When Kayla was born Ryan saw her come out....they gave me a little peak but I didn't see much before they took her to clean her up and dress her. They gave her to me dressed in a little gown and wrapped in a pink blanket. I do remember peeking and seeing that she had on what looked like a tiny doll cloth diaper, but that was it. Not that I want to be some creeper that wanted to look underneath her diaper, but I'm left with this odd feeling that there are parts of my daughter that I didn't see. Of course most mothers see their babies with the first diaper change or bath, but I never got to do any of that.
I know they always say that when you are suddenly paying attention to something, you suddenly see it everwhere. It's not that that particular thing is suddenly everywhere, just that you're noticing it more. I get that. BUT...Ryan told me about the name Kayla on our second date....and he'd loved it way longer than that. And I'm not talking about just mentioning it to me back then and when we found out we were having a girl we named her Kayla. For six years we referred to our future child as Kayla. When we were talking hypothetically, we'd say "someday when Kayla is yada yada.....". Sometimes when we bought something where they ask if you want to donate a dollar for children and they give you that little sign to fill out and they hang around the register, Ryan always wrote Kayla's name on it. If I wasn't feeling well, even loooong before we were even trying to get pregnant, Ryan would affectionately say, "is it Kayla"? So as you can see, our daughter has been named Kayla long before she was even created. So it just kills me how often since she was born we see her name now. It's everywhere, and we were clearly paying attention to the name before this. It always makes me sad now when I see it. I hope one day it doesn't.
I think I need to go clothes shopping before I go back to work....my birthday is coming up, maybe I'll ask for clothes from everyone. I hate wearing my maternity clothes...the pants are all too big so I have to wear belly bands and pulling that up all day reminds me too much of when I was pregnant. The snug fitting shirts are ok, but they're all misshapen as there should be a protruding belly, and I flat out refuse to wear any of the shirts that had the empire waist with the little bow under the boobs.
I've been really trying to get on a better sleep schedule but it's not working so well. The last two mornings I've gotten up when Ryan leaves for work at 7. Yesterday I was up, sat around till about 9, intending to go to the gym, but my legs were sore from the long walk I took the day before, and I was having some pretty blah side effects from the zoloft. I decided to take the day off and do nothing and I ended up napping on the couch for a few hours. Then this morning, I was up and on my computer so I was fully awake....can't even claim I was under the influence of sleepiness, and I decided fuck it, and I went back to bed. I didn't get up until 11 and that was only because I had to take Vinny to the vet. I did make it to the gym, but then I proceeded to eat horribly all day.
I am not sure if my sleeping in is depression related or if it's more because my body knows I don't really have to get up. I mean, this grief is different from the grief I went through when my mom died. I can't say it's worse or better, it's just different. With my mom I was just crushed with grief....my mommy was gone, I couldn't believe it. When I would wake up in the morning I desperately hoped it was all a bad dream and when I would realize it wasn't and I would never see my mom again, it literally felt like my heart was in a vice and it was slowly cracking and breaking under the pressure. I felt that a little with Kayla right after.....it was mostly very early on when I just couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't believe we weren't going to bring her home one day, that I was no longer pregnant and our pregnancy wouldn't have a happy ending.
I would say that's the denial stage, where you just can't accept it. I was in that stage for a long time with my mom. But with Kayla I am feeling more anger...like why me, why did we lose our baby when we loved her so much? Why do other people who are less deserving get their babies? Why do monsters that hurt or kill their babies get them? Why did we not only struggle with infertility, but also multiple losses? For me personally, anger is an easier emotion to feel than sadness and desperation. Depression is suffocating, you feel like you can't move, you can't think and the weight of the world is on you. But anger is often motivating....it's the motivation behind going to the gym, behind being productive most days. So when I wake up and hit snooze and go back to sleep, it's not the feeling that I can't face the world, I think it's just laziness and wanting to sleep. This morning it might have been a little more depression related....I hadn't packed my gym bag and the idea of having to pack it in addition to getting myself ready was more than I could handle this morning. I'll try again tomorrow.
Ryan and I went to a support group last night. It was different from what I expected, much smaller. There were about 12 of us. I was a little unsure at first because we were the only new ones, and everyone seems to have known each other for a while. But all of the women were so very nice and welcoming so I felt at home pretty quickly. I even shared our story and participated in some of the discussion which I wasn't sure I would be ready to do. Ryan was not very comfortable since it was all women, he wasn't geeked about going in the first place but I needed him to go with me the first time. They only meet once a month so I know by then I'll be a little nervous about going again, but I'll be ok to go by myself. I went to to high school with one of the women, I didn't know her back then very well but it was good to see a familiar face.
Though my doctor can't say for sure, I'm leaning toward my issue being an incompetent cervix. I know they said it's a chicken or the egg scenario, but it makes sense to me that if my cervix was incompetent, it could have started dilating several days before I actually went into active labor, and that allowed the bacteria to get in. So maybe the bacteria didn't help any, but I am thinking that is not what caused the labor if my cervix was already shortening and dilating. I don't know if it matters or not, but it makes me feel much much better about getting a cerclage and the chances of it helping. The idea of trying to prevent bacteria when I don't even know how it happened in the first place was very scary to me. But if I have an incompetent cervix, getting the cerclage and the bi-weekly cervix checks makes me feel like we're taking action against it happening again.
When the nurse took pictures of Kayla in the hospital, she placed a tiny gold ring in her hand, and the ring was given to us among her keepsakes. Since going to the support group and joining their facebook page, I've seen several more pictures of babies with the gold ring. To any loss moms, is there a specific significance of this ring? My guess is to represent eternity or something, but I was curious.
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