Is it Friday yet?- 10 wks 6 days

I'm a dork, switching my new pregnancy weeks to Friday was driving me crazy, so I switched back to Wednesdays.  I'll just wait until I get my official measurement and due date at my NT scan, which is what I should have done in the first place.

Today was definitely a "should have stayed in bed day".  I'm so tired my eyelids litterally hurt, they just want to close and I can't stop yawning.  I was so happy to hear thunder this morning....a sunny day with birds chirping just didn't match my mood this morning.  Though a nice yucky rainy day makes it an even nicer stay in bed day.

I was talking to a friend last night and we talked about my loss a little...I should know better than to talk to certain people about it since she's said something before that rubbed me the wrong way.  So last night she sent me a little computer postcard thing saying "God leads you to where you're supposed to be, not where you want to be", and then said she firmly believes that everything happens for a reason.

Ok, I get that people are desperately trying to find something to say to make me feel better.  And a part of me feels guilty for being upset because I KNOW she doesn't mean to hurt me and I know she is just trying to comfort me.  But I will never understand why people think those things actually help.  There's so many things one can say, like just I'm sorry, I hate that you're going through this, I wish I could help you, I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, etc.  You can find silver linings in an older person's death....they're not suffering anymore, they lived a good long life, etc.  But there is never any solace in a child dying.  Even if it ended any suffering they were in, why did they have to suffer to begin with?

I mean, does anyone really say, oh well, there is a reason why my daughter died....I don't know it, and I may never know it, but there is one so that makes me feel better.  No!  Just no.  And no matter how much I love Boo, and no matter how much I will not be able to imagine my life without him or her, I will NEVER ever be happy, or glad, or even accepting of losing Kayla.  It doesn't make any sense to me why a life is created, only for it to live for 22 weeks in utero, there is no reason for that.

But like I said, I should have known better, there are some people that understand that I can talk to, and some I just can't.  Though it still baffles me....I get that you can't really understand something until you've walked in their shoes, but even before I went through it, I knew that going through a stillbirth must be one of the hardest things ever.  Just like, I've never experienced the death of a living child, but I would never tell a bereaved parent that it was meant to be, or that everything happens for a reason, or that they should be thankful they have their other children.  That's one of the reasons I want to keep this pregnancy under wraps for a while because I am afraid someone will make some kind of statement implying that everything is ok because we have another baby on the way.

Of course we're thrilled and love Boo, but they aren't a replacement, and we aren't automatically cured of our grief because we are pregnant again.  I'm willing to bet that someone will say something like that when they find out about my pregnancy.  I'm just waiting for it.  And if it happens, I'm going to rip them a new one.