Double dose

Emily apparently got a double dose of toddler today.  Whew!  It started with her doing something to get put in time-out, I forget what, and she peed on the couch.  She doesn't do it often, but she "rage pees" as I like to call it.  It's like the bodily fluids equivalent of holding your breath to get your way.  Our poor couch has been peed on so many times (haha, I guess we should reconsider where her time out spot is....perhaps a chair in the kitchen.  A wooden chair and ceramic tile is so much more conducive to cleaning up pee).

She was pretty good for the rest of the afternoon, and then I put her down for a nap.  Once she was asleep I got started on my shredding I had to do with my work files.  My filing cabinet was pretty full and I actually had time to do it today.  I was watching her on the monitor to make sure it didn't wake her up, but it never had in the past.  But then....she woke up!  Crap!  She had only been asleep for half an hour or less.  Sometimes if she wakes early like that she'll go right back to sleep, but nope.  After 5 or 10 minutes I could tell she wasn't going back to sleep, and I still had more shredding to do so I went in and got her.

She was good the rest of the afternoon, we dyed Easter eggs and she was very good about not touching the water or the glasses it was in since it was very hot water.  Then around 6, which I call Emily cranky o'clock, the terrible three's set in.  I was trying to get my office straightened up and she decided to bring all of the throw pillows in from the couch.  My office is small enough, I didn't need all this crap in there when I was trying to clean.  Then she tried grabbing the binder clip that keeps my phone charger from falling through the hole-thing in my desk.  I told her no three times and she was still trying to grab it, so I sent her to time out.  I heard her go in the living room and tell daddy, "mommy said no time out".  My husband was like um, ok.

Finally I yelled out to him that I sent her out there to go time out.  So he said to her, she did tell you to get in time out, so go.  So that kicked off a good 15 minutes of crying in time out.  Then she kept singing and talking way too loudly while we were trying to watch TV.  Oh, and earlier when I was cleaning my office, she came in to say, momma I peed.  It wasn't rage pee, but she peed on her bedroom floor.  I had just taken her to the potty not long before that, so I was annoyed that she had to go again and didn't tell us.  Most of the time she is so good, but then every once in a while I guess she gets too into what she is doing to stop and pee.

So after dinner I told her she had to pick up her toys tonight.  I know part of it is our fault because we are not consistent and don't make her clean up every night.  I just lose track of time, and before I know it we've barely finished dinner and it's already time for bed.  If I am going to get her tucked in and stories read and everything and get done in time to start working by 9 or 9:30, most nights we don't think to have her pick up her toys until it is bedtime right now, and we don't have time for the Sloth on Ambien to take an hour to pick up 10 things.  So, it doesn't get done, the living room always looks like a landfill, and she doesn't want to pick up her toys the few times we ask her to.

I tried to offer incentive....I gave her 15 minutes to get it cleaned up, and whatever time was left, she could play on my phone.  So if she got it done quickly, she'd have at least 10 minutes to play.  If she took too long, she got no time.  This has worked in the past, but tonight she wasn't having it.  She refused to even try picking them up, and kept telling me to do it.  I kept telling her she wouldn't get any time to play on my phone, and if she didn't do what I said, she wouldn't get bedtime stories either.  I felt bad about taking that away, last night we got home late from Grammy's and she hadn't had a nap, and I needed to work so I told her we were going to skip stories, and the next night not only would she get extra stories, but I would lay down with her for a while.  She always wants me to lay with her and sing to her, but most nights I can't because I have to work, so I said I would tonight since I don't work on Friday nights.

But, I just couldn't give her EXTRA stories and lay down with her like she likes, after she deliberately refused to do what she was told.  It would just feel like way too much of a reward for misbehaving.  So of course as soon as I told her to get to bed, she started crying and begged to play on my phone.  Then she asked, pick up toys?  I said no, you missed your chance.  I don't want her to think she can refuse to do what I say, and then still get the opportunity to behave and do what she is supposed to when I already told her she missed her chance and took away something good.  If I do that, she'll never do things the first time I ask her.  She did cry some when I tucked her in because of it all, but she actually took it pretty well.  Most of the time, even on a good night I'll say goodnight and she'll smile and say goodnight and I say I love you and she says I wuv you and I say sweet dreams and she tells me to have sweet dreams.  The second the door clicks closed, she starts wailing and crying.

This has been going on for about 2 or 3 months now.  I can tell when it's a serious cry and she needs something, and when she just doesn't want to go to bed.  Like when I put her down for nap, she insisted on taking her pillow case off her pillow and putting it on her legs like she was a mermaid.  I tucked her in, closed the door, and whaaaa.  But after a few minutes I could tell it was something more, so I went back in.  She decided she did not want to wear her pillow case, and wanted it back on her pillow.  But tonight, aside from a few tears when I told her no stories tonight, she did really well.  No crying or yelling once I closed the door.  I thought maybe it was because she was so tired and that she'd fall asleep quickly, but she was still awake for about an hour before she fell asleep.  Maybe she realized she deserved no stories and decided to take it easy on me tonight.  Haha, yeah right.

Tomorrow when she gets up from her nap we're going to take her to Baba's house for a sleepover.  We want to put a bathroom in the basement, and our first step is to get plumbers over to give us a quote for digging the shower, sink, and toilet lines, but the area that will be the bathroom is full of stuff.  Lately she loves coming downstairs with me to do laundry and scoop the litterbox, so I am sure she would want to be down there while we cleaned.  It's not an area I want her spending too much time in, there is stuff everywhere and I don't want her to come across something she shouldn't like a tool, or run into some furniture that's sticking out in her way.  Plus it will just be easier to clean without her underfoot.  So then we get a nice quiet evening and Baba and Grammy get the whole afternoon and night with her.  Then we'll go over there Sunday for Easter dinner.  I was a little bummed when I realized she won't be home to wake up and get her easter basket Sunday morning, but it's not as big of a deal as Christmas.  She can look for it when she gets home.  I think the easter bunny is going to hide it this year and make her play hot and cold to look for it.

So, after a few weeks of thinking about it, I've decided no on another baby.  I got all excited for a little bit at the idea of it, but in reality, there are still a million circumstances that would make another pregnancy and baby very difficult.  I know my friend loves her two boys to the moon and back, but she was very blunt with me, and said two is definitely a lot of work.  I am glad she was so honest, because most people say, yeah two is harder, but it's so fun to see them together and you get used to it and you'll be fine, just do it.  There are some days I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water with just one, plus the dog (whose like a damn baby herself) the house, work, and trying to be active and sometimes do things just for fun.  I am sure people with 3 or more kids would laugh at me, but maybe some people are just better suited with one child.  In a perfect world, another child would be nice.  But I don't NEED another child.  I needed A child.  I couldn't imagine my life without getting a tke home baby.  And I got that with Emily.  She is more than enough for me.  Is a part of me sad that I was dealt the hand I was and ended up with only one living child?  Yeah.  But there are definitely worse things than only having one sweet, precious, adorable child who gives hugs and will just randomly come up to me and say I wuv you mommy.  I'll be ok.  

Someone just decide for me!

So I was working last night, and in his downtime my husband often FB messages me from work.  So we were talking and out of the blue he says, wanna make a baby?  And I was like....

