Well Emily's first Halloween wasn't very successful. We went to my MILs for dinner and then trick or treating with her two cousins. It was cold and rainy though, so Ryan and I called it quits after 5 houses. If she were older we would have toughed it out, but all she knew was she was stuck in this weird outfit where she couldn't move her legs, it was dark out and this cold wet wind was blowing on her face. Of the five houses she only scored two candy bars, two bags of chips and fruit snacks. Come on people, we want candy!
But we got to put her in her cute costume, which was a lady bug by the way. I hadn't planned on buying her two, but I was at Once Upon a Child hoping maybe I could score her banana suit there when I came across the lady bug, and it was only 5 bucks. Luckily the weather last weekend for the Zoo Boo was beautiful. So we headed back to the house while my niece and nephew and BIL and SIL went on. It was nice, Emily and I just relaxed and chatted with my MIL, and she had plenty of candy so have no fear, I am sure I ate my body weight in sugar today. Plus she made dirt cake, AND I brought Red Lobster biscuits for dinner. Ugh, I better not eat at all tomorrow. MIL is coming tomorrow to help me clean the garage so hopefully I can work off some of those calories.
It was so cute, at dinner Emily sat next to me in her Bumbo chair and I fed her some applesauce while we ate. I knew she was tired because she had only napped for about 30 minutes today despite my efforts to get her to sleep more (must have been excited to go get mommy some candy). So she started doing her "nodding yes" thing, but the nods started getting longer and slower until she would just hang her head down....then she'd snap her head back up and then her eyes would close and her head would droop again. It was so cute and funny, and all of us meanies just sat there laughing at her until my SIL took her out of her chair and snuggled her. Ok, it was less than 30 seconds that we laughed at her.
Speaking of laughs, OMG Emily's laughs just make my soul smile. I swear her laughter could cure cancer and make the meanest most miserable person happy. And the things she laughs at....the other day she busted out laughing because I zipped up her jammies. And she loves to be scared, she cracks up when daddy growls at her, and tonight Ryan had one of those plastic hands with a bag for candy attached and he kept acting like he was going to scratch her face with it and she was laughing and laughing. How dull my life must have been before she came along.
I was watching the 19 Kids and Counting episode when Jill got married and her parents were talking about what a good baby and kid she was. They were like if we had had her first, we would have thought wow, we've really got this parenting thing down. Haha, that's kind of how I feel. Sometimes I think wow, I'm a really good mom, this parenting thing isn't so hard, I really know what I'm doing. Then reality sets in and I realize I just have a really really good baby. Sometimes I like to think that she is our reward for what we've been through. God couldn't save our Kayla, so he gave us an extra special baby in Emily. I hope He thinks we've been through enough to get TWO extra good babies if we decide to have another.
I bought Emily some Puffs today....the container says she should be crawling, but I figured it couldn't hurt. But I tried one first and was surprised that they don't melt in your mouth as quickly as I expected. I don't think I am quite ready to test out my Heimlich skills just yet, so I think we'll wait a little bit on those. Speaking of food, we have about one bottle worth of breast milk left and then my freezer stash is gone. I'm so glad we were able to use it after all, it was a lot of hard work pumping for that long, especially when I wasn't sure if she would ever be able to drink it, so I am really happy it didn't go to waste.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Christmas and birthday oh my
It's not even November yet and I am done with Emily's christmas shopping. Well...maybe. Apparently shopping for Em was the one kind of shopping Ryan wanted to do, and now he says it's ruined since I did it all. But I can probably get him out to buy another gift that he picks out. I tried not to go too overboard this year since she won't rememebr it. I got her a my first baby doll....it has like a rubber face but the rest of it is plushy and soft. I debated on it, she's got TONS of stuffed animals already, but it was cute and I'm sure she'll love to hug it. I also got her a crawling Minnie Mouse. It plays music and I think she sings as she crawls along the floor. I figure if she can't crawl yet by then maybe Minnie can teach her, and if she can she can crawl along with her.
I'm also just wrapping a box filled with tissue paper that she can tear into. I'm so glad she'll be 9 months at Christmas. Of course she won't get Christmas as much as she will when she's older, but she can participate, tear open packages, and I think she'll be excited for her presents. I think it will be more fun for her to be older for her first Christmas, than if she was just a couple months old and just laid there. She won't benefit much, but I am starting the tradition of her Christmas Eve box this year....well actually it will be a Christmas Eve Eve box since we have plans on Xmas eve. So she'll get to open this present on xmas eve eve, and it will be a new pair of jammies, a movie and some snacks and candy for during the movie. So for this year I got her some pretty jammies with snowflakes on them, and Ryan and I will enjoy the popcorn and candy and the movie. I'm so excited about the movie, I found a double one with The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under. I don't remember a ton about the first one, but the down under one is one of my favorite movies. My grandma has it and I watched it every time I went there for years. It will be fun to do this for her every year and see her get more and more excited for it as she gets older and remembers the tradition.
Seeing how we're less than six months till her first birthday, I think it is perfectly acceptable that I have started planning it already. I've picked the date, but that was kind of a no-brainer. Her birthday falls on a Thursday so it just makes sense to have it that Saturday on the 21st. Being the end of March, it could be a blizzard or it could be a fairly nice day. Kayla's funeral was on March 29th and it turned out to be a rather warm sunny day so it's possible. But I think we'll plan to have it inside and then a few days before depending on the forecast we can decide if we're moving it outside or not. Although being Michigan, we'll have to literally wait till like the day or two before. I remember the morning after Kayla was born there was a light covering of snow outside, and then just five days later we were outside with no coats on.
Anywho, the only theme I like so far at Party City is lady bugs, but I'm assuming character plates and cups and all that is a lot more expensive than plain pink, and I found quite a few cute ideas on Pinterest for just a general "girlie, tutu, pink" theme, so we'll likely do that. I figure unless she turns out to be a princess girl, my time is limited on how much longer I can get away with deciding what she wears and how much pink there will be, so I've got to do the ultra girlie birthday while I can. Not that I dress her like a cupcake every day....today she had on what I am pretty sure was a boy's blue Winnie The Pooh sweatsuit....but I like getting the frilly in when I can.
So today started what is hopefully my new routine. I had my husband wake me up before he left for work at 6:30am and I stayed up aside from the 30 minute nap I took with Emily this afternoon. I actually enjoyed being up that early. I had a good hour and a half before Em woke up, I was able to get all of my chores done before we went for our walk (granted, Wednesdays are my lightest day) and I'm hoping it will be a lot easier to fall asleep tonight. Although tomorrow might be another story when the alarm goes off, the second day is always harder.
