Well I completely failed at waiting until Tuesday to test, like I failed by a whole 7 days, lol. I cracked and tested last night, and of course BFN. I was pretty crampy last night, so I still kind of feel like my period is on its way, but if I ovulated when I think I did, I could only be 13DPO (12 last night) and I've heard of plenty of people who don't get BFPs until 14 or even 16DPO. I was arguing with myself last night over whether or not to test....not because it could be a BFN, I was prepared for that. But I wasn't sure what to do if it was a BFP.
Was I going to tell Ryan? That sounds so messed up not to tell him right away, but like I said I don't want to punish him by getting his hopes up and then devestate him just in case of the worst happening again just ebcause I am too impatient to wait. But then I was like crap, what if it IS a BFP, and then the worst happens before I could even tell him. That's the point where I realized I need to just stop thinking and do what I was going to do, which was test.
I suppose if this doesn't turn out to be that I am not pregnant and I get my period, that's not a horrible thing, I haven't had a period in a long time....maybe if I have one that is the beginning to getting my cycles back on track. I've been doing really well with my weightloss, I've lost 5 pounds so far, I think I look much better, I can already start to see a difference and my pants fit so much better. Since I cheat some on the weekend it's so much easier to stick to it during the week and I've done amazing with my work outs. In February I worked out every single day I was supposed to which is 4 times a week, and so far this month I have only missed one day.
However the silver lining in this taking so long is that we're getting back to winter due dates. Ryan is laid off during the winter so it would be nice to have a winter baby so he would be home to help me and he can learn how to take care of the baby. If I were to get pregnant now I could have a December baby....a lot of people don't want that, and are even willing to TTA for this month to avoid it, but I don't see anything wrong with having a December baby. I even think it would be kind of nice....I LOVE Christmas and I think it's just such a magical time of year. I would love to be able to deliver maybe in early to mid December and have everyone over at Christmas to see the best Christmas present ever. Sigh. Ok, I've got to get back to work now.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Insane!
I am driving myself insane. Three weeks ago I had ferning on the ovulation scope....but we didn't have sex so if I ovulated then, obviously no baby for us. However the good news is my guess is that I am quite sure I would have gotten my period by now had I ovulated that week. So I am really praying I ovulated then and that I could be pregnant.
I am thinking if I ovulated and not pregnant my period should start maybe Friday. If no period by Tuesday I plan on testing. I've been having cramps for about a week now, fairly mild though....so I don't know. I don't know if that means my period is coming, or if I am pregnant or if my body is just being a complete bitch to me again and I will cramp and then nothing.
I'm dying to test, but so far I've been able to hold out. If I ovulated around the 16th I would only be about 11DPO, but that's not really why I am holding off. If and when I get pregnant again, I want to be able to tell Ryan right away, and be excited about it. But I just don't think I could be excited if I tested too early because I would be terrified my period would start. I guess I feel like I know my body better than Ryan, so it's not fair to tell him any good news if there is any chance its so early that the good news could be taken away. One week....I can hold out one week.
I've been analyzing every symptom....I had gotten better about that, for the last 4 or 5 months I haven't gotten sucked in too much by phantom symptoms, but since this month is the first possible month that there could be a chance since the miscarriage, I am freaking out. When I got pregnant in December, I just knew. I just knew it in my bones that I was pregnant. I cannot explain it at all because there were other months where I was really thinking maybe I could be, but this time was different. This time I had a very calm demeanor as test day approached because it's like I knew what the resulkts would be. Then on test day I had a dream right before I woke up that I had already tested and it was positive, so I got up at 6:45 to test.....I never get up early on a Saturday so clearly I was very anxious to test.
As I was waiting for the results, I didn't do what I normally do. Normally when I really think I could be, I talk myself out of it as I wait for the results. I guess I'm like preparing myself for a negative so that I won't be crushed if it is indeed negative. But I didn't do that then, I was sitting there waiting for positive results. In fact when it didn't turn positive right away I got very dissapointed because I knew what the answer should have been.
So....right now I am trying to figure out if I "know it in my bones". And of course it doesn't work that way, you cannot determine if you know it...you just do or you don't. So I feel like I am trying to make myself feel it if that makes any sense. I've been very tired this week, cannot make it through evening TV without dozing off, so of course I think ooooh, is that a sign? And of course I have been cramping, and aside from a week or two ago none of it has been heavy cramps. They've all just been mild, barely there cramping with an occasional sharp pain or twinge, so I think oh, those are different than usual cramps.
Ugh, hopefully I can just take my mind off from it and make it until next Tuesday. I'm going shopping with my best friend on Saturday so I definitely cannot test before then because if it were to be positive I don't think I could stand to not tell her. Ryan and I promised that next time we won't tell ANYBODY until after our first OB appointment. Of course even if the unthinable happened again I would still tell my best friend, but again, but it's the same with telling Ryan, I would want to be able to do it once I can be happy about telling the news. If I tested too early and got a positive I would still be way too scared to be able to tell in a happy way.
Ugh, I feel like this post likely doesn't make any sense. But I needed to get it out. I'm going to bed.
I am thinking if I ovulated and not pregnant my period should start maybe Friday. If no period by Tuesday I plan on testing. I've been having cramps for about a week now, fairly mild though....so I don't know. I don't know if that means my period is coming, or if I am pregnant or if my body is just being a complete bitch to me again and I will cramp and then nothing.
I'm dying to test, but so far I've been able to hold out. If I ovulated around the 16th I would only be about 11DPO, but that's not really why I am holding off. If and when I get pregnant again, I want to be able to tell Ryan right away, and be excited about it. But I just don't think I could be excited if I tested too early because I would be terrified my period would start. I guess I feel like I know my body better than Ryan, so it's not fair to tell him any good news if there is any chance its so early that the good news could be taken away. One week....I can hold out one week.
I've been analyzing every symptom....I had gotten better about that, for the last 4 or 5 months I haven't gotten sucked in too much by phantom symptoms, but since this month is the first possible month that there could be a chance since the miscarriage, I am freaking out. When I got pregnant in December, I just knew. I just knew it in my bones that I was pregnant. I cannot explain it at all because there were other months where I was really thinking maybe I could be, but this time was different. This time I had a very calm demeanor as test day approached because it's like I knew what the resulkts would be. Then on test day I had a dream right before I woke up that I had already tested and it was positive, so I got up at 6:45 to test.....I never get up early on a Saturday so clearly I was very anxious to test.
As I was waiting for the results, I didn't do what I normally do. Normally when I really think I could be, I talk myself out of it as I wait for the results. I guess I'm like preparing myself for a negative so that I won't be crushed if it is indeed negative. But I didn't do that then, I was sitting there waiting for positive results. In fact when it didn't turn positive right away I got very dissapointed because I knew what the answer should have been.
So....right now I am trying to figure out if I "know it in my bones". And of course it doesn't work that way, you cannot determine if you know it...you just do or you don't. So I feel like I am trying to make myself feel it if that makes any sense. I've been very tired this week, cannot make it through evening TV without dozing off, so of course I think ooooh, is that a sign? And of course I have been cramping, and aside from a week or two ago none of it has been heavy cramps. They've all just been mild, barely there cramping with an occasional sharp pain or twinge, so I think oh, those are different than usual cramps.
Ugh, hopefully I can just take my mind off from it and make it until next Tuesday. I'm going shopping with my best friend on Saturday so I definitely cannot test before then because if it were to be positive I don't think I could stand to not tell her. Ryan and I promised that next time we won't tell ANYBODY until after our first OB appointment. Of course even if the unthinable happened again I would still tell my best friend, but again, but it's the same with telling Ryan, I would want to be able to do it once I can be happy about telling the news. If I tested too early and got a positive I would still be way too scared to be able to tell in a happy way.
