Thankful

My blog has been very depressing lately, for good reason of course, but I thought I'd try to be more positive today.

For the new readers, a bit of a background.  My grandparents died last summer within three weeks of each other.  I adored them; we've always been close but as my mom's parents, we became even closer when she died almost 9 years ago as they were my link to her and me for them. My grandpa was in the nursing home, trying to get strong enough to go home after his kidneys had begun failing him.  One day I took my grandma to see him as I did once or twice a week, and she was talking about their neighbors baby.

By that point my husband and I had been married for a year and a half, so while they may have suspected, they didn't know we were TTC and of our struggles.  So upon the word baby, my grandpa perked up and said "Baby?  Are we getting a new baby?  I like babies"!  She explained no, that she was talking about the neighbors baby, and they we would try when we were ready....but she hoped it would be while they were still around.

So when they died, I was so sad that they would never see our kids.  As I said in my eulogy for him, my grandpa was a man born to be a grandpa.  He was such a kid himself and he always had so much fun with us when we were little so it really pained me that he would never get to see his great-grandkids As much as I want Kayla here with us, it brings tears to my eyes to think of my grandpa up in Heaven, holding her with a huge smile on his face.

I was sad that my mom would never know her granddaughter and it makes me happy to know that Kayla is surrounded by people who love her in Heaven....my mom, my grandparents, my grandpa, Ryan's Gamma, and Brenda's son. 

I will never ever wish that none of this had happaned.  I wish it would have turned out differently, but I am so thankful for the time that we had with her.  Feeling her kicks, seeing her flip around and suck her thumb on the ultrasound, and finding out she was a girl.  For 22 weeks she brought us so much joy and I am thankful for that.  I am thankful that our friends and family got to hold her and we got to see how many people love her; I am thankful for the outpouring of love and support from complete strangers.  I'm thankful for the humor we were still able to find even in our darkest moments, like nicknaming my IV stand "juicy".  I'd get up to go to the bathroom and my husband would remind me, "don't forget juicy".  At the graveside, my MIL gave me the pink pinwheel she bought to put at Kayla's grave.  The wind began spinning it as we were standing there and I immediately got a small smile on my face, thinking of that stupid pig from the Geico commercials with the pinwheel, weeeee, wee wee weeee!

For a little while I was the happiest, glowing pregnant woman.  For a little while I felt life inside me, I felt her kick and saw my belly jump as she bounced around.  For a little while I held this miracle in my arms that had my nose, lips, and chin; I pour over baby pictures of myself looking for more evidence that she looked like me.  The knowledge that we not only created life but that she bore some of my features means the world to me; proof that she was a part of me.  For a little while I saw my husband become a father, and hold his daughter.  She had the tiniest feet, but she left such a huge print on our hearts that will last forever.

Thank you Kayla, for the little while.