Against my better judgement, I watched the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" yesterday. It made me angry. First because I think most of these women are in denial. They think if they just ignore it, it will go away or will not be true. For the women that truly didn't know, if there is such a thing, they didn't even necessarily want kids. They weren't in love with their little peanut, they weren't praying every night that he or she would be ok, and they weren't getting any kind of prenatal care whatsoever, but all of their babies were ok.
Before I even got pregnant, I charted my temperatures, I peed on a lot of sticks, I took medication, I tried losing weight, I made half a dozen trips to my RE to get poked and prodded. Once I was pregnant, I gave up pop, I ate better, I went through countless fasting blood tests where I had to come back later to finish the test to check my sugar. I had uncomfortable and painful exams, I sat in a lab for three hours for the GD test, I went on a strict diet when I was doagnosed with GD, I poked my fingers several times a day, I took time off work to go for every two week appts starting at 18 weeks and I would do it all again plus more, but our baby wasn't ok. Our baby was very loved and very wanted and there isn't anything I wouldn't have done for her, but she was taken from us anyway. I can wonder for the rest of my life, but I don't think I'll ever find the answer to why.
Some people, well meaning as they are, have suggested that God took her now to spare her of suffering later on. Of course we have no way of knowing what awaited her in her life. But that doesn't make sense to me. Lots of people suffer in their lives, how come someone with cancer didn't die in utero so they wouldn't have to suffer later? How come the monsters that bombed the Boston Marathon didn't die at birth so they wouldn't commit that crime? I know others are seeking asnwers as well, and maybe that idea makes them feel better to know Kayla avoided a life of hurt somehow, but it doesn't make sense to me and therefore does not make me feel better.
My husband broke my heart today. When he got home from work, without even a word on the subject, he sighed and said "I'm never going to get over this. I'm never going to find a way to get over it". Then he was telling me about this other guy at work whose wife just lost a 5 week pregnancy. Now let me just say, I of course know every lost pregnancy is painful, I've had an early loss as well and it hurt like hell. For our next pregnancy I know I will worry like hell in the first trimester about another early loss. But I'm sorry, an early loss and a late loss are very very different. There is a huge difference between losing a baby you only knew you had for a few days or weeks, and holding your sleeping baby in your arms and saying goodbye. So my husband is a little hurt that people at work seem to be giving this guy more sympathy than him. So Ryan went up to him today and said hey I'm sorry for your loss. Then he pointed to his tattoo and he said he just lost his baby girl a few weeks ago and the guy just said yeah I heard. No sorry for your loss, or I'm sorry to hear that.
I feel bad for him that people aren't really there for him. And it killed me to hear him utter the words, "I lost my baby girl". I know how much he loved her and it breaks my heart. We were watching Teen Mom last night and the one little girl is about 3 and soooo cute. I looked over at him and he smiled and said she's adorable. I know he was thinking about Kayla then, wondering what she would have looked like at that age. I've said it before, but I really really hope our next baby is another girl. Not to replace her, or not to be like a Kayla #2, but I so badly want my husband to have his little girl. We'll of course love a boy just as much, but when I see us with a baby, it's a little girl.
On a better note, the ladies from the July '13 board on the bump are amazing. I got a package from them yesterday containing some candy (which I cannot seem to stay away from) sympathy cards and some even sent gift cards. I am so overwhelmed by their kind words and generosity, especially those that spent their hard earned money on a gift card so we could enjoy a dinner out without hassle. I am sure other BMB's are great too, but I am convinced I was a part of the best BMB there was and I am so sad not to be a part of it anymore. Counting myself, the board has had three later losses just in the last month. I hope there are no more...as sad as I am to not be one of the happy pregnant women anymore, I truly hope no other woman of the group has to endure the pain that we are.
I'm so sorry to hear that others aren't being there for your husband. I never had an early loss and like you, I know all losses are painful, but there is no comparison between losing a baby at five weeks and losing one later. There isn't even a comparison between a loss like mine at 15 weeks and the loss of your Kayla.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the package got there. I'm sorry you haven't been able to stay away from the candy, but chocolate is my go-to when I'm feeling down (I eat my emotions) so it's what I tend to send to others. ;)
HUGS!
Aww, I really don't think there is a big difference. Your loss seven weeks earlier than mine still resulted in you giving birth and holding your precious angel and having to say goodbye. Don't discount that, and it breaks my heart that you had to do it all alone.
DeleteI am thankful though that my loss wasn't at term. Losing Kayla was so incredibly hard, but my heart hurts for the women that carry them the full nine months, go to the hospital with joy that they are about to meet their babies and then lose them, coming home to a completed nursery without their baby to go in it, ugh.
And the chocolates were SO yummy. I don't feel guilty one bit for the um, 12 or so I ate in one day. Definitely a nice surprise :)
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ReplyDeleteI am sorry that show pissed you off and I can see where you are coming from, but there are people who have been and didn't know, I am one of them. One day I would be willing to share that story with you if you were interested but right now I am more interested in you and your story and how you are fairing. I feel so heart broken for you and your family, I am so sorry your husband is recieving no support. I can't imaging how irritating and difficult that may be for him and also for you to watch him go through it. My hear aches for you and I am praying for you daily.
ReplyDeletePlease Please Please don't let anyone dictate your family's grief process. Grieving is a very personal and neccesarry in healing. Sending lots of well wishes and hugs your way!
Kassie I hope I didn't offend you. I can be quite opinionated and judgmental, especially when fueled by grief. I would love to hear your story. Truthfully I guess I am jealous...the women on the show didn't have to live in agony everyday worrying about their baby, and in the end they ended up with a healthy one, though I am sure not all stories turn out that way. And those babies were wanted as well, the women just didn't know it until they got them.
DeleteThank you for your prayers. It means a lot to know people are still thinking of us and praying. Yesterday marked one month, and I am just afraid people will eventually forget and move on with their lives when we haven't. To be prayed for is a wonderful gift.
Oh no Amy, you absolutley didn't offend me! I used to be one of the people that would say, "how did you not know?" Until it happened to me.
DeleteI think sometimes what happens is people don't know what to say or how to include such a sensitive subject matter into a conversation, and that can be a really scary thing. I think most people don't know how to talk about it, not that they forgot. I used to have a hard time talking about infant loss and miscarriage because I haven't gone through it. I pray though and I try to reach out to those that are going through trial because I would want someone to do the same for me. I trust the Lord to guide my words and actions when interacting in those hard times.
Please know that there is a family in Anchorage Alaska who prays for your family daily and Kayla will never be forgotten. If you ever need to just have some one listen, I am here.