So I was like haha, no.  I said the one we have now drives us crazy enough, and he said that's why we have another, to balance it out.  I said how I wish we could, in a perfect world....and how Emily is at the age where I would have liked her to be if we had another.  I think 4 years is good because the oldest is out of diapers, if they're still in their terrible three's, you've at least had a year to grow accustomed to them.  They're old enough to be more independent so you can focus more on the baby, their old enough to hopefully understand that they're not being replaced and why mommy can't spend every second with them anymore, and they're old enough to help you with things.  My brother and I are four years apart and I always thought it was good.  He was a protective older brother, but we had our own things.  We didn't share friends, which can be good and can be bad, but in our case I think it was good.  We barely even went to school together, the last time we went to school together I was in the second grade and he was in sixth.  I'm not sure how I would have felt about him and I being in high school together at the same time, but I will say as it was, I didn't mind that he wasn't there.

We did go through a stage where I was still a kid and he was entering his teen years so he didn't have time for his pesky sister anymore, but as adults, our 4 year age gap is nothing.  Plus I think it just gives parents a chance to enjoy their kids stages one at a time.  When your oldest is 2ish, they're still such a baby themselves, and then this new baby comes along.  You often have to evict them from their crib so the new baby can use it, and it likely brings up feelings of being abandoned or replaced.  Emily will long since be out of her crib by the time another arrived.

So then I said how I am old, and so high risk and he said how he will eat whatever I eat the entire pregnancy (since I've had GD twice, and likely would again).  I asked if he was serious, and he said it's now or never.  I thought we were both sold on the never part.  We have a urologist picked out, we had planned to go ahead with the vasectomy sometime within this year.  Aside from the occasional pangs, I had been set on no more for at least a year now.  I was shocked that he was talking about this.  He told me to give it some serious thought for a few days.  So now I am back at square one.

I wouldn't have another baby just because he wants one, but as we were talking about it last night, I'll admit, I got a little excited about the idea of another baby.  I got excited about the idea of decorating a room, and picking out new baby things, and getting to use our boy or girl name that we never used and having baby snuggles again.  I woke up this morning feeling less enthused, but I have to say, I am still thinking about it and completely torn.  In some ways it would be really nice to try for another.  Just today Emily was watching the video from the balloons we released last week for Kayla's birthday, and while watching it she said, happy birthday Kayla!  It was the first time she really clearly said Kayla instead of Keya.  She is becoming much more aware of the fact that she has a sister, and that we celebrate her birthday.  It makes me so sad that her sister isn't here to play with.  I still don't think she NEEDS a living sibling.  I've said many times before that giving your child a sibling doesn't always work out.  Sometimes that sibling dies, either as a child or later in life, so the idea of having someone once your parents pass doesn't always work out.  Sometimes siblings hate each other and have no relationship later in life, so a lifelong friend isn't always a result.  So I don't think she needs a sibling, but I do think it would be nice for her to have someone else.

Right now she and I are so close, and I hope and pray we can be that mother-daughter duo that defies the odds and don't have a horrible relationship when she's a teen.  But I do sometimes worry about her being around mostly adults all the time.  I worry about the family dynamic as she gets older.  Are we going to annoy the crap out of her when she's older because we still want it to be the three of us, the "three muskateers" when she wants to go off with her friends and not hang out with mom and dad?  Are we going to fall to pieces when she moves out one day and becomes an adult?  Before we became a family of 3, I always felt like only children households were strange, because the parents kind of depend on the kid to be the buffer.  That's not to say Ryan and I won't enjoy spending time together just the two of us once she's grown, but I feel like it's too easy for parents of only children to feel like the sun rises and sets on their only child, and maybe doesn't always have the healthiest level of dependecy on them.  It's so hard to say now at her age, but that's what I always thought of when I thought about having an only child.

If we're being annoying, or when we fall from grace and we no longer know everything, and we're no longer superheros in her eyes, it would be kind of nice for her to have a sibling to talk to, relate to, to share things with....or just to rant to about what dorky parents they have and how we don't understand them.  As far as the fear of another loss goes....I don't know.  I think I could handle an early loss.  Like right this minute, the fear of another loss isn't necessarily stopping me from having another kid.  All this time I thought it was, and maybe it was for a long time, but it's been 4 years since we lost Kayla.  Maybe some of that raw grief has finally scabbed over enough.  I know a later loss would of course still be crushing, but when we lost Kayla, we lost all of our hopes and dreams.  I had no idea if it meant we would never bring home a baby, but what I did know was it took forever to get pregnant both times, we lost both pregnancies we did have, and I was in my early 30's, not knowing if I would ever get to bring a baby home.

Her loss was two fold...it was losing HER, and it was losing our hope of having a baby.  Whereas if we had another later loss, we would of course grieve for that baby, but I think I could say ok, we tried and it didn't work out.  But we're still so greatful to have Emily.  And, I guess after going through the loss that we did, it kind of showed me that if I could make it through that, I can make it through anything.  To a degree....I don't even want to imagine something happening to Emily.  But then again, I say all this now, when there is no baby and I don't know the sex and I haven't felt it kicking me and seen it's little profile on the ultrasound.  But still, I do think another loss would be ever so slightly easier now, than before.  At the very least, I would know what to expect as I would be going down a road I've already traveled.

I am still very nervous about my age, and the risks.  But, I know plenty of women who have had babies in their mid to late 30's, these days it isn't nearly as taboo or risky as it was decades ago.  Hell, decades ago it would have been a bit out of the norm to have a baby when I had Emily at 34 but now I am in good company of women who didn't start their families until their 30's.  And, younger women are not exempt from health risks, and birth defects, and multiple births, so I do realize that my age doesn't mean for certain that any of those things would happen.  I guess the main things that are holding me back now are 1) I thought we were settled on no more kids.  I had nestled into a spot of being content with just one living child, and now that idea has been turned upside down.  2) My job is an issue.  My co-worker has 4 kids, and one of them is just barely a year old, so a year ago she was dealing with work, three kids and a newborn.  It's twice as many kids as I would have, but she does only work 10 hours a week.  It's still a lot with four kids at home (not sure if any are in school or not) but at least with 10 hours, you can just do two hours a day, 5 days a week.  If one or two of her kids are in school, she can work when the others nap.  

But, working 20 hours at home is still easier than working 40 outside the home, and plenty of people do that and have more than one kid.  Emily already goes to her Nana's once a week, if I had another baby I am sure my dad would be willing to take them another day a week.  Hell, he pretty much takes Emily anytime he can when he is home and not up north, he took her twice this week.  There is the issue of my office...our only other bedroom is my office, and working from home, a dedicated office space is pretty important.  But like Ryan said, that gives us about a year to get the basement finished, and while it's not in the plans right now, I guess I could put my office down there.  I have the whole other bedroom for my office, but my actual work stuff only takes up one corner, so it wouldn't be too hard to put an office downstairs.  I would definitely need to take some time off after the baby is born, but probably not more than a few weeks to a month, since ya know, I do work from home.  But I really only work when Emily is not home, napping, or once she's gone to bed.  I guess working 20 hours a week with two kids wouldn't be THAT different from working 20 hours with one kid.  It would just mean trying to sync up their naps, and working after they're both in bed.  Emily slept very nicely in the evening in my mini snoogle on the couch while I watched TV.  If this baby were a decent sleeper, I guess I could always just have her in a swing in the early months, swinging away in my office with me, sleeping while I work.