I'm also just wrapping a box filled with tissue paper that she can tear into. I'm so glad she'll be 9 months at Christmas. Of course she won't get Christmas as much as she will when she's older, but she can participate, tear open packages, and I think she'll be excited for her presents. I think it will be more fun for her to be older for her first Christmas, than if she was just a couple months old and just laid there. She won't benefit much, but I am starting the tradition of her Christmas Eve box this year....well actually it will be a Christmas Eve Eve box since we have plans on Xmas eve. So she'll get to open this present on xmas eve eve, and it will be a new pair of jammies, a movie and some snacks and candy for during the movie. So for this year I got her some pretty jammies with snowflakes on them, and Ryan and I will enjoy the popcorn and candy and the movie. I'm so excited about the movie, I found a double one with The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under. I don't remember a ton about the first one, but the down under one is one of my favorite movies. My grandma has it and I watched it every time I went there for years. It will be fun to do this for her every year and see her get more and more excited for it as she gets older and remembers the tradition.
Seeing how we're less than six months till her first birthday, I think it is perfectly acceptable that I have started planning it already. I've picked the date, but that was kind of a no-brainer. Her birthday falls on a Thursday so it just makes sense to have it that Saturday on the 21st. Being the end of March, it could be a blizzard or it could be a fairly nice day. Kayla's funeral was on March 29th and it turned out to be a rather warm sunny day so it's possible. But I think we'll plan to have it inside and then a few days before depending on the forecast we can decide if we're moving it outside or not. Although being Michigan, we'll have to literally wait till like the day or two before. I remember the morning after Kayla was born there was a light covering of snow outside, and then just five days later we were outside with no coats on.
Anywho, the only theme I like so far at Party City is lady bugs, but I'm assuming character plates and cups and all that is a lot more expensive than plain pink, and I found quite a few cute ideas on Pinterest for just a general "girlie, tutu, pink" theme, so we'll likely do that. I figure unless she turns out to be a princess girl, my time is limited on how much longer I can get away with deciding what she wears and how much pink there will be, so I've got to do the ultra girlie birthday while I can. Not that I dress her like a cupcake every day....today she had on what I am pretty sure was a boy's blue Winnie The Pooh sweatsuit....but I like getting the frilly in when I can.
So today started what is hopefully my new routine. I had my husband wake me up before he left for work at 6:30am and I stayed up aside from the 30 minute nap I took with Emily this afternoon. I actually enjoyed being up that early. I had a good hour and a half before Em woke up, I was able to get all of my chores done before we went for our walk (granted, Wednesdays are my lightest day) and I'm hoping it will be a lot easier to fall asleep tonight. Although tomorrow might be another story when the alarm goes off, the second day is always harder.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Weekend
We had a nice weekend. Saturday morning Emily went to grandpa's house while Ryan and I took an Infant CPR class at the hospital. It was a really good class, we watched it all on video and the instructor walked around and watched us practicing on the dummies. I hope to God I never have to use it, but choking or something happening to Em has been a huge fear of mine, so it's at least a bit of a comfort to know what to do. It's like, as she gets closer to one and the older she gets and more capable of moving around and stuff, I am not as insane with fear about SIDS like I was when she was a tiny newborn. But now that she's on solids and will be mobile soon, now my worry will be choking, getting injured, and getting into something that could seriously hurt her. Welcome to parenthood, where you will worry FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
There was a mix up with the class, the instructor thought no one was signed up so someone else ended up teaching it and therefore we had to go to the OB conference room on the L&D floor. After the class we walked out into the hallway and there were both of my OBs talking. I waved and they finished their conversation. Dr. G kinda glanced at us and ran off....I assume it didn't click with her who we were, and/or she had to get somewhere. I mean, we had two doctors, and we were one of how many patients and we haven't seen them in seven months. Plus, she's always been a bit weird. I love her, but she's weird :) Dr. P came over and talked to us, she asked us how we're doing and how Emily is. She asked how old she is now and she was like wow, that much time has gone by.
It was so nice to see them, and be at the hospital. It sounds weird, but I've actually missed that place. I mean for 9 months I went there a lot....for the last 10 weeks I went twice a week, the doctors and nurses became my friends. Seeing them made me realize I have to get new insurance, a plan that they accept so that if we decide to have another, I can go back to them. I honestly don't know if I could feel comfortable having another baby and going to another doctor. I am sure there are lots of other good doctors out there, but going to someone else is just outside of my comfort zone. When I sent the picture and thank you note to Dr. G, I told her that I firmly believe that in the hands of someone else, that results could have been way different. She is the one that did my cerclage, and Dr. P delivered both Emily and Kayla. I thanked them both for getting our little girl here safely.
So after class we went to the cafeteria to have lunch. We've had many "dates" at the hospital cafeteria. I got a salad, they have a really good salad bar, and they had my favorite pudding cups. So good! Then that evening we went to my brother and sister-in-law's for dinner, and then the five of us went to the zoo for ZooBoo. It's a Halloween event, we walked around, they had stuff set up, treat stations to get candy and stuff. Ryan was a gorilla and Emily was his banana. The costumes were a huge hit, everyone that saw us was like OMG, look at the ape and the banana! Ryan would dance to the music, he'd run around acting like a gorilla, climbing on light poles and such. People even posed with him for pictures, it was hilarious.
Today the three of us, my brother and his wife, and my dad, stepmom and stepsister went to the park and took family pictures. They came out pretty nice, but man was I grumpy. I had a headache, the remote on my camera wasn't working right, nobody was listening to anything I said. My dad and stepmom were running late so while we waited I took some awesome shots of Emily in the leaves. She did so good too, she sat up all by herself for a good six or seven minutes until she fell over and face planted and cried her little heart out. Makes me so sad when she hurts herself.
Here are some pics
There was a mix up with the class, the instructor thought no one was signed up so someone else ended up teaching it and therefore we had to go to the OB conference room on the L&D floor. After the class we walked out into the hallway and there were both of my OBs talking. I waved and they finished their conversation. Dr. G kinda glanced at us and ran off....I assume it didn't click with her who we were, and/or she had to get somewhere. I mean, we had two doctors, and we were one of how many patients and we haven't seen them in seven months. Plus, she's always been a bit weird. I love her, but she's weird :) Dr. P came over and talked to us, she asked us how we're doing and how Emily is. She asked how old she is now and she was like wow, that much time has gone by.
It was so nice to see them, and be at the hospital. It sounds weird, but I've actually missed that place. I mean for 9 months I went there a lot....for the last 10 weeks I went twice a week, the doctors and nurses became my friends. Seeing them made me realize I have to get new insurance, a plan that they accept so that if we decide to have another, I can go back to them. I honestly don't know if I could feel comfortable having another baby and going to another doctor. I am sure there are lots of other good doctors out there, but going to someone else is just outside of my comfort zone. When I sent the picture and thank you note to Dr. G, I told her that I firmly believe that in the hands of someone else, that results could have been way different. She is the one that did my cerclage, and Dr. P delivered both Emily and Kayla. I thanked them both for getting our little girl here safely.