Ugh, I feel like this post likely doesn't make any sense. But I needed to get it out. I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Low on hope
I'm feeling a little blah tonight. I've been feeling a little blah a lot lately. I've been thinking a lot about the miscarriage, keeping a loose track of how far along I would be. I would be roughly 20 weeks this Saturday, about time to find out the sex. My dad told me the other day my aunt and uncle are going to be grandparents, my cousin and his wife are pregnant. They've kind of been my safehaven. They're younger than me but they've been married for almost 5 years and this will be their first kid. Since we began TTC I've wondered about them, we're they just not ready? I mean, they are a little younger, I think around 26 or 27, if I had gotten married younger I am sure I would have taken a few years to spend alone with my husband. But I also wondered if they were having troubles getting pregnant.
I am not close to them at all, so of course I cannot ask. I feel really horrible to say that I somewhat took comfort in the idea that they were having troubles. Not that I would wish infertility on them or anybody, but sometimes misery loves company I guess. Sure I know a whole board full of women on TTGP that are in the same boat as me, but somehow it's just different when you know them in person. If they were having troubles I guess it should then give me comfort that they ended up getting pregnant, like there is still hope for me. But honestly it doesn't, it makes me jealous that they got their baby. Whatever they went through to get it, they've got it (well they will when it's born) so any struggles before hand are now null and void. The ends justifies the means and in the end they did get pregnant, whereas I still sit here, waiting. I know that's really stupid to think that way, it'll happen for us someday too. My SIL posted on her FB one day, saying it will all be ok in the end, if it isn't ok, it's not the end. I like that, it applies well here. It's not the end for us yet, hell it hasn't even been a year. Damn near though, one more month.
It's funny because when I got pregnant in December, despite getting frustrated and worrying it would never happen, when it did happen I thought wow that didn't really take long at all. And I am sure when it happens again I will think the same way. But it's the constant waiting, not knowing how much more waiting is left that is hard. I constantly think of future dates and think, will I be pregnant by then? I really hope so. Like when my brother comes home in June for the summer, or by August 10th, our original estimated due date, or by Chrismtas?
I could hear it in my dad's voice, the little waver of yearning when he told me his sister is going to be a grandma. This is his 4th sibling (out of 11) to become a grandparent before him and I know he has wanted it for so long. Sometimes my heart screams to tell him. Sometimes I have to stop myself because all I want to do is fling myself into my daddy's arms and tell him about the miscarriage. It was really hard not to have any of my family's support during it, and Ryan and I don't really talk about it. I know my best friend is there for me too but I don't want to bum her out. I didn't want to talk about it much before when she was still pregnant, I didn't want to plant any fears in her head about her own pregnancy. But now that's she's had the baby I suppose it would be ok to bring it up if I need to. I'll tell my dad someday, when we have the good news of a sticky baby to soften the blow.
He'll probably feel really awful that I felt I couldn't tell him. Like the same way my brother kept quiet about his impending divorce for months, and then only told us when he absolutely couldn't keep the charade of a happy marriage going any longer. I think my dad felt as though he had failed him that he didn't feel he could tell him. I doubt that was it at all, my brother is just a very private person and I would imagine being left by your wife is probably an embarrasing shameful thing, at least in the eyes of the person going through it. I didn't tell my dad partly because then he would know we're TTC. When we finally get the good news, I want it to be a surpise. He wants it so bad, I feel like not telling him is kinder. The time of waiting for the good news will go by much quicker if he doesn't know he is waiting. But also, I feel like telling him now would be kind of selfish. Since he dind't know I was pregnant in the first place, it seems cruel to tell him he would have been a grandpa but now he won't be. Especially with it being so close to Chrismtas, I just couldn't do it.
Well geeze, this is a depressing post isn't it. Ok, onto a little more light hearted stuff. I painted the ceiling in my home office tonight. Almost there, I think maybe I can finally start painting the actual color soon. It's been a very long work in progress that we just cannot seem to get finished. But Ryan's grandpa might be staying with us for a few days over Easter, so we've got to get the office painted so we can move all the stuff back in from the spare room so we can sleep in there and he can have our room. The fate of the office will depend on future events. We had always planned to use the spare room for a nursery someday, and then my office will have to move downstairs when a second kid comes along.
But as we began prepping to paint I remembered how much of a pain in the ass painting is. And since I am painting it blue I decided if our first child is a boy we'll just turn that into his room and move my office next door. Why paint twice? So the other night I started googling nursery decors. I am absolutely in love with wall art, like the sayings you stick on the wall. I've already got one picked out for a girl, the words are along a curvy line with a few butterflies and lady bugs and it says "With a butterfly kiss and a ladybug hug, sleep tight little one like a bug in a rug". Eeeek, I love it. So for a girl I want to get that for the wall, and do the bottom part of the wall in lavender and the top half in white. I also found this adorable butterfly mobile I want to try making and I've already got my crib and other furniture picked out, they're all dark cherry wood....so pretty!
For a boy, the room will obviously be blue and I found a wall art that says No more monkies jumping on the bed...so of course I ran with that and decided I want to do a boy's room in a monkey theme. Not sure yet if it would be exclusively monkies or a general jungle theme, depends on what I can find. I also like trains, but I think I'm leaning toward the monkies more, Ryan thinks I am obsessing when I get like this, but it's honestly really fun to me. Sometimes I'll lie awake at night picturing how I will tell my dad the news, and how I will decorate the nursury. I get that Ryan doesn't do that, but I wish he would understand. It's the same thing as wanting to walk the lot and drool over cars when he barely just got his car paid off and we really need to enjoy not having two car payments right now.
I also like to think about how I am going to announce to other people. Like for FB, I have a lot of family that I don't see much, so when the time comes (no sooner than 12 weeks of course) I'll announce on facebook. I thought about posting "Hey Ryan, is it time to announce that we're pregnant yet?" and then tag Ryan in the post. But I had another idea the other day. I bought these cute little U of M baby booties a few months ago and plan to leave them, along with the positive pee stick and a note for Ryan saying second time's a charm? So the other night when I knew Ryan was busy I swiped his slippers and I took a picture of his, mine, and the baby booties all lined up. I think I'll upload that as my default pic on FB to announce and see how quickly people catch on. Now I've just got to make sure to upload the pics from my camera so Ryan doesn't see them ahead of time.
I am not close to them at all, so of course I cannot ask. I feel really horrible to say that I somewhat took comfort in the idea that they were having troubles. Not that I would wish infertility on them or anybody, but sometimes misery loves company I guess. Sure I know a whole board full of women on TTGP that are in the same boat as me, but somehow it's just different when you know them in person. If they were having troubles I guess it should then give me comfort that they ended up getting pregnant, like there is still hope for me. But honestly it doesn't, it makes me jealous that they got their baby. Whatever they went through to get it, they've got it (well they will when it's born) so any struggles before hand are now null and void. The ends justifies the means and in the end they did get pregnant, whereas I still sit here, waiting. I know that's really stupid to think that way, it'll happen for us someday too. My SIL posted on her FB one day, saying it will all be ok in the end, if it isn't ok, it's not the end. I like that, it applies well here. It's not the end for us yet, hell it hasn't even been a year. Damn near though, one more month.
