I just miss her

I miss my baby so much right now....I miss feeling her little kicks, I miss my nightly doppler session, hearing her heartbeat and the noises she made flipping around.  I often heard what sounded like a shark swimming by.  My heart is literally hurting, I can feel an ache in my heart and like the weight of the world is crushing me.

I've felt noticeably worse in the last couple of days and I think it is because the days of being with my husband all day are coming to an end.  He goes back to work on Monday and I am absolutely terrified.  I am afraid of being home alone all day, with nothing but my thoughts and my aching heart.  I'm afraid I won't do anything each day, that I'll just sit around in my pajamas and sleep on and off.  But I am also afraid of missing him and my heart hurting for Kayla and for him.  I know that sounds melodramatic, he'll be home each night, but I can already tell I am going to miss him like crazy.  Aside from one night that he went to the gym without me and another night he went out to the bar for a couple of hours, we have been together every minute since I went into labor.

We're not a couple that spends every waking minute together usually, but this past two weeks we have been inseperable and I am so afraid of not being with him all day.  I know I shouldn't let my sadness ruin the next three days we still have, but I don't know how to make the fear go away.  I have some projects I want to try to get done, so hopefully I can keep myself busy.  I have also been having a hard tme with the way he grieves differently.  I know many couples have struggled with this, and I think it's probably why tragedies often split couples up, but I can't help but wonder how I am always two seconds from crying my eyes out, but he seems fine.

I know he is not fine, this isn't like our first loss.  I know he wasn't perfectly fine, but that didn't affect him even slightly as much as it affected me.  But this time, I know he loved our baby and I know he is crushed that she is gone.  The night after she was born, we put her in the crib next to my bed for the night and in addition to the outfit and fleece blanket she was wrapped in, he got a towel to put over her like a blanket as if she would get cold through out the night.  Seeing him standing there at the crib, tending to our sweet little girl just broke my heart, but it also warmed it so much.  There is no feeling in the world better than seeing your husband with your baby, seeing him with his daughter.  And when he would pick her up or hold her, he did it so gently.  I know he is not ok.....my computer is broken so we've been sharing his, so sometimes we leave tabs up that we want to look at later, and he constantly has Billy Joel's Lullabye on youtube up, so I can only imagine he listens to it often, and he posted it on facebook the night of her funeral and said Goodnight my baby Kayla, you'll always be a part of me, I love you.  It's just hard to see him laughing and smiling, and wondering if there is something wrong with me when I cry every day.

Sometimes I feel a little hopeful when I think about getting pregnant again soon, but it also makes me so sad.  People getting BFP's right now are due in December, so that means we're looking at probably February at the absolute earliest and it makes me so fucking angry.  We were supposed to have a baby in 2012, and then 2013 and now we're looking at 2014.  When is it our turn?  The idea of having a March due date scares the shit out of me; even if our baby makes it to term next time which I pray with every part of my soul he or she does, but the idea of anything happening close to the time that Kayla was born is terrifying.  I don't want a winter baby, I even get sad about the idea of having a boy next time....hell even another girl doesn't make me feel the great.  I know those are things I am not supposed to say or feel, and they don't even have anything to do with the actual time of year or the sex of the baby.  I will take a baby born anytime, of either sex....but the thing is, I don't want a winter baby or a fall baby or a spring baby,  I don't want a boy or another girl, because all I want is to still be pregnant, to still be due in July; all I want is Kayla.

Our baby girl was so beautiful....I would have thought that born so early, she would look not quite like a developed baby, or maybe look tired or in pain, but she was perfect....she was breech so aside from some bruising on her face, she was so so pretty.  She had such a peaceful look, her perfect tiny little nose, her tiny little lips and her little pouty chin....I am just so sad that we never got to look into her eyes, or see her smile, or just see her as a lively, 7 or 8 pound healthy baby.  I just want her back and I am so fucking angry that this happaned to us.


Goodnight my angel