So after class we went to the cafeteria to have lunch. We've had many "dates" at the hospital cafeteria. I got a salad, they have a really good salad bar, and they had my favorite pudding cups. So good! Then that evening we went to my brother and sister-in-law's for dinner, and then the five of us went to the zoo for ZooBoo. It's a Halloween event, we walked around, they had stuff set up, treat stations to get candy and stuff. Ryan was a gorilla and Emily was his banana. The costumes were a huge hit, everyone that saw us was like OMG, look at the ape and the banana! Ryan would dance to the music, he'd run around acting like a gorilla, climbing on light poles and such. People even posed with him for pictures, it was hilarious.
Today the three of us, my brother and his wife, and my dad, stepmom and stepsister went to the park and took family pictures. They came out pretty nice, but man was I grumpy. I had a headache, the remote on my camera wasn't working right, nobody was listening to anything I said. My dad and stepmom were running late so while we waited I took some awesome shots of Emily in the leaves. She did so good too, she sat up all by herself for a good six or seven minutes until she fell over and face planted and cried her little heart out. Makes me so sad when she hurts herself.
Here are some pics
Friday, October 24, 2014
SAHM progress report
I feel like I am finally getting a handle on this stay-at-home-mom housework thing. For the first two months I was home, I had trouble getting everything done, and keeping it clean. One day I looked around the house and thought to myself, our house is way too messy for me being a SAHM. I basically give myself weekends off, so I was workng hard all week to clean, but wasn't maintaining on the weekend....and my husband and I can trash a house pretty well in just a couple days.
But I've got a good routine down now, I have to really be slacking to not be able to get all my shit done each day, and most days I have time left over for Emily snuggles or getting extra projects done. Dishes were one of the thngs I was slacking on the most, and before I knew it the sink was full and the counters and table were cluttered. But I've gotten into a routine where every night at 11pm I do the dishes and wash bottles, but I also do whatever dishes I can while I am cooking dinner. Call me crazy but I like doing dishes before bed....I only have on the light above the stove, I put on some music and wash away. It's nice waking up to a clean kitchen.
I've also switched to Fridays for grocery shopping. I used to try doing it on Sundays, but since it's my "day off", I often wouldn't go; so I'd try to go Monday but Mondays are my busiest day and the next thing I knew it was Wednesday and I still hadn't gone and we were eating out more. But I've successfully gone three Fridays in a row now, I'm cooking more and it's easier to shop when I consistently go every week since there is less to buy. I'm such a good little housewife. I find it funny that back when I was 19 I was dating this guy that always said he didn't want his future wife to work, that he was the man and it was his job to worry about money. That's nice and all, but I was like pssshaa, I'm not going to sit home all day, be barefoot and pregnant and go to Target all the time with your sisters. Now here I am, I couldn't wait to quit my job so I could be home with Em, and going to Target is one of the highlights of my week, haha.
But there is a difference between realizing you want to stay home, and being told you cannot work. Besides, once Em is in school I'll go back to work, if not before, but his wife is probably home for good. I have plenty of stuff to keep me busy now, but once kids are in school, what do you do all day? Well, my mom did a lot of volunteer stuff, which is what I would do if I never went back to work. But I like to shop too much to live off one income for too long :)
My MIL is coming to help me clean and organize our garage next weekend. She LOVES to clean, and I do mean loves it. She's a minamalist, she doesn't have clutter, she doesn't have junk. Her motto is, when in doubt, throw it out. I can't say I will ever be that extreme, but I am inspired by her to not be such a packrat. I told her when I am cleaning and struggling with whether to toss something, I ask myself WWDD (what would Donna do). I get it from my dad, he's a major packrat, as is most of his family. It comes in handy sometimes.....in one of my apartments my stove was missing an oven knob, and my dad had a box full of oven knobs. I didn't have curtains on my bathroom window and he just happened to have material that worked perfect for makeshift curtains. I wanted to make a potted christmas tree from Pinterest but didn't want to spend money on a pot...he had one. In fact, several to choose from.
But why should I be a packrat, when he has everything I could ever need and is more than happy to give away his packratted items? When we moved in this house, Ryan and I both parked in the garage. His Monte is still in there (but he doesn't drive it and I sooooo wish he would sell it, but whatever) but since Emily came home I haven't parked in there because it's hard to get my door open all the way with the Monte there in order to get her carseat in and out so I've been parking in the driveway. Since he drives his new truck and it's way too big for the garage, he parks on the street so my being in the drive way doesn't interfere with him. But, this girl doesn't like cleaning snow off her car, so we have to get the garage clean so I can start parking in there again, because "winter is coming" haha (any Game of Thrones fans?). We've since accumulated a new bike, a jet tub, and the jogger stroller where my car used to go. I'm so excited to have a clean, organized garage.
My next goal is to get myself on a better sleeping schedule. I had good intentions when I first started staying home, most days I got up by 8, but since then it has become 9, and I think one day I even slept until 10:30! Emily either plays quietly in her crib, or she sleeps off and on, but I feel terrible leaving her in her crib all that time while I'm a lazy ass. I get up around 6 or 7 to feed and change her of course, but then I go back to bed. Part of the problem is, I go to bed too late, so then I want to sleep later. I also don't have to get up at a certain time, so it's really hard to not go back to bed. The main reason I go back though is my bed is sooooo comfortable in the morning. I crawl back in, and it's so warm and comfy and I fall right back to sleep. It's all I ever wanted to do when I worked, I always wanted to be able to go back to bed so badly and now I can, so I do. I think I could resist going back if going to bed at night was like that, but it's not. Most nights I go to bed because it's so late, not because I am tired. I swear my bed is not even half as comfortable at night as it is in the morning, and I often lay there for 20-30 minutes before I fall asleep. That's one of the few things I miss about being pregnant, during first and second tri I slept soooo good, I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. Third tri of course was a different story though. My husband is like that, the minute he gets in bed, he is out and I hate him a little bit for that, I'm so jealous.
I took a Unisom last night....I took them when I first went back to work after losing Kayla since I had such a hard time getting to sleep and they didn't seem to do much, so I at least knew it wouldn't knock me out and I wouldn't be able to hear Emily. It did seem to relax me I guess, I don't remember taking a real long time to fall asleep last night.