It's funny because when I got pregnant in December, despite getting frustrated and worrying it would never happen, when it did happen I thought wow that didn't really take long at all. And I am sure when it happens again I will think the same way. But it's the constant waiting, not knowing how much more waiting is left that is hard. I constantly think of future dates and think, will I be pregnant by then? I really hope so. Like when my brother comes home in June for the summer, or by August 10th, our original estimated due date, or by Chrismtas?
I could hear it in my dad's voice, the little waver of yearning when he told me his sister is going to be a grandma. This is his 4th sibling (out of 11) to become a grandparent before him and I know he has wanted it for so long. Sometimes my heart screams to tell him. Sometimes I have to stop myself because all I want to do is fling myself into my daddy's arms and tell him about the miscarriage. It was really hard not to have any of my family's support during it, and Ryan and I don't really talk about it. I know my best friend is there for me too but I don't want to bum her out. I didn't want to talk about it much before when she was still pregnant, I didn't want to plant any fears in her head about her own pregnancy. But now that's she's had the baby I suppose it would be ok to bring it up if I need to. I'll tell my dad someday, when we have the good news of a sticky baby to soften the blow.
He'll probably feel really awful that I felt I couldn't tell him. Like the same way my brother kept quiet about his impending divorce for months, and then only told us when he absolutely couldn't keep the charade of a happy marriage going any longer. I think my dad felt as though he had failed him that he didn't feel he could tell him. I doubt that was it at all, my brother is just a very private person and I would imagine being left by your wife is probably an embarrasing shameful thing, at least in the eyes of the person going through it. I didn't tell my dad partly because then he would know we're TTC. When we finally get the good news, I want it to be a surpise. He wants it so bad, I feel like not telling him is kinder. The time of waiting for the good news will go by much quicker if he doesn't know he is waiting. But also, I feel like telling him now would be kind of selfish. Since he dind't know I was pregnant in the first place, it seems cruel to tell him he would have been a grandpa but now he won't be. Especially with it being so close to Chrismtas, I just couldn't do it.
Well geeze, this is a depressing post isn't it. Ok, onto a little more light hearted stuff. I painted the ceiling in my home office tonight. Almost there, I think maybe I can finally start painting the actual color soon. It's been a very long work in progress that we just cannot seem to get finished. But Ryan's grandpa might be staying with us for a few days over Easter, so we've got to get the office painted so we can move all the stuff back in from the spare room so we can sleep in there and he can have our room. The fate of the office will depend on future events. We had always planned to use the spare room for a nursery someday, and then my office will have to move downstairs when a second kid comes along.
But as we began prepping to paint I remembered how much of a pain in the ass painting is. And since I am painting it blue I decided if our first child is a boy we'll just turn that into his room and move my office next door. Why paint twice? So the other night I started googling nursery decors. I am absolutely in love with wall art, like the sayings you stick on the wall. I've already got one picked out for a girl, the words are along a curvy line with a few butterflies and lady bugs and it says "With a butterfly kiss and a ladybug hug, sleep tight little one like a bug in a rug". Eeeek, I love it. So for a girl I want to get that for the wall, and do the bottom part of the wall in lavender and the top half in white. I also found this adorable butterfly mobile I want to try making and I've already got my crib and other furniture picked out, they're all dark cherry wood....so pretty!
For a boy, the room will obviously be blue and I found a wall art that says No more monkies jumping on the bed...so of course I ran with that and decided I want to do a boy's room in a monkey theme. Not sure yet if it would be exclusively monkies or a general jungle theme, depends on what I can find. I also like trains, but I think I'm leaning toward the monkies more, Ryan thinks I am obsessing when I get like this, but it's honestly really fun to me. Sometimes I'll lie awake at night picturing how I will tell my dad the news, and how I will decorate the nursury. I get that Ryan doesn't do that, but I wish he would understand. It's the same thing as wanting to walk the lot and drool over cars when he barely just got his car paid off and we really need to enjoy not having two car payments right now.
I also like to think about how I am going to announce to other people. Like for FB, I have a lot of family that I don't see much, so when the time comes (no sooner than 12 weeks of course) I'll announce on facebook. I thought about posting "Hey Ryan, is it time to announce that we're pregnant yet?" and then tag Ryan in the post. But I had another idea the other day. I bought these cute little U of M baby booties a few months ago and plan to leave them, along with the positive pee stick and a note for Ryan saying second time's a charm? So the other night when I knew Ryan was busy I swiped his slippers and I took a picture of his, mine, and the baby booties all lined up. I think I'll upload that as my default pic on FB to announce and see how quickly people catch on. Now I've just got to make sure to upload the pics from my camera so Ryan doesn't see them ahead of time.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Saliva says go!
Ahh, I'm so excited. A couple weeks ago I was reading a baby book and in it they mentioned an ovulation microscope. I'd never heard of this so I did some research and found one for $30 online. It works like an OPK, except instead of urine, you place a drop of saliva on the lens of the microscope, wait a few minutes for it to dry and then take a peek. The directions shows pictures of what fertile and non-fertile looks like....fertile display a "ferning pattern" which basically looks like heavy frost on a window when it gets that crystalized look.
I was a little hesitant of it, especially the spending more money part. Between HPTs, OPKs, this book, charting software, two BBTs (the first one sucked, had to buy another) and preseed we have easily spent over $200 in the last 10 months on TTC stuff. That's really not that much, but considering you could get away with probably less than $50 if you get pregnant right away, and also the fact that we have no idea how much longer it will take and how much more money it will take, spending less would be nice. And of course the fact that the majority of that money went to stuff that you pee on and throw away, we have quite literally been pissing our money away.
Ok end of rant....but then I decided the scope would might be a good purchase because you buy it once and you're done, unlike OPK stashes that need to be replenished frequently, and when you have loooong cycles like I am in now, 2 OPKs a day for who knows how many days hoping to catch an LH surge can lead to frequent purchases. So I bought it....for the last three weeks, nothing. My spit looks spotty, just like the picture of non-fertile. There were a few days when I thought maybe if I looked hard enough I could see the smallest amount of ferning, but who knows.
This morning began CD61 for me, and I looked in the scope like usual, didn't see much but then my eye caught an area of saliva at the edge of the lense. For some reason sometimes its hard to get it in the center of the lense. There is was, a big beautiful section of ferning. There was no mistaking it, I knew my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Of course I had already used the bathroom, but I was able to produce a tad more to use an OPK, negative of course. But the website that I got the scope from said since the scope measures electrlytes in your saliva brought on by an increased amount of estrogen, it can pick up pending ovulation signs quicker than the LH surge that OPKs pick up. So I am praying this is the real deal, that it will continue to show ferning, that my OPKs will agree (I still have some left, why not use them to confirm) and I will actually O.
I know ovulating doesn't mean I will get pregnant for sure, but obviously not ovulating means I definitely won't, so I am walking on air right now. I had spotting that I counted as a period in January, but honestly given my crappy long cycle this month, that may not have been my period after all. Regardless, I was not able to confirm O in January, so the last time I Od for sure was in November, when I consequently got pregnant for those few short weeks.....so clearly I am thrilled as hell to O for possibly the first time in 3 months.
.
I was a little hesitant of it, especially the spending more money part. Between HPTs, OPKs, this book, charting software, two BBTs (the first one sucked, had to buy another) and preseed we have easily spent over $200 in the last 10 months on TTC stuff. That's really not that much, but considering you could get away with probably less than $50 if you get pregnant right away, and also the fact that we have no idea how much longer it will take and how much more money it will take, spending less would be nice. And of course the fact that the majority of that money went to stuff that you pee on and throw away, we have quite literally been pissing our money away.
