Thankful Thursdays- 11 wks 1 day (angel pictures below)

 *** Below is a picture of my angel, if you think seeing her will be upsetting, please bypass this entry***

I just wanted to take a minute from my bitching and whining to talk about a few things I am thankful for.  I know this pregnancy started out with a bang and some scary things.  The bleeding, and then the shakey betas, and having the super early ultrasound and only seeing the sack, and then my trip to the ER.

But by this point in my pregnancy with Kayla, I was approaching my fourth episode of bleeding.  In a perfect world I would have no bleeding, but it was definitely better to have the bleeding very early on than have to deal with it every few weeks and into the second trimester.  I still have moments of course, and my real worry will start in several weeks, but I am so thankful to not have the worry of the constant bleeding this time.

I hate being high risk, but I am so thankful for my doctors and the excellent care that I have and will receive.  It's very stressful to worry about what my cervix might do, but I do feel like I am in the best care that I can get, and I know my doctors all truly care about me and Boo's well-being and will make sure everything is done to get him or her here safely.

Finally, I am thankful for this website I found.  It's called babyangelpic.com, and it's a digital studio sponsoring The Angel Pics project.  They retouch up to two pictures per person, completely for free.  They do ask that only babies born at 33 weeks gestation or higher be submitted, and Kayla was born at 22.  But I figured it was worth a shot, the worst they could say is no we can't do it.  So I submitted her picture late last night, and it was finished tonight.  I'm very happy with it, it's so beautiful and my precious baby totally looks like she's just off in dreamland.  They did have to change her nose a tiny bit and maybe her mouth a little, but the bruising is completely gone and I'm so happy to have a picture of my baby that doesn't remind me of what pain she may have been in.  We've always planned to tell Boo, and any other children we have, about Kayla.  But it never dawned on me before that it would be difficult to show a young child most of her pictures.  But this is definitely a picture we can share with future children.

Here is the orginal picture we submitted.

Here is the retouched one

Put the lime in the coconut- 11 wks

Boo is a lime.  It's so crazy to think in just 8 weeks time he went from a poppyseed to a lime.  That's crazy.  I can definitely feel second tri approaching, I was nauseous last night but I went from being nauseated almost everyday, to just every few days and I haven't thrown up in about 2 weeks.  The fatigue is different everyday though.  I am not as tired as I used to be everyday, but some days I feel just as tired, whereas the next day I feel great, no nodding off at work and I don't need a nap in the evening.  Though every morning I want to murder my alarm clock.

My labs came back today, my kidneys are great, I am negative for all STIs, and I am not anemic.  However my bloodsugar was high, but this is not a surprise at all.  I was already planning on doing my one hour glucose on Saturday.  I usually go to the lab closer to my house, but I think I might just go to the hospital's lab.  It's a bit of a longer drive, and I have to use a parking pass, but they have a much roomier waiting room.  For the one hour I doubt they would give me special accomodations for like the three hour, so it sounds more appealing to wait in a big waiting room, rather than be shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of strangers at the smaller one.  I'm trying to talk my husband into coming with me and we can go on a date to the hospital cafeteria.

You know you spend too much time at the hospital when you look forward going to the cafeteria.  But speaking of, once my cerclage is done I am excited about getting food delivered to me.  I'll have to chill for a while until I can feel my legs again before I can go home, and I won't have eaten since before midnight the night before, so they'll have to feed me after.  I'm stupidly excited about this....maybe someone can bring me some outside food.

Is it Friday yet?- 10 wks 6 days

I'm a dork, switching my new pregnancy weeks to Friday was driving me crazy, so I switched back to Wednesdays.  I'll just wait until I get my official measurement and due date at my NT scan, which is what I should have done in the first place.

Today was definitely a "should have stayed in bed day".  I'm so tired my eyelids litterally hurt, they just want to close and I can't stop yawning.  I was so happy to hear thunder this morning....a sunny day with birds chirping just didn't match my mood this morning.  Though a nice yucky rainy day makes it an even nicer stay in bed day.