I do worry about the chaos level.  My friends that have two kids, it seems like they're just playing referee all day long.  When their not yelling at this one, the other one is getting into trouble.  I just think of the Grinch talking about how much noise noise noise noise there will be.  But, I had that same fear before Emily was born.  When it was just the two of us, everything was quiet.  I would often be upstairs in the evening, either watching TV or reading and everything was quiet, I usually had a cat on my lap.  We could come and go as we pleased....we would go out to eat when we wanted, go to the movies when we wanted.  I worried that our carefree life would be wildly different once Em came.  But, for the most part, not much changed.  She was such a good baby, she was like a potted plant, we could take her anywhere and she barely made a peep.  Our evenings we're often still quiet as she slept soundly next to me on the couch, and then in her crib once I took her in there for the night.  

We still go pretty much whereever we want, Emily is still really good out in public, we go to the movies when she is at Nana's on wednesdays, or someone watches her for the night while we go out for a date night.  Even when the house is crazy and noisy, the dog is running around, I am tripping over toys and Emily is screeching and stomping....it's our new normal.  It feels like it has always been this way.  I can't imagine life being just the two of us anymore, so I am probably being silly about how much crazier the house would be with another kid.  I mean, we're talking about just one more, not 5 more.  Hopefully one more anyway, the idea of twins scaaaares me.  I used to freak out about the idea of going places by myself with two, but Emily is so good, she is not a runner at all.  She stays by my side, and often wants to hold my hand, so at least I wouldn't have to deal with getting the baby out of the car and then worrying about where Emily is running off to.

I do get excited a little when I think of another baby....thinking about maybe we would get a boy this time.  Honestly it doesn't matter.  A boy would be cool and different.  But another girl would be a-ok by me.  We already have all girl stuff, and for Emily to have a little sister that she could play with would be so precious.  I guess if I was leaning one way a little more, I would absolutely love another girl.  But I am sure part of that is just due to being a girl mom; the idea of having a boy seems so foreign and unfamiliar.  I know we never got to parent Kayla, but from the moment we found out she was a girl, I thought about girl stuff, we did her registry with cute little girl nursery items and pink clothes, and in my heart, I don't have a living daughter and one in heaven, I have two daughters.  So the idea of switching over to team blue is a little frightening, but I certainly wouldn't be upset if we had a boy.  I am sure it's the same for boy moms, they maybe can't imagine having a girl.

I do worry about my weight....I've been doing pretty good lately, sticking to healthy eating.  I've only lost 5 pounds so far, but it's something.  You cannot lose 10 or 20 or 30 without losing that first 5.  So I fear a pregnancy would once again stall that out.  Because of my GD diet, and throwing up so much, I was at a 10lb deficit almost my entire pregnancy with Emily.  The last month I gained that 10 back, so the day I delivered I was the same weight I was when I got pregnant.  But I highly doubt they would be ok with me losing a large amount of weight, like 20+ pounds when pregnant.  

But...after I had Emily, I lost 30 pounds that first two weeks post partum.  Between pumping and just not really eating, the weight fell off...but once I started eating again more regularly, the weight quickly came back because I wasn't eating healthy.  But if we did have another, and that drastic weightloss happaned again, I could try to use that as a head start to keep it going.  Knowing what to expect this time, I could make sure I have plenty of healthy snacks in the house, maybe make a bunch of freezer meals that last month so I can make easy dinners in the beginning.  And, if we did try again, who knows how long it could take.  It could take a while and I can continue to work towards losing more weight in the meantime.  

I don't know, breaking down all of my worries and reasons for not having another does make it seem a lot less scary.  And no matter what, once another baby is here, I would never regret having him or her.  Despite Emily being a very good kid, there are days where she is very very very bad.  But even on those days I have never once thought man, I so wish I hadn't had kids.  No, I just look forward to bedtime, and hope tomorrow is better.  There are no amount of tantrums that a simple, I love you mommy, cannot fix.  When I hear her little voice, and she says sweet stuff like that, or comes running into my arms crying because she has a boo boo, there is just nothing like it.  

I am on the second week of this pill pack.  Maybe I will finish this pack, and then see where we're at.  Maybe we could try till the end of the year, and if it happens, cool, but if not, then that's cool too.  We'll see.  

Birthdays in Heaven

Today (the 24th, it's after midnight) would have been my angel's 4th birthday.  It was a beautiful day, unseasonably warm (a little too warm, almost 80) and sunny.  Very strange for March, especially since last Saturday Ryan spent a long time shoveling snow before Emmy's party.

Emily and I went out on a little afternoon date while daddy was sleeping.  We had lunch at McDonalds and then we went to Meijer.  I know, fun right?  But any time spent with her is fun, especially when it's just us girls.  I usually do my shopping at Target, but I had a crapload of cans to return (because I am lazy and get my groceries delivered, so the cans tend to stack up) so I returned them and then got some money off our purchases.

I got sidetracked in the wall art section.  I LOVE wall art.  I seriously have run out of walls in my house to hang stuff.  I love quotes, pictures, pictures with quotes, you name it.  If it hangs on the wall, or sits on a shelf and does absolutely nothing, I want to give my money to someone for it.  It's an obsession.  I found this adorable light up "box" I guess you would call it, I think it sits on a shelf, and it says Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on one side and something else on the other but I forget what.  It would make a very nice nightlight for Em.  She already has two (three if you count the Frozen nightlight that is currently out of batteries) but it's so cute, and she loves that song.  A few months ago she didn't know the words so she would sing "Tingo star, how me do".

But alas, I didn't get it.  Maybe some day when I have money I don't know what to do with I'll go get it.  While I was there I decided to check my blood pressure at the little self service thingie they have.  Yes, I.am.officially.old.  How do you know you're old?  When you start complaining about the damp weather, and you take your (free) blood pressure at Meijers (and add an S to names like Meijer).  My BP is normally very good, but I am currently on a med that can raise it, so I wanted to check.  Today it was high.  I am not sure if it contributes at all, but since it was warm I was sweaty and kind of running around doing errands...I can't seem to do anything at a leisurely pace.  I always feel like I am rushing, even when I don't have to, and it's the first day of my period, I thought maybe it could have contributed to the high reading.  I don't know.

But since I am on this med and should check it fairly often, Ryan suggested we just buy an at-home one.  And cause ya know, we're old.  So we did, thank you Amazon, $29.99, it'll be here Sunday.  Oh, and I also had a low blood sugar episode earlier.  I've been having them more and more often, but according to my latest blood tests, I am still just pre-diabetic.  But I see my endocrinologist in a couple weeks so I want to be re-tested.  It sounds messed up, but in some ways I wish I would just get it already so I can properly treat it.  Mentally, I don't think I can take as good of care of myself if I am just pre, but if I get the official diagnosis, then I will get serious.  I was very good about it when I had it in pregnancy.

