Hope

Saturday Ryan had another 5K so for the first day in a while I had to actually get up early and be somewhere.  I don't know if it was the idea of getting up so early or what but I couldn't sleep at all the night before.  We went to bed around 1 and after laying there for at least an hour I gave up and got up.  I was finally sleepy enough to lay down and sleep for about 30 minutes before we were supposed to get up.

Getting ready to go to the race sucked because the last time we went to one of his 5Ks I was still pregnant.  He is doing another one in October in that same location, but thankfully this one was different.  I am not sure I could go back to that same one just a few weeks later, when I was pregnant than and now I am not.  Hopefully it will be easier to go back there by October.

His frend Dan made everyone those rubber awareness bracelets with Kayla's name on it, he is so nice.  Luckily my brother was running also so I had his girlfriend to talk to while we waited for them, and I spotted my inlaws about 10 minutes before Ryan came in but they were stuck on the other side of the road and the runners were too thick for either of us to cross.  But we all met up afterwards and went to breakfast to celebrate my brother's birthday.

So the day wasn't as bad as it started out, but I was so tired by then so when we were done eating we went home and I took a nap.  I think I slept around 5 hours, I was exhausted, but when I woke up I felt worse than I did before, emotionally.  I don't know if it was the fact that going to the race was hard, or my lack of sleep or since it was Saturday....Saturdays tend to be hard for me because I think about everything that happaned that day.  It was my last happy day being pregnant before our nightmare began.  I must have broke down in tears about 20 times for the rest of the day.

Ryan of course knows why I am crying, but he doesn't understand the "fine one minute then bawling the next".  I don't even understand it....somedays I am ok, actually too ok and then other days all I can do is cry.  My dad called to see if we were going to dinner with them and as soon as I heard his voice I started crying again.  He asked if I was having a hard day and he said that they would happen.  He said part of it might be being off work and not having a routine.  I am so thankful to have this time off work, but I have to agree....I hate the idea of going back, but I do think having a structured day will do me good.

He said he's been going through some of the same thing, he just retired a few months ago and it's hard to adjust.  It's tough to get out of bed when your body knows you don't have to, and it's hard to really do anything when you have all the time in the world to do it.  I can't even seem to make simple decisions....I wanted to go to eat with all of them, but at the very same time it was the last thing I wanted to do.  Then Brenda text me and asked if someone did or said something to upset me, and that they would miss me at dinner.  My dad is really lucky to have found her :)  That was a hard day for her as well, in addition to my brother's birthday, it was also her son's.  Born the exact same day and year....he died about 9 years ago.  So I told her I was thinking of her, and maybe they're all partying in Heaven and she said her son loved babies and was good with them so they were for sure having a good time.

So then Ryan and I tried to decide what to do for dinner since we weren't going with them, and I swear it's so hard just to figure out what to eat.  I never really want to eat meals anymore, I am much better at snacking.  It's not even just junk, I just don't have an appetitie for a meal, nor the desire to cook one.  I just pick here and there.  It's just hard making any kind of decison anymore.

So we ended up getting Applebees, and tried watching Rise of the Guardians but I kept falling asleep so we turned it off.  The next day was better thank God, the sun even peeked out for a little bit  We went and ran some errands together, I got a shadow box to put Kayla's outfit in, and then we went to look at kittens at the pet store and got fajita meat to make for dinner.

Monday Ryan took off work and went with me to my OB appointment.  Since it's a high risk group, it gets more pregnant traffic than an ordinary obgyn office, so it was hard going back there anyway, but then as we were walking back to the exam room I could hear a baby's heartbeat in another room and when the nurse asked me how I was doing I immediately started crying.  The office is located in the hospital too, so that makes it hard.

They were all really great though, the nurse talked to us for a little but before getting down to the business of the appt, she asked what we named her and if we had a funeral.  Then my doctor came in and talked to us some more.  She discussed what would happen in my next pregnancy, she said she highly recommends the cerclage which I would get around 12 weeks, and then starting at 16 weeks I would be coming in every two weeks for an appointment and a cervix check to make sure it is not shortening.  She said she knows it is scary, but that my next pregnancy will be very different.  I asked her how do I not be a crazy lady that calls and wants to come in everyday and she said I might be and that's perfectly ok.  She said I might be emotionally detached, but more than likely I'll need a lot of reassurance and they expect that.

She also cleared me physcally to try again.  She recommends waiting 6 months to a year until we're emotionally ready, but she said she understands some people don't want to wait that long.  I told her I am old, I will be 34 next month and still trying for our first earth baby....she assured me that I am not old.  I know what she means, and of course anyone that is younger than you saying they're old is laughable, but at the same time that I turn 34, it will also mark two years since we started TTC (and also the day I would have started third tri, great) we struggle with infertility, low sex drive because who the hell enjoys sex when you HAVE to do it, an early loss and now a late loss.  I feel old and the idea of waiting six months makes me extremely anxious.

Ryan says he is ready to try now.  I think trying again soon is a good way to do something, instead of sitting around wallowing in our sadness.  It's a step to moving forward...not moving on, but forward.  But it does concern me a little that he is ready right now....I think in a way he just wants to put it behind him and keep going.  I know he loves our daughter and he always will, but I think burying his emotions and moving forward is what he needs to do. I guess it's what he needs to do.

We can't even have sex for another few weeks, they said nothing in there for six weeks while I'm healing.  Since she said technically we could start anytime, I guess that means it's ok, but I am certainly not opposed to waiting a few more weeks.  I hope to be ready by about mid to late May.  I plan to start temping starting next week...I have no idea if I will O on my own or when, but if I do I would like to know it so I have some idea of what is going on.

So, all of the tests on the placenta came back normal, so we really have no answers as to why this happaned.  Which is good and bad...it's bad not to have answers, but at least nothing came back showing something that would negatively affect future pregnancies.  I said so we don't know if it was an infection and she said let me clarify on the infection....they found some ecoli, which most likely came from the rectum since ya know, they're so close.  But she stressed that it wasn't anything I did or didn't do and they don't even know if the ecoli actually played a part.  She said it's a chicken or the egg sceanario, which came first.  It could have been the ecoli, or I could have an incompetent cervix or it could have been a little of both.  But she's pretty confident that more monitoring, a cerclage, and progesterone next time will help.

I was pretty terrified of having an exam while I was there, after everything I went through I could go the rest of my life without anything being shoved up there....plus I was scared I would still be sore.  But thankfully she just did a quick check with her fingers, not the speculum.  Thank God, I hate that thing.  The exam didn't even really hurt.

So she gave me a script for zoloft....actually she gave me one for welbutrin as well and she said she trusts me with two scripts and I could price them out and see which one is more affordable.  I've been on welbutrin twice, the first time it was the brand name, the second time it was generic.  I really didn't feel like the generic did much, so I wanted the brand name this time.  Turns out both brand names were only $40 so I went with the zoloft.  She said she's seen better results with it.  So far though I'm experiencing a lot of side effects....I took my first one last night and a few hours later out of the blue I felt nauseous and dizzy, actually I felt a little drunk.  That feeling pretty much lasted the rest of the night.

This morning, before I even took another pill I still felt a little dizzy though not as much, nauseous again and now today I've had diarrhea.  I'll give it a week or two, hopefully the side effects will go away.  I'm glad to have something though, I know I'll need the help when I go back to work so I don't want to punch people in the face.  I guess I should go get in the shower and accomplish my one goal of showering and getting dressed today.  Ryan and I are going to a support group tonight and I certainly can't go how I am looking right now.