I think we're going to switch Emily to her convertible carseat very soon....like maybe even tomorrow. She's getting too heavy to carry in the bucket seat, and she can now sit in the seat in carts at the store, and today she sat in the stroller like a big girl, so I'm pretty much taking her in and out of the seat anyway, so why not switch? I'm hoping it is easier to get her in and out of the convertible, 'cause right now it is such a pain to get her in and out of the bucket when I leave it in the car. It will probably be good for her to not being laying down in the bucket all the time, sitting in carts and strollers and the convertible would probably help strengthen her abdominal muscles so she can sit unassisted.
We still don't know if we'll have another kid, but it's fun to plan for one nonetheless. Our other spare room is my office for now, and I redecorated it a couple years ago and painted it a deep blue. I hate panting, and it literally took me about two months to finish painting that room, so all that hard work won't be wasted by repainting for a nursery. So girl or boy, it will stay blue. So I decided if we were to have another girl, she'll have a celestial room, I think it will look awesome with the blue. I was a little bit obsessed with sun and moon stuff when I was younger, my room at my parents' house looked like the solar system threw up in it. I got rid of most of it when I moved out, but I kept a few of my favorite pieces. So all I would really need to buy is a mobile and a diaper stacker (I know some people think they're useless but I love our diaper stacker) and then decorate with my old items.
Since we've already had two girls, if we have another baby a boy would be really nice. But since deciding on the sun and moon theme, I must confess, I would love another girl just for the reason of decorating her room, :)
But I've got a good routine down now, I have to really be slacking to not be able to get all my shit done each day, and most days I have time left over for Emily snuggles or getting extra projects done. Dishes were one of the thngs I was slacking on the most, and before I knew it the sink was full and the counters and table were cluttered. But I've gotten into a routine where every night at 11pm I do the dishes and wash bottles, but I also do whatever dishes I can while I am cooking dinner. Call me crazy but I like doing dishes before bed....I only have on the light above the stove, I put on some music and wash away. It's nice waking up to a clean kitchen.
I've also switched to Fridays for grocery shopping. I used to try doing it on Sundays, but since it's my "day off", I often wouldn't go; so I'd try to go Monday but Mondays are my busiest day and the next thing I knew it was Wednesday and I still hadn't gone and we were eating out more. But I've successfully gone three Fridays in a row now, I'm cooking more and it's easier to shop when I consistently go every week since there is less to buy. I'm such a good little housewife. I find it funny that back when I was 19 I was dating this guy that always said he didn't want his future wife to work, that he was the man and it was his job to worry about money. That's nice and all, but I was like pssshaa, I'm not going to sit home all day, be barefoot and pregnant and go to Target all the time with your sisters. Now here I am, I couldn't wait to quit my job so I could be home with Em, and going to Target is one of the highlights of my week, haha.
But there is a difference between realizing you want to stay home, and being told you cannot work. Besides, once Em is in school I'll go back to work, if not before, but his wife is probably home for good. I have plenty of stuff to keep me busy now, but once kids are in school, what do you do all day? Well, my mom did a lot of volunteer stuff, which is what I would do if I never went back to work. But I like to shop too much to live off one income for too long :)
My MIL is coming to help me clean and organize our garage next weekend. She LOVES to clean, and I do mean loves it. She's a minamalist, she doesn't have clutter, she doesn't have junk. Her motto is, when in doubt, throw it out. I can't say I will ever be that extreme, but I am inspired by her to not be such a packrat. I told her when I am cleaning and struggling with whether to toss something, I ask myself WWDD (what would Donna do). I get it from my dad, he's a major packrat, as is most of his family. It comes in handy sometimes.....in one of my apartments my stove was missing an oven knob, and my dad had a box full of oven knobs. I didn't have curtains on my bathroom window and he just happened to have material that worked perfect for makeshift curtains. I wanted to make a potted christmas tree from Pinterest but didn't want to spend money on a pot...he had one. In fact, several to choose from.
But why should I be a packrat, when he has everything I could ever need and is more than happy to give away his packratted items? When we moved in this house, Ryan and I both parked in the garage. His Monte is still in there (but he doesn't drive it and I sooooo wish he would sell it, but whatever) but since Emily came home I haven't parked in there because it's hard to get my door open all the way with the Monte there in order to get her carseat in and out so I've been parking in the driveway. Since he drives his new truck and it's way too big for the garage, he parks on the street so my being in the drive way doesn't interfere with him. But, this girl doesn't like cleaning snow off her car, so we have to get the garage clean so I can start parking in there again, because "winter is coming" haha (any Game of Thrones fans?). We've since accumulated a new bike, a jet tub, and the jogger stroller where my car used to go. I'm so excited to have a clean, organized garage.
My next goal is to get myself on a better sleeping schedule. I had good intentions when I first started staying home, most days I got up by 8, but since then it has become 9, and I think one day I even slept until 10:30! Emily either plays quietly in her crib, or she sleeps off and on, but I feel terrible leaving her in her crib all that time while I'm a lazy ass. I get up around 6 or 7 to feed and change her of course, but then I go back to bed. Part of the problem is, I go to bed too late, so then I want to sleep later. I also don't have to get up at a certain time, so it's really hard to not go back to bed. The main reason I go back though is my bed is sooooo comfortable in the morning. I crawl back in, and it's so warm and comfy and I fall right back to sleep. It's all I ever wanted to do when I worked, I always wanted to be able to go back to bed so badly and now I can, so I do. I think I could resist going back if going to bed at night was like that, but it's not. Most nights I go to bed because it's so late, not because I am tired. I swear my bed is not even half as comfortable at night as it is in the morning, and I often lay there for 20-30 minutes before I fall asleep. That's one of the few things I miss about being pregnant, during first and second tri I slept soooo good, I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. Third tri of course was a different story though. My husband is like that, the minute he gets in bed, he is out and I hate him a little bit for that, I'm so jealous.
I took a Unisom last night....I took them when I first went back to work after losing Kayla since I had such a hard time getting to sleep and they didn't seem to do much, so I at least knew it wouldn't knock me out and I wouldn't be able to hear Emily. It did seem to relax me I guess, I don't remember taking a real long time to fall asleep last night.
I think we're going to switch Emily to her convertible carseat very soon....like maybe even tomorrow. She's getting too heavy to carry in the bucket seat, and she can now sit in the seat in carts at the store, and today she sat in the stroller like a big girl, so I'm pretty much taking her in and out of the seat anyway, so why not switch? I'm hoping it is easier to get her in and out of the convertible, 'cause right now it is such a pain to get her in and out of the bucket when I leave it in the car. It will probably be good for her to not being laying down in the bucket all the time, sitting in carts and strollers and the convertible would probably help strengthen her abdominal muscles so she can sit unassisted.