I just looked it up because I am not real sure what different readings mean, but it says you should consider yourself to be having a hypoglycemic episode if your bloodsugar is 80 mg/dl or lower, or it's 90 or lower AND you're having symptoms.  I didn't test my BS today because we were on the way out the door, but I did the other day when I felt it and it was 80.  So, 80 plus symptoms is probably not good.  So today I grabbed an orange juice on the way out the door and sipped it on the way to lunch, which made me feel instantly better, but not great.  Lunch helped a lot, but for the next few hours I still felt a little off (yeah ok, McDonalds isn't the best choice I know).  When I checked my BP it said my heart rate was 114, which is way higher than it should be for just walking around a store.

Anyway, that's my little Meijer story.  I'm anxious to check my BP again on Sunday when I am not having a hypoglycemic episode.  Once we got home we got ready to go to the cemetery.  We stopped and got some balloons and took Kayla her stuffed animal we got her and a card.  We originally had gotten her one of those small stuffed animals with the huge eyes, but Emily saw it in Kayla's stocking at Christmas and said kitty? in just the cutest voice ever, so I let her play with it but I told her it was Kayla's and she could take care of it until spring.  Well of course she fell in love with it.  Today she asked if we were taking it, and I said no, and she kind of objected, but I noticed she didn't say anything about it when I put the stuffed rabbit at her grave that I picked up at the store the other day.  Lesson learned, don't let Emmy have the stuffed animal we buy for Kayla until we have retired it in the fall.

Their Nana and Papa had been out a few days prior and left a huge pinwheel.  The thing is enormous, I love it.  It's taller than Em.  So we put the stuffed animal and card out, and then we walked out into the clearing to release the balloons.  Emmy kept saying, happy birthday Keya.  It was so cute and sad all at once.  We had a fourth one in case we lost or broke one, so we were going to tie it to the pinwheel but decided it would get all caught up in it, so Ryan took Emmy back out to the clearing to release that one too.  The breeze must have been lower at that point because they released it, it skimmed through the sky much much lower than the others, got caught in the tree and then we heard, pop!  Oops, luckily Em didn't notice.  After that we went to dinner, but had to cut it short because Emily didn't have a nap and was melting down.  So we packed up the food and went home.

It was a nice day.  I didn't really cry.  I got a little choked up picking which quote to put on facebook along with my happy birthday message.  I went a bit kooky this year.  I usually say something short and simple, like happy birthday to our angel in Heaven.  But being that it has been 4 years, and we have Emily, I always worry she will begin to be forgotten as time goes on....or people will think we're "over it" because we have Emmy.  So I wanted people to know that we DO have 2 daughters, and that she is very missed, and while Em certainly did brighten our lives and help lift us out of our grieve, she does not in any way replace Kayla, or mean we are over it and we're fine.  I want people to know that I think of her EVERY SINGLE DAY, and that I miss her and love her, just like other people love all of their living children individually and seperate from all of their other children.  It got a lot of likes, and a few nice comments, so I am happy.  I'm happy I said it, and so now people know.  And if they don't, then that's their issue.

Last night it wasn't until 10pm that I realized today was the only day to remember.  In past years I relived the night before, thinking about where we were at one time, thinking about what time we headed for the hospital, thinking about when we got the news.  So I would say it's probably progress that I didn't even think about that stuff until 10pm.  I thought about it off and on through out the night, but I didn't dwell on it like most years.  I didn't wake up with a heavy chest.  The anniversaries are getting easier.

I do miss her though, and I wonder who she would have been.  I imagine her and Emily playing together.  If she were alive, we would be researching pre-schools to send her to in the fall, and freaking out over it being the last year before she starts kindergarten.  Ryan and I differ in our beliefs.  He has more spiritual beliefs, thinking that a person's soul is meant to be born and will be born, no matter when or where.  For example, I say that had Kayla lived, Emily would not be here.  Because had she been born when she was and survived, there is no way I would have been ready or even remotely thinking about getting pregnant again any time soon.  Born at 22 weeks, she likely wouldn't even have been released from NICU until very close to her due date of July 26th, and I found out I was pregnant with Emily on July 4th.

I don't think anyone goes through this horribly scary experience of having a 22 weeker in the NICU and just when you bring them home think, now is a good time to get pregnant again.  And if she hadn't been born until her due date, then I of course could not and would not have been pregnant with another baby three weeks before Kayla was due.  I believe in the very science of it all.  If we had had sex at any other time, even an hour earlier or before, it would have been a different sperm, it would not have been Emily.  Where as I think Ryan believes that Emily's soul was destined to be born to us, so had we not gotten pregnant with her when we did, if Kayla had survived and we decided to have another baby in day two years, he believes that we would have then still gotten pregnant with Emily.

It's a nice thought, and I am spiritual and religious when it comes to many things.  But that is not one of them.  I believe that each sperm and each egg combines to make a different person each time.  So, while I personally believe that Kayla and Emily could never be alive together, at the same time, it's still a nice thought to think of them together, and to yearn to have both of my girls together at once.  Being here without Kayla sucks, but the idea of dying anytime soon and seeing her again, would mean leaving Emily.  It's like a bad suspense movie where some unknown force says you can have either one of your daughters, but you cannot have them both at the same time.

So, that was our day.  Happy Birthday Kayla.  Mommy loves you so much!  

The big 3

Today is my baby doll's birthday, she turned 3 today.  It is incomprehensible how quickly the time goes by.  Literally just yesterday we were meeting her in the hospital, and now she is a little person with ideas, and a sense of humor, and likes and dislikes, opinons, sass, and sweetness.  I'm amazed every day how much love I feel for this little girl.  She is the light of my life.

Most days I am ok, but more often than I would like, I get scared.  I love her so much and the idea of something happening to her just scares the ever-living crap out of me.  Lately at night I have been laying down with her for a bit after reading stories and I sing to her, or we sing together.  I study her face, I see the light in her eyes, and never will I get enough hugs and kisses.  And the fear of that ever going away just frightens me to the core.  Motherhood is so amazing, I would never ever trade it for the world, but sometimes it is just so damn scary to love another being as much as I love her.  I don't know if it's because we lost our first, or because I've experienced quite a bit of loss in my life, or if it is just regular parent worries that I would feel no matter what, but sometimes I feel like I am already in pain and grieving her loss, even when she is right in front of me, talking and laughing and smiling.  The anxiety of losing her sometimes seems just as bad as if I were to lose her.

But, this is a happy post, so I will quit dwelling on the what ifs, and just talk about the fantastic weekend we had.  We started her birthday bash with a trip to the aquarium on Friday.  We took her there on her first birthday too, but let's be honest, that was more for me.  I love aquariums and it had just opened, and Michigan kind of has a shortage of aquariums, so I used her first birthday as an excuse to go.  She was too little last time.  I am sure she didn't hate it, but she didn't really know what we were doing or why we were there.  This time she loved it.  We decided to go on Friday since we figured it would be less busy than today, and it was.  There was usually only one or two other families around us, and sometimes none at all so it was a very nice visit, we could take our time at each exhibit and she loved looking at all the different fish.  I also love that she is amazed with sharks just like I am.  I'm hoping that can be an interest and passion that we both share...but hopefully she won't be as scared of them as I am.  I'm talking, "can freak myself out if I am alone in a pool" scared.

