A plan

I finally made the dreaded call to my RE today and made an appointment for May 14th.  The call wasn't so hard, I was definitely ready to make it today.  The other days I tried I was way too nervous.  It's good timing too because we figure we'll be ready to try around mid to late May.  I sometimes worry that we're trying too soon, either because I am worried that people will think we're replacing her, or because I'm concerned that we're just not emotionally ready and I don't know how to know when we'll be ready.  But I realized today that it will be two months when we try, that's not super early.  It just feels early because it feels like we just lost her yesterday, it doesn't feel like it's been 5 weeks already.

I guess technically I don't even really need to go to the RE.  Upping my Metformin is what made me O last time, and I still have my medicine, I could just start taking it again.  We never did an HSG on me before and I doubt she'd want to do one now, and my husband has already had his SA's.  But I just feel better to have the support of my RE.  Once I do get pregnant, I want the bloodwork to make sure my betas are increasing properly, and I want the six and eight week ultrasounds.  Due to my history, my OB would likely do that too, but since I know for certain my RE will do it, I'll go that route. 

Speaking of my RE, I thought maybe I ovulated the other day.  I finally stopped spotting on the day that marked one month, and then I had some pains on my right side and my temp spiked a bit.  I put in a dummy temp the next day and it gave me dotted CH's since I didn't have CM or OPKs recorded or anything.  But the next morning my temp took a huge nosedive, so so much for that theory. 

So I can't sleep for shit right now...once I am asleep I never want to wake up, but I can't get to sleep at night.  I've never been a great sleeper, I can't fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow like my husband can....and can I just say I hate him for that.  I'm so jealous when I'm laying there tossing and turning and he's asleep within a second of laying down.  So I'm not a stranger to taking a little while to fall asleep, but pregnancy spoiled me.  Sure I woke up anytime I rolled over because it either hurt my back, or I got tangled up in my body pillow and I got up once or twice...sometimes three to pee, but it was so nice to fall asleep as soon as I crawled into bed because I was so tired.  And that was with taking an hour or two nap everynight.  I have to say, I am not looking forward to being pregnant again in the first trimester....the uncertainty and the worry, not to mention waiting to find out what symptoms are going to plague you.  But I will welcome first tri naps back with open arms.  I loved my first tri naps.  I could nap every evening with no guilt because you know, I was growing a human and all....and then I could still fall asleep easily when I went to bed at 10:30 or 11 which is very early for me.

So I've tried Zzquil and Unisom but so far neither of them work.  They relax me a tiny bit, but they don't knock me out at all, I still lie there for a while before falling asleep.  I thought about calling my OB for an rx, but hopefully once I am back to work and forced to get up early, I'll be able to sleep easier at night, as long as I can resist an evening nap that is.

I saw my therapist today.  I love him.  I always feel so emotionally cleansed after a session.  He said it sounds like I am progressing well through my grief.  He said he isn't hearing a lot of bargaining and blaming myself.  He said of course I'll be sad and grieving for a while, but that I seem to be dealing with it well and in a healthy way.  I've been pretty numb the last couple weeks, and he agrees it is likely due to the Zoloft.  I haven't cried in two weeks, which is odd for me even when I am not grieving, I can tear up over a good commercial or greeting card.  He said it's probably taking the edge off for me, which may be what I need right now.  It's like my soul feels sad and is crying, but I am stuck in a calm body.  Though I guess it is better than an aching heart.

I was browsing Tshirts the other night because we want to order shirts that we can wear when we do remembrance walks for her.  So as I am looking through them, I see a lot of shirts about pregnancy loss awareness, and mommy of an angel shirts.  Then I came across one that said I Heart Miscarriage.  WTF?  I was so disdurbed by that I actually reported it to the company as offensive.  They're still deciding if it violates their rules and if it will be discontinued, but I can't for the life of me figure out what they were trying to convey.

I mean, I get raising awareness about it, and I totally get loving the baby that was lost to miscarriage, but there is absolutely nothing to love about miscarriage.  That's like proudly wearing a shirt that says I heart cancer, or I heart murder.  I'm also pissed off that women who have experienced this loss, and who are browsing through these shirts have to see this bizarre shirt.  I really hope they agree to take it down.  Otherwise I definitely will not be shopping there.

We ordered Kayla's gravestone just a few days after the funeral, and the proof was supposed to be in within about two weeks.  So it's been more like three or four, so I called today to see what was the hold up.  Apparently the butterflies that we ordered for it are too big for the stone, and the manufacture just never called to let anyone know.  Nice.  The woman at the cemetary is supposed to call me back, but I am not sure what to do now.  We weren't really given any guidelines as to which graphics would fit and which wouldn't, so what's to say if we pick another one, that it will fit?  I also really like the butterflies...it was going to sort of be the unofficial theme of her nursery and my shower, so when I see butterflies I think of her.

My dad took us out to dinner tonight for my birthday.  It's not until Friday, but he'll be out of town.  We went to this little Italian place that I love, it was so good.  My brother was working late, but his girlfriend came with us.  Afterward we were so full, so she and I decided to go for a walk so Ryan took off, and I rode home with her.  So we went for a nice 30 minute walk, it flew by since we talked the whole time.  I wish she lived closer so we could walk together more often.  When we were almost back to my house, a car drove by and honked, it was my brother.  Melissa didn't have her phone on her, so we joked that he must have secretly chipped her to know where she was.  Turns out he had talked to my husband and decided to come over.  So they hung out for a little while, it was fun.  We're all going out for sushi for birthday celebration number two on Saturday.  I figure if my birthday has to suck so much, I might as well do a lot of celebrating.  I can't wait for the sushi, the last time we went I had this one roll, it was coconut shrimp...ugh it was one of the best foods I ever had in my life.  I am drooling, I can't wait.