Ok end of rant....but then I decided the scope would might be a good purchase because you buy it once and you're done, unlike OPK stashes that need to be replenished frequently, and when you have loooong cycles like I am in now, 2 OPKs a day for who knows how many days hoping to catch an LH surge can lead to frequent purchases. So I bought it....for the last three weeks, nothing. My spit looks spotty, just like the picture of non-fertile. There were a few days when I thought maybe if I looked hard enough I could see the smallest amount of ferning, but who knows.
This morning began CD61 for me, and I looked in the scope like usual, didn't see much but then my eye caught an area of saliva at the edge of the lense. For some reason sometimes its hard to get it in the center of the lense. There is was, a big beautiful section of ferning. There was no mistaking it, I knew my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Of course I had already used the bathroom, but I was able to produce a tad more to use an OPK, negative of course. But the website that I got the scope from said since the scope measures electrlytes in your saliva brought on by an increased amount of estrogen, it can pick up pending ovulation signs quicker than the LH surge that OPKs pick up. So I am praying this is the real deal, that it will continue to show ferning, that my OPKs will agree (I still have some left, why not use them to confirm) and I will actually O.
I know ovulating doesn't mean I will get pregnant for sure, but obviously not ovulating means I definitely won't, so I am walking on air right now. I had spotting that I counted as a period in January, but honestly given my crappy long cycle this month, that may not have been my period after all. Regardless, I was not able to confirm O in January, so the last time I Od for sure was in November, when I consequently got pregnant for those few short weeks.....so clearly I am thrilled as hell to O for possibly the first time in 3 months.
.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Hope
Hope is such an uplifting feeling. Every Christmas since I met my husband we have gotten a special ornament to signify the time in our lives. We have an "our first Christmas together" one, an "our first Christmas in our new house", and a Mr. and Mrs. ornament. I wasn't going to buy one this year, but since we had our loss just a few weeks before Christmas, I decided maybe an ornament was a good idea. There were some nice angel ones....but I don't know, that felt somehow wrong to me. I know many women consider their losses as their "angel baby". And that's great if that comforts them...but I don't know, we never heard a heartbeat, I only knew I was pregnant for 4 days. It seems a little melodramatic to refer to our loss as our angel baby. So I found this little ceremic stocking that said Hope....it was perfect. Nobody who saw it would question what it meant, for those that do not know....but it is very sentimental to us.
This cycle continues to drag on, but I've done really well with my diet and exercise this week and last, so I am hoping I am on the way to a healthier, and more regular cycle me. The idea of losing all the weight I once lost seems very daunting, but I was looking over my weightloss records and pinpointed the weight that my cycles starting going crazy. That means if I can lose just 20-25 pounds, I should be back in the range where my cycles get under control. That makes me very happy.
I have a calendar in my home gym of all the days I am supposed to work out. Provided that I work out tonight, I will have completed my work out everyday this month that I was supposed to except for one day....and that day we were pretty busy running errands and painting the spare bedroom, so it's not like I sat around being completely lazy all day. Having had this success so far makes me want to keep going.
I haven't really lost weight in the last couple weeks, but I feel better so maybe my lack of scale success is due to building muscle. I gave up pop for lent and that is helping a lot, I do miss it but I feel really good. I bought a crapload of lemons yesterday and have been drinking lemon water all day....lemon water is soooo much easier to drink than plain. I say this now, but I am going to try to continue with giving up pop even when lent is over with. I thought sticking to just one can a day was a good compromise, but I seriously feel so much better with none, and that's 150 calories a day I can put to better use. Besides, when I do get pregnant I'll have to give it up anyway.
I got my haircut the other day, I've been going to the same stylist since we moved back to this city about 4 years ago, so we chat and she knows we're TTC. She asked, "so no babies yet". I said no, but then decided to spill about my miscarriage. Turns out she had had one too, but she was 11 weeks along, which had to have been much tougher to deal with. She has the cutest little girl that is about 4, so she is living proof that good things can still happen...she also said everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it is supposed to. I know most of the girls on TB hate that saying, that it will happen when it is meant to be, but I believe it. I know that someday when I look into my child's eyes and instantly fall in love, it won't have mattered that it took 10 months or a year or longer to get pregnant, because if it had happened sooner, I wouldn't have them. It's hard to see reasons why when you're hurting, but eventually things make sense and everything falls into place. That's what I believe anyway.
Sadly there are many girls on TB that have experienced a sad loss, but my stylists was the first person I've ever talked to in real life that had one....I don't know, but it helped, I'm glad I talked to her about it.
This cycle continues to drag on, but I've done really well with my diet and exercise this week and last, so I am hoping I am on the way to a healthier, and more regular cycle me. The idea of losing all the weight I once lost seems very daunting, but I was looking over my weightloss records and pinpointed the weight that my cycles starting going crazy. That means if I can lose just 20-25 pounds, I should be back in the range where my cycles get under control. That makes me very happy.
I have a calendar in my home gym of all the days I am supposed to work out. Provided that I work out tonight, I will have completed my work out everyday this month that I was supposed to except for one day....and that day we were pretty busy running errands and painting the spare bedroom, so it's not like I sat around being completely lazy all day. Having had this success so far makes me want to keep going.
I haven't really lost weight in the last couple weeks, but I feel better so maybe my lack of scale success is due to building muscle. I gave up pop for lent and that is helping a lot, I do miss it but I feel really good. I bought a crapload of lemons yesterday and have been drinking lemon water all day....lemon water is soooo much easier to drink than plain. I say this now, but I am going to try to continue with giving up pop even when lent is over with. I thought sticking to just one can a day was a good compromise, but I seriously feel so much better with none, and that's 150 calories a day I can put to better use. Besides, when I do get pregnant I'll have to give it up anyway.
I got my haircut the other day, I've been going to the same stylist since we moved back to this city about 4 years ago, so we chat and she knows we're TTC. She asked, "so no babies yet". I said no, but then decided to spill about my miscarriage. Turns out she had had one too, but she was 11 weeks along, which had to have been much tougher to deal with. She has the cutest little girl that is about 4, so she is living proof that good things can still happen...she also said everything happens for a reason and everything happens when it is supposed to. I know most of the girls on TB hate that saying, that it will happen when it is meant to be, but I believe it. I know that someday when I look into my child's eyes and instantly fall in love, it won't have mattered that it took 10 months or a year or longer to get pregnant, because if it had happened sooner, I wouldn't have them. It's hard to see reasons why when you're hurting, but eventually things make sense and everything falls into place. That's what I believe anyway.
Sadly there are many girls on TB that have experienced a sad loss, but my stylists was the first person I've ever talked to in real life that had one....I don't know, but it helped, I'm glad I talked to her about it.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Heartbreak
Since I didn't have an outlet to write about this at the time, I'll do it now. Along with my crazy irregular cycles, this past fall I experienced an 80 some odd day cycle and it was really getting me down. I basically stopped even trying for a few months because what was the point? With no period/ovulation I wasn't getting pregnant anytime soon. Sometime in late October/early November someone posted on TB about Maca root and how it had been reccommended to them by their RE. I did some googling and saw that many people had good luck with it to help their cycles and such, I figured what the hell.
I started taking it early November and within a few days I started feeling kind of crampy, so I thought oh good, maybe stuff is starting to work, maybe I'll get my period soon and I can end this God awful cycle. I still have no idea why, but one night a few weeks later I decided to use an OPK, I hadn't used them in forever, I really can't think of what spurred me on to use one. To my shock, it was positive. I had never seen a positive before so I must have stared at it for forever, showed it to my husband to make sure I wasn't crazy and he agreed it was positive.