I was talking to a friend last night and we talked about my loss a little...I should know better than to talk to certain people about it since she's said something before that rubbed me the wrong way.  So last night she sent me a little computer postcard thing saying "God leads you to where you're supposed to be, not where you want to be", and then said she firmly believes that everything happens for a reason.

Ok, I get that people are desperately trying to find something to say to make me feel better.  And a part of me feels guilty for being upset because I KNOW she doesn't mean to hurt me and I know she is just trying to comfort me.  But I will never understand why people think those things actually help.  There's so many things one can say, like just I'm sorry, I hate that you're going through this, I wish I could help you, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, etc.  You can find silver linings in an older person's death....they're not suffering anymore, they lived a good long life, etc.  But there is never any solace in a child dying.  Even if it ended any suffering they were in, why did they have to suffer to begin with?

I mean, does anyone really say, oh well, there is a reason why my daughter died....I don't know it, and I may never know it, but there is one so that makes me feel better.  No!  Just no.  And no matter how much I love Boo, and no matter how much I will not be able to imagine my life without him or her, I will NEVER ever be happy, or glad, or even accepting of losing Kayla.  It doesn't make any sense to me why a life is created, only for it to live for 22 weeks in utero, there is no reason for that.

But like I said, I should have known better, there are some people that understand that I can talk to, and some I just can't.  Though it still baffles me....I get that you can't really understand something until you've walked in their shoes, but even before I went through it, I knew that going through a stillbirth must be one of the hardest things ever.  Just like, I've never experienced the death of a living child, but I would never tell a bereaved parent that it was meant to be, or that everything happens for a reason, or that they should be thankful they have their other children.  That's one of the reasons I want to keep this pregnancy under wraps for a while because I am afraid someone will make some kind of statement implying that everything is ok because we have another baby on the way.

Of course we're thrilled and love Boo, but they aren't a replacement, and we aren't automatically cured of our grief because we are pregnant again.  I'm willing to bet that someone will say something like that when they find out about my pregnancy.  I'm just waiting for it.  And if it happens, I'm going to rip them a new one.

Makeover- 10 wks 3 days

Hey all, yes you're in the right place.  I decided my blog needed a make over.  I've played around with the design a little for the past few weeks but I am very happy with this new one.  I felt like my old design and title was too la la la, happy go-lucky.  And the past year or so, my blog has been anything but happy go-lucky.  I felt like it was too hopeful and naive....not that we're not hopeful, but our hearts are very guarded.  I think my new title perfectly describes how we're feeling right now.  It's been five months on Saturday since we lost Kayla.  The initial, gut-wrenching grief has passed (though it still comes up at the most unexpected times) and Kayla not being in our lives has become the new normal.  The high winds, beating rains, thunder and lightening have subsided for now, and we're just hoping and praying there is nothing on the horizon, but a beautiful rainbow.

So we went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday; for those that don't have one around them or have never been, it's a little village basically set back in the Renaissance days.  It's only open on the weekends for part of August and September.  Think Kings and queens, jousting, wenches....there's lots of different food like my husband'a beloved Scotch Eggs (a hard boiled egg fried in a shell of sausage, ie vomit inducing food to me), lots of beer, giant turkey leggs to knaw on and thankfully soft pretzels and the like for me. 

I did try my first ever deep fried twinkie....um, no thanks.  I can now say I've tried one and I will never have one again.  Totally not worth the calories.  So many people really get into the festival and dress up as their favorite Renaissance era character.  However some people just use it as an excuse to dress weird, which makes for great people watching.  Lots of princesses and fairies, some cat-people that I cannot remember the name of, and some people I don't know what the heck they were supposed to be.  There was even a Shrek, he was my favorite. 

So we walked around a little, we ate some, Ryan drank beer and I smelled it and dreamed.  I am NOT a big drinker anymore at all, but whenever I am pregnant beer smells so good to me.  I am not sure if it just becomes a weird craving, or if it all has to do with the fact that I can't have it, so I want it.  I did take two tiny sips of his and they were yummy.  I even liked his one IPA.  So strange, I normally hate IPAs, so I don't know if it was just a really good one, or if it's again a weird pregnancy thing.  We sat and watched a joust which was entertaining.  We were sitting in the blazing sun for about an hour and dummy me forgot sunscreen again.  But amazingly I did not burn, I did however add to my already awesome farmers' tan.