Once we got through, she tried to play on the equipment at the end.  It's like the playground at McDonald's, it's got theses big "steps" that you have to climb up and it's all enclosed in netting and there are catwalks and a slide.  But just like at McDonalds, the steps get further apart the higher you go, so both places she could only get to the third step.  She could have made it up that if she really tried, but if the next step was even bigger as I suspect it was, she would have been stopped there anyway.  I suspect it is to weed out the kids that might be too little or scared to do what they need to do, so that kids that are too little can't go very high, and so that the scared/too small ones can't get to the very top and then be too scared to get down.

So then we went to the gift shop and she picked out a Destiny stuffie from Finding Dory.  When we went to the aqaurium in Vegas when I was pregnant with her, we still hadn't decided on a nursery theme yet and while in the gift shop I suggested an under the sea theme, which Ryan loved at first, but he said he wanted it to be realistic, not cutesy with pink crabs and purple sharks.  I thought realistic for a baby's room was weird, so we nixed it.  But as it turns out, it would have been the perfect theme for her, the girl is nuts about fish (but I still would have wanted the cutesy version).  Last time after the aquarium we had lunch at The Rainforest Cafe, but Ryan really wanted to try Joe's Crab Shack, and there aren't any around us.  It turned out to be a good choice...good food, and there was a huge shark hanging from the ceiling, and they brought a little toy shark with the food.  He is supposed to go on a drink called the shark bite, but the waiter said it's a really strong drink, and I really didn't want to get drunk or tipsy so I passed on it, but he brought me a shark anyway, which now belongs to Em apparently, lol.

We got home in late afternoon, and then just relaxed for a bit until it was time to leave for my dad's for dinner; he made corned beef and cabbage for St. Patty's day.  I hate St. Patty's day....even back when we went to the bar often, I hated it.  The bar's are too crowded with stupid drunks, places charge cover, and I'm sorry but green beer just looks nasty.  Ryan used to drag me out for St. Patty's when we were younger and first dating.  Thank God we're getting too old for that, and even when he has insisted we go out, the last 5 years we've been going to places that are also restaurants, just to drink and have corned beef.  So spending the evening with all my family was the perfect way to celebrate.

In fact, I hate St. Patty's so much, that's why I specifically chose March 18th to be induced because I didn't want to risk Emily being born on St. Patty's.  Turns out that wouldn't have been a problem since she didn't come that first day anyway, but still.  However, Friday was also our dog's biurthday.  Or at least it's the day I picked, because it was roughly 9 weeks back from when we got her, and it's an easy day to remember.  I can remember my kids' birthdays, but for pets I need an easy day to remember.  She's 2 now, so becoming a calmer dog more and more.  She still goes nuts, but for as high energy as she is, she also does sleep A LOT....which is why she has so much energy I guess.  She's like a cheetah, she has short, but super energized bursts, then she has to sleep for hours.  Lately I've been letting her come to bed with me (I know, I never thought I would let a dog in my bed) and she sleeps the entire night with me.  Doesn't get up until I do in the morning.  So, Happy Birthday Nalah!

We got home way too late on Friday.  I still had a lot to do around the house for her party, but she needed a bath and I figured it would be easier to take one at Baba's, than to take one once we were home and possibly having fallen asleep on the way.  So we didn't get home until after 11.  So I put her down, and got to work on her cake pops.  Her party theme was little mermaid, so I made these adorable cake pops with dinglehoppers (forks) stuck in them.  So first I had to make the cake pops, then dip the forks in the melted white chocolate and stick them in.  Then they had to freeze for 10 minutes, then I could dip the whole thing in to coat, and then I had to decorate them.  But once the chocolate hardened it was hard to make the decorations stick unless I used more chocolate as glue, so I'd have to stop every third one or so and decorate them before they hardened, which was little chocolate seashells and tiny sugar pearls.  So yeah, very painstaking to decorate them all.  Thankfully I had molded the seashells a few days before.  That was a pain too.  I had  planned on just adding food coloring to the liquid chocolate and then pouring them into the molds.  But apparently, the second you add food coloring to the chocolate, it turns into a big sticky ball.  Microwaving it some more didn't help either.

So then I tried pouring some food coloring into the molds and then putting the chocolate in, that was a disaster, and I tried "painting" the food coloring on afterward, but it looked like when you try to paint laminate with water colors.  I had a bottle of color mist in silver to coat the whole cake pop afterward to make them look pearl-esque, so I tried spraying that on the chocolate shells and voila, it colored them nicely.  So I sent Ryan pictures of what I needed and he stopped at the store on his way home from work the next day to get some blue and purple spray so I successfully had a bunch of blue and purple seashells and sand dollars.  So once I finally got all the cake pops decorated, I sprayed them all with the silver mist, which looked gorgeous but I swear that shit will give me cancer.  I always felt a bit sick and lighheaded after spraying it.  Here party guests, have some cancer on a stick!

The only plus side to our power being out for a few days last week and having to toss almost everything in our fridge and freezer, is that we now had room for all the cake pops.  I figured I needed about 45, and the one box of cake mix made about 75.  So for future cake pop makers, one box of mix is more than enough (if you want less than 75).  I bought three boxes, so I guess I'll have to make cakes in the next year.  So it was now 4:30 in the morning and I was exhausted.  My once clean kitchen that I spent several hours the day before cleaning, was now a mess, I still had other things to do and I needed to sleep.  So I went to bed until 9.  When I went into get Em, she was crying and wanted me to lay down with her.  So I did, and I swear I thought it was 15 minutes, but we must have fallen back to sleep because it was now 10.  I had a ton to do, still had to shower and our guests would be here at 1.  So I ran around the house like a nut, cleaning up the cake pop stuff, cleaning the bathroom, dusting the living room furniture, mopping floors, and vacumming.  Just once I would love to successfully get a little done each day, and just be able to take my time the day of.  I even had a schedule of things to get done each day, and I thought I stuck to it pretty well and hadn't left much to do on Saturday, but apparently I was wrong.

I didn't get out of the shower until 20 to 1, Emily was still in her pj's and I had no idea what to wear.  I would have liked to have done my hair and make up, but I went bare faced and had my wet hair up in a bun.  Oh well.  I was literally getting Emmy dressed as my friend and her boys arrived, and then I had to french braid her pigtails.  I was amazed, she normally doesn't like having her hair done, and as guests were arriving, she actually sat very nicely and let me do it, and it looked so cute.  I got her a sleeveless black dress, with a tulle skirt that said #Princess on the front.

The party was good, we served mac and cheese and hot dogs, and my MIL brought salad.  The food was simple, but it was still a lot of work to make 6 boxes of mac and cheese (we had way too much, but too much is better than not enough) and I also put chili in the crock pot for the hot dogs while Ryan grilled.  Once people had got some food, I made a plate and sat down.  It was like heaven.  I had been on my feet all morning and I hadn't eaten anything yet that day, so my hot dog and mac and cheese tasted like filet mignon.  She got a lot of nice presents; a few Pete the cat books, the Pete game, and Pete the cat and his groovy buttons puppet.  A toy cash register, some clothes, a troll coloring book and puzzle, a my little pony doll, and a black and decker tool bench.  I actually want to play with them all.