I had no idea when I actually ovulated or if I did, but I decided I could just count 14 days from when we had sex and take a test. Since learning of what a chemical pregnancy was, I was terrified of testing too early and going through that pain. I always figured if I had one, I would rather just not know about it.
So the two weeks went by relatively fast, I was cramping quite a bit toward the end of that last week, but I still had hope since I know many women have reported period-like cramping and still getting their positive. I can't describe the feeling, but I just felt very strongly that I was pregnant. I had no other symptoms really, but somehow I just knew. I had planned to test that Saturday morning.... I needed to get up early anyway around 8, but I woke up at about 6:45 and just could not get back to sleep. I had had a dream that I had already tested and it was positive, so I was very antsy and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up to test.
As the test was working I was staring at it, and within 10 seconds I was devestated that I hadn't seen a line yet, really certain that I was pregnant and bummed that my feeling was wrong. A few minutes later I went to wash my hands when I looked again and holy crap....there was a faint line, but definitely visible. It was absolutely one of the most amazing moments in my life. Before I could even think, with shaking hands I dipped another test to make sure I wasn't crazy, but before that one could even begin to start working I pulled out the big guns, the digital. My hands shook even more and my heart was beating through my chest as I stood there, staring at that little blinking test symbol, waiting for the response.
I am not much of a "burst into tears" kinda girl. Yeah I get teary at sappy songs and commercials, but when I should cry I don't. I didn't cry when my husband proposed to me, not even close. But yet when that single word "pregnant" popped up, tears were not far away. Though I think I was just too emotional to cry, if that makes sense.....I was feeling so much joy, shock, fear, disbelief all at once that I almost threw up. It was still early, a little after 7. Ryan was still sleeping so I didn't want to wake him, but I didn't know what to do. I had all this nervous energy, I kept looking at the test. For a while I just sat on the couch and absorbed the information. Looking back it was kind of nice to be up that early, with this little secret that nobody else in the world knew, even for a little while.
Finally when it was going on 8 I decided to wake Ryan up. I was trying to think of something cute to do.....text him with the picture of the test and see how long it took for him to notice, write "I'm pregnant" on the dry erase board on the fridge. Finally I just settled on waking him up, telling him I had something for him and shoving the pee stick in his face (capped of course). It was dark in the room and he was half asleep so he was like what is it? I said through a smile, I'm pregnant! He was like you are? His reaction was a little less than what I had dreamed of, but hey he was half asleep, in shock......I was even still in shock and I had a pretty decent feeling all week that I was pregnant, so I gave him some slack seeing as how life altering this news was at 8am when you're half asleep.
I probably wouldn't have told quite so soon, but I just happaned to be going shopping with my best friend that day, and I honestly don't think wild horses could have kept my mouth shut. I could barely stand the 20 minute drive to her house. When I got there she was still getting ready so I played with her son, not wanting to just shout out the words the second I walked in the door. So she got ready and once we got in her car and she got her son all bucked in, I took a deep breathe and said well.....I'm pregnant!
I can't even describe the words/sounds that came out of her mouth. It was kind of an oh.....oh...ohhhhhhh.....excited oh's of course. She was like oh my God and was just laughing. It's funny, we had been trying for 7 months at that point, and she knew this of course but for whatever reason it's still so shocking. Her son was just sitting in the back sit with the big smile on his face, colored with confusion. He knew his mommy was really happy about something, so he was really happy but you could tell he just had no idea why he was happy, lol.
The next few days were pretty crazy but also scary. I was really tired, whether this was a phantom symptom or not I don't know, but I sure did have a few good naps. I didn't work out at all even though I knew I should, but I suddenly felt as if I was so breakable, like even walking could damage me. I was very happy and it was killing me not to tell more people, but we were just three weeks away from Christmas...I couldn't believe my luck of getting pregnant just in time to announce on Christmas morning. My brother would be home for Christmas so I had planned on telling him the week before as I think each person should kind of get their own moment to bask in the news that they're going to be an uncle or a grandpa, etc.
I was soooooo excited to be able to tell my dad. It would have been his first grandchild, and when I say this man is starved for a grandkid that is a huge understatement. I know he seriously didn't really want me to have kids until I was married and financially stable, but he has seriously been bugging me to have kids since I was like 20. Or rather, to hurry up and settle down so I could have kids. When we announced that we were engaged, I don't think he was all that excited about the idea of me getting married, but it meant that I could have kids soon, so yay! I've always wanted to be a mother and I can't wait to have kids, but one of the biggest things about having a kid that I have always looked forward to was to tell my dad he was going to be a grandpa and to see the look on his face. Especially since he doesn't know we're trying and I always avoid the "when are you going to have kids" comments.
I had already bought my dad's christmas present, so the plan was to give that to him and then when all the hoopla of present opening was finished I was going to be like oh wait you have one more. We were going to find some incognito way of videotaping it....his second "present" was a picture frame that said #1 Grandpa on it and inside I put a piece of paper that said Picturing Coming Soon, August 2012. We had the same for my inlaws, a Nana and Papa frame for each of them.
In fact I still have that in the frames.....I can't even bear to look at it or take it out and I'm not going to until I have a new "picturing coming soon" sign to put in it. I ended up telling my friend at work, I wasn't going to but I needed someone to talk to. I also told another friend, though by the time I told her my fears I was already having were turning into legitimate concerns.
I don't know where the fear came from initially.....I mean yeah I've always known pregnancy is never a sure thing and that is why people don't tell a lot of people right away due to the risks in the first trimester. But until I started posting on TB, I had never really known anyone personally that had had a miscarriage. But on TB it's a weekly, sometimes daily occurence. They happily announce their BFP, but then come back a few days or weeks later, heartbroken.
I am not sure if that is where my fear came from, by just seeing how common early losses were....or if like my "intuition" that told me I was pregnant, I was also experiencing an intutiion that all was not well. It certainly didn't help that I was still cramping. I tried to tell myself that my body was making changes, making room for the little peanut, so of course cramps made sense. But each day they seemed to get more intense and more frequent. By Monday the cramps were so intense I literally feared going to the bathroom each time, scared to death of seeing blood.
My fear was realized Tuesday night....I was in bed reading and was just about to go to sleep when I decided to use the bathroom first....the cramps still there. I gave a sigh of relief when I saw no blood, but then my heart stopped when there was light pink on the toilet paper. I tried to tell myself that spotting can be very normal, some women spot their entire pregnancy and give birth to a perfectly healthy baby, but that didn't stop my fears and I went to bed with a very heavy heart. The next morning Ryan was already in the shower when I got up, and when I used the bathroom the same pink was on the toilet paper but this time the water in the toilet was bright red. Ryan had been talking to me and stuck his head out the curtain when I stopped answering him.....with a shaky voice and tears in my eyes I told him there was blood.
He was amazing, very calmly he told me not to worry, everything could still be fine. I knew he was right, but again inside, I just knew it wasn't fine. I decided then and there to call off work, knowing I couldn't handle being there with all this worry, especially if the bleeding got worse. Within a few hours the bleeding was like the start of a normal period....I already had my first doctor's appointment scheduled for the following week, so I called the office, told them what was happening. The nurse advised me to go to the ER and they could do an ultrasound to see what was going on. The second I hung up the phone I burst into tears and cried like a baby for what seemed like forever.
