Projects

I made a list of several projects that I want to do while I am off work to keep busy.  My husband told me yesterday that he is very scared of going back to work while I am still home, he is very scared that I will sink into a depression.

That makes me sad that he feels that way, because I already know he has put his own grief aside to take care of me, and now he is afraid to leave me alone.  I admit that I am scared of him being gone all day, and I already know that I will likely cry when he leaves for work on Monday, but I think for his own sanity he needs to go.  Besides, being away from him is going to be hard no matter what, so we might as well get it over with sooner rather than later.  I definitely don't want to tackle being away from him and going back to work myself at the same time.

So in addition to my list, my goal each day first and foremost is to shower and get dressed everyday.  Not showering is the fastest way to depressionville because you lay around feeling gross, tired and lazy.  Even if I need to spend the day in a low key way watching TV, I need to shower so I'll feel better.

I also plan to go to the gym everyday, even if it is just to walk on the treadmill.  I think I'll also pack a bag and shower there when I am done.  If I go home and shower I can see myself taking all afternoon to shower and get ready, and then end up getting nothing done.

Ryan and I decided we want to finish the nursery.  The plan was to paint it gray and then the trim, part of the closet doors, bedding, and curtains would be accented in pink.  It makes me more sad to leave the nursery unfinished and blah, so we're still going to paint it all gray but we're going to do any trim in white, and put the closet doors on.  Then when we get our rainbow baby we can accent in either blue or pink depending on which sex.  And the advantage of that will be, once we are pregnant again we won't have to worry about the nursery.  I suspect things like that won't be fun next time and I wouldn't want to do anything like that until really late into the pregnancy anyway so at least then it will be done. 

Some of my bigger projects are organizing my home office, cleaning our bedroom, organizing the tool room in the basement and making a memory box for all of Kayla's things.  Then I have some things I just need to do each day, like going to the dentist, calling my boss, etc.  I plan on calling my RE on Monday.  Of course we aren't ready to try yet and I don't know if we will be ready once we're physically ready, but I should find out when they might want me to come in, in case there is a long wait.  It only took two weeks to get an appointment with her back in September, but who knows, maybe babies are a seasonal thing.  I would hate to wait, and then find out that I can't get in to see her for three months.

For whatever reason, I was thinking it wouldn't matter how much of my FMLA I used since we'll be definitely looking at 2014 for another delivery (hopefully) so my slate would be wiped clean and I'd have 12 weeks eligibility again next year.  But duh, it goes back 12 months, not by calendar year so I wouldn't be eligible for 12 weeks again until after March 25th next year.  But we decided that we'll start trying whenever we feel ready and if our due date happens to fall before then, so be it.  We have no idea how long it could take to get pregnant again, and I would hate to wait, and then have it take a long time and then regret it later.  If worst came to worst, I'd only get six weeks maternity next time....if we can have our rainbow baby and he or she is healthy and happy, then six weeks it is.

I hate that I feel like when we try again we'll be replacing her....but I need to remember that everyone is ready at different times.  There really is no such thing as too soon, as long as it's comfortable for us and of course as long as we've been cleared to try again.  I don't know if we'll be ready in a month, but it feels good to have a plan, and that Ryan and I are on the same page.