I finally got around to putting together Kayla's memory box. I had a good cry going over everything; reading all of the sympathy cards people sent to us, looking through the photo album we put together for her, the items the funeral home and hospital gave us. I'm not sure why it took me this long to do it. I also hung her shadow box with the blanket and clothes she was dressed in at the hospital. I am not sure if we'll leave it in the nursey or not. For now I have it hung on the wall and on the floor below is her memory box with her heartbeat bear sitting on top of it.
We never got a chance to actually record her HB. Our doctor's office had a policy against it, and we never made it to the point where we were going to have an elective 3D one done. I do have a very bad recording of it on my computer from my home doppler, but there is a lot of static and there are only a few seconds here and there where the HB is easy to hear and is mostly clear. I've tried recording it onto the bear's heart, but so far it isn't going well. Maybe I'll try again later.
Regardless of whether or not we actually get it recorded, it was Kayla's bear so we want to get a new one for Boo. Like I said, I'm undecided on whether or not to leave the shadow box hung up in the nursery. If Boo is a girl, it would at least be easier to leave it there since it might look a little odd to have a bunch of pink clothes and blankets displayed in a boy's room....but above all of that, I don't want Boo to feel like he or she is living in the shadow of their sister.
I want to find that fine line of honoring Kayla and having her siblings know who she is and loving their sister in Heaven, but I don't ever want Boo and any other children to be reminded of the fact that they are only here because Kayla is not, or to be made to feel like we love Kayla more. I'm probably over thinking it, for at least the first 2-3 years of Boo's life she likely won't even understand what the shadow box means....and maybe she'll like having something of her sister's in her room.
I'm feeling a lot better, I've only been slightly nauseous all weekend and the diarhhea is completely gone. My allergies are acting up today though, I keep sneezing and my nose is running and my face is so itchy I want to rip it off. But of course I cannot take any medicine for it. But at least our little store at work had tissues, I was so happy to see we had some in. The only thing worse than an allergy atack at work is not having any tissues at my desk.
Ryan and I went to the race track Saturday night and we were on our way home at about 10:45. Since it's summer and it gets dark so late, it's not often lately that we're still out once it's dark,(because we're old and we don't go out anymore) so we were going to swing through the cemetery and see if her solar light was working. but the ice cream place closed in ten minutes so we decided on the ice cream. Sorry baby girl, but mama needed some ice cream :) But we'll make a special trip out one of these nights to check on it. Truth be told, I am a little nervous to go to the cemetery after dark. I can't say for sure that I'll get out of the car; I mean we won't even necessarily have to go by her grave, we could probably see if it's working from a few roads away, but I'd like to get a picture of it. Maybe Ryan will get out and get the picture for me.
So while I was looking through her things last night, I couldn't help but think about how things should be right now. Kayla could be a few weeks old by now....I'd be on maternity leave. My life should be so different right now. If I hadn't had my first loss, I would have a one year old baby right now, or coming up on it. I'm sad to say I don't remember the exact due date of that pregnancy, but it could have very well been today. I want to say it was either the 10th or the 12th. I just pray that Boo is our take home baby; I just can't wonder what if about another baby's life. I don't want to be sad on their would be brithdays, I want to be happy and celebrating them.
No comments:
Post a Comment