We still don't know if we'll have another kid, but it's fun to plan for one nonetheless. Our other spare room is my office for now, and I redecorated it a couple years ago and painted it a deep blue. I hate panting, and it literally took me about two months to finish painting that room, so all that hard work won't be wasted by repainting for a nursery. So girl or boy, it will stay blue. So I decided if we were to have another girl, she'll have a celestial room, I think it will look awesome with the blue. I was a little bit obsessed with sun and moon stuff when I was younger, my room at my parents' house looked like the solar system threw up in it. I got rid of most of it when I moved out, but I kept a few of my favorite pieces. So all I would really need to buy is a mobile and a diaper stacker (I know some people think they're useless but I love our diaper stacker) and then decorate with my old items.
Since we've already had two girls, if we have another baby a boy would be really nice. But since deciding on the sun and moon theme, I must confess, I would love another girl just for the reason of decorating her room, :)
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Funny kid
Emmy is so funny, she cracks me up every day. The other day she was in her jumper and my husband went to hand her her puffy cell phone. Instead of taking it from him, she leaned forward and chomped her gums a few times, trying to bite it and grab it with her mouth. She looked like a little shark. She's getting much better at sitting now, she can sit for a couple minutes and she sometimes corrects herself if she starts to fall over, but she still falls way too often to let her sit without being right there.
I try to surround her with pillows but she has this amazing ability to fall where the pillow isn't. She fell forward, and I thought she was catch herself with her hands and go into tummy time position but she just face planted, and then cried of course. Poor baby. She's been crying a lot lately. Sometimes she'll do like a whine cry, like if I leave the room for too long or something, but this past week she'll be playing just fine, and then suddenly just bust out into full "I hurt myself" cry, but I can't see how or where she did. I wonder if she's got a tooth or two coming soon because almost all her behavior has been pretty strange lately. The last couple times my dad has had her, she just stares at him like she doesn't know him. She's been taking a while to warm up to other people recently, and she looks for me a lot when other people have her (but I have to say, I love that).
My MIL takes her on Wednesdays and she told me she seemed like she missed me the other day. She didn't really say why, she just said she felt like she was missing me. Awwww. Sunday night she didn't fall asleep until 10:30, almost 11 which is soooo weird for her. She's normally in bed by 8 at the latest. Monday during her midnight bottle she woke up fully and then wanted to play. Normally she sleeps and dream feeds, or she wakes up slightly and goes right back to sleep after. Though she did need a diaper and full jammy change, so maybe that was too much activity and woke her up.
She's been really hard to feed too. She'll drink a couple of ounces and then either push it away or she'll grab the bottle and play with it, pinching the nipple and squirting herself in the face. It's quite comical, but frustrating when I just want her to eat. Every day since I've eventually gotten all of her bottles down, but Sunday she refused quite a bit and then got constipated as a result. I think that may be possibly from not feeling well if a tooth is coming in, or just that there are so many other things she would rather be doing. If one of the cats or daddy comes into the room, forget it, she's all done. She'll stare at those cats for hours if she could, and she loves to "pet" Vinny. So far he has been very tolerant of her pulling his fur, but Zoey won't go near her. She'll probably be 5 years old before she is ever able to even touch Zoey. He's a fraidy cat.
She loves the Bubble Guppies. I have to admit, it is a pretty cute show and I like that it is educational for when she's a little older. She was in her jumper the other day and it came on and she just stopped what she was doing and watched it for like 20 minutes. Last weekend we went to some friends' house for dinner and their two boys were playing with her. They asked if she likes to watch anything and I said the Bubble Guppies, so they brought a show up on their tablet and the three of them were laying there on their tummies watching it. So adorable. And, I will say it, I see nothing wrong with TV as long as it is in moderation. Of course I don't want her watching much TV now, or hours of it in the future, but some here and there is no big deal. Besides, there are some really educational, thought provoking, inspirational TV shows and movies. It's not all Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
She's been saying dadadada lately, which makes Ryan happy to no end. Whatever, she doesn't know what she's saying. I'll be pissed if after taking care of her all day every day while he's at work, she says daddy before mommy. But that will be my punishment...my mom used to try like hell to get me to say mommy and I would just laugh and say daddy.
Normally while I am getting her bath ready I put her in her crib naked so she can dance around and "air out". Today I left her in her diaper and when I came in to get her for her bath, I found that she had a dirty diaper. Oh my God, thank goodness I left her diaper on. That would have been a nasty mess otherwise. Or had she gone in the tub, ick! We haven't used her baby tub in a month or more, it's just so much easier in the big tub, but since she can't sit on her own yet, I just get in the tub with her. I'm thanking my lucky stars she didn't poop in the tub. I like bathing with her but I'll be happy when she can sit on her own and I won't have to. Once she can do that, I think we'll make bath night an every night thing as part of her bedtime routine. Right now it's too much hassle to bathe her everynight.
For the past few months I had been using California Baby shampoo since it's really good for her cradle cap, and since it is shampoo and body wash I just washed her with it too. But tonight I decided to use her Johnson and Johnson stuff. Ahhh, she smelled like a baby again. Maybe it's just me, but since she smelled like the soap, it felt like it got her cleaner than the unscented California Baby. And her hair wasn't quite as fuzzy afterward.
Earlier this evening we were doing sitting time and I gave her that toy, I'm not sure what it is called, it's got 5 animals that pop up when you push/twist/turn the right button. She is now able to push the animals back down when I pop them up, and a couple times she did push the buttons to get them to pop, but I am not sure if that was more of a lucky accident. I love watching her learn and do new things. Oh, and she rolls onto her side to fall asleep now and she's just all over her crib.
I try to surround her with pillows but she has this amazing ability to fall where the pillow isn't. She fell forward, and I thought she was catch herself with her hands and go into tummy time position but she just face planted, and then cried of course. Poor baby. She's been crying a lot lately. Sometimes she'll do like a whine cry, like if I leave the room for too long or something, but this past week she'll be playing just fine, and then suddenly just bust out into full "I hurt myself" cry, but I can't see how or where she did. I wonder if she's got a tooth or two coming soon because almost all her behavior has been pretty strange lately. The last couple times my dad has had her, she just stares at him like she doesn't know him. She's been taking a while to warm up to other people recently, and she looks for me a lot when other people have her (but I have to say, I love that).
My MIL takes her on Wednesdays and she told me she seemed like she missed me the other day. She didn't really say why, she just said she felt like she was missing me. Awwww. Sunday night she didn't fall asleep until 10:30, almost 11 which is soooo weird for her. She's normally in bed by 8 at the latest. Monday during her midnight bottle she woke up fully and then wanted to play. Normally she sleeps and dream feeds, or she wakes up slightly and goes right back to sleep after. Though she did need a diaper and full jammy change, so maybe that was too much activity and woke her up.