I spent the rest of the day crying on and off and sleeping. I decided against the ER...I didn't want to go by myself and Ryan was a few hours away on a job site. Going to the ER wouldn't make me feel emotionally any better, and physically there was really nothing they could do for me either so it didn't make sense to make him come home early to take me. By the time he got home I decided against it for all the same reasons I listed above. I was worried about Ryan though, he seemed oddly unfazed by the whole thing, almost as if he still had hope. I tried to tell him I was bleeding a lot and the cramps were still there, I just had no hope left that this coule be normal at all. And despite the fact that he was going to keep quiet at work, he chose that day to tell his boss. It broke my heart when he said he told his boss "I'm going to be a daddy".
He continued to worry me a few days later when he voluntarily cleaned the litterbox, since upon finding out I was pregnant it was now his job. When I asked him though, he did say he knew it was over but he remained very upbeat and optimistic about it. In some ways this hurt a lot.....aside from the first and second day I did pretty well...but I still had moments of sadness. One day about a week later I bawled almost the entire way home from work and then was just blah all night. Ryan didn't understand why....his attitude was just well, we'll try again. That kind of hurt because he wasn't understanding, and therefore wasn't empathetic to my pain. I know we both lost it, but I think it can definitely be harder for the woman. I don't care what anyone says, the moment you see those two pink lines, you fall in love. Even though you cannot see, hear or really feel anything yet, you know it's there.
There is also the worry that maybe I did something wrong. That Maca I had been taking which I believed helped get me pregnant....the nurse told me over the phone when I found out to stop taking that and another OTC vitamin I had been taking. What if whatever in it helped me get pregnant, also caused me to miscarriage when that vital ingrediant was no longer there. That's probably pretty irrational...many women take fertility drugs to help get pregnant and I am certain they don't keep taking them once pregnant....and early miscarriage is sadly very common. But I can't help thinking that way. And finally my most irrational thought was did I will this to happen? Unlike jinxing, I worried that I thought so negatively for the full 4 days I was pregnant, that maybe I caused it to happen. Ridiculous I know.
And finally, regardless of any bond I may or may not have felt, even if I did nothing at all to cause it, I was devestated over the simple fact that I had the one thing I really wanted and it was taken away from me. In 9 months I wouldn't have a baby, in three weeks I wouldn't get to make my dad the happiest guy on earth, and I couldn't spend the next greater part of the year preparing for a little baby. I felt pretty alone...I mean yeah Ryan tried, but he really couldn't support me the way I needed him to at the moment. I think if, God forbid, I would have been further along and was showing or we had seen the heartbeat he would have felt more of a connection and therefore a loss, but he just wasn't feeling what I was feeling. He was sad and dissapointed, but he didn't understand my tears and sad nights.
However Ryan's upbeat attitude also helped me "get over" quicker, for lack of a better term. I don't want to in any way deny that what I went through was heartbreaking, especially if anyone else that experienced it were to ever read this. I do believe a loss is a loss and should therefore be mourned as such. However, I don't believe all losses are comparable to one another. Yes I was devestated, but I won't for one second believe that what I went through was the same as someone who experiences a loss at 8 weeks or 16 weeks or what have you. So I was glad that Ryan's optimism kept me from being really sad about it for an extended period of time. I accept that I experienced a loss and that I should be sad....even now I get sad sometimes when I think about the fact that I would have been about 14 weeks along by now and would have likely announced it to everyone. I get sad thinking about the crappy Christmas I had, rather than the wonderful one I should have had by getting to celebrate with our families over the new addition that would have been joining us. However, I don't think it's necessarily healthy to be seriously depressed for weeks on end over a very early loss and if Ryan had been very sad, or even worse somehow blamed me for it, I could see myself being more serverely depressed for a lot longer than I was.
I never did tell my family....I wanted to on several occasions. My grandma called the day it happaned, but I just let it go to voicemail. I knew if I heard her loving familiar voice I would burst into tears and then I would have to tell her so she wouldn't go crazy wondering what was wrong. I also talked to my brother on facebook that day....again dying to tell him just to get some support. I knew he wouldn't tell anyone if I asked him not to, but then I realized that wasn't really the issue. Why break anyone else's heart when they didn't know in the first place? One day when we get our positive again I might tell....just because A. they are my family and love me and will support me, but also because I know I will be scared shitless the second time around. If I thought I felt fragile then I am sure I will feel even worse..
I really hope I can be excited when it happens for us again. I don't want this experience to take away the joy of being pregnant. Pregnancy should be an amazing time in my life and I want to be able to enjoy it, not dread every second of it, waiting for the worst to happen. The rational side of me knows that worrying does no good, and in fact can cause undue stress. I worried for the entire four days I was pregnant and I lost it anyway, and it wasn't any easier to accept, I was still crushed. I hope I can manage a fine balance between cautious (ie not screaming from the rooftops to everyone the moment we find out) but not worrying to the point where I am in constant fear.
We are now on the second cycle since the loss, and my periods are apparently still very messed up. My first period after the loss was nothing more than brown spotting, but it lasted the usual 4-5 days and was when I thought I should be due, so I counted it. I am now on CD46 I believe, with no end in sight. I'm hoping for another miracle, in which I just sporadically discover I am about to ovulate, the stars align just right and we get preganant, though with our sticky baby this time. I know he or she is out there and I am trying to be patient. I know that when it does happen and I look into their eyes for the first time, suddenly nothing will matter. I won't care how long it took because only the right timing could give us OUR baby....but I'm still hoping it doesn't take too much longer.
I started taking it early November and within a few days I started feeling kind of crampy, so I thought oh good, maybe stuff is starting to work, maybe I'll get my period soon and I can end this God awful cycle. I still have no idea why, but one night a few weeks later I decided to use an OPK, I hadn't used them in forever, I really can't think of what spurred me on to use one. To my shock, it was positive. I had never seen a positive before so I must have stared at it for forever, showed it to my husband to make sure I wasn't crazy and he agreed it was positive.
I had no idea when I actually ovulated or if I did, but I decided I could just count 14 days from when we had sex and take a test. Since learning of what a chemical pregnancy was, I was terrified of testing too early and going through that pain. I always figured if I had one, I would rather just not know about it.
So the two weeks went by relatively fast, I was cramping quite a bit toward the end of that last week, but I still had hope since I know many women have reported period-like cramping and still getting their positive. I can't describe the feeling, but I just felt very strongly that I was pregnant. I had no other symptoms really, but somehow I just knew. I had planned to test that Saturday morning.... I needed to get up early anyway around 8, but I woke up at about 6:45 and just could not get back to sleep. I had had a dream that I had already tested and it was positive, so I was very antsy and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up to test.
As the test was working I was staring at it, and within 10 seconds I was devestated that I hadn't seen a line yet, really certain that I was pregnant and bummed that my feeling was wrong. A few minutes later I went to wash my hands when I looked again and holy crap....there was a faint line, but definitely visible. It was absolutely one of the most amazing moments in my life. Before I could even think, with shaking hands I dipped another test to make sure I wasn't crazy, but before that one could even begin to start working I pulled out the big guns, the digital. My hands shook even more and my heart was beating through my chest as I stood there, staring at that little blinking test symbol, waiting for the response.