The cake pops were a success.  I was amazed that they turned out nice looking AND they even tasted good.  The silver plastic forks were a hit with all the kids.  We had ice cream too.  Last year I bought ice cream but forgot to serve it with the cupcakes....so proud that I remembered this year, but later that night realized I forgot to put out the chips I had bought.  Oye!

The party was so great, and I was so happy to just relax and be lazy that evening.  Emily was having fun playing with her new toys and I somehow had enough energy to get the dishes in the dishwasher and clean up from the party.  The living room got a little nuts today, but it shouldn't take much to get it back in order tomorrow.  After everything we host, I am always determined to keep the house clean and clutter-free after being clean for company.  I will succeed this time....I hope.

Last night I went in and took my usual picture of her, in her last hours as a 2 year old.  I was a little hung up on the fact that I forgot and didn't take the pic till 2 am, so it was technically already her birthday.  But she wasn't born until 12 hours later, so I'll give myself a pass (yes I know I am nuts).  Before I went to bed, I put streamers across her door from the outside and then tucked balloons between the door and streamers.  I saw it on facebook and thought it was cute.  When the door is opened, the birthday girl or boy is bombarded with balloons falling into their room.  It didn't work so well though.  Even though she is capable of opening her door, she will never just get up.  She always waits in bed for us to come get her.  So we kept saying Em, come out here and see the surprise we have for you.  She just kept yelling no and crying and screaming.  So finally we just opened the door and punched the balloons in.  Instantly her face lit up and she yelled, balloons!  Ugh, party pooper.

So then we had her open her presents from us.  We gave her one the day before, her first bike.  I was itching to let her have a present, and if it was nice enough the day of the party I figured the kids could go outside and she could ride her bike, but it was too cold.  But at least she got to show it off to everyone.  She's been "riding it" around the house....i.e. strattling it and walking.  It's a balance bike, so it's meant to be propelled with her feet so the kids learn how to balance before moving on to a bike with pedals....apparently we've all been doing it wrong all these years and it works better to learn how to balance and then learn how to peddle.  I remember learning to ride my bike was a big task for me, and even ended up in the ER when I turned and fell off my bike with training wheels.  I split my chin open and needed 4 stitches.  So if a balance bike will teach her more smoothly and faster, I am all for it.  And it's soooo tiny and cute!

So today her presents were a Melissa & Doug roll of paper for her to draw on, a bigger kid puzzle (she long ago mastered all of her baby puzzles), two books, a My little pony flashlight, and  Belle and Ariel figurines.  I think that's it.  And we ate a bunch of cake pops all day.  Today was a nice and relaxing day.  I was so glad we celebrated Friday and Saturday and could just chill today.  I made sure to notice when it was 2:20pm so I could tell her that at that exact time 3 years ago was when she came into the world.  She surely didn't really understand, but I will have fun telling that story every year and annoy her, just like my mom always did on my birthday.  My mom would always say, this time X amount of years ago, I didn't even know you yet.  I would always roll my eyes and say yeah yeah mom, you say that every year.  Now there is nothing I wouldn't give to hear her say that again.

It's funny, before I had kids, I always thought my birthday was just a great day for me.  I never realized how special of a day it is for your parents too.  I look forward to her birthday, remembering and celebrating the day she came into this world and made me her mommy, the day my life began.  I look forward to seeing her smile and have fun, and make her birthdays special.  It's crazy how much you just cannot understand or even think of until you have kids of your own.  Her birthdays pain me a little.  She's growing up way too fast.  She's still got another two and a half years till kindergarten, but man, they'll go just as fast or faster than these past three years have gone.  Every year I make a picture montage set to music of all her pictures from her last birthday to this one.  This one's was set to You are my sunshine, which is one of the songs she asks me to sing every night.  It's crazy to see how baby-like she still looked just a year, and even just 6 months ago.  Now she looks so grown up, and is so independent and talks so much.  She's also grown 3.5 inches and gained almost 5 pounds in the last year.  I am torn between wanting to keep her my little baby forever, and watching her grow and turn into a beautiful young lady who I hope succeeds in everything she sets her mind to.  Parenting is so hard, but so rewarding.  I love her so so so much.  Happy birthday baby girl!

bye bye mommy naps

I feel like I am finally be a good SAHM/WAHM.  I've always battled with insomnia and having troubles falling asleep.  My husband can 99% of the time fall asleep the moment his head hits the pillow and I have always been so jealous.  But since I began staying at home, my sleep has been really messed up.  I am so lucky that Emily sleeps in later than most kids.  Some days she sleeps until 9, but most days she is up at 7:30 or 8.  But still, as long as she isn't crying for me, I used to often go back to sleep for a bit and she would eventually get bored and go back to sleep, or daddy would get up with her when he got home and stay up for a little bit.  So some mornings I wouldn't get up till 9:30 or 10!  So despite always having good intentions, without the strict schedule of needing to get up for work to leave at a certain time, it became far too easy to hit snooze more than once, or twice, or five times.

Then there were the days when I'd get up with her at 8, but I went to bed at 3am the night before but didn't fall asleep till 5 or 6am.  So I'd be running on two or three hours sleep, and just tired as hell and my eyes were burning.  If I could manage to make it till she went down for a nap around 2, I would nap as well.  But many many mornings I would doze off constantly while she played, and I would often let her play on my phone, sitting on my lap so I knew she was safe while I snoozed.

Then, after dozing all morning and flat out napping for 2-3 hours in the afternoon, I'd be right back in the same spot that night, wide awake because I slept too much during the day.  Or, I would be tired, but I still couldn't shut my brain off and go to sleep.  Since I started working again, my sleep habits have only gotten worse.  I have moments here and there through out the day where I can browse facebook, but for the most part, I am busy with housework or with Emily (or supposed to be if I am not fighting to stay awake).  So once Emily was in bed was the only "me time" I got, but I work at night so I would be working till midnight or 1am, and then I would want me time, so I would stay up way too late, even if I was tired, just because I didn't want my free time to end yet.

Being so sleepy and wanting to do nothing but sleep felt like being on drugs.  I would do anything for sleep.  I was in a haze of fighting to stay awake, but longing to close my eyes just for a few seconds.  I was battling with feeling like a terrible mom...I was right there, and sitting up in the chair meant I didn't get into a deep sleep and could still hear Em, and if she really needed me she would and often did wake me up.  But what kind of existence is that?  I didn't want Emily to remember her childhood as her playing and me dozing off all the time.  I also felt depressed, because when I was awake, I felt miserable because I just wanted to sleep, but when I was finally awake for the day (around 5pm) the day was practically over, I got nothing done and I missed out on another day really being there for Em and interacting with her and taking her places.  When I was awake and alert, I felt great.  I'd think to myself, tomorrow I'll get up early, go for a walk, clean the whole house, do an arts and crafts project with Em, make a casserole and dust the baseboards.  Then the next day I was like ugh, need sleep!

I don't mean to compare sleepiness to a drug addiction.  But I've never done drugs, I've never even smoked weed, that's how boring I am in terms of drugs, so that's what it felt like to me.  Sleep was like my fix, and I was miserable except for that few moments of snuggling into bed or the recliner and happily drifting off to sleep.  So last Monday, I don't remember what time I got to bed the night before, but I am certain it wasn't super early.  But when I woke up, my husband came to bed and laid there talking to me for a while, so by then I was awake.