I was shocked at how many other pregnant women I saw; we must have seen at least 10.  Too bad I still just look fat instead of pregnant.  I'm not in a huge rush to start showing for the sake of showing, but I am anxious for my tummy to start rounding out and looking like a pregnant belly instead of an "I ate too many ho ho's" tummy.  I couldn't believe how tired I was when we got home though, thankfully I wore my running shoes and my maternity jeans.  So comfy.

Speaking of running, I decided I am going to sign up for a 5K for next September that will serve as my motivation to lose weight after Boo is born.  I doubt I will have much to lose from this pregnancy.  When Kayla was born at 22 weeks I had only gained 4 pounds and that all came off  with her so it was likely all her, fluid and placenta.  So far I've lost 5 pounds since I got my positive and I hope to lose a little more when I get serious about the GD diet. 

But I definitely went into both pregnancies at a much higher weight than I ever intended to.  A few years ago I got very serious about losing weight, I ate better and I worked out and lost 50 pounds.  I felt amazing, I looked amazing.  I still had some weight to lose, but if I could get back down to that weight after Boo I would be so happy.  I don't know if another baby will be in the works after Boo, but if we do decide to have another, I would love to go though it at a healthier weight.  I know GD isn't all about weight, I could lose a ton of weight and still get diabetes when pregnant just because of the way the hormones intereact with my ability to produce insulin.  But it sure would be nice to lower the risk.  Some of it is vanity though....I would love to go from no belly, to baby belly, instead of my already belly just forming into a baby belly.

Losing weight and sticking to a regimen is HARD, and I am sure will be even harder with a baby.  But I'm sick of feeling crappy and looking crappy.  I miss being thinner and of course I have a very big reason to get healthier.  So I'm really excited to have the 5K as a goal to get in shape for.  I think six months is a good goal, and since Boo is due toward the end of March, it won't be long till the weather gets nice and we can head out for walks in the stroller.  I eventually starting riding my bike, but when I first started losing weight a few years ago, walking 4-5 times a week for 30-60 minutes was ALL I did and the weight just fell off.  In fact, we were just talking yesterday about getting a jogging stroller.  We had a regular one picked out the last time we registered, but I think we'll be happier with a jogging one.  We can, well, jog with it, especially since Ryan has gotten into running 5Ks this last year.  And we saw a lot of people struggling with their small tire strollers at the festival.  The ground was really uneven and rocky in some spots, so it would be nice to have a stroller that can handle all types of terrain. 

Well, as much as I wish I could delay the inevitable, staying up late is not going to keep Monday morning from coming, so I guess I am off to bed.  I have to get up earlier as it is and swing by the hospital to drop off my pee jug, yay.

A prune- 10 wks

Double digits today!!  Boo is now the size of a prune.  I can't wait to get home and take my weekly picture, even though I am not showing yet.  I LOVE having my weekly pics from Kayla.  I think I need to get a full length mirror for the back of the nursery door.  Since the room is done now, I had set up the tripod in the nursery so I could have a clean room to take my pics in (our room is a tad bit messy, I decided I don't want piles of my clothes in the backgrounds this time).  But for some reason I look better in the cell phone pics.  Maybe I freeze up while waiting for the self timer thing to go off on my regular camera.

I've been dying for my new pregnancy week to start, since it got delayed by two days becase the u/s showed I am measuring two days behind.  But with Kayla I never had a 9-10 week u/s so I probably should have just kept the due date I calculated until I get my official one at my NT scan.  Oh well, I'm not going back now.  So now it's March 21st....we're creeping very close to Kayla's angelversary.  What would be the freaking odds if Boo is born on the exact same day?  And weirder still, my inlaws will have 8 grandkids and that would make 3 of them born on the same day.

