Would have been

Today would have been V day.....when we were first told how dialated I was and that if I delivered the baby wouldn't make it, I was so so angry that this had to happen just two weeks before V day.  I felt like it was some cruel sick joke being played on us for it to happen at all, and then the fact that we were so close to V day but not close enough. 

Today is a bittersweet day.  I am not angry anymore at how close we were because I know it very well may not have made a difference.  Sadly, I have heard of babies at 24 weeks, 28 weeks, even 39 weeks born sleeping.  Just because 24 weeks is basically the earliest possible day that a baby can survive outside the womb, it doesn't mean that it will. 

I just read an article about a baby born at 23 weeks 6 days....she was in NICU for about 8 months I think, and it was just touch and go almost the entire time.  The parents were wracked with constant worry and before she was even born they had the impossible decision to make as to whether or not they should even try given the dozens of complications that could arise.

That is not to say that we would not have wanted her, or it would have been too much of a struggle to even try because I would have done anything for our little girl.  But I am thankful we didn't have to make that decision, and it kills me to know that our baby could have had to grow up with severe mental or physical disabilities because we weren't strong enough to let her go when she should have been. 

But this day is sad because if I were still pregnant, it would be a day of celebration.  Another milestone to cross off, another point that might help us breathe a little easier as we got closer to 40 weeks.  Friday was my favorite day, aside from the obvious reasons, but because it started my new pregnancy week.  In addition to feeling kicks and hearing her heartbeat, it was my favorite thing to do.  When I got home on Fridays I would write the new week number on the calendar, and check off another day in my pregnancy journal and I was always excited to read what new thing was going on with her. 

I was happy when I could flip my calendar to April so I didn't still have to see the weeks written on each Friday...but it also made me sad because I was still pregnant with her in March and I was afraid to leave the month behind.