamma and her step-uncle.  It felt really good to talk to her.

I also stopped in at the office and got the issue with her stone resolved.  They're able to do the butterflies still, just make them smaller, which is fine.  Honestly I don't really know what the problem was in the first place, I mean, we ordered an 8X8 stone, we kind of figured they would make them whatever size they needed to be to fit.  But whatever, it's resolved, we still get the butterflies so it's all good.

For whatever masochistic reason I looked at the Hump Day Bump Day thread on the July board.  It made me very sad to see how big I should be right now.  I've stayed well away from that thread until now, I don't know what possessed me to open it.  I guess sometimes you just feel the need to make the cut and feel the pain.

My MIL just called and we talked for a bit.  I feel a lot better since talking to her.  My MIL has also had a very hard life....she was 21 with a 9 month old baby when her husband died.  I can't even imagine the heartache she went through.  But amazingly, she went on to meet my FIL a little bit later, and had her other two children.  My dad's girlfriend too, her firstborn has cerebral palsy, she is 40 years old but has the basic mind of a 7 year old and will forever be dependent on her mother.  Brenda also had a son, but he died almost 9 years ago.  As much as I can't imagine their pain, they are a testament to me that you can go through hell and come out a better person.  I feel sorry for myself sometimes for what I've been through in my life, but I also know it has made me stronger and I am better prepared for when life throws me another tragedy.  But I almost feel bad for my husband because he doesn't have that knowledge.  He doesn't know right now that it won't hurt this bad forever, and that we will get through it.  We'll never get over it, and we shouldn't want to.  She'll always be our first born and we'll always love her, but life will go on and things will get better, and I wish I could give him that knowledge.