I wore a maternity shirt to work today.  It's the kind with the roushing on the side, so no one can tell, or at least I hope not.   I kind of like having this little secret at work; I am in no rush to tell.  I have my three close friends (and my boss) that know at work and that's it, and I know they won't tell anyone.  I'm really curious how long I can keep it under wraps.  I think I am good for another month anyway.  Then after that I am curious who, if anyone will ask since I seriously doubt I will be formally announcing before 25-30 weeks.  Nobody better ask....because since I am, if I wanted people to know I would tell them.  But if I weren't pregnant, I would imagine that would hurt a lot after my loss if we were having a hard time again.  But people are dumb and have no common sense.

We're retaking our family pics with Ryan's family tomorrow, and my dad wants them done for our side this fall.  I'm thinking I'll have to figure out where to stand to hide my belly by then.  I would assume he'll use these pics for his Christmas cards, and I don't think I want to announce to everyone until Christmas or a little after so they can't really be seeing my bump in the picture.  Which will be hard because I am short and usually in the front, but someone will just have to kneel down so I can stand behind them.

Three and a half more hours till the weekend!  I was going to get my 1 hour glucose test done tomorrow but I think I need to sleep in.  For the past week or two I've started getting up about an hour early to use the bathroom and then going back to bed, but last night I was up at 1am to pee and chug some milk (which I did last time, I was always dying of thirst in the middle of the night and only wanted milk) and again around 5.  So I'm assuming my "two a nights" are beginning.  Next Saturday should be less busy, I'll get up early and go do it then.  Though I do have to pee in a jug all day on Sunday and drop it off at the lab Monday morning.  Sigh, I did not miss the 24 hour urine collection at all....but at least I don't have to do it on a holiday this year.

Not so sure now- 9 wks 5 days

I was feeling so good yesterday and very confident in my doctor's assesment of bed rest.  But today I feel like the wind has been let out of my sails.  It's not that I distrust her enough to even think about finding a new doctor, but I'm just not as sure today that no bed rest is the right answer.

Doctors are amazing, but they are people with opinions just like everyone else.  Some doctors think bed rest is beneficial, some do not but just because it is MY doctor saying it is not helpful does not mean that is the correct answer.

I am sure at this point I am doing more worrying now than planning, but the idea of losing Boo in the same way as Kayla is the most terrifying thought.  I just don't know if I could get through it a second time, especially if there was something I felt I could have done that I didn't.  But when you trust your doctor, you trust that they are going to guide you in the right direction, so if I do decide to put myself on bed rest someday, it will be hard to be confident in my decision knowing my doctor doesn't think it is necessary.

I am not saying in any way that my job is more important than my baby.  But, making the decision to possibly lose my job and turn my life upside down to do something that my doctor doesn't think is needed is going to be difficult....not to mention, how would I get FMLA approved if my doctor doesn't agree?  Would she still sign off on it despite disagreeing?  Would I then have to find a new doctor?  Could I just find a doctor who agrees with me to sign off on it?  So many questions and worries.

It basically comes down to this....if my cervix stays long and closed like a champ, of course I won't feel the need to go on bed rest.  But if there are any issues whasoever, I may have to make that decision.  I am not doctor, but I do understand gravity and to me it just makes sense to take weight off from something that misbehaves when too much weight is put on it.

I'm also a little unsure about this vacation.  Again, if all is going well I think it would do us good.  We've had a hellish year and with this new pregnancy we could really use a few days away to just recharge our batteries, unwind, and have fun.  But we'll have to make sure to book a refundable trip just in case things aren't lookin good at the time.  I'm also a little unsure of taking the time off.  As it is I have to take the day after my cerclage off to recover and take it easy, so I had to get a little creative with my time off to cover those two days plus the morning of my NT scan.  Since I am basically living "paycheck to paycheck" in terms of time off, it seems irresponsible to take two whole days off for a vacation.