He couldn't sleep (for once) and suggested we go out for breakfast.  I ate badly, and since I didn't go to the gym and it was a beautiful warm day in February, I took Em for a walk when we got home.  I decided I was going to use this day to try to re-set my sleep clock.  I had gotten up at a decent time, I exercised and decided not to nap.  That night, I went to bed, I forget what time but it was surely before 1am and I practically fell asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.  It was amazing.  The next morning I awoke with my alarm and felt ready to get up.  Again I did not nap, and I went to bed early and slept well.

The only caveat is, on the days that I go to bed early and fall asleep easily, I wake up a lot through out the night.  Sometimes as often as every hour, but sometimes just a couple times.  And I don't get that wonderful feeling of looking at the clock and seeing that it's only 3am and I drift back to sleep.  I do fall back to sleep ok, but it doesn't feel great like I wish it did.  It's more of a dissapointment to see that it is still the middle of the night, like I wish it was time to get up because I am tired of being in bed.  But, if I had to choose between no sleep and laying in bed for hours wide awake, and falling asleep easily and waking often through out the night, I would choose the latter every day and twice on Sunday.  Insomnia is just the worst.

So all week I went to bed early....some nights as early as 11pm but no later than 12:45.  I find that as long as I get to sleep by 1am, I am good.  I've been wide awake during the day, I've been getting my chores done and playing with Emily.  I haven't napped at all.  Sunday afternoon was hard.  We were watching TV and Em was sitting on my lap.  My husband was dozing because he gets up earlier than he should on the weekends so he almost always needs a nap before work.  My eyes were heavy and they did close a few times, but Emily needed to go down for a nap and she still had to potty and get a pull up on.  Had she already had one on, I may have given in and just let her fall asleep on my lap and I would have slept too.  But I am glad I didn't, and I stayed up and got the kitchen cleaned.  I even went to bed early on Friday and Saturday too.

I also re-configured my work schedule.  I was working 3 hours a day once Emily went to bed, so usually 9pm till midnight.  Some days I would do an hour while she napped, but not often.  But I've been trying to increase my hours, so now I am doing two hours while she naps, and two hours at night.  The two hour increments are much easier and fly by, and most nights that has me getting done by 11pm, with time to spare for some me time, or I can get to bed really early.  On Wednesdays when she goes to Nana's, I try to get four hours of work in during the day, that way I get my hours in, but that also gives me the entire night off.  I also do this if my stepmom or dad take her for a day as well.  So I can have 1-2 nights off, in addition to Friday and Saturdays when I take the entire day and night off.
 
So I finally feel like I am being a productive, good mom.  It also makes mornings so much less dreadful when you actually wake up before your alarm, and are ready to get up.  Gym days used to be very hard, and some days I still don't want to go, but not waking up super tired and wanting to go back to sleep makes it so much easier.  This morning I got up and we went to the gym.  We had lunch when we got home, then I cleaned the living room and did a load of laundry.  When I put Em down for a nap, I worked for two hours, and then finished cleaning the living room when she woke up.  Then I made dinner, we watched some TV and played, and then once she was in bed for the night I worked for two more hours.

I have now had just over an hour of me time which is sufficient for tonight.  It's almost 12:40 and I can feel the sleepies setting in, so I am off to bed.  Hopefully I can keep this up.  I'll admit, I do miss my naps.  But it's so nice to not dread bed time, and know you'll fall asleep quickly and be energized and be productive the next day.

Going to school

So my husband and I started working out at a new gym this week, and one of the biggest draws for that gym in particular is that they have a daycare so we can take Emmy while we work out...or I can go when he's sleeping and not have to worry about what to do with Em.

I was nervous to take her on the first day....I knew I would be ok without her, and I trusted that they would take good care of her, but this was her first time EVER being left with anyone other than grandparents or aunts and uncles.  And the aunt and uncle thing is kind of rare even.  I was a very shy child, as Em can be, and I remember the awful anxiety I had when my mom dropped me off for things.  I worried she wouldn't come back, or forget...I'd often cry when she'd drop me off, or at least be terribly anxiety ridden, and when it got close to the time she was supposed to pick me up, I would get the nervous butterflies, worried every minute that ticked by that she wasn't there.

I don't think she was ever late, but the nerves set in as soon as the first parent arrived, until she walked in the door.  I dealt with this much of my childhood, I can even remember feeling anxious and "homesick" at a day program my parents made me go to for church when I was about 10 or possibly older.  So my nervousness surrounding Em going to this daycare was that she would feel the way I used to as a kid.  I know it's necessary, she cannot be with us or grandparents forever, and it's good for her.  But still, you hate to see your baby scared.

She learned about school from somewhere, a show or something, so for the last couple weeks we've been talking to her about the daycare, calling it school, so she's been really excited to go.  When we got there she was the first kid there, and the staff was really nice.  When I asked her to say hi she buried her face in my leg, but quickly warmed up when Ryan got down a castle with princess dolls in it.  I also showed her the video for the Kissing Hand the night before, which is about a racoon who is nervous to start his first day of school away from his mom.

So we got her set up with the castle and stayed with her for a minute or two and then we said we were going to go work out next door and we'd be back to get her in a little while.  She did look a little worried for a second, but then Ryan pointed out other things she could play with.  So I was amazed, no tears, and she was fine when we left.  We peeked in without her seeing us on the way to the work out room and she seemed to be happily playing.

She was there for just over an hour....the time limit is 2 hours, so that is the very most she would be there but I doubt we would work out that long unless we reserved court time to play tennis.  When we went in to pick her up she was happy to see us but she didn't seem like she couldn't wait to get out of there.  The one lady asked if she is in pre-school or anything and we said no, and she was amazed and she said how well she did.  She was playing with my little ponies when we got there and she gathered them up to put them away with no complaints.  She said she had fun and sounds excited to go back.  Whew, I'm so glad.  I used to work in a day care and you could tell which kids had been day care kids since almost birth, they were fine when they got dropped off.  Then there were the ones that would cry when mom or dad first left, but would be ok after a few....or cry once they realized mom or dad had snuck out.  And THEN there were the ones that never stopped crying.  I subbed in one of the 3 year old rooms for one day and this little girl cried for the entire 2 hours I was there, and I was told she had done that all week.  Poor kid.

So I was happy to hear that Emmy didn't have any meltdowns after we left once she realized we weren't coming back right away.  I'm taking her by myself on Friday, so let's hope day two goes just as well.  We don't want to put her in pre-school until she's 4.  I figure she'll have to do things and go places for her entire life, why start that daily grind earlier than you have to?  But I wanted her to do something to make a smoother transition from being home with me all day, to going to preschool, so I think this will be really good for her.  Especially since she is an only child, going to "school" 3-ish times a week for an hour or so for the next year and a half should help prepare her for pre-school, without commiting to two years of it before Kindergarten.

In other good news, she's gotten much better about telling me when she has to go potty, AND going #2 in the potty.  She's been pee pee during the day trained since April, but she still has accidents now and again, and going #2 was really hard.  She would either go in her pull up or underwear and not tell us, or she would tell us, as she's walking funny and grunting.  But I think it's been at least two weeks since we've had an accident and she's been pooping in the potty really well.  I try to remind myself all the time, no child has ever grown up and gone off to college still pooping their pants.  But I really was starting to worry that she'd never get it, and then one day, it clicks.  I don't think we're out of the woods yet, but we're getting there.