I am not much of a "burst into tears" kinda girl. Yeah I get teary at sappy songs and commercials, but when I should cry I don't. I didn't cry when my husband proposed to me, not even close. But yet when that single word "pregnant" popped up, tears were not far away. Though I think I was just too emotional to cry, if that makes sense.....I was feeling so much joy, shock, fear, disbelief all at once that I almost threw up. It was still early, a little after 7. Ryan was still sleeping so I didn't want to wake him, but I didn't know what to do. I had all this nervous energy, I kept looking at the test. For a while I just sat on the couch and absorbed the information. Looking back it was kind of nice to be up that early, with this little secret that nobody else in the world knew, even for a little while.
Finally when it was going on 8 I decided to wake Ryan up. I was trying to think of something cute to do.....text him with the picture of the test and see how long it took for him to notice, write "I'm pregnant" on the dry erase board on the fridge. Finally I just settled on waking him up, telling him I had something for him and shoving the pee stick in his face (capped of course). It was dark in the room and he was half asleep so he was like what is it? I said through a smile, I'm pregnant! He was like you are? His reaction was a little less than what I had dreamed of, but hey he was half asleep, in shock......I was even still in shock and I had a pretty decent feeling all week that I was pregnant, so I gave him some slack seeing as how life altering this news was at 8am when you're half asleep.
I probably wouldn't have told quite so soon, but I just happaned to be going shopping with my best friend that day, and I honestly don't think wild horses could have kept my mouth shut. I could barely stand the 20 minute drive to her house. When I got there she was still getting ready so I played with her son, not wanting to just shout out the words the second I walked in the door. So she got ready and once we got in her car and she got her son all bucked in, I took a deep breathe and said well.....I'm pregnant!
I can't even describe the words/sounds that came out of her mouth. It was kind of an oh.....oh...ohhhhhhh.....excited oh's of course. She was like oh my God and was just laughing. It's funny, we had been trying for 7 months at that point, and she knew this of course but for whatever reason it's still so shocking. Her son was just sitting in the back sit with the big smile on his face, colored with confusion. He knew his mommy was really happy about something, so he was really happy but you could tell he just had no idea why he was happy, lol.
The next few days were pretty crazy but also scary. I was really tired, whether this was a phantom symptom or not I don't know, but I sure did have a few good naps. I didn't work out at all even though I knew I should, but I suddenly felt as if I was so breakable, like even walking could damage me. I was very happy and it was killing me not to tell more people, but we were just three weeks away from Christmas...I couldn't believe my luck of getting pregnant just in time to announce on Christmas morning. My brother would be home for Christmas so I had planned on telling him the week before as I think each person should kind of get their own moment to bask in the news that they're going to be an uncle or a grandpa, etc.
I was soooooo excited to be able to tell my dad. It would have been his first grandchild, and when I say this man is starved for a grandkid that is a huge understatement. I know he seriously didn't really want me to have kids until I was married and financially stable, but he has seriously been bugging me to have kids since I was like 20. Or rather, to hurry up and settle down so I could have kids. When we announced that we were engaged, I don't think he was all that excited about the idea of me getting married, but it meant that I could have kids soon, so yay! I've always wanted to be a mother and I can't wait to have kids, but one of the biggest things about having a kid that I have always looked forward to was to tell my dad he was going to be a grandpa and to see the look on his face. Especially since he doesn't know we're trying and I always avoid the "when are you going to have kids" comments.
I had already bought my dad's christmas present, so the plan was to give that to him and then when all the hoopla of present opening was finished I was going to be like oh wait you have one more. We were going to find some incognito way of videotaping it....his second "present" was a picture frame that said #1 Grandpa on it and inside I put a piece of paper that said Picturing Coming Soon, August 2012. We had the same for my inlaws, a Nana and Papa frame for each of them.
In fact I still have that in the frames.....I can't even bear to look at it or take it out and I'm not going to until I have a new "picturing coming soon" sign to put in it. I ended up telling my friend at work, I wasn't going to but I needed someone to talk to. I also told another friend, though by the time I told her my fears I was already having were turning into legitimate concerns.
I don't know where the fear came from initially.....I mean yeah I've always known pregnancy is never a sure thing and that is why people don't tell a lot of people right away due to the risks in the first trimester. But until I started posting on TB, I had never really known anyone personally that had had a miscarriage. But on TB it's a weekly, sometimes daily occurence. They happily announce their BFP, but then come back a few days or weeks later, heartbroken.
I am not sure if that is where my fear came from, by just seeing how common early losses were....or if like my "intuition" that told me I was pregnant, I was also experiencing an intutiion that all was not well. It certainly didn't help that I was still cramping. I tried to tell myself that my body was making changes, making room for the little peanut, so of course cramps made sense. But each day they seemed to get more intense and more frequent. By Monday the cramps were so intense I literally feared going to the bathroom each time, scared to death of seeing blood.
My fear was realized Tuesday night....I was in bed reading and was just about to go to sleep when I decided to use the bathroom first....the cramps still there. I gave a sigh of relief when I saw no blood, but then my heart stopped when there was light pink on the toilet paper. I tried to tell myself that spotting can be very normal, some women spot their entire pregnancy and give birth to a perfectly healthy baby, but that didn't stop my fears and I went to bed with a very heavy heart. The next morning Ryan was already in the shower when I got up, and when I used the bathroom the same pink was on the toilet paper but this time the water in the toilet was bright red. Ryan had been talking to me and stuck his head out the curtain when I stopped answering him.....with a shaky voice and tears in my eyes I told him there was blood.
He was amazing, very calmly he told me not to worry, everything could still be fine. I knew he was right, but again inside, I just knew it wasn't fine. I decided then and there to call off work, knowing I couldn't handle being there with all this worry, especially if the bleeding got worse. Within a few hours the bleeding was like the start of a normal period....I already had my first doctor's appointment scheduled for the following week, so I called the office, told them what was happening. The nurse advised me to go to the ER and they could do an ultrasound to see what was going on. The second I hung up the phone I burst into tears and cried like a baby for what seemed like forever.
I spent the rest of the day crying on and off and sleeping. I decided against the ER...I didn't want to go by myself and Ryan was a few hours away on a job site. Going to the ER wouldn't make me feel emotionally any better, and physically there was really nothing they could do for me either so it didn't make sense to make him come home early to take me. By the time he got home I decided against it for all the same reasons I listed above. I was worried about Ryan though, he seemed oddly unfazed by the whole thing, almost as if he still had hope. I tried to tell him I was bleeding a lot and the cramps were still there, I just had no hope left that this coule be normal at all. And despite the fact that he was going to keep quiet at work, he chose that day to tell his boss. It broke my heart when he said he told his boss "I'm going to be a daddy".
He continued to worry me a few days later when he voluntarily cleaned the litterbox, since upon finding out I was pregnant it was now his job. When I asked him though, he did say he knew it was over but he remained very upbeat and optimistic about it. In some ways this hurt a lot.....aside from the first and second day I did pretty well...but I still had moments of sadness. One day about a week later I bawled almost the entire way home from work and then was just blah all night. Ryan didn't understand why....his attitude was just well, we'll try again. That kind of hurt because he wasn't understanding, and therefore wasn't empathetic to my pain. I know we both lost it, but I think it can definitely be harder for the woman. I don't care what anyone says, the moment you see those two pink lines, you fall in love. Even though you cannot see, hear or really feel anything yet, you know it's there.
There is also the worry that maybe I did something wrong. That Maca I had been taking which I believed helped get me pregnant....the nurse told me over the phone when I found out to stop taking that and another OTC vitamin I had been taking. What if whatever in it helped me get pregnant, also caused me to miscarriage when that vital ingrediant was no longer there. That's probably pretty irrational...many women take fertility drugs to help get pregnant and I am certain they don't keep taking them once pregnant....and early miscarriage is sadly very common. But I can't help thinking that way. And finally my most irrational thought was did I will this to happen? Unlike jinxing, I worried that I thought so negatively for the full 4 days I was pregnant, that maybe I caused it to happen. Ridiculous I know.