BUT....I have not had a vacation since.....um, I don't remember.  Ok, it was bugging me so I checked the calendar.  The last time I had a week off was a year ago in June but we didn't go anywhere (and my grandma died the last day of it, how's that for a vacation?).  I took three days off to spend a long weekend in Wisconsin last September when my brother ran the Ironman, and the last trip MH and I took was our honeymoon almost three years ago.  Once I am further along a trip will be out for sure, and once the baby comes it will be a long time, despite our best intentions, before we'll be able to or even want to travel without Boo.

So I think a trip, despite it being a short one (Thursday night to Sunday night) is well deserved.

Back up a little-9 wks 4 days

I had a great appointment today.  Boo is doing fabulous, she was standing on her head during the u/s, lol.  We heard the heartbeat for a few seconds which was the first time we've heard it.  It was a beautiful sound.  I am measuring two days behind what I calculated, so thus I am back to 9 wks 4 days instead of 6 days.  Kind of bummed, I was looking forward to hitting double digits 10 weeks tomorrow, but I know + or - a few days is normal and I'm just so happy everything is ok.

So then we met with the nurse and went over all of those boring mundane questions, and then my doctor came in.  She went over all of my questions....

I asked about bedrest, and surpringly she said she does not recommend it.  She said they are many things that can go wrong on bedrest like blood clots, pneumonia, depression, etc.  She said it has not been proven that bedrest does any good so she doesn't order it.  I won't be telling my brother and girlfriend this, haha.  I won't give them the satisfaction that they were right, lol.  But there is a difference between following advice people tell you, and what your doctor tells you.  It does make me a little nervous because I'm curious about the whole gravity thing.  When you have a weak cervix, it does make sense to me to take the weight off of it by being on bedrest.  I'll ask her about that next time, but she is a specialist, she does cerclages a lot I am sure and I trust her.  So if she says I won't be on bedrest then I feel pretty confident.  It's also a bit of a weight off my shoulders.  I had accepted that I would need it and was dealing with it, but of course not being on bedrest solves a lot of problems.

She also cleared us for travel until around 23 weeks.  So we've decided we need to take a babymoon so I think we'll go to Vegas at for our anniversary at the end of October/beginning of November.  I'll be about 20 weeks by then...I do plan to ask her again at my next appt because we didn't have a destination in mind,  just to make sure she realizes how far we want to go and that I'll be flying.  We'll also make sure to book a refundable trip just in case.  I'm excited.

So my next appointment is in 3 weeks on September 10th which will be my NT scan and I'll see my doctor again after that.  Then the next week I'll have my cerclage put in.  She went over the risks and rewards with us.  She said my case is not absolutely cut and dry that I have an incompetent cervix.  Since they did not see my cervix shortening, I just showed up in labor, they cannot say for sure whether my cervix opened because it was incompetent or if I got the infection which caused it to open.  But she said she is absolutely fine with doing it to err on the side of caution.

She explained that since we aren't certain I need it, we could wait and monitor my cervix and if need be, we could do an emergency cerclage when and if we see shortening or funneling.  The issue with that is, once the cervix starts to shorten it can be more difficult to put the cerclage in place and it does up the risk.  All surgeries come with some risk, and she said the risk of a miscarriage from the cerclage goes up to about 30% if done later in the game.  Plus, she didn't say this, but I would assume there is always the gamble that you won't get it in in time.  I have no idea how long it took my cervix to dilate to 4 centimeters, but what if at one appointment it was fine, and the next it had shortened significantly and we're just too late getting it in.  That makes me extremely anxious.

So she said she is absolutely fine with doing it at 14 weeks, it will be easier to put in and the risk of a miscarriage from the procedure is less than 1%.  I like those odds a lot more.  I guess I can see if someone is very against surgery, it would make sense to wait since we aren't 100% sure I have an IC, but for us it just makes sense to put it in earlier so that's what we're doing.

So overall an excellent appointment.  We got a lot of questions answered, have a lot of stuff scheduled for the next month and I loved seeing Boo and hearing his heartbeat.  Hopefully this will tide me over until my NT scan, and I hope I can find the HB with my doppler in the next week or so.  Without further ado, here is Boo!