She's been really hard to feed too. She'll drink a couple of ounces and then either push it away or she'll grab the bottle and play with it, pinching the nipple and squirting herself in the face. It's quite comical, but frustrating when I just want her to eat. Every day since I've eventually gotten all of her bottles down, but Sunday she refused quite a bit and then got constipated as a result. I think that may be possibly from not feeling well if a tooth is coming in, or just that there are so many other things she would rather be doing. If one of the cats or daddy comes into the room, forget it, she's all done. She'll stare at those cats for hours if she could, and she loves to "pet" Vinny. So far he has been very tolerant of her pulling his fur, but Zoey won't go near her. She'll probably be 5 years old before she is ever able to even touch Zoey. He's a fraidy cat.
She loves the Bubble Guppies. I have to admit, it is a pretty cute show and I like that it is educational for when she's a little older. She was in her jumper the other day and it came on and she just stopped what she was doing and watched it for like 20 minutes. Last weekend we went to some friends' house for dinner and their two boys were playing with her. They asked if she likes to watch anything and I said the Bubble Guppies, so they brought a show up on their tablet and the three of them were laying there on their tummies watching it. So adorable. And, I will say it, I see nothing wrong with TV as long as it is in moderation. Of course I don't want her watching much TV now, or hours of it in the future, but some here and there is no big deal. Besides, there are some really educational, thought provoking, inspirational TV shows and movies. It's not all Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
She's been saying dadadada lately, which makes Ryan happy to no end. Whatever, she doesn't know what she's saying. I'll be pissed if after taking care of her all day every day while he's at work, she says daddy before mommy. But that will be my punishment...my mom used to try like hell to get me to say mommy and I would just laugh and say daddy.
Normally while I am getting her bath ready I put her in her crib naked so she can dance around and "air out". Today I left her in her diaper and when I came in to get her for her bath, I found that she had a dirty diaper. Oh my God, thank goodness I left her diaper on. That would have been a nasty mess otherwise. Or had she gone in the tub, ick! We haven't used her baby tub in a month or more, it's just so much easier in the big tub, but since she can't sit on her own yet, I just get in the tub with her. I'm thanking my lucky stars she didn't poop in the tub. I like bathing with her but I'll be happy when she can sit on her own and I won't have to. Once she can do that, I think we'll make bath night an every night thing as part of her bedtime routine. Right now it's too much hassle to bathe her everynight.
For the past few months I had been using California Baby shampoo since it's really good for her cradle cap, and since it is shampoo and body wash I just washed her with it too. But tonight I decided to use her Johnson and Johnson stuff. Ahhh, she smelled like a baby again. Maybe it's just me, but since she smelled like the soap, it felt like it got her cleaner than the unscented California Baby. And her hair wasn't quite as fuzzy afterward.
Earlier this evening we were doing sitting time and I gave her that toy, I'm not sure what it is called, it's got 5 animals that pop up when you push/twist/turn the right button. She is now able to push the animals back down when I pop them up, and a couple times she did push the buttons to get them to pop, but I am not sure if that was more of a lucky accident. I love watching her learn and do new things. Oh, and she rolls onto her side to fall asleep now and she's just all over her crib.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Sisters
I just want to write about this real quick before I forget. Emily goes to bed around 7:30 or 8 and she gets a bottle right before. Then I give her another bottle around midnight. She normally dream feeds, or she's partially awake during but goes back to sleep easily right after. When I put her back in her crib, even though she's asleep she does a lot of fidgeting to get comfortable again. I usually stand there and watch her for a few minutes because she is so beautiful when she's sleeping....well, she's always beautiful, but especially when sleeping, so looks so peaceful. It's also funny to watch her wiggle around; she pulls her legs up and slams them back down on the mattress, she shakes her head back and forth, she stretches and rubs her eyes, it's so funny and cute.
As I'm standing there watching her, it dawned on me how much she looked like Kayla just then. Both girls look like me, and I've always thought since the first time I saw her that they shared many of the same features, but in that moment, it was like I was looking at Kayla. Can someone's heart actually burst from loving so much?
As I'm standing there watching her, it dawned on me how much she looked like Kayla just then. Both girls look like me, and I've always thought since the first time I saw her that they shared many of the same features, but in that moment, it was like I was looking at Kayla. Can someone's heart actually burst from loving so much?
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
October 15th
For those that don't know, today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. The time has already passed in my time zone, but everyone is invited to light a candle from 7am to 8pm in your time zone to remember all of the babies who have left this world too soon. My candle is still burning. Today I remember all of my friends who have angels in heaven, especially our angel Kayla Kathryn, and our little baby B. Mommy loves you!
I wanted to go see Kayla today but I didn't get time. Emily and I have to go run some errands tomorrow, maybe we can stop and visit. Em and I finally got out today for a walk, we've been stuck inside for the last two days because of rain. I love that I have a gym in the basement, but too many days down there and I go nuts. With the exception of unseasonably warm days and days we go mall-walking, we'll be stuck in the basement all winter so I am trying to stay outside for as long as I possibly can.
Em has had a big week, just in the last few days she has gotten much better at holding her bottle and sitting up. She's still not great, but it is mostly due to laziness. Why hold the bottle and feed herself when I will do it for her? But when she does do it, she holds it perfectly fine. She's doing well enough to be able to mostly feed herself in her carseat on walks and in stores, which is a huge help to me. I hate having to stand in the middle of a store, not getting any shopping done to feed her.
She's been sitting up like a big girl too. She does really good sitting straight up and leaning forward slightly. If she sways to either side a little she can correct herself but any more than that and over she goes. But I think we'll be sitting on our own very soon, and that makes mommy so happy. Oh and she can also ride in the big kid part of the grocery cart now. This makes trips to the store soooo much nicer. She can sit in the cart pretty well and thanks to the little belt on the cart, it does the rest of the job. I love love love not having to haul the carseat into stores and try to figure out where to put stuff because the carseat is taking up all the room.
I've been doing some crafty projects lately when I get time here and there. One of them is making yarn balls. My SIL got me a decorative bowl from Ikea last Christmas, but I had nothing to put in it. It killed me to pay $10+ for decorative balls to sit there and do nothing, so I am making them. I got some yarn from Michaels, one is dark brown, one is tan and the other is a mix of dark brown, tan, and white. So far I've made 4; I think 2 more and my centerpiece will be complete. I'm also making a big picture frame out of an old room divider. I can't wait until Emily is old enough to do arts and crafts. Just to be prepared, I've already starting pinning stuff we can do.
Em has had a big week, just in the last few days she has gotten much better at holding her bottle and sitting up. She's still not great, but it is mostly due to laziness. Why hold the bottle and feed herself when I will do it for her? But when she does do it, she holds it perfectly fine. She's doing well enough to be able to mostly feed herself in her carseat on walks and in stores, which is a huge help to me. I hate having to stand in the middle of a store, not getting any shopping done to feed her.
She's been sitting up like a big girl too. She does really good sitting straight up and leaning forward slightly. If she sways to either side a little she can correct herself but any more than that and over she goes. But I think we'll be sitting on our own very soon, and that makes mommy so happy. Oh and she can also ride in the big kid part of the grocery cart now. This makes trips to the store soooo much nicer. She can sit in the cart pretty well and thanks to the little belt on the cart, it does the rest of the job. I love love love not having to haul the carseat into stores and try to figure out where to put stuff because the carseat is taking up all the room.
I've been doing some crafty projects lately when I get time here and there. One of them is making yarn balls. My SIL got me a decorative bowl from Ikea last Christmas, but I had nothing to put in it. It killed me to pay $10+ for decorative balls to sit there and do nothing, so I am making them. I got some yarn from Michaels, one is dark brown, one is tan and the other is a mix of dark brown, tan, and white. So far I've made 4; I think 2 more and my centerpiece will be complete. I'm also making a big picture frame out of an old room divider. I can't wait until Emily is old enough to do arts and crafts. Just to be prepared, I've already starting pinning stuff we can do.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Anniversary Plans
Our fourth wedding anniversary is in a couple weeks, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for it. Last year we went to Vegas, so no big trips this year. In Vegas we went to a Boys II Men concert at The Mirage, and they were really good. Sounded great, but I was a little dissapointed my fat pregnant ass couldn't fight through the crowd of women to get a rose they were handing out as they were walking down the aisles singing I'll make love to you.
So Ryan found out they are coming to Motor City Casino Detroit toward the end of November so we decided to go see them again, and maybe this time I can fight for a rose. I think I have been to Motor City once, but it was years ago and it was a very short visit, my friend and I played $20 in quarters on the slots and left. So since this is our anniversary outing, I suggested we get a room and take a night off from parenting.
Then I realized that of course requires an overnight away from Emily. I said I wouldn't be ready for that until she was past a year old and out of the SIDS danger zone. But she'll be 8 months by then, and I really want to go. I realized we can have our babysitters come stay the night at our house, so she can stick to her routine, sleep in her own crib, they'll have access to the video monitor....that makes me feel a lot better. The idea of her sleeping at someone else's house overnight gives me anxiety.
So we plan to ask Ryan's parents. I feel bad that they are my first choice over my dad, but they are easier to plan on. My dad and my stepmom don't live together, and as of now she still works (she's retiring in December) so if she's working that night or the next morning only my dad could come. I feel better about two people being there so if she does wake in the middle of the night, which she probably will since we'll be gone, I'll feel better if there are two people to hear her cries. Grandparents just aren't used to getting up in the middle of the night for babies so I would worry my dad would sleep through it.
My inlaws both have weekends off so it's not an issue for them both to come. Plus, if my dad and stepmom could come, they'd have to bring her daughter too and we don't have an extra bed for her. She could sleep on the couch I suppose, but it's just easier to have my inlaws do it. Being my dad, I could maybe see him whine about having to come here, thinking I am silly for requesting that, but being the daughter-in-law, my inlaws will do just about anything I ask because they don't want to step on toes. Plus, I'm sorry to all you guys out there, but moms just seem to understand this stuff better. I can see why my dad wouldn't think it is necessary, but my MIL would completely understand why I want them to come here.
I am not as excited about the prospect of spending the night without her since Emily is such an easy baby and I don't really have to get up with her that much, but I am so excited about the prospect of getting drunk. Unless I am mistaken, I have not been drunk since my bachelorette party. Obviously Ryan and I can't drink with the intent to get drunk when we're home with her, and it is no fun for just one of us to drink. I just hope my 35 year old self can handle being "fall on the floor" drunk again.
I was looking at pics of the hotel, the rooms are beautiful and the view of the city at night looks amazing. It's sad though that much of Detroit is only pretty from a distance. So the plan will probably be to get there around check in time, eat dinner, gamble for a bit and then go to the concert. Afterward we can hit a bar and get our drink on. I hope we have fun and I don't spend the night worried about Emily, but so far I am really excited, too bad it's still over a month away though.
So Ryan found out they are coming to Motor City Casino Detroit toward the end of November so we decided to go see them again, and maybe this time I can fight for a rose. I think I have been to Motor City once, but it was years ago and it was a very short visit, my friend and I played $20 in quarters on the slots and left. So since this is our anniversary outing, I suggested we get a room and take a night off from parenting.
Then I realized that of course requires an overnight away from Emily. I said I wouldn't be ready for that until she was past a year old and out of the SIDS danger zone. But she'll be 8 months by then, and I really want to go. I realized we can have our babysitters come stay the night at our house, so she can stick to her routine, sleep in her own crib, they'll have access to the video monitor....that makes me feel a lot better. The idea of her sleeping at someone else's house overnight gives me anxiety.
So we plan to ask Ryan's parents. I feel bad that they are my first choice over my dad, but they are easier to plan on. My dad and my stepmom don't live together, and as of now she still works (she's retiring in December) so if she's working that night or the next morning only my dad could come. I feel better about two people being there so if she does wake in the middle of the night, which she probably will since we'll be gone, I'll feel better if there are two people to hear her cries. Grandparents just aren't used to getting up in the middle of the night for babies so I would worry my dad would sleep through it.
My inlaws both have weekends off so it's not an issue for them both to come. Plus, if my dad and stepmom could come, they'd have to bring her daughter too and we don't have an extra bed for her. She could sleep on the couch I suppose, but it's just easier to have my inlaws do it. Being my dad, I could maybe see him whine about having to come here, thinking I am silly for requesting that, but being the daughter-in-law, my inlaws will do just about anything I ask because they don't want to step on toes. Plus, I'm sorry to all you guys out there, but moms just seem to understand this stuff better. I can see why my dad wouldn't think it is necessary, but my MIL would completely understand why I want them to come here.
I am not as excited about the prospect of spending the night without her since Emily is such an easy baby and I don't really have to get up with her that much, but I am so excited about the prospect of getting drunk. Unless I am mistaken, I have not been drunk since my bachelorette party. Obviously Ryan and I can't drink with the intent to get drunk when we're home with her, and it is no fun for just one of us to drink. I just hope my 35 year old self can handle being "fall on the floor" drunk again.
I was looking at pics of the hotel, the rooms are beautiful and the view of the city at night looks amazing. It's sad though that much of Detroit is only pretty from a distance. So the plan will probably be to get there around check in time, eat dinner, gamble for a bit and then go to the concert. Afterward we can hit a bar and get our drink on. I hope we have fun and I don't spend the night worried about Emily, but so far I am really excited, too bad it's still over a month away though.
Monday, October 6, 2014
A little of this and that
I just watched the most heartbreaking video. I should have known, but I watched it anyway. This couple's baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 but they decided not to terminate and carry him to term, knowing if he made it through birth he may only live hours or days. They showed some of the delivery, and holding him in the hospital. After a couple days they got to take him home. He had a cleft palet, but he was the cutest little thing. They had several episodes where he stopped breathing but he came back, but after 5 days at home they woke up and found that he has passed. I was bawling while watching it.
I know it must have been the greatest gift to get to spend those 5 days with him, but also the worst pain to know their time was limited, knowing they would have to say goodbye soon. It absolutely broke my heart. I am not feeling the baby fever as strong, especially after watching that. I'm so terrified of going through heartache again, I just don't know if it is worth the risk. We have our love, we have our precious rainbow, maybe we should quit while we're ahead. It's not even so much the IC worry, though of course that will always be somewhat of a concern. But in the time I've spent in support groups and talking to other loss moms, I've just gotten all of this scary information and I worry about not just what could go wrong due to my history, but all of the other things that could go wrong.
Plus, I am already high risk due to my history of preterm labor and IC, and GD, but if there is a next time I'll also be AMA. Risking the pain to get one earth baby was worth it, but I am not sure the joy of having two earth babies is worth possibly going down that road again. Even an early loss would stop me in my tracks, I just can't do it. I think what worries me the most is, what if come March I still haven't made up my mind? Once we do decide to be done, I'll want some kind of permanent birth control done. Ryan and I agreed that if we have another, then I will have my tubes tied since I'll be having another C section anyway, but if we're one and done, then it's up to him.
So I worry that I won't come to that point where I know for sure if we want another or not, and if we decide we're done and not super 100% confident in that decision, it will be very scary to have a permanent solution completed. I hate making decisions.
Ok, new subject. A couple weeks ago me and Emily and my SIL went to GreenField Village. We walked around the village, got something to eat and then took Emily on the carousel. I was going to just sit on one of the benches but the lady said I could put her on an animal as long as I held on to her. So we chose one that didn't move. She was so cute, as soon as I put her on she held into the pole like a big girl. She seemed to enjoy the ride and her hair was blowing in the breeze, lol. She cried when the ride was over, I can only assume because she wanted to keep going. I think next summer we'll get a membership.
So then we went in the playground area and put her on the swings and she loved them again. I tried to go down a slide with her but it was really low to the ground so it was kind of awkward. Then we went on the train and rode around the village. She seemed to like looking at all the scenery as we went by. What a fun day.
In other news, an extensive search has been done, but Miss Monkey is missing. Emily loves Miss Monkey but thankfully she is too young to really know she is missing, she just knows she loves her when I give her to her. I've looked everywhere, under the couch, in piles of clothes, both vehicles, I've asked people if we left her at their house, and nothing. I'm beginning to think maybe she tossed her out of the stroller one day somewhere, or maybe I put her in the cart with her and didn't notice it and it fell out when I took the cart cover out. Just the other day we were out shopping with Amanda and she found her elephant Kiki laying on the floor in one of the stores, so that's probably what happened to Miss Monkey. So, not the end of the world but I am sad. It was the first thing I ever bought for her when I was pregnant with her. It was a little monkey holding a pink blanket and it said I Adore Mommy. She always smiled and held her arms out when I gave it to her and she usually napped with it. I got it from Target so I may have to get over my sentimental sadness and buy her another one. Hopefully they still have them.
I know it must have been the greatest gift to get to spend those 5 days with him, but also the worst pain to know their time was limited, knowing they would have to say goodbye soon. It absolutely broke my heart. I am not feeling the baby fever as strong, especially after watching that. I'm so terrified of going through heartache again, I just don't know if it is worth the risk. We have our love, we have our precious rainbow, maybe we should quit while we're ahead. It's not even so much the IC worry, though of course that will always be somewhat of a concern. But in the time I've spent in support groups and talking to other loss moms, I've just gotten all of this scary information and I worry about not just what could go wrong due to my history, but all of the other things that could go wrong.
Plus, I am already high risk due to my history of preterm labor and IC, and GD, but if there is a next time I'll also be AMA. Risking the pain to get one earth baby was worth it, but I am not sure the joy of having two earth babies is worth possibly going down that road again. Even an early loss would stop me in my tracks, I just can't do it. I think what worries me the most is, what if come March I still haven't made up my mind? Once we do decide to be done, I'll want some kind of permanent birth control done. Ryan and I agreed that if we have another, then I will have my tubes tied since I'll be having another C section anyway, but if we're one and done, then it's up to him.
So I worry that I won't come to that point where I know for sure if we want another or not, and if we decide we're done and not super 100% confident in that decision, it will be very scary to have a permanent solution completed. I hate making decisions.
Ok, new subject. A couple weeks ago me and Emily and my SIL went to GreenField Village. We walked around the village, got something to eat and then took Emily on the carousel. I was going to just sit on one of the benches but the lady said I could put her on an animal as long as I held on to her. So we chose one that didn't move. She was so cute, as soon as I put her on she held into the pole like a big girl. She seemed to enjoy the ride and her hair was blowing in the breeze, lol. She cried when the ride was over, I can only assume because she wanted to keep going. I think next summer we'll get a membership.
So then we went in the playground area and put her on the swings and she loved them again. I tried to go down a slide with her but it was really low to the ground so it was kind of awkward. Then we went on the train and rode around the village. She seemed to like looking at all the scenery as we went by. What a fun day.
In other news, an extensive search has been done, but Miss Monkey is missing. Emily loves Miss Monkey but thankfully she is too young to really know she is missing, she just knows she loves her when I give her to her. I've looked everywhere, under the couch, in piles of clothes, both vehicles, I've asked people if we left her at their house, and nothing. I'm beginning to think maybe she tossed her out of the stroller one day somewhere, or maybe I put her in the cart with her and didn't notice it and it fell out when I took the cart cover out. Just the other day we were out shopping with Amanda and she found her elephant Kiki laying on the floor in one of the stores, so that's probably what happened to Miss Monkey. So, not the end of the world but I am sad. It was the first thing I ever bought for her when I was pregnant with her. It was a little monkey holding a pink blanket and it said I Adore Mommy. She always smiled and held her arms out when I gave it to her and she usually napped with it. I got it from Target so I may have to get over my sentimental sadness and buy her another one. Hopefully they still have them.
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