And finally, regardless of any bond I may or may not have felt, even if I did nothing at all to cause it, I was devestated over the simple fact that I had the one thing I really wanted and it was taken away from me. In 9 months I wouldn't have a baby, in three weeks I wouldn't get to make my dad the happiest guy on earth, and I couldn't spend the next greater part of the year preparing for a little baby. I felt pretty alone...I mean yeah Ryan tried, but he really couldn't support me the way I needed him to at the moment. I think if, God forbid, I would have been further along and was showing or we had seen the heartbeat he would have felt more of a connection and therefore a loss, but he just wasn't feeling what I was feeling. He was sad and dissapointed, but he didn't understand my tears and sad nights.
However Ryan's upbeat attitude also helped me "get over" quicker, for lack of a better term. I don't want to in any way deny that what I went through was heartbreaking, especially if anyone else that experienced it were to ever read this. I do believe a loss is a loss and should therefore be mourned as such. However, I don't believe all losses are comparable to one another. Yes I was devestated, but I won't for one second believe that what I went through was the same as someone who experiences a loss at 8 weeks or 16 weeks or what have you. So I was glad that Ryan's optimism kept me from being really sad about it for an extended period of time. I accept that I experienced a loss and that I should be sad....even now I get sad sometimes when I think about the fact that I would have been about 14 weeks along by now and would have likely announced it to everyone. I get sad thinking about the crappy Christmas I had, rather than the wonderful one I should have had by getting to celebrate with our families over the new addition that would have been joining us. However, I don't think it's necessarily healthy to be seriously depressed for weeks on end over a very early loss and if Ryan had been very sad, or even worse somehow blamed me for it, I could see myself being more serverely depressed for a lot longer than I was.
I never did tell my family....I wanted to on several occasions. My grandma called the day it happaned, but I just let it go to voicemail. I knew if I heard her loving familiar voice I would burst into tears and then I would have to tell her so she wouldn't go crazy wondering what was wrong. I also talked to my brother on facebook that day....again dying to tell him just to get some support. I knew he wouldn't tell anyone if I asked him not to, but then I realized that wasn't really the issue. Why break anyone else's heart when they didn't know in the first place? One day when we get our positive again I might tell....just because A. they are my family and love me and will support me, but also because I know I will be scared shitless the second time around. If I thought I felt fragile then I am sure I will feel even worse..
I really hope I can be excited when it happens for us again. I don't want this experience to take away the joy of being pregnant. Pregnancy should be an amazing time in my life and I want to be able to enjoy it, not dread every second of it, waiting for the worst to happen. The rational side of me knows that worrying does no good, and in fact can cause undue stress. I worried for the entire four days I was pregnant and I lost it anyway, and it wasn't any easier to accept, I was still crushed. I hope I can manage a fine balance between cautious (ie not screaming from the rooftops to everyone the moment we find out) but not worrying to the point where I am in constant fear.
We are now on the second cycle since the loss, and my periods are apparently still very messed up. My first period after the loss was nothing more than brown spotting, but it lasted the usual 4-5 days and was when I thought I should be due, so I counted it. I am now on CD46 I believe, with no end in sight. I'm hoping for another miracle, in which I just sporadically discover I am about to ovulate, the stars align just right and we get preganant, though with our sticky baby this time. I know he or she is out there and I am trying to be patient. I know that when it does happen and I look into their eyes for the first time, suddenly nothing will matter. I won't care how long it took because only the right timing could give us OUR baby....but I'm still hoping it doesn't take too much longer.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Background
Not too many people know we're TTC, and I think my husband might flip out if I tell him about one more negative OPK or make plans for our mythical little one. I needed a place to talk about it, that people who know me won't be in on our little secret. Though really, we've been married for over a year and we're both in our early 30's, I am sure it's not that big of a secret.
We've been trying for almost 10 months. It's funny, before we started trying, I remember thinking that I would be fine with it if we got pregnant anytime within the year. I think we were barely into month #2 before impatience began to set in. Funny how your perspective on things can change so quickly. The rational part of me doesn't regret not trying sooner. My husband wanted to start trying as soon as we were married, but if I had gotten pregnant right away, I would have delivered before I was done with grad school. That last four months was really stressful and busy, I have no idea how I would have gotten decent grades, much less even finish if I were in my third trimester, delivered and then had to take care of a newborn.
Now, after 10 months of trying and no success, the idea that we could have gotten pregnant right away had we started trying right after the wedding sounds kind of ridiculous, but you never know. That is the way the world works, since it wouldn't have been 100% ideal, it would have happaned. So yeah, I can't say I regret it, but I guess I wish we could have been in the situation to have been ready sooner. I know that six months probably wouldn't have made a huge difference, but I started gaining weight back after the wedding. It seems like the very month we started trying, I had gained back enough weight for it to start affecting my cycles and suddenly they were nuts. So yeah, with more regular cycles its a lot more likely I would have gotten pregnant in that six months.
I know many women, even with regular cycles can still have a hard time getting pregnant. But still, I'm very jealous of the women that have 28-32 day regular cycles. They can see that they are ovulating, and even when they get BFN month after month, they can quickly start a new cycle and try again. I am currently on CD42...I gave up temping this cycle because I was sick and my temps were all over the place. So I have no idea if I ovulated or if I still might. Who knows how long this cycle will go on for. I think I would feel immensely better if I could just have short, more regular cycles. Though it does make me feel better to know that regular cycles are possible if I can just get some control over my weight. When I was skinnier I could set my watch by my period.....so obviously regular cycles are in the realm of possibility for me.
We've been trying for almost 10 months. It's funny, before we started trying, I remember thinking that I would be fine with it if we got pregnant anytime within the year. I think we were barely into month #2 before impatience began to set in. Funny how your perspective on things can change so quickly. The rational part of me doesn't regret not trying sooner. My husband wanted to start trying as soon as we were married, but if I had gotten pregnant right away, I would have delivered before I was done with grad school. That last four months was really stressful and busy, I have no idea how I would have gotten decent grades, much less even finish if I were in my third trimester, delivered and then had to take care of a newborn.
Now, after 10 months of trying and no success, the idea that we could have gotten pregnant right away had we started trying right after the wedding sounds kind of ridiculous, but you never know. That is the way the world works, since it wouldn't have been 100% ideal, it would have happaned. So yeah, I can't say I regret it, but I guess I wish we could have been in the situation to have been ready sooner. I know that six months probably wouldn't have made a huge difference, but I started gaining weight back after the wedding. It seems like the very month we started trying, I had gained back enough weight for it to start affecting my cycles and suddenly they were nuts. So yeah, with more regular cycles its a lot more likely I would have gotten pregnant in that six months.
I know many women, even with regular cycles can still have a hard time getting pregnant. But still, I'm very jealous of the women that have 28-32 day regular cycles. They can see that they are ovulating, and even when they get BFN month after month, they can quickly start a new cycle and try again. I am currently on CD42...I gave up temping this cycle because I was sick and my temps were all over the place. So I have no idea if I ovulated or if I still might. Who knows how long this cycle will go on for. I think I would feel immensely better if I could just have short, more regular cycles. Though it does make me feel better to know that regular cycles are possible if I can just get some control over my weight. When I was skinnier I could set my watch by my period.....so obviously regular cycles are in the realm of possibility for me.
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