She's also been waking up dry most days.  I read the book, Oh Crap, Potty Training, to train her for daytime and it was great.  But I wasn't fond of the way they recommended night training.  They recommend that it be done at the same time, and you wake up every few hours to have them use the bathroom.  YUCK!  I'd always heard tons of kids that were potty trained during the day but not at night for a while, so I figured I'd see how that went.  But I'm pretty sure the book warned against letting them get too old before you nipped it in the bud, because the later they night train, the more troubles you'll have with bed wetting for years and years.

So I was starting to worry that it wouldn't happen on its own, and I'd have to actually "train her", but things are looking good.  I'd say for the last month, she's woken up dry for the majority of the days each week.  I think I will start keeping track tomorrow, and when she hits two weeks dry, I'll take away nap and bed time diapers.  Yikes!  Scary, but if I survived taking her out in public with no diaper on when she first daytime trained, I can handle washing sheets for the occasional accident.

My baby is growing up too quickly.  I've got to start planning for her 3rd birthday party soon!

Big girl bed

Well Emily is finally in her big girl bed.  It wasn't too sad taking her crib down, but I did realize that it was about this time, three years ago that we were putting it together.  Crazy how fast time flies.

She was at her Nana and Papa's that day so when she got home we told her we had a big surprise for her, and took her in to see it.  It's a twin, and I covered an old ugly headboard I found at a second hand shop with a grey and white material with a trellis pattern.  It turned out really cute.  I picked out a comforter with different shades of pink that has flowers and trees on it.  It's not matchy matchy with the headboard but I think it goes well with it.

We already had the mattress, frame, and box springs.  My inlaws were getting rid of them years ago and asked if we wanted them, so they've been in the basement all this time.  I hadn't thought of using them until I got the idea to re-do an old headboard, so it all worked out well, and we didn't have to spend anything.  Just the $15 that I think the headboard was, the material, and sheets and the comforter.  It's actually a really comfortable mattress too.  The next day my dad picked Emily up for the day so I could work, and I took a short nap in there.  I recall my childhood bed being super super comfortable too.  Dare I say, more comfortable than our crazy expensive tempur pedic???

So that first night she was pretty excited, she kept jumping up and down saying big girl bed.  Once we got her tucked in, she seemed a little hesitant about us leaving, so I stayed in there and laid on the floor until she fell asleep.  Luckily that was only about 10 minutes since she hardly ever naps at Nana's anymore, so she was more than ready for bed.

She woke up crying around 5:30, but I just stroked her hair and tucked her back in and she seemed fine.  But she woke up crying again at 9, but when I went in to get her, it was like a pathetic cry.  She seemed very sad and wimpery, I thought maybe it was the bed, missing her old bed.  I picked her up and she snuggled me and kept crying.  She cried for like the first 15 minutes she was awake.  I thought oh no, how do you do this....because clearly we weren't going to give her crib back to her, so how do you deal when a kid hates their new bed.

Then she came over to me, crawled up in my lap and threw up all over me.  And instantly, she was her old self again, talking, and seemed fine.  So...gross, but glad it wasn't about the bed.  My dad said she seemed a little off that day, but no more puking or any obvious signs she was sick, just a little more cuddly than usual.

So yay, big girl bed was a success.  She even dragged him in to see it when he came to pick her up.  It fits really well into her room too.  She's got a very small room, so I'm glad the twin is a good size.  We were going to convert her crib into a bed, but it converts into a full size.  That would have been a bit big for her room, plus she already looks so tiny in the twin.  The full would swallow her up.  As it is she doesn't really use the comforter and pillows.  She still sleeps on her Minnie Mouse pillow and I pull the comforter back and she likes to be covered with the Paw Patrol blanket she used in her crib.  But it's fine, having those two things probably made the transition easier, and the comforter and normal pillow is there if she wants them.

I don't know if her puking was related, but the next morning I woke up with a bad headache and was nauseas.  Being a Friday, Ryan still had to sleep when he got home, so I just laid on the couch while she played, feeling miserable.  At one point I got up to get her something and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up.  I felt a lot better, but still not great, and within a couple hours I felt just as bad as I did before I threw up.  Finally nap time came so I tucked her in, puked again and went to bed myself.  Thank God it was the weekend so I didn't have to work, and Ryan was off so he did meals and bed times all weekend while I pretty much just slept and threw up.  I was so thankful I had worked all day the day before so I had a 3 day weekend, but I was mad that I spent the whole thing being sick.

Thankfully Emily's one instance of throwing up was all she got, and Ryan never got it.  I would have hated to see her suffer with that, and your husband being sick is the worst!  From the symptoms, I am pretty sure I had the norovirus.  So bad.  I had it when I was about 8 weeks pregnant with Emily.  That time was even worse though because I had morning sickness along with it, so double the nausea and throwing up.  I spent almost that one whole night on the bathroom floor, praying to throw up so I could feel better and go back to bed.  I ended up having to go to the ER the next morning because I was so dehydrated.  Fun times.

Last weekend Ryan made her some steps so she can get in and out of bed herself.  She loves them, and calls it "going upstairs", which technically is accurate.  I'm going to have to somehow get them away from her for a day or two so I can paint them, and I got some grippy flower stickers to put on them so she won't slip on them.  I can't believe her third birthday is coming up.

I have an appointment next month with my gyno to talk about permanent birth control.  My mom had uterine cancer so I want to find out if I am at any higher risk of getting something like that, and if so then I might as well just have a hysterectomy.  But if not, we'll look into less invasive options.  It's funny because I have been pretty solid in my decision for the last year to not have any more kids, but just in the couple weeks since I made the appointment, I've had a few thoughts of, maybe we should have one more.

But I think it is just because we have things set in motion to make it impossible (or at least highly unlikely) so I think it's natural to doubt myself.  Plus, if I did have more kids, this would be the good time to do it.  Emily is almost 3, by the time another kid came she would be close to or older than 4.  She can feed herself, mostly dress herself, she's day-time potty trained and has been staying dry some nights so she may be totally out of diapers soon.  I had no interest in having 2 under 2, but having another one 3.5 to 4 years apart is definitely sounds more do-able.

But, the fact still remains that I am super high risk, I am almost 38, and my desire to have another baby isn't stronger than my fear of another loss.  Besides, I don't really want another baby, I would just sometimes like to go back and have Emily all over again.  Go back to the days where she napped on my chest every day, go back to having a little tiny baby.  She's so much fun now, and still as adorable as ever, but I do have longings for a baby again.  But, if you're lucky, they don't stay a baby forever and then you're right back int the same spot of having a 3 year old and missing the baby stage.  I call it new puppy syndrome.  Everyone likes cute new puppies, but nobody likes the work involved.

Plus our only other bedroom is my office and having a home office is kind of important when you work from home.  My hours only keep growing and I have a promotion coming up in the next several months.  I barely have time to do it all now, let alone with a pregnancy and a new baby.  No, I'm happy with the way things are.  Just a little sad about the hand that we were dealt.  What I wouldn't